Hi S,
I need your help.

Let me give you a little background I'll tell you what I need from you.

I regularly visit an on line forum called Marriage Builders.
It is a place people go for help and support when they are having troubles in their marriages and they want to save the marriage.

Some months ago, I met a girl (then living in the eastern US) that was having problems with her H. He had a problem telling the truth about where he would go, and what he would do. She never did get the truth out of him, and ended up filing for D, and moving back near where she grew up.

For the purposes of the discussion, lets call her SVB1.

SVB1 is struggling. I'm going to tell you more about her, and what she is going through. As you read, think about what she needs, and how to explain it to her - I struggle with this part of it, and need your thoughts and suggestions.

SVB1 is a smart girl. Her dad often told her "you are one smart cookie." I can see from the way she writes that she has gotten a good education. I would bet that she did well in school, though she has never really said. She studied (or traveled) abroad in south America, which is where she met her future H. She speaks two languages fluently, and was doing well in the job market when these marriage troubles started. In the marriage, she was the one that took care of the day to day things. That is, she did all the bill paying, the phone calls to schedule appointments, and all the many things that it takes to run a home. This, in spite of working full time just like her H.

I am trying to paint a picture of how smart she is, and how hard working and how "on the ball" she is. It's important for later. I think you get the idea - this is no slacker, this is a wonderful person caught in a bad situation. Though I am sure she has a few faults (since we all do) she never deserved to have this happen to her.

She worked for over a year to save her marriage, but her H was never truthful. He would be gone for a half a day or longer, and then claim he was having lunch with a co-worker, and he came up with many silly stories, but never told the truth. There were condoms missing but he claimed she was crazy for wondering about it. As we (those who wrote to her on MB) talked to her, more of the story unfolded. He had been verbally, and emotionally abusive to her for years. She was going to IC for a while, and the IC often pointed out to her how the abuse had shaped her thoughts, and her actions.

Slowly, her H had drained away her self esteem. This wonderful person, this smart, hard working girl, now wondered if this was her fault, if she had caused the problems. She agonized over what to do, she prayed, she thought, she laid awake when she should have been sleeping.......... thinking about what she should do.

Imagine how she must feel. Marriage is a sacred thing - yet hers is almost over. Her dreams shattered, her life changed so drastically, she is far away from her life of the last ten years. Different home, different job. She is lonely, no evening conversation, no one to sit with, and talk to. She has doubts now, she wonders if she will ever be happy, if she will be alone.

I think you get the idea.

Now, my problem.

How do we get this girl to see how good she really is? How can we help her see that she can be happy again?

We could list her accomplishments - and she, seeing the list should see how good she really is, but the problem is emotional, and I am afraid this won't be nearly enough.

How do you get someone who has been hurt this much, to see a future?
How do you get them to have faith again?
How can we show her that the clouds are temporary, that the sun will come again, and flood her world with light?

You are a smart girl. I need your help. Perhaps if you could talk to her and make some suggestions for her. I think she needs to make a change in side herself. From thinking about her few mistakes, to thinking about her many successes. I think she needs to get outside the darkness, back into the light. Can you suggest to her how she might go about doing this? Perhaps if you could talk to her, and see how she spends her time, you might be able to suggest to her some things that would take her focus from where it is, to where it needs to be?

Will you talk to her tonight? Will you see if you can find out why such a wonderful person isn't excited about her future?

Please help me. SVB1 is very important to me. I think with a few small changes, she will be on her way to much happiness. Talk to her, and come back and let us know why she is so afraid. Let us know what she is thinking, and feeling.

Please do this as a special favor to me, I think she is worth it.
In fact, I know she is worth it. I just wish SHE knew it.

Thanks in advance. Let us know what you find out. I'll be waiting to hear how it goes. Please don't wait to long to talk to her.

Sincerely,
SS

Yuck, I had a bad Spider day, today... Dozens had been living in a tree/bush near my car, webbing it up, crawling into the seats... I'd had enough! I started spraying, and MORE started falling from the trees, onto my HEAD! I SCREAMED (it was 6:30am!)

Bet I got dozens! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> 'Kill 'em all, let God sort 'em out!'.

Yeah, it's Dru from Buffy. She's so wicked <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Dru,
You crack me up.

Thanks.

SS

Hi SS,

Wow, that was some post. Thanks.

It seems as if that SVB1 chick really needs a kick in the pants. I'll have that talk with her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I'm going to make her write some things down.

Dru,

You crack me up, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

svb

"A daring daytime post from SVB... Honoring us with a visit between parties..."

Have a fun weekend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> - D

Hi AD,

See, SpiderSlayer is a cool name, too.

Are you spending as much time on e-bay as you did on MB? My guess would be no.

I don't have the problem of spending too much time on the Internet at work anymore. I no longer have an office to myself (or almost to myself, anyway). I don't even have a cubicle. I have a desk in a big room with about 6 other people. Sigh.

Honoring us with a visit between parties

Well I don't know about THAT! I think I'm a LONG way from that many parties.

Unfortunately, I don't have anything exciting planned for this weekend. Except that I have to figure out how to get a license plate on the front of my car. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I hope you have fun, too. Something tells me that you probably will. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi back, SVB!


I'm not sure if you guessed correctly or not. E*bay is like a museum. You can just browse around a look at all kinds of things and wonder "do I need one of those?" Sometimes I lose track of time. 10 minutes turns into an hour.


That may actually be better than an office alone. As you have noticed, it keeps down your internet time - but maybe it also has the benefit of giving you opportunity to get to know those 5 others.

But back to SS's point. (SS is a great guy!) And you, as he clearly explained are a very accomplished and worthy person yourself.

Maybe it is because you are generally quite successful in all you do - that the impending collapse of your marriage hits you so hard. You don't have much practice in losing. Usually you win - probably almost always. I believe you're going to make it through this in good shape - with a new "win" at the end of it.

As I said on another of your threads, if I were single, you would be just the kind of lady I would be looking for. AND, I'm sure I'm not the only one. If you want to find a good man, you will find him. Probably, there's a quite suitable one less than 10 miles away - who right now, at this very moment, is eagerly looking for somebody just like you.

So, why not prepare to meet him?! As SS has noted, you know how to take care of business. Imagine that you are going to be seriously dating this guy, say, before Christmas 2006, and just put everything in order as you would like it to be at that time. Oh, and to make sure he doesn't miss you, you've got to circulate a bit - get out and be seen.

-AD

Good comments AD,
I think you are right.

SS

Having just read another thread about bad advice being give here, I just wanted to clarify, in case I gave the wrong impression...

I'm not suggesting you go out and find a date right now, but just to put your life in a forward-looking mode. Put self in that configuration you want to be in when the time comes for that. Meanwhile, your H might suddenly remember why he liked you in the first place.

Until you're D'd, you're M'd.

-AD

Hey S,
What did she say?

Was it a good talk?

SS

PS,
I have no idea why Lenny would stop growing.

Just wanted you to know.

Would like to hear you when you talk to her though. I wonder if she would confide in me?

SS

Hello.

I've had that talk with SVB1. It was a long talk. I had her write some things down. She thought about it, and then her thoughts built upon her thoughts, and now it's clear to her. I'll tell you all about it.

But FIRST, I have to reply to AD. (Hi AD) I started replying last night, and I had most of my post written, but then my H signed on-line (we share an internet account - it's been paid thru the end of August) and I got booted off-line. I lost everything. Then I was too tired to write it again.

Maybe it is because you are generally quite successful in all you do - that the impending collapse of your marriage hits you so hard. You don't have much practice in losing. Usually you win - probably almost always. I believe you're going to make it through this in good shape - with a new "win" at the end of it.

Yeah, if you think about it, is there any failure bigger than the failure of your marriage? How can you not wonder, and doubt, and feel like a failure? But I will try to do my best to make it through this.

And no clarification was necessary. I knew exactly what you meant. I need to prepare myself for when I am ready to meet Mr. Right. (I'll be talking about this again in a little while.) I will need to get out and be seen when I'm ready to meet muy guy. I know that I'm no way near ready now. I need some time to myself, and yes, I need to be D'd first, too.

Ok, now I'm going to create a new post to break this up.
I've got a lot to say.

I'm reading...

First of all, I want to thank all of you. You have really lifted my spirits. (and that was some serious funk I was in!) I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I feel very lucky and blessed to have found this website and all of you wonderful people.

SS, I really thought about what you wrote, and about what I needed to do. I started to jot down some things that I could do that would make me feel a little better about myself. I started with the usual stuff - I need to lose weight, and go to the gym more regularly. Then I thought that maybe I could change things around my apartment. Yeah, I've got all our furniture, which I can't really replace right now, but if I changed the bedspread, added a slipcover to the sofa, changed decorations, etc. etc., my apartment could feel entirely different, and fresh, and like ME.

There's a lot more to the list. But what it boils down to is that I need to stop focusing on H and our failed marriage, and start focusing on myself. I need to let go and move on. I know I've told myself this before. I didn't think it would be so difficult. You know, now I remember something that my counselor said. She told me that, most likely, when I settled into my new place and new life, that I would suddenly crash emotionally. I think that's what I did. And I don't know if I'm fully over it yet.

See, SS, your plan worked. How do you do it??

But there's more.

I was walking on the treadmill today, and I suddenly remembered something that I learned in grad school in a leadership skills class. I think it's one of the best things that I picked up in school.

We were discussing stress in life and in the workplace, and our textbook had an exercise to help us reduce that stress. It was all about Life Balance.

There are different areas in our lives that we focus on:

family
work
social life
spiritual
emotional
intellectual
cultural

I think there's one more, but I can't think of it, and my textbook is in a box... somewhere.

But, basically, we need to focus on all areas of our lives as equally as possible. Normally, we tend to concentrate on only a few areas, like work and social life, but that's what causes the stress in our lives. Too much time at work means less time w/family or less time for spiritual growth or less time for reading for intellectual stimulation or less time for new cultural experiences, etc.etc. All of which leads to an unhappy family life, or boredom, or being stuck in a rut, or whatever, which leads to STRESS and UNHAPPINESS.

In the book, it was drawn out as a pie chart, with each section of our lives being a piece of the pie. We had to determine which areas we focused too entirely on, and shade them in - and then shade in the other areas that we neglected, to a lesser degree. Then we had to list specific activities that we would do to beef up the neglected areas. --- go see a play, call an old friend, read a particular book, or here's one (AD) get some more sleep (physical) so that you can focus more on work, etc.

I don't know, maybe the concept is kind of basic, but it was eye-opening to me. I liken it to the concepts here on MB. It seems like common sense, but it's often difficult to keep them in practice.

So, overall, I was thinking that I could focus on each of these areas. For instance, emotionally, it would probably benefit me to find a new IC in the area. Spiritually, I'd like to find a home church near my apt., which I've never done. Physically, I've already discussed that above. Intellectually (and probably emotionally), I could read that verbal abuse book that Drucilla mentioned. Socially, I need to get out more and meet new people.

Anyway, these are the things that I need to work on to help me to move on. Who knows, it could be like you said, AD, that my H could someday remember why he liked me in the first place (I'm not holding my breath, though). OR I could just be getting myself ready for a special new someone someday. In the meantime, I will just be working on making myself happy and the best ME I can be.

How's that for an answer, SS? Do you think that would work?

I'm reading...

Ya cracked me up, AD.

Sorry it took so long. I was on a roll.

SVB,

I'm not SS, but it really sounds like what I need to do too. You are right about the sleep. I think about sleeping every day, LOL. Midnight isn't late, I tell myself. At least it's not 2 yet, and if it's 1, then it's still not 2. And reading... I've got a thousand books here at least - and I'm not reading any of them. I know how energising it can be to read soemthing new - and yet...

So, SVB. I think you are on the right track.

Now what you need are concrete goals.

I read somewhere not long ago about the neccessity of concrete goals. It's not good enough to say "I'm going to read more." We have to say "I'm going to read one book a week". You get the idea. (But they have to be realisitic goals.)

But do I get the idea?

I'm going to set some goals.... Thursday evening. But tonight, I'll sleep. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

OK, Thursday evening is goal night.

My bedtime goal this week is 12:30. Next week, I'll make it 11:30.

-AD

AD,

Yeah, I do need concrete goals. Sleep is a good one for me, too. Starting tomorrow, I'm definitely going to start going to sleep by 11pm. Hopefully that's realistic enough.

As for you, as I figure it, you've got about 5 minutes or so to go to sleep. (if you're in the central time zone)

Good night.

zero minutes!
I didn't say I would go to sleep, but at least I'll lay down. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />