How are things with you SVB?

I can't believe how much time has passed by. I'm having a difficult time keeping up.

AD continues to drum his fingers on the desk, glancing first at his watch, then the calendar

You cracked me up, AD. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I'm sorry for taking so long.

Here's the problem with posting here for me:

1. I haven't had an unlimited internet access provider for the past month or so. I've been limited in the amount of time I can spend online. (I've signed up for one today, though)

2. I can't post to MB at work like I used to.

3. It's physically uncomfortable to post. (My computer is currently on the floor in my bedroom.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

4. Finally, yes, I've been trying to keep busy. MB somehow keeps me wallowing in the past.

But, like I said, I have unlimited internet access now. Also, I've purchased a computer armoire for my bedroom. I just have to put it together. I have to finish putting together my tv stand first, though - I'm about 1/3 done with it. I'm hoping to have my new tv by the end of the week. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Milkshake,

I have to admit, I have read posts here and there on your thread in the past. I'm planning on reading your threads from beginning to end. Your situation does sound very similar to mine. I think that there is a Chicago deep dish pizza with our names on it somewhere. What do you think? It'd be great to be able to rally behind each other in person. I'm not sure where you are in the 'burbs. I'm up north. I can always come downtown sometime, too, since you work there.

How did you pick your name, BTW? Every time I see your name, I feeling like buying a milkshake. I like banana.

Slammed1,

Welcome to MB. Your H definitely sounds like mine, too. It's actually pretty sad that there are other men out in the world that behave like my STBXH. I had a discussion once with my STBXH about escort services (since you mentioned them). He doesn't seem to believe that escorts are prostitutes. I claimed that they are - just more expensive. He got all bent out of shape about it. I mean REALLY bent out of shape. Why does he feel that he has to defend escort services?

I have a question for you, though. What plan are you in? Plan A? Plan B? What is it that you want? Do you want to save your M? I assume that you do, since you are here at MB.

Well, I hope you all have a good night. I think I'll be spending a little more time here now that I can spend an unlimited amount of time online. I need to catch up on some reading.

Good night,
svb

It's good to "see" you, SVB. Glad you weren't on the train that crashed. The train wreck is the only news out of Chicago that I've read lately.

BTW, if you haven't seen my thread, I should be D'd on Monday, unless something comes up. Tonight, I feel good, but it's up and down.

-AD

Hello AD,

I've seen your thread. I can't believe how fast those 30 days are going by. Only 5 days left!

You sound good, despite everything. You should feel good - you've got your self-respect. For what its worth, I give you a lot of credit for sticking to your boundaries with your WW. I know that she had talked often about reconciling - and if that were my stbxh telling me the things that your stbx told you, I probably would have caved at some point.

I agree with the others on your thread that say that she would only want your M to continue as it was. Who knows, maybe it will take the actual D and REALLY being on her own for a while to get her to "wake up." (I wouldn't hold my breath, though) You could always get re-married if that ever came to be. (That's what my IC told me, too). In the meantime, you can just focus on becoming the best AD you can be -- for yourself and for your DD.

I hope you get some good sleep tonight. As for me, I'm going to take some NyQuil and go to sleep ASAP. I've got a sore throat and I think I'm getting a cold. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Oh, you just now posted!

SVB,

Thanks for the support. I also plan to go to bed ASAP - since I have to take my car to the shop tomorrow morning - hopefully be there at 7am when they open.

Good night. I hope you squash that cold before it gets the better of you.

-AD

Hi SVB,

Working on a computer on the floor is painful. Ouch! Hope now that you have unlimited access, you can find something to put on your computer. You can always find something cute and reasonable at IKEA.

I work in the loop (near the Art Museum), and live in the western suburb. Do you work in the city too? I would love to get together, that would be fun. I noticed there is someone who works in the Sears Tower who was posting here as well.

My husband is really determined to divorce me. H apparently told his brother "Jesus told me to divorce her". Whatever - . After so many months, my heart should have gotten harder but it still hurts incredibly much to see how H has changed and does not love me anymore.

Here is my email address: mnt540@yahoo.co.jp

Hope we can hook up sometime soon!

Milk

P.S. By the way, I LOVE Oberwise' Strawberry Milkshake. Yummy!!!

Milkshake,

I've sent you an e-mail. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My husband is really determined to divorce me. H apparently told his brother "Jesus told me to divorce her". Whatever - . After so many months, my heart should have gotten harder but it still hurts incredibly much to see how H has changed and does not love me anymore.

I know how you feel. I've felt the same way. It does really hurt to realize that your H doesn't love you anymore. But you know what -- this is really going to sound strange -- it doesn't bother me as much anymore (at least not lately). I think that the pain is starting to lessen. I don't know if it's because I'm not thinking about him and us so much anymore and am focusing on myself and my future, or what. Maybe it really helps that my stbxh is now about 900 miles away and I don't have to deal with him and his I-could-care-less-about-you attitude on a regular basis.

I know that I will be just fine without him. I think that you will be just fine no matter what happens, too.

AD,

I can't believe that the day has finally come for you. I'll say it again - I think you sound great, despite everything. I don't blame you for taking some days off from MB and work. I've read about your projects, too - your yard, the sitting area. It feels good to do things for yourself for a change, instead of dancing around a selfish spouse, doesn't it?

As for me, my TV stand is finished, and I have my new TV! I got it yesterday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I have a date on Saturday, too. OK, it's not really a date - the cable guy is coming over on Saturday afternoon to hook everything up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

After that, my next project is going to be putting together my computer armoire.

Oh, and did I mention that I'll be flying back to Philly the weekend after next? We're going to sign and send in the final D paperwork.

Ok, time for sleep. zzzzz Good night.

I've been doing some thinking.

It's amazing what some time can do to a person. I feel like I've reached a new phase in this whole break-up process.

I feel very different lately. First of all, I don't seem to be having those little doubts anymore. (ok, I know I've said this before, but you can believe me a little more this time) But I'm seriously not thinking much at all about stbxh and our past. I spend more time fantasizing about what a new relationship might be like. I spend even MORE time thinking about what I want to do in my life (in a positive way - as in, "ooh! what can I do that I've always wanted to do!" and not, "great, my M is over, what am I supposed to do now.")

I am starting to like being on my own. Don't get me wrong, if Mr. Right came along, I would be very happy, but it's not my all-consuming thought. If he never came along, I would still be ok. The same goes for kids.

I have even stopped wearing my wedding ring (starting 2 days ago). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> My plan was to wear it until I was officially divorced. I thought that taking my ring off meant that I was "available" for another relationship. I don't look at it now that I'm ready for another relationship. I look at it MORE now as meaning that I'm not holding on to the PAST anymore. Looking at that wedding ring every day was just a contant reminder of the past. I don't know if this makes any sense.

And finally, I definitely don't have thoughts of postponing my D anymore. I am anxious for it to be done with. Is that crazy, or what?

Ok, for the relationship/break-up experts - what phase is this that I am in? Is this a phase? Will I go back to having doubts again? I sure hope not. I'm a little worried about seeing stbxh again (next Thursday night already!). I hope that seeing him won't change my feelings.

I want to graduate soon.

I've been doing some thinking.

I am used to that from you. As I recall, you are good at it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


It's amazing what some time can do to a person. I feel like I've reached a new phase in this whole break-up process.

Good, because I was worried about you.


I feel very different lately. First of all, I don't seem to be having those little doubts anymore. (ok, I know I've said this before, but you can believe me a little more this time) But I'm seriously not thinking much at all about stbxh and our past. I spend more time fantasizing about what a new relationship might be like. I spend even MORE time thinking about what I want to do in my life (in a positive way - as in, "ooh! what can I do that I've always wanted to do!" and not, "great, my M is over, what am I supposed to do now.")

Thanks for saying that. Maybe your mom and I can relax now. At least a little bit.

When you stop looking back, and start looking ahead, it means you are in recovery.

This is good, just so you know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I thought that taking my ring off meant that I was "available" for another relationship. I don't look at it now that I'm ready for another relationship. I look at it MORE now as meaning that I'm not holding on to the PAST anymore. Looking at that wedding ring every day was just a contant reminder of the past. I don't know if this makes any sense.

Makes complete sense to me. You should see me smile. You needed healing, and you are finally getting it.
Don't get me wrong, I am not happy about what happened. It's just that you have to make the best of it, and now it looks like you are.

And finally, I definitely don't have thoughts of postponing my D anymore. I am anxious for it to be done with. Is that crazy, or what?

Yeah, crazzzzzzzy. Good crazy. Once you know something must be, it might as well be finished.

Ok, for the relationship/break-up experts - what phase is this that I am in? Is this a phase? Will I go back to having doubts again? I sure hope not. I'm a little worried about seeing stbxh again (next Thursday night already!). I hope that seeing him won't change my feelings.

Seeing him may bring it all back. Those feelings won't last as long this time. Pray for help, and clarity.

I want to graduate soon.

Oh, you are not wanting to be one of those "students for life" I have read about. You could always change your major from Divorce 101 to Dating 101. I hear the advanced classes are interresting.

Teasing aside, I consider this good news. I really want to see you smile again, long term.

SS

SVB,

You sound good! Nuf sed.

I'm sure the meeting with your H will be difficult, but it might not be as bad as you think it will be.

I hope you'll check in after you visit with your H and let us know how it went.

Yes, it does feel good to do things for myself - and for DD too - and looking ahead - for whoever turns up my driveway in my future life.

The sitting area is a gleam in my eye - not much more than that. My vacation is over, and I got a lot done on my various project - but no time for that yet.

I hope the cable guy is nice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't have a TV - well actually, I've got a 13in TV with a *VCR* <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> in it, and I had the cable turned off because I never watch. I watch DVD's on my computer. But I'm looking forward to having a nice big TV (when I'm not so busy) to watch movies on.

-AD

Hi SS!

I am glad that you are here today. It's nice to "see" you. (As AD would say)

When you stop looking back, and start looking ahead, it means you are in recovery.

This is good, just so you know.

I was really hoping to hear that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

and this...

Makes complete sense to me. You should see me smile. You needed healing, and you are finally getting it.

yeay! I'm healing!

Oh, you are not wanting to be one of those "students for life" I have read about. You could always change your major from Divorce 101 to Dating 101. I hear the advanced classes are interresting.

Too funny, SS! You always make me smile and laugh. Thanks for that.

I feel bad sometimes because I don't always reply to your posts like I should - and that goes for other posters here, too. But it doesn't mean that I don't value your posts. I think often about what you write. I hate to think that I might make someone feel ignored or not appreciated, or taken for granted. I've got to really work on that.
(After just writing that, I'm sure that I've seen you write that same thought on one of your threads, AD. Why do I always feel like I'm copying off of you or stealing from your threads? I'm sorry about that!)

SS, this is something that you posted that I've been thinking about....

I still want to hear how your trip went for the holiday. I hope you don't mind talking about it. The interaction you have with your family is important, and is a sort of a gage, though I admit, I like you, and your family.

How is the interaction w/my family a gauge? I'm just curious.

I ask to hear the way you describe things. You have a good sense of humor, and lots of wit. Hmmm, you do know that, don't you?

Thanks for saying that, too. No, I don't think that I really know that. Actually, a lot of the time I feel stupid and boring. Drucilla mentioned, too, once, that she thinks I'd be a hoot. It kind of shocked me, actually, that she said that. I don't see it.

Hi AD!

Nice to "see" you, too - which I wasn't expecting. I thought you were taking a break from MB.

I hope the cable guy is nice.

You always make me smile and laugh, too. Thanks.

I don't have a TV - well actually, I've got a 13in TV with a *VCR* in it, and I had the cable turned off because I never watch. I watch DVD's on my computer. But I'm looking forward to having a nice big TV (when I'm not so busy) to watch movies on.

I don't think I ever told you, but I have a 13 in tv, too. I get one fuzzy channel on it. It doesn't even have a vcr on it. My new tv is a 32" LCD HDTV. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> It's very sleek. I feel bad for my 13in tv now. They're sitting right next to each other. Poor thing. I think I might put it in my bedroom and get a good antenna for it.

I'm laughing now!

It's mumbling under it's breath : "I have a Cathode Ray Tube. Do you? NOooo! All you've got is some stinking liquid crystals. Whoever heard of any kind of liquid being good to look at. baah But Cathode RAYS - man, that's cool - I've got a ray gun - no THREE of em. Hah!".

-AD

Hi SS!

I am glad that you are here today. It's nice to "see" you. (As AD would say)

It's good to see you also, I don't think you realize that you really do have a wonderful personality. H was always telling you what was "wrong" with you. It colored your view of your self. I bet your IC discussed this with you. This was not a healthy relationship for you to be in.
Sorry, But you really are a delight to talk to.


Remember when you talk to me. I am not a professional, just a fellow traveler. I say what I think I see..... and I am happy if I help, but I don't have a license on the wall, and I don't certify anything.

Having said that, I do think you are looking ahead - which you have been afraid to do for quite sometime. I do take that as a very good thing.


So, how do you feel about it? Do you FEEL ALIVE now. Do you wake up on weekends looking forword to the days? Do you have things in your head for the next week, and the next?

What do you think?
I see a girl that is not nearly so depressed. How about you?

You always make me smile and laugh. Thanks for that.
I think I have told you this before - You are worth it.
I promise.
Really. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I feel bad sometimes because I don't always reply to your posts like I should - and that goes for other posters here, too. But it doesn't mean that I don't value your posts. I think often about what you write. I hate to think that I might make someone feel ignored or not appreciated, or taken for granted. I've got to really work on that.

Mostly I worry that you may be so down that you can't write because you are afraid of being a failure in what you write.
That is, you may think something like "I can't do this, it will be worthless anyway. I can't insult people by going on and typing anything today, so I'll just stay away."

I hope that is not it, because what you say is always interresting, and your personality makes people want to come visit your thread. Even if they don't know what to say, they read. Have you noticed?




At one time your mother, and your brother were encouraging you to D. You wanted to save your M. It created a little bit of a gap where you didn't know what to say to them when you talked to them. If I were to sit and watch the interchange between you for a day, I think I could tell how much recovered you were by how you talked to them.

Much of it would be non verbal - I don't know if I can explain it with words.
How comfortable you were with the normal banter.
What you joined in on, and what you stayed away from.
The things you discussed when alone with either one of them.
What you do when your brother gives his wife affection - or she him.

Lots, and lots of signs - I would have liked to seen it.

Now, once I talk about it to you, it would color your post back to me. Had you written about what happened with no idea of what I was getting at, you would have given clues by what you said, and did not say.

I don't mean to analize you really, but I seek ways to help. The better I understand, the better I know what to say.

Does that help you understand where I am coming from?
Just go to any public place and watch people for 15 minutes. Watch the interchange between couples. You will see what I mean.

Actually, a lot of the time I feel stupid and boring. Drucilla mentioned, too, once, that she thinks I'd be a hoot. It kind of shocked me, actually, that she said that. I don't see it.

You see yourself thorugh a distorted lens fashioned from the comments of your H over the years.

I wish you could see yourself as Dru and I ( and AD) see you.

Now smile - someone with so much going for them ought to smile more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Besides, it's good for your face.

SS

Hello SS and AD,

It's mumbling under it's breath : "I have a Cathode Ray Tube. Do you? NOooo! All you've got is some stinking liquid crystals. Whoever heard of any kind of liquid being good to look at. baah But Cathode RAYS - man, that's cool - I've got a ray gun - no THREE of em. Hah!".

Boy, you ARE an engineer, aren't you, AD! Most people I know don't know much about TVs. You should have seen me when I started looking for one 3 months ago. LCD? Plasma? HDTV? EDTV? Flat screen? Slim screen? Widescreen? If I get cable I need a what?? But after much reading, and many talks with my bro, I am fully edumacated now. I got the perfect tv for me. AND I paid way less than what I would have paid at Best Buy or Circuit City.

Speaking of my tv, too, my cable was installed today. The picture looks good! You'll be happy to know that I'm not glued in front of the new tv, though. I played with the tv for an hour or so and then left. I'm at my mom's right now. I've been glued in front of her tv instead. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> We ate Chinese food and watched Lifetime Television for Women. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> At least I'm not alone.

It's good to see you also, I don't think you realize that you really do have a wonderful personality. H was always telling you what was "wrong" with you. It colored your view of your self. I bet your IC discussed this with you. This was not a healthy relationship for you to be in.

Thanks, SS, you know how to make a gal feel better. Yes, my IC discussed this stuff with me. After being with someone for fifteen years, though, I wonder how long it will take for the view of myself to change. I worry how it might affect any future relationship I might have. I also worry that I might find myself in a similar relationship. You would think that I would know better the next time around, and be more careful, but you never know.

So, how do you feel about it? Do you FEEL ALIVE now. Do you wake up on weekends looking forword to the days? Do you have things in your head for the next week, and the next?

What do you think?
I see a girl that is not nearly so depressed. How about you?

I do feel better. I have energy. I have hope. I just hope this lasts.

Does that help you understand where I am coming from? Just go to any public place and watch people for 15 minutes. Watch the interchange between couples. You will see what I mean.

Thanks for explaining it to me. I understand what you are saying. I wish I had told you more about what we did now.
Thank you anyway for the time you take to help me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hope you guys have a great weekend.

AD,
Gotta tell you that I love your sense of humor! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

2 2 2 funny! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

SVB1,

So long as you can keep your wits and sense of humor about you, you will survive. U already are showing us that. Keep up the good work.

BTW, don't let AD around your little TV, he might try to 'rescue' it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

L.

Hello Orchid,

Thanks for posting.

So long as you can keep your wits and sense of humor about you, you will survive. U already are showing us that. Keep up the good work.

Thank you. I'm trying. I've got a tough week ahead of me, though. I'm still hoping that it doesn't set me back.

BTW, don't let AD around your little TV, he might try to 'rescue' it.

There's no way that tv's getting away from me now.

I don't know if you are home yet. You probably were not really excited about flying back, and stiring up memories. Paperwork, and signatures can be so - cold.

Let us know how things went, and how you are feeling.

Glad you have a weekend away from work. Hope it is relaxing.

Think some, write your feelings down. (In a private journal if you don't feel like sharing.) You will look back on this time and see your growth, and it will make you glad to see how far you will go from where you were.

This is not just related to you, and what you have been through, but it is good for us all. We all have a long way to go, you are not alone on this journey.

We - fellow travelers ...
We do well to help each other, for all of us need help at one time or another. It seems like a long road from where we are now. It won't seem so bad at the other end.

All the best to you this weekend.

SS

Hi SVB,

I know you are in the East Coast now and taking care of the business. I really hope things were not as bad or depressing, but please come back and tell us about it. I am praying for you!

Milka