Are you home yet, SVB?

Any news?

-AD

Aw, c'mon, SVB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I hope this absence means you are too busy having fun.

-AD

are you there???

Hello SS, Milkshake, and AD,

It has been really craaazzzzy around here. I honestly haven't peeked at this site since last Monday night. I was only home 2 nights last week. My new tv and my fish have been feeling neglected, too.

I got home late Monday night. Unfortunately, my best friend's brother died late that night, too. (he was estranged from the family, but still...) The wake was Thursday and the funeral was Friday. Then I had a wedding to go to on Saturday. (my brother's best friend) I've been at my mother's since Thursday - since everything took place around there.

Of course, because of the wedding, my brother and his family are in town until next Saturday. I've been able to spend time with them, too. They'll be over for dinner tomorrow night, too.

So, all in all, everything that has happened this past week (particularly my friend's brother's death - he was 42) has helped to put things in perspective for me. A D is certainly not the end of the world.

Needless to say, my signed divorce papers didn't get mailed out until today. So now, within approximately 2 weeks and 2 days, I will either receive my D decree in the mail, OR I will receive a letter from the court house requesting more information.

Should I start my own countdown?

SVB,

I'm sorry about your friend's brother. What a pity to die so young.

It's good to see you back - and you seem in good spirits too!

I'm glad you got all the paperwork taken care of. Of course, I'm sorry it came to this, but since it has, it's nice to get it done. Go ahead and start the countdown.

What did it feel like going to a wedding?

-AD

I attended a funeral this morning - A former neighbor. He was 62 and we thought in excellant health.

It does set you to thinking.

SS will be traveling to visit his son in Arizona this week, and probaly won't be on line much.

God be with you S. May you have many happy thoughts.

SS

Hello SS and AD,

I hope you have a great time visiting your son in AZ, SS. For me, it was nice to spend time with my family this past week. My mother and brother and his family came over Tuesday night. My nieces went swimming, and then we had a small feast in my little apartment. It always does me good to spend time with them. I don't think I'll be seeing them again until Thanksgiving weekend. My nieces also thoroughly schooled me on Neopets.

AD, you asked me how it felt to go to a wedding. (get ready for a long answer) It felt very strange. I'm not even sure if I can explain it. I was afraid that I would cry, but I didn't. There was a time, before I was married, when I don't think I cried at weddings. Actually, I'm having a difficult time remembering that far back, but I don't think I went to many weddings before I was married - I can only remember one for sure - and I know I didn't cry then. Maybe it didn't have any meaning for me then.

I think it changed for me once I got married. Ever since then, I would cry at weddings. I guess I had really learned what it meant to be in love and to be married. Then it was so touching to see two people promise, before God and family and friends, to love each other forever.
How can you not cry? (my stbxh always thought I was silly)

Well, I think I've changed again with my impending divorce. I honestly sat there during the ceremony, watching the bride and groom, and though thoughts such as, "do they really mean what they are saying up there? Are they taking it to heart?", "will their M last?", "who will stop loving the other first?", "will one of them cheat on the other?" It was almost a joke to me. How sad it that!? I honestly wish them the best, and I hated having those thoughts.

Maybe it will take finding the right man and falling in love again to get my old feelings back about marriage. I really DO believe in marriage. But how will I know if my future husband really feels the same about marriage as I do? I really thought that my stbxh felt the same as I did. Boy, was I wrong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'd be lying if I said that I'm not scared to get married again.

OK, well, there's your answer.

I still have to write out my play by play of my weekend w/ stbxh. Now there's something else that felt very strange. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hi SVB1. I am glad to know that you were strong enough to attend your friend's wedding. I certainly cannot even imagine attending one myself in the near future.

Yes, I wanted to know how your weekend with your STBXH went. It does not sound it was too bad, though.

It's good that your family is around. It always helps. Have a good weekend.

Milk

Hello Milkshake,

I am glad to know that you were strong enough to attend your friend's wedding. I certainly cannot even imagine attending one myself in the near future.

I'm a little surprised, too, about being able to go to the wedding. I thought that I wouldn't be able to drag myself there, or that I'd be a basketcase while there. I think you might be ready to attend a wedding sooner than you think, too. You never know. I would have felt bad if I missed this wedding. This fellow was a childhood friend/neighbor of ours. He and my brother remained best friends for over 30 years. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I have a picture of the 3 of us together - it would be cool to post it here - but I don't know how.

As for my weekend w/STBXH, I'm going to try to post about it a little later - maybe tonight.

Milkshake,

I thought of something else that helps to keep me from feeling sad... maybe it'll help you...(but don't read it if you still have hope of saving your M - I don't want to discourage you from fighting for you M, if that's what you really want)

Instead of thinking of my STBXH and our failed marriage, I dream about what a future, loving relationship might be like. What would I look for in a new man? What would I do differently this time around? How will we meet? etc. etc. Honestly, sometimes I think about it too much. Maybe it's silly, but it seriously helps me keep my mind off of sad thoughts. It makes me happy instead.

Even if I don't meet Mr. Right, I dream of other possibilities...

I could go to back to school (to law school, or to learn foreign languages, etc). OR
I could buy that townhouse that I've always wanted. OR
I could apply with my company to work overseas for a while.

I feel like a kid in a candy store sometimes.

What would you do, Milkshake?

Hi SVB,

I actually do the same thing. I dream about this wonderful man that I can be with - he is strong, kind, absolutely mentally stable, had no addictions, does not smoke, and loves my son. I can daydream a lot. Only those moments, I can feel happy too. But then when I hear my son crying "I want my daddy, where is daddy?", it breaks my heart and my happy thought would crush.

But I know looking back all the time does not help. H chose to have a different life without me, there is nothing I can do and I should NOT want him back if he truly does not love me anymore.

Oh, I have to catch my train... I will talk to you later.

Milk

hey svb?

You made me smile....I still hope my marriage can someone be saved but that does not stop me from dreaming!

I was talking to a friend the other day and she was married some time back (D now) and is with a new man for a number of years now...She looked at me and said "he is not a perfect man, but he is the right man"....

I thought my H was the perfect man, but he may not even have been the right man...only time will tell...

Keep on dreaming! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Daisy

It sound like you're doing great!

I feel the same way. I can distill it down to this :

I am alive! ... and I'm going to PROVE IT!

-AD

I figure it's about time I update this thread! I haven't been off of MB, I've been posting here and there on other threads. Just not here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I'm a little concerned about my D paperwork. I sent it out last Monday, and I still haven't received anything back in the mail. I had to send them the originals plus two copies to be time stamped and sent back to me. When I originally filed, back in May, I got my copies back in ONE DAY. I sent the stuff certified, so I suppose I can find out if it was received. Can you imagine if my paperwork got lost? I'd have to go back to PA again to have it all signed.

OK, now for my weekend with STBXH. It felt very, very strange. I flew in late on Thursday night, the 6th. STBX was there waiting for me in the airport. He lost a lot of weight. If he and I were in a competition on losing weight, he'd be the biggest loser! (my weight loss is going much slower than I'd hoped)

He was supposed to work from 8am to 10pm on Friday, be off on Saturday, and work 10am to 10pm on Sunday. As such, I made plans to go to the courthouse on Friday, have the paperwork signed w/STBX on Saturday, go to my friend's/ex-co-worker's house on Sunday, and drive in to work w/her on Monday (and leave on Monday evening)

Well, H informed me that his schedule got changed at the last minute. Instead, he worked Friday as planned, worked Saturday from 10 am to 10pm, and was off on Sunday. grrrrr
In the back of my mind I wondered if this change of schedule was really unplanned, or planned so that he would have minimal dealings with me. Even on Sunday, the day he was to be off, he went in to work for a few hours in the morning. (supposedly because it's SO crazy there) Oh well, who cares.

Friday went really well. I dropped STBX off at work and drove out to the courthouse to pick up the document that I needed. I was surprisingly painless. That night I ordered pizza and picked H up from work.

On Saturday morning, STBX had planned to have the cable guy come to install his cable service. But since he had to go to work (maybe the schedule change was unplanned) I told him to drive to work and I'd wait for the cable guy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> H picked me up at lunchtime, and we drove to get the paperwork signed and notarized. I dropped him off at work and went back to the apartment. It was pouring out (it did ALL day), so I didn't feel like going anywhere else.

And what did I do at his apartment? You guys will be disappointed w/me. First, I balanced his checkbook. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> This was AT HIS request! See, I told you he wasn't very good at it! He hates to do it! He just doesn't have the patience. When he asked if I would do it, I just busted out laughing! But I felt a little bad for him, he seemed so desperate, so I said that I would. I figured that it would be the last time, anyway, so what the heck. It took me 3 hours to figure it all out. Then, again at his request, I learned how to use his new home theater system. He figured out most of it, but there were certain things, like how to turn on the Dolby Surround Sound and how to play his CDs in random order, that he couldn't figure out. He doesn't have the patience to read the manual either. Oh, and I also cleaned out his freezer, but that was (sort of) my fault. STBXH, knowing that I am a Diet Coke addict, bought me a case for the weekend. He put a few in the freezer on Thursday so that I'd have cold ones when we got back from the airport. But he forgot to take them out before he left and they exploded. ooops.

Saturday night I picked STBXH up from work, and we went out to dinner, as planned.

On Sunday, he went in to work from 8-11 am. He came back and we went out to have a late breakfast at a nearby diner. After that, he drove me to my friend's house in NJ, where we parted.

I know this is getting very long.

Like I said before, the weekend was very strange. It was strange to see STBX again. It was a little like seeing an old friend, but not. It was strange seeing our old stuff in his apartment. It might have been considered a very sad thing in the past (by me), but strangely enough, it wasn't.

I was positive the entire weekend. I didn't talk about us at all - I didn't bring up the past and I didn't talk about what could have been. No tears or doubts whatsoever. I was very business-like about the paperwork and the D. It really must have confused him. I was all, "let's get this over with." Actually, I even kinda had fun. We talked and laughed the times that we could spend together. I amazed myself even. Before STBX even knew that he would go into work on Sun. morning, he kept making plans for us. "Maybe we can get up really early on Sunday morning and drive out to Atlantic City before I drop you off at your friend's house." or "Maybe we can go out to breakfast and then go see a movie."

When he did drop me off at my friend's house, he got out of the car and we hugged goodbye. He said, "it's too bad we couldn't go to A.C., we're sooo close." All I said was, "I know." There was a little part of me that didn't want to leave him, but it had to be.

Later that night, when I was trying to fall asleep, I thought to myself, "we could have had a lifetime of going to Altantic City and to the movies and out to breakfast." I could have told him that when we parted, but maybe it's best that I didn't.

....and just when you thought I was done....

I forgot a couple of things.

When I explained to STBXH about the checkbook, I told him, "PLEASE be careful from now on. I know you're busy, but TRY to remember to write everything down. I'm not going to be able to do this for you anymore." Then HE said, "well, maybe I can make copies and send it to you." He said it half kiddingly, but somehow, I don't think he was.

Let's see, what was the other thing? Old age old age old age.... umm

Oh yeah. We slept in the same bed!! But it was clear that nothing was going to happen. There was nowhere else to sleep! He ended up with the loveseat of our set - too small to sleep on. Plus he's got a king size bed now. I don't think you could ever have seen two people sleep further apart in the same bed. It was kind of funny actually.

And finally, (I was debating whether I should post this or not) I found more stuff on his computer. That's how I know, too, that we are sooo done. And there was also a check written to the city for what appears to be a parking ticket - which tells me that he still goes and parks in the city for... whatever.

Now to reply to some people.

Milkshake, I can't tell you how sorry I am for everything that you're going thru. I can't imagine having to go through a nasty D like you are. Your H can't possibly have a heart if he's going to put you through that as well. Every day that goes by, I just get more and more amazed at what some people are capable of. I just don't understand. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I am thankful that, at least, my STBX and I didn't really have an issue with the division of our assets. As a matter of fact, after I left the east coast after our last weekend together, I found that he had stuck an envelope with $200 in it in my backpack for my plane fare. I was truly surprised.

I hope that your trip to visit your family does both you and your DS good. I hope that you get the comfort that you need there.

white_daisy, Im glad that I could make you smile. I am also glad that I haven't discouraged you from trying to save your M. That's the last thing that I would want to do on this board.

and as for this...
I was talking to a friend the other day and she was married some time back (D now) and is with a new man for a number of years now...She looked at me and said "he is not a perfect man, but he is the right man"....

thanks. You've given me hope. I know now that my STBX was definitely not the right man. Boy did it take forever to figure it out. I have hope that I can still find the right one. As for you, I sincerely hope that everything works out for the best for you.

And AD, yeah, it's great to be alive, isn't it? I kinda think I feel more alive now than I've felt in a long time.
Also, ever since I made that candy store comment, I've been feeling like actually going to a candy store. But I better not because it won't help me to lose weight.
Thanks for always being there... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi SVB,

I've been gone awhile, glad to hear you are doing so well.

That visit with your H... wow. Cant balance a check book, cant figure out how to use a stereo, cant remember to take a coke out of the freezer... none of this is rocket science.

Do me a favor, next time get a smarter man, OK? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> That may have been the root of many of your M troubles... he's just not mentally equipped to handle such a relationship. The superficial stuff he's ok at, but he cant handle the conflict intelligently. And have no illusions, that checkbook will be wrecked within a week of you leaving. People dont just change like that, overnight.

I also understand about the change in attitude, the relaxed feeling you have when together, now. As I had said, my exH and I hung around together after I asked for the D and he had moved out. I WAS much more relaxed, as the D WAS proceeding, we had some nice times. It's so stressfull planning a D, working yourself up to go it, re-hashing all the reasons over and over, so it's such a relief to have it done. I think my H was kinda Plan A'ing me, but his problems were so serious I never considered returning.

I'm glad you didnt actually sleep with him. I'd be worried about STD's, now that he's 'free'. It is nice you two could have a decent weekend.

You know, we marry these men because we DO see the nice stuff, we DO see the potential. It's a shame that we're either so naive, or that their so deceptive, that we cant see the TRUE image before committing.

And you know, I D'd my exH, with the HOPE of finding some happiness out there. I didnt have any guarentees, but I KNEW my life with him would continue to be miserable. I think alot of BS's need to get to that point... they ARE miserable, but they can have HOPE for future, HEALTHY relationships. I'd rather have HOPE alone than misery with a partner. Less housework, for one thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

On another note, I'm SERIOUSLY considering going back to school, too! Getting the catalogues and everything! It's kinda exciting!

I'm glad you're doing well. Please take care - Dru

Hi Drucilla!

It's nice to see you. Wow! You're going back to school! It is exciting, isn't it? It's a lot of work with a full time job, too. It also kinda takes a toll on your M. Keep that in mind. Sometimes I wonder if I hadn't gone back to school if things would have been different in my M. Most likely not, but I can't help thinking it sometimes.

I haven't taken any further steps in going back to school.
I'm not sure what I want to do yet.

I have some not-so-good news to report today. I checked the status of my certified mail on-line a while ago. My very important D documents have NOT been delivered. I have a sick, sick feeling in my stomach. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm going to go to the post office tomorrow. I don't know what they can do, though. What am I going to do if they are lost and never get delivered? I'm freaking out a little here. Why does this have to happen to my D paperwork? I should have planned my visit to PA very differently - to include delivering the documents to the courthouse in person.

svb

Hi SVB,

Sorry about the D papers. I cant say I'm surprised... seems to happen to many people here. Just when they think it's over, the paperwork gets lost, the courts reschedule... it's infuriating! Good luck, I hope they find them!

You know our MC has suggested college a few times. Although I expressed great regret in not finishing my degree (although it's not hurt my career or income, yet), I suspect he thinks I need something to keep my mind busy. I was recently reading in one of my Myers-Briggs books about how each type achieves Self Confidence, and my type needs growth and achievement. Maybe MC got this, too. I do feel stuck in a rut, I know it would be good for me on several different levels.

Again, good luck on the paperwork!! - Dru