Yes, I have a major update.

I am officially divorced. The judge signed the divorce decree on December 1. I just received it in the mail today. I've been D'd for two weeks and didn't even know it!

I definitely have mixed feelings. I'm a little sad, but at the same time, I'm kind of happy to have this all behind me now. I can start 2006 without being in limbo! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Despite everything that has happened in my life, I feel that I have grown as a person - thanks to the MB concepts and the people here - and hopefully will continue to improve. I'm going to start 2006 with much hope of a bright future. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

One never quite knows what to say.

I am sad.

You know the reasons far better than I.

On the other hand (fiddler on the roof) I am happy.

Do you realize that you are as good in real life as the picture I paint of you here?
God knows you best, what feelings does he give you when you read this? Does he concur? Can you feel it?

Sleep well. Have a nice weekend.

SS

Hi SS,

Do you realize that you are as good in real life as the picture I paint of you here? God knows you best, what feelings does he give you when you read this? Does he concur? Can you feel it?

I've been feeling a little better about myself lately.
So, yes, I can feel it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Overall, I know, but I guess I just have my moments. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I've been exercising almost every day, and I think that helps, too. I'm really trying to take care of myself.

Hello Daisy, Milkshake, and Drucilla,

Yeah, I guess we all do have moments where we feel worthless. But, Drucilla, you're right, we can't wallow in those thoughts.

For me, it HAS kicked me in the right direction and has enticed me to diet, clean, and exercise.
I'm whipping myself into shape. My muscles are hating me, but I'm already starting to lose weight, and people are noticing! That feels good.

And um, let's see, how shall I say this? I think one particular male co-worker has "noticed" too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Okay, I'll admit, I'm pretty clueless when it comes to guys, but this guy spent an awful lot of time hanging around my desk on Friday talking to me, and he works in another department. He worked in questions about my "husband" and "kids," too. ALL alarms started going off in my head. All I could say was, "Uh, my husband?... uh....no...I'm divorced. Kids? Uh.... no, no kids.." Yeah, I'm real smooth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> He asked me about my plans for this weekend, too. Thankfully I had plans! Was he going to ask me out? Could I be mistaken about this? I apologize for sounding like a dork, but keep in mind that I've been with the same man for the past 15 YEARS and never had eyes for anyone else.

Yes, and this happens the DAY after I get my divorce decree. What's up with that? Is it written on my forehead that I'm divorced now?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> HELP! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

HELP!

I don't know if you need any help at all. It sounds like you are doing a good job all by yourself.

You can be sure he wouldn't be asking if he wasn't interrested. You don't have to be "smooth", just be yourself.

Live right, keep praying, and think about things when you have free time. God will help you, you know he will.

BTW, you don't sound like a dork, you sound like a humble daughter of God that wants to do things right. DOn't worry about appearances, you are good enough like you are. You want to live in real life, and have a real life relationshop, not a fairy tale one. You'll do fine.

His asking about plans is a dead giveaway. Expect him to come round again. I did a post once to graycloud about dating. I think I'll post it again for you too. It was probably something I read somewhere, but it's good to think about it.

Remember that romantic relationships are kind of risky by nature. Dating is something we do to find out about other people. It's a time to practice and experiment. It's a place for people to look for a mate, find a partner.

It's not a place to seek healing. It's low commitment, and high risk. If you are not healed when you begin, and you trust your feelings to someone but it doesn't work out, you will be worse off than had you waited.

If you are ready, then go for it. If you are not, then tell him straight out what your feelings are. It's better to be plain about it.

You sound better every week. Merry Christmas, and may it be a happy time for you. just be careful.

SS

Hi SVB1.

Your co-worker is definitely interested in you. This happened the day after you got your divorce decree, so there is nothing you need to feel bad/guilty about! I do like SS's advice on dating - that is so true, that it is a place for people to look for a mate but not to seek healing. You do sound very strong and positive though, SVB1, and I hope you are starting a new chapter of your life in 2006!

Merry Christmas!

Milk

Hello SS and Milkshake,

Thanks for your posts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It has been a crazy week. My mom fell and broke her shoulder earlier this week. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Boy, and just when you thought it was safe to kiss your grandkids goodnight. I took Monday and Tuesday off to take her to the ER and spend time with her. (I didn't find out till Monday morning) She's doing much better now, though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes, and my new "friend" noticed my absence. He asked about it when I returned to work on Wednesday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

His asking about plans is a dead giveaway. Expect him to come round again. I did a post once to graycloud about dating. I think I'll post it again for you too. It was probably something I read somewhere, but it's good to think about it.

SS, I'd be curious to read about it if you can find it.

If you are ready, then go for it. If you are not, then tell him straight out what your feelings are. It's better to be plain about it.

I honestly don't know if I'm ready. I was not expecting this at all. I kind of had a timeline about this. I thought that I would give myself around 6 more months. That way, I would have been separated for a year, and divorced for 6 months. I would have been more into my personal recovery and feeling even better about myself (including having lost more weight). I wasn't even going to consider dating until then.

Now this. I have to admit, though, it is flattering. Can you imagine, after having been completely rejected by my husband, to have another male actually wanting to come around and talk to me? It helps my severely wounded self-esteem. Maybe this is what I needed, even if nothing ever comes of this.

Maybe I should just tell him, if he ever does ask me out, that I'm too recently divorced and not ready to date yet. If I say that, would he be offended?

What do you think?

Merry Christmas

Hi S,
It's good to hear from you.

Thanks for your posts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It has been a crazy week. My mom fell and broke her shoulder earlier this week.


Oh wow. You don't know how my countenance fell when I read that. I am so sorry. You can tell her I said that too.
I know it's part of life, but....... Oh, you know. I am sure you are coping, but it's not what you would call fun. Glad she is doing better.


Yes, and my new "friend" noticed my absence. He asked about it when I returned to work on Wednesday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Not sure why you would have a problem with that. He likes you.


On dating:
SS, I'd be curious to read about it if you can find it.

It wasn't much. Actually, I did find it, and I posted it up above. It was this short little statement -
Remember that romantic relationships are kind of risky by nature. Dating is something we do to find out about other people. It's a time to practice and experiment. It's a place for people to look for a mate, find a partner.

It's not a place to seek healing. It's low commitment, and high risk. If you are not healed when you begin, and you trust your feelings to someone but it doesn't work out, you will be worse off than had you waited.

What I mean is that you don't know anything about him really. (Him, or most guys you would meet.) You may not want the same things in life that they want. It would really hurt to realize you had feelings for someone that was going another direction than you want to go.

If you read much, you understand that most guys think of the big "S" a lot more than women do. The ones that have been around a lot (and don't care about other people) have learned how to get what they want. I know you are not stupid, but all of us are human. Slow is the order of the day.
I think you know what you want. BUT - you studied XH for a long time and hard a hard time reading the signs because you loved him. If someone meets our needs, we have a hard time not loving them.

When it is time, you need to know your strengths and weaknesses, and you need to be careful. It is plain this guy likes you, but it's not plain if he is what you want, and need. That part takes time. The same time spent getting to know someone can work against us if we fall in love with the wrong person before we learn enough. My safety while dating was prayer. I told God I was not good at it, and I needed help to avoid mistakes. He helped me.

I could go on, but no reason to be specific if you aren't dating yet. Just remember that God is your partner in happiness, not a limiter on it. He knows what you need, and he can help you find it.


I honestly don't know if I'm ready. I was not expecting this at all. I kind of had a timeline about this. I thought that I would give myself around 6 more months. That way, I would have been separated for a year, and divorced for 6 months. I would have been more into my personal recovery and feeling even better about myself (including having lost more weight). I wasn't even going to consider dating until then.

I think waiting is wise. I admit I worry about you dating, and I worry about you not dating. Not that you couldn't date, but that you wouldn't want to. How dumb is that? My worry I mean, not if you will, or won't.

Now this. I have to admit, though, it is flattering. Can you imagine, after having been completely rejected by my husband, to have another male actually wanting to come around and talk to me? It helps my severely wounded self-esteem. Maybe this is what I needed, even if nothing ever comes of this.

Yes, I can imagine. It feels good to you. It should feel good, just be careful with your feelings. OK? You are too important to get hurt again.

Maybe I should just tell him, if he ever does ask me out, that I'm too recently divorced and not ready to date yet. If I say that, would he be offended?

What do you think?

Lets use logic.
If you meet someone that is mature, and has the attributes you are looking for, they would understand. They may not want to wait, but that's their choice. Why would someone that cared about your feelings be offended? That is not logical to me. What do you think?

Your worries could be more along the lines of "What if this is my only chance, and he won't wait?" I think that might be more true than him being offended. If he was offended, he would NOT be the right guy. I think your mom and I would agree on that.


Guys are different from girls in some respects. When I dated, I wanted to know the truth, not play games. I wasn't good at reading signs then, and I needed straight talk. I think most guys feel this way. If he cares about YOU - and is not just thinking about himself, he will understand. If he is sensitive, and if he cares, and if he really knows who he is talking to, he would wait quite a while for a chance too.

Remember that you need to do things that are right for you. You need time to heal. It doesn't matter much what the other person does, or says, if it won't work for you. Mr. right will help you, not pressure you. The man you want will understand you, and meet your needs.

I would be offended if I was not told the truth. I would be offended and hurt if I found out a girl didn't think she was ready, but said yes anyway. If she was the girl for me, she wouldn't date until she was ready. She would take care of herself, and do what was best for her heart.

If you talk to this guy,. if he asks you out, or if he keeps coming by, go ahead and tell him what you told us. You can still talk to him, but keep in mind about meeting needs. Any one you let close will make deposits in your LB big time, it can't be helped. You need to be really careful and look at ALL the signs, not just how you feel.

Merry Christmas to you too. Take good care of your mom, she loves you and wants what is best for you. She's human though, so cut her some slack when she needs it.

You really are better than you think.

The only other thing - do we need to talk about why you couldn't sleep last night?

SS

Hi SVB1,

I haven't been posting much lately. I noticed that your D is final - AND you are getting some attention at work.

As I wrote on my thread, I've been talking to my XW about reconciling. She just left today to go spend 2 weeks with her family - and today I've figured out that she's not been telling me the truth about continued contact with OM. How many times am I going to believe her? <sigh>

So, I think now, I'm done again.

I've got to get my head cleared and starting looking forward and not backward.

I think SS's advice to you is good, but I would add that you might tell this fellow that you very much appreciate his interest, and it made you feel good to know that he was interested, but... you are not ready. That way, you make him feel good a little, and he's more likely to check back with you later (if that's what you want). Probably he's got a story too - and some old hurts that may not be 100% healed. Telling him you appreciate his interest would be a kindness to him.

Drop me an email if you like. I'm in no hurry either.
mb11094@yahoo.com

-AD

Hi SS and AD. Happy New Year!

AD,

Welcome back. I was wondering about you. I kinda thought that you might be re-married by now!! I'm sorry that your XW disappointed you again. I know that you wanted everything to work out for the 2 of you. Maybe it's best that you found out sooner rather than later that she hasn't been truthful.

I told Milkshake the other day that I give her a lot of credit for trying to move on when she has to be in constant contact with her STBXH (because of her DS). I give you a lot of credit, too. It can't be easy. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I'd have to see my XH all of the time. Maybe I'd be having more doubts, too.

I've read your thread, btw, and I think it's great that you're trying to take care of yourself. It sounds like a good New Year's resolution.

...and thanks for your advice on this fellow at work (we'll call him "so and so").

SS,

Thank you, too, for your advice on so and so - and on dating in general. I've been thinking about your posts, and I have a lot to say. I'll try to post again tonight when I'm back home in the comfort of my little apt.

I have some new questions, too, but I'll wait on those for now. I don't want to ask new questions before I even answer any old ones!

SVB,

Thanks for wondering about me - and reading my thread.

Happy New Year to some lucky so and so...

Happy New Year to you too!

-AD

Happy New Year !

May it be your best year yet.

SS

Well, so much for coming back to post on Sunday night! I was too tired. Then on Monday I had a seveeeeere migraine ... all day... all night... and into the next morning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> And last night after work I had my first divorce support group meeting! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OK, here's what I've been struggling with lately....

MY MOTHER!!!!

SS, like you suggested, I am trying to cut her some slack - she is human, and she is injured. But boy is it difficult - more difficult than ever.

No, I was kind of teasing, but from what I get, your mom sometimes wants you to do things her way. I wonder if you have guilt about that sometimes. Times when you tell her how you are GOING TO DO IT, and she still argues with you. Perhaps those times are long past. Long term relationships are a learning experience. All of us can learn from family interaction and leverage what we learn to make our romantic relationships better. If you can do what is best for you without letting pressure from family change your mind, you will do it when you begin to fall in love again, and it may be easier for you to make sure it's a healthy relationship - win/win.

Granted, I know you're talking about her not liking some of the things that I might be doing - or not doing - in my life. But it also goes for every litte other thing, too. Nothing is good enough. She just can't be pleased. Sound familiar? I married someone exactly like my mom. Why?

Here's an example. My mom and my nieces started putting up the Christmas tree during the weekend before my mother broke her shoulder. They didn't finish. Only the tree and lights were up. After my mom broke her shoulder, and I stayed w/her those 1st couple of days, I finished decorating the tree - while she was in a Vicodin-induced sleep. Well, she woke up, saw the tree, and said, "oh.. you put the tree skirt on that way." What other way is there?? Let's see, I also missed a couple of spots with the ornaments, and the ribbons weren't curly-cued enough. sigh. All I was hoping for was, "hey! you finished the tree!"

My brother got it, too, while he was in town. He tried to help her as well, but he couldn't get it right. He drove her to a follow-up doctor's appt. last Wednesday. Apparently he didn't drive her there the right way. He went shopping for her, too, but he bought 6 yogurts instead of 4, and he bought too much toilet paper. As I see it, too much is better than too little, right?

She gave him a big guilt trip, too. Basically, she said that if it were one of his in-laws that broke their shoulder, his wife would probably have taken three weeks off from work to take care of them. How can you not feel like a worthless son or daughter after a comment like that? Yes, and GUILTY. If she said that about him, what must she think about me taking only TWO DAYS off from work?

My bro and I spent a good deal of time consoling each other as much as we consoled our mom. At least we recognize this all now for what it is. And can you understand why my bro might stay with his in-laws instead of my mom? Space isn't the issue.

And you know what? I've kind of had a major revelation as I type all of this. Yes, I excelled at school while I was growing up. I think I have accomplished a lot in my life. Maybe I've always been trying to please someone who could never be pleased - starting with my mom .. and then my husband. Maybe that's why I'm so hard on myself, too. My brother, btw, is a big success - a HUGE success, at least in my eyes. Hey, you've got to idolize your big bro, right? He still has his marriage, too, and my way-cool nieces.

Which makes me think of what AD said about my M failing. Maybe I took it so hard because I'm not used to failing at anything. But I'm starting to look at it a little differently now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'll leave it for another really, really long post, though.

I still have a very hard time with you feeling down about your self. It's so foreign to me that someone like you could have so many doubts. Some are normal, but not on this scale. The thing is, you could read this and feel guilty. I am only telling you my thoughts, so don't "own" the things I am saying. I am hoping it helps you with your direction and goals. You are so much better than what you sometimes think. I sometimes feel like a coach working with a future Olympic champion athlete who doesn't know yet what they can really do. You are that good - you should know it.

Thank you - and don't worry, I don't feel guilty. I appreciate all of your comments.

I think maybe this post sums up why I get so down on myself and blue sometimes. This issue goes WAY back. I gotta work on overcoming those feelings when they come around. Hopefully they'll stop coming around someday.

SS asked:
One more thing (grin) - Thanksgiving....... how did it FEEL this year?

Hmmmm.....just different.

OK, you aren't going to get away with that. I want to know what felt good, and what felt bad, or uncomfortable.

I have to admit, Thanksgiving and Christmas both felt the same. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

...like something was missing. Obviously, exH wasn't there -- but my dad wasn't there, either. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Don't get me wrong, it's not that I wanted ex-H to be there. I didn't. It's just that there seemed to be this overwhelming emptiness - an all-too-quietness - this feeling that everything had changed so drastically in the past few years that nothing could ever be -even remotely- the same again.

It also didn't help that we "celebrated" Thanksgiving on the Saturday after the holiday, and we celebrated Christmas on Monday. At least you can't change "when" you celebrate New Year's, right?

This sounds much more depressing than I meant it to sound. The holidays weren't that bad - and I'm pretty sure I'm not depressed. There were good moments, too, during the holidays. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And there were bad moments during holidays of past. There. I fixed it.

I hope that answers your question. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hope that answers your question.

Yes.

Thankyou.

SS smiles.

I'm thinking........

Hi SVB,
Hi SS.


I understand that feeling. I moved back into my old house, but for 2 years before I married, my Mom lived with me (moved here after breaking her arm in a fall). She's not here - died 3 years ago on Christmas day. I miss her sometimes. Sometimes I just want to call her up and chat. Being in the midst of the battle of the marriage, I didn't miss her as much.

To be honest, the thing that saddens me the most is how quickly people are forgotten. They live their lives with great struggle - and sometimes with great drama, and then they are gone - and far too soon forgotten.

I hope you have some good memories of your Dad. I think we need to sit and remember sometimes - to honor those who loved us who are no longer here.

-AD

Hi SS,

I'm thinking........

Don't think too much!

Hi AD,

She's not here - died 3 years ago on Christmas day.

GASP! On Christmas Day? I'm so sorry. As I calculate it, my dad died about 2 months after your mother did. (2/23/03)

Also, my D was final about 2 months after yours, so I guess you would understand the feeling. It seems like we're on a same sort of bizarre time-line, with a 2 month delay. Weird.

but for 2 years before I married, my Mom lived with me (moved here after breaking her arm in a fall

It sounds like you are a better son than I am a daughter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Although I did offer to bring my mom to stay w/me at my place after she broke her shoulder, but she wouldn't hear of it. She's too comfortable in her own home and she doesn't want to leave. She's a tough lady and she can fend for herself, for the most part. I just check in on her when I can and do for her then what she can't do.

To be honest, the thing that saddens me the most is how quickly people are forgotten. They live their lives with great struggle - and sometimes with great drama, and then they are gone - and far too soon forgotten.

I hope you have some good memories of your Dad. I think we need to sit and remember sometimes - to honor those who loved us who are no longer here.

I do have good memories of my dad. He was a great man and I miss him.

He was sick for a long time before he died. He had Parkinson's disease. If you can remember what Pope John Paul II looked like before he died - that is exactly how my father looked. The same posture... the same frozen expression on his face...the same slurred speech, etc (no white garb or Popemobile, though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />). I (and my mother) couldn't watch television footage of the Pope after my dad died.

ANYWAY, what really saddens me is that my nieces never really knew their grandfather as he really was. They were 5 and 8 when he died. They remember him as a sick old man in a wheelchair. They were afraid of him -- to hug him or kiss him. My father really loved them, too. He loved kids. You could see the joy in his eyes when they would come to visit. He would try to talk to them...but they couldn't understand him ...and they would back away. It just broke my heart.

But yet my little niece sometimes mentions that she misses him... so I don't know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I'm going to try to tell them some stories about their grandfather - so that they do get a picture of how great he really was and how he loved them.

I hope you have good memories of your mom, too. I bet you do.

SVB,

Oh yes, I have wonderful memories of both of my parents. And I don't mind that she died on Christmas. Rather, it makes Christmas more special to me - and ...

Well, I think what really happened was something like this :

Mom was laying there in the nursing home on Christmas morn, and God whispered in her ear. "Hey daughter, do you want to come to Christmas at my house?" And she said "Oh, that would be very nice!". So, she did.

I take Mom's death on Christmas day as God's special stamp of approval on her life.

Mom had Parkinsons too, so I know what that's like.

-AD

Aaargh! Now I am feeling guilty about complaining about my mother.

svb is not happy unless she's feeling guilty about something!

I do love my mother to death. I know she loves me, too, and wants only the best for me. She's got her flaws, but I love her in spite of them. I've got my flaws, too.

I've just been trying to reflect on my life and my relationships. I'm trying to learn....something.
I'm trying to understand...things.

BTW, we had a really good day today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> No complaints, no criticisms, and no guilt trips! Nuthin' but love today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> We had a really great conversation today, too, ironically, about relationships.

I'm tired -- I feel like I'm just rambling. Does anything I say ever make any sense?

I'm going to sleep. Sweet dreams to all.

Hey!

I just missed your post!

Oh, you've lost both your parents. I'm sorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Wow, and your mom had Parkinson's! Now I know why she broke her arm. Dad broke many a bone.

Guess what? My mother's birthday is on Christmas day. I didn't want to mention it because I thought it might make you ... sad. But I understand completely what you are saying.

This is all feeling kind of eerie to me.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />