Seriously! I'm a little freaked-out here.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just tired.

OK. I'm going to sleep for real now.

Good night.

SVB,

Many people have had Parkenson's.
1 out of every 365 people is born on Christmas day.
1 out of every 365 people dies on Christmas day. (not every Christmas, of course, LOL.)

It's just a coincidence.

But, if it get's you to send me an email, it will be a happy coincidence. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

GOOD NIGHT!

-AD

Aah, AD, what am I going to do about you??

I have to admit, I have a whole new level of admiration for you now - in light of some of this new info.

I've got some questions, too...

It's a pity you live so far away.

SVB,

There's some fine guys right near where you live, I'm sure. And, they're looking for somebody like you. But, if they don't find you in half a year or so, well...

For now, I'll leave you alone.

-AD

I have some thoughts that I need to unload. I generally have more than enough thoughts running through my brain at any given time, but I just got back from my divorce support group, so my thoughts are running at hyper-speed. Plus, I’ve been drinking too much diet Coke – and I had two pieces of chocolate.

Ok, here goes…

I feel God working in my life. Lately I’ve been posting about feeling down on myself – and the reasons for that. Well, tonight we discussed self-image and self-esteem in our meeting. Ahhh, just what I needed.

Mind you, this is a divorce support group through my church. This is a church I didn’t want to come back to because I thought that I wouldn’t be “accepted” as a divorced person. So, not only do they have a divorce support group (not very well advertised, though - or near my home), but I am also told that, in a situation like mine, divorce is not only NOT frowned upon, but it is encouraged!

Then, as we left the meeting, our group facilitator wanted us to randomly select a card from a deck of “affirmation” cards that she had. We have to reflect on our card during this week. Here’s mine:

I see my parents as tiny children who need love.

I have compassion for my parents’ childhoods. I now know that I chose them because they were perfect for what I had to learn. I forgive them and set them free, and I set myself free.

Wow, just what I needed to read, too. So strange that I would get a card like this after what I wrote about my mother.

Yes, God is ever-present and is watching over our lives.

Hi SVB,
I have been trying to write for a while now. January didn't use to be this busy.

Two weekends ago, we went to a little town in the mountains to stay the weekend, and play in the snow. I was going to write that weekend, when I had lots of spare time, but the phone line was out, and I couldn't use the dial up.

Since I don't have time to do the long post I was going to do, I'll just say that I hope you are well, and happy.

Being well this winter would reflect less stress in your life.

Of course, if you are happy, it means the stress is reduced also.

I wanted to talk about you, and your mother, and how you see yourself. Often the things we think about ourselves are driven not be reality, but by fear. We are afraid of somethig happening, or not happening, and our fears about it shape our self immage. Think about that - and tell me what you find out.

Also, most of our problems with other people are the result of self betrayal. That is, we know we should react THIS way, but we (usually out of fear also) instead react in THAT way.

Could you do things differently with your mother so that you don't fear, and you react in ways that will help her see you for who you reall are? And treat you as you want to be treated?

Again, please forgive me for being gone for so long. I continue to pray for you. If the above doesn't make sense, it's because I didn't have time to think about how to say it , I just typed it out quickly.

SS

PS, I'll be away (again) for a few days on business, the Jan and Feb have been tough.

Bump

Here's an update on what I've been up to:

1. I haven't talked to my ex since 2/20. This is the longest we've gone without communicating. The last time we spoke, he said he might be coming out to Chicago sometime in April to visit. April is now officially over.

2. It has been almost a year that I've been living on my own now. Since my lease on my apartment ends in June, I bought a house (townhouse). I'll be moving on Memorial Day weekend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

3. I took on a part-time job. Financially, I can probably get by without it, but it helps me to feel more secure, until I find a better full-time job (I'm growing increasingly unhappy in my job). The PT job keeps me busy, and it'll help me to buy house things.... and gas.

4. So and so was a disappointment. He was not interested in me. He just wanted to be friends "with benefits." He never did ask me out. He just wanted me to invite him over for SF - with no strings attached. I told him, thanks, but no thanks, it's just not me to do something like that. I guess I'm too old fashioned. At least he was honest with me from the start. Of course, he didn't give up on me right away - he kept trying to talk me into it. He left last week to start a new job, though, so I guess I don't have to worry about him anymore.

Sigh... I haven't even officially started dating yet, and I have this experience. Is this all I have to look forward to??

and finally,

5. Lenny died on 3/1. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hi SV, good to hear from you. Sorry about Lenny... Maybe he felt you would be okay on your own now?

Don't worry about dating - you will find somenone when it is least expected!

Milk

Hi Milkshake!

I think I have a lot of catching up to do on your thread. It appears that a lot has happened in the past 3 months or so. How are you doing?

I'm sorry about Lenny, too. I like to think she's watching over me from the big fish tank in the sky. Or maybe a pond..yeah.. a pond would be better.

As for dating, I'm not actively searching for anyone. To be honest, I don't know what I want to do. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder if I would be better off being on my own.

Hi!
SS smiles.
Talk first? Or go down the list?
Maybe go down the list, then talk.

1. I haven't talked to my ex since 2/20. This is the longest we've gone without communicating. The last time we spoke, he said he might be coming out to Chicago sometime in April to visit. April is now officially over.

How do you feel about this?
Facts do convey information, but not your state of mind.

2. It has been almost a year that I've been living on my own now. Since my lease on my apartment ends in June, I bought a house (townhouse). I'll be moving on Memorial Day weekend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lets see....... this is one of your goals, so this is a good thing. It may not be all that you want, but it's a start.
You will probably have more room. I'll tell the twins they wouldn't have to live in a closet - but then you may not have the pool, and that was a big draw for them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

3. I took on a part-time job. Financially, I can probably get by without it, but it helps me to feel more secure, until I find a better full-time job (I'm growing increasingly unhappy in my job). The PT job keeps me busy, and it'll help me to buy house things.... and gas.

- This is wondering out loud, just so you know -
Did she take the job a while ago, and that's why she hasn't been around, or is it a recent thing?
Was it mostly for money? Or to keep busy?
How is she really doing? There are a lot of gaps in the news we are getting.......

4. So and so was a disappointment. He was not interested in me. He just wanted to be friends "with benefits." He never did ask me out. He just wanted me to invite him over for SF - with no strings attached. I told him, thanks, but no thanks, it's just not me to do something like that. I guess I'm too old fashioned. At least he was honest with me from the start. Of course, he didn't give up on me right away - he kept trying to talk me into it. He left last week to start a new job, though, so I guess I don't have to worry about him anymore.

I am sooooooooooooooo glad you are old fashioned. My experience is that there are ALWAYS strings attached.

SF is a special bonding experience for the person you plan to spend forever with. It's not a casual thing - too many of our feelings are wrapped up in it.

I suppose my opinions are coming out - sorry. I'm glad you didn't fall for his lines. Glad he is gone now. I really don't think you need someone like that around.

Sigh... I haven't even officially started dating yet, and I have this experience. Is this all I have to look forward to??

Dream your dreams, then set about with all your might to make them come true. Ask God to help, and he will. Don't let a bad experience (or several) put you off from finding the joy you seek. It really can be all that you hope for.

and finally,
5. Lenny died on 3/1. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

She was a true friend - always listened with out interrupting, and she never judged you.

I am thinking 3/1 was a long time ago. I wasn't even invited to the memorial service. I'll have to think about that.
I would guess Lenny is in a nice pond. Clear water, just the right temp, and no predators or bigger fish to boss her around.

As for dating, I'm not actively searching for anyone. To be honest, I don't know what I want to do. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder if I would be better off being on my own.

I'm thinking about this one too. It says a lot about how much this hurt - and the "come on" guy didn't help one bit. Gives us all a bad name.

I'm going to ask a number of questions. Remember I'm not asking like your X would ask. I don't have contempt in my voice, or expect you to try to justify your actions. I ask so I can understand better - so relax and just respond naturally. This is your thread, you can always skip the questions if you don't feel like responding. With that part time job, you may not have much time.
That would be why you are posting early in the morning?


How's your mom?

Is it easier to tell her your feelings now?

Or is it still difficult, and you find you still try to humor her sometimes even when you would rather do something else?

Did you stay away from MB on purpose?

Or did it just work out that way?

Comments?
( You can laugh, I know it's funny to read some of this.)


Has your brother talked to you about how you are doing lately?
Is he helping?

How about church?

You say you are not searching for someone to date......... have you been asked since January, and did you go, and how do you feel about it?

It is good to hear from you again. I confess, I thought you had started dating someone, and were getting your need for conversation met in person.
I am wondering what brings you back - and again, this is just curiosity. It may be something you don't understand well yourself.

I remember you expressing your feelings for your dad. Somewhere there must be someone like that for you. God knows your heart, don't be afraid to ask him to lead you.

And finally -
Did you know God loves you?

SS

Hi SS,

I'll try to fill in some gaps.

1. I haven't talked to my ex since 2/20. This is the longest we've gone without communicating. The last time we spoke, he said he might be coming out to Chicago sometime in April to visit. April is now officially over.

"How do you feel about this?
Facts do convey information, but not your state of mind."

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I guess I'm kind of curious to know why he's not calling as he used to. He used to call every 2 to 3 weeks. Sometimes I wonder if something happened to him. Personally, I have no reason to call him. Right now, I have no desire to call him, either.

I have a box of stuff I was going to mail to him. The last time we spoke, I told him I was going to mail it. He said, "No, hold on to it in case I go to Chicago in April." I think I'll mail it out now after all.

He doesn't even know about my house.

- This is wondering out loud, just so you know -
Did she take the job a while ago, and that's why she hasn't been around, or is it a recent thing?
Was it mostly for money? Or to keep busy?
How is she really doing? There are a lot of gaps in the news we are getting.......

I started my job a little over a month ago -- the middle of March. It's only part of the reason I haven't been around so much, I suppose.

I took the job mostly for the money. It was after I applied for a loan, but before I closed on the house. I wanted to be sure that I could meet all of my expenses, and still save. I know I'll have unexpected expenses. I'll probably keep the job until I find a better full-time job. I miss my old income.

I am sooooooooooooooo glad you are old fashioned. My experience is that there are ALWAYS strings attached.
SF is a special bonding experience for the person you plan to spend forever with. It's not a casual thing - too many of our feelings are wrapped up in it.
I suppose my opinions are coming out - sorry. I'm glad you didn't fall for his lines. Glad he is gone now. I really don't think you need someone like that around.

For me there would definitely be strings attached. It would not be a casual thing. I told him so, too. He thanked me for telling him that. I'm not sure why. Are there women out there that will have sex with a guy KNOWING that he only wants a casual relationship only to expect something more serious from him afterwards? That's the only thing I can think of. I should have asked him.

I thanked him, too, for being honest up front and letting me know right away that he never wants to get married again and only wants casual relationships. He could have gone about it in a totally different way -- pretending to care about me and pretending to want a serious relationship to get what he wants-- and really hurt me.

The problem is that I liked this guy. LIKE liked. My heart would skip a beat every time he entered the room. I tried sooo hard not to let any emotion show on my face when he was around -- too many others around -- nosey, gossipy others. And I KNEW he was all wrong for me. I guess I liked him because I was attracted to him and because of the attention he paid me -- even though he was only interested is SF.

I guess that's why I'm so disappointed. I wish that things could have been different. I wanted to spend time with him. I wanted to get to know him. He could have cared less about those things. I remember one particular time he called my extension at work. He hinted around about me inviting him over. Once again, I told him that I couldn't do it. He said, "ok, well, I guess maybe I'll go to the movies then." That really hurt. It was as if he was saying that I wasn't even worth taking out.

Anyway, yeah, I guess I'm glad he's gone, too. Unfortunately, he occupied too many of my thoughts for a long time. I can focus on other things now. I suppose maybe that's the other reason why I've been gone from MB for a while. I thought about coming here to post about him, but I already knew he was not the guy for me.

I'll try to take your advice and not let a couple of bad experiences ruin everything for me. Still, I'm not in any rush for any new experiences... just yet.

You say you are not searching for someone to date......... have you been asked since January, and did you go, and how do you feel about it?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> No, no dates. As you know, so and so never asked me out, officially. I was approached by a couple of different guys at the grocery store, but it took everything in me not to run away screaming. Did I mention that I was shy - especially around guys? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I barely mumbled something about "just being divorced.... not ready... blah blah." It's amazing to me that so and so was even so forward with me. Boy did he pick the wrong girl.

Actually, I think there might be a so and so #2 at work. He works on an entirely different floor. We met at a blood drive and pass each other in the halls on occasion. He has already inquired about my marital status and suggested we go out to lunch sometime. He's completely different from so and so #1. But, for me, there's nothing there. He doesn't make my stomach do flips every time I see him like so and so #1 did....sigh. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

So, no, no dates, and I don't plan on hopping onto eHarmony just yet. It's strange, but I told myself that I'd start to consider dating in June -- after being on my own for 1 year -- but now I'm thinking more along the lines of June 2026.

How's your mom?
Is it easier to tell her your feelings now?
Or is it still difficult, and you find you still try to humor her sometimes even when you would rather do something else?

Mom is doing pretty well, thanks.

I'm still struggling a little in keeping some boundaries, though -- particularly now with the house. She would probably take over and do everything her way in my house if I let her. I'm trying to take her help and advice, which I do appreciate, but yet not let her do too much. I have to do this without offending her. It is a very delicate situation. aaarggh. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Well, I think that covers it all. Let me know if I left anything out.

And, once again, thanks for caring, SS.

~S

I guess I did leave out some things.

You will probably have more room. I'll tell the twins they wouldn't have to live in a closet - but then you may not have the pool, and that was a big draw for them.

They definitely wouldn't have to live in a closet, unless they really wanted to. But no, there's no pool in the townhouse complex. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> The community pool (and library) is not too far away, though. It's sort of in walking distance -- more like a bike ride, actually.

You know, I worried about not having a pool. I was worried that my nieces wouldn't want to come visit me w/o a pool. Is that crazy thinking? But I'm going to join the community pool. Like I said, it's still very close. From pictures, it seems very nice, with cool slides.

I don't live too far from a large water park, too. We're talking 25 water slides. I'm definitely going to take them there this summer.

I also have a view of a lake in front of my house. It's very peaceful. I saw 2 deer the other day. That made me happy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am thinking 3/1 was a long time ago. I wasn't even invited to the memorial service. I'll have to think about that.

Lenny's service was nothing fancy. A burial at sea, if you will. I thought about posting an update about everything when she died, but I didn't. I'm not really sure what kept me away.

Has your brother talked to you about how you are doing lately?
Is he helping?

Regarding the divorce?? Nobody talks about it anymore. I don't think that it's really thought of much, anymore. I believe that the new house has distracted everyone, including me.

I'm really moving on.

OK, now I'm done.

GOOD GRIEF !!
I missed this.
Sorry - I didn't check very well.





About not talking to XH.
I'm not sure how I feel about this. I guess I'm kind of curious to know why he's not calling as he used to. He used to call every 2 to 3 weeks. Sometimes I wonder if something happened to him. Personally, I have no reason to call him. Right now, I have no desire to call him, either.

I'm curious too - in a way. It could mean lots of things. I am glad you worry about him. I would have guessed you would. That means you care about others, and wish the best for them even if they hurt you. My high opinion of you is based on lots of little things like this. (Well, part of it is.) I also wonder if there is still some attachment - that would be normal given the time frame. As I think about it - I'm not sure if you would miss him, or the closeness, conversation, affection, and other things that go with marriage.

I doubt you would miss the pain, and the wondering what he was up to.


I have a box of stuff I was going to mail to him. The last time we spoke, I told him I was going to mail it. He said, "No, hold on to it in case I go to Chicago in April." I think I'll mail it out now after all.

Mail it.
My guess is that you would be tempted to put in a card, or a note wishing him well. I think that is always a good thing.
Note - I'm not trying to tell you what to do - but I am half teasing you. Kind of a backhanded compliment. It's good to follow your heart in these things.

He doesn't even know about my house.

You do need to disconnect from him.......... I think. I suppose you could be friends and keep in touch as long as you are single, and not dating. I wonder if keeping in touch with him would keep you in limbo longer though.

I started my job a little over a month ago -- the middle of March. It's only part of the reason I haven't been around so much, I suppose.

OK, I am curious. Is this something you are trained for - or just something light?

Actually, I don't know what you do at your regular job - but I don't dare ask. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I took the job mostly for the money. It was after I applied for a loan, but before I closed on the house. I wanted to be sure that I could meet all of my expenses, and still save. I know I'll have unexpected expenses. I'll probably keep the job until I find a better full-time job. I miss my old income.

The full time job was bad at first, then got better. Corporate culture being what it is, ( I once worked for a fortune 500 company) I would guess good people around you can make a big difference, but there are still undercurrents, and problems always in the background. It would be good for you to get a job you really liked, and at a better pay rate. Are you spending much time looking?
Don't be afraid of it - you'll do well if you change jobs. You have that aura about you even in your posts here.

For me there would definitely be strings attached. It would not be a casual thing. I told him so, too. He thanked me for telling him that. I'm not sure why.

He is polite because it serves his purposes - girls are more likely to like him if he's nice to them. He's more likely to get what he wants.

You may like him, but I don't. I consider him a predator. Oh sure, he asks right up front. But he is asking for things he shouldn't be discussing at all.

Are there women out there that will have sex with a guy KNOWING that he only wants a casual relationship only to expect something more serious from him afterwards? That's the only thing I can think of. I should have asked him.


There are many types of guys, and many types of girls. From reading on MB, it would seem the answer to your question is a yes. Story after story - but we could say heart break, after heart break, and it would be accurate.

I thanked him, too, for being honest up front and letting me know right away that he never wants to get married again and only wants casual relationships. He could have gone about it in a totally different way -- pretending to care about me and pretending to want a serious relationship to get what he wants-- and really hurt me.

It's a good time to think about the future...... right now, while we are talking about this. Most of us have some concept of heaven. We hope, but we don't dare think about it too much.

Lets say you are in a room of people, and everyone there qualifies for your concept of heaven. Not in some future time, but right then, as you are there with them. Half guys, half girls. Will one of the guys in that room will ask you for casual sex?

Search out the kind of person you want to be with forever, don't settle for someone who is asking you to betray your standards - even if he is polite while he does it. Don't think the person you are looking for doesn't exist.

OK, I sense I am creeping into lecture mode. Sorry.

You really can get what you want - believe in that. Know it's true.

The problem is that I liked this guy. LIKE liked. My heart would skip a beat every time he entered the room. I tried sooo hard not to let any emotion show on my face when he was around -- too many others around -- nosey, gossipy others. And I KNEW he was all wrong for me. I guess I liked him because I was attracted to him and because of the attention he paid me -- even though he was only interested is SF.

It may be good to understand why you liked him. It may help in the future.
I had my second daughter read HNHN when she started dating. She asked me why in the world I wanted her to read it, because she was only dating, not ready for marriage. I tried to help her understand that who she spent time with would be who she married. If she spent time with someone that wasn't right, just because she was "Only dating" she might just fall in love with him, and end up married anyway.

Do you understand why you liked him. I mean, he was probably tall, good looking, and so on, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> but beyond that?

I hope you don't mind me saying some of these things. I would so much like to see you have your dreams - The good ones, not the nightmares.

I guess that's why I'm so disappointed. I wish that things could have been different. I wanted to spend time with him. I wanted to get to know him. He could have cared less about those things. I remember one particular time he called my extension at work. He hinted around about me inviting him over. Once again, I told him that I couldn't do it. He said, "ok, well, I guess maybe I'll go to the movies then." That really hurt. It was as if he was saying that I wasn't even worth taking out.

I see why you wonder if you even want to date. He sounds like XH in many ways.

What is your idea of a fun, exciting date?

Anyway, yeah, I guess I'm glad he's gone, too. Unfortunately, he occupied too many of my thoughts for a long time. I can focus on other things now. I suppose maybe that's the other reason why I've been gone from MB for a while. I thought about coming here to post about him, but I already knew he was not the guy for me.

It's interresting to read that. You want someone to care for you. You want to care for someone.......

You had hopes - that didn't work out.
I am sorry. You put a lot of your feelings out here, I hope I am not making it worse by the things I am saying. I keep praying for you......... and the dreams you must have. Sometimes God is the only one that can make things work out.


I'll try to take your advice and not let a couple of bad experiences ruin everything for me. Still, I'm not in any rush for any new experiences... just yet.

Don't be afraid to ask God straight out where to look, and what to do. To be guided......
I'm sure you understand I don't know everything. I don't pretend to know what will happen..... but, I know God is real, and he loves you. I know he knows you personally, and will help if you follow him. I know he wants you to be happy, and productive, and successful - in relationships as well as everything else.

So I know you can get help from him on this, as well as everything else in your life if you follow him, and if you ask in faith. I know he loves you from personal experiance. I found out he loves me, and that this love is universal.


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> No, no dates. As you know, so and so never asked me out, officially.

I wish he was the person you are looking for, and that he asked you out. Knowing what he did want, I am glad he didn't ask you out.

I was approached by a couple of different guys at the grocery store, but it took everything in me not to run away screaming. Did I mention that I was shy - especially around guys? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I barely mumbled something about "just being divorced.... not ready... blah blah."

You shy?
Really?

So how come you can tell me all this stuff, if you are so shy?
Ok, I'm teasing again. I adimt it.
I'm shy around girls too. Lately I am getting over it, and I can talk to almost anyone these days, but it has been slow in coming.

I have a question about this last part, but it is pure curiousity.

Did you almost run away screeming because you are shy, or because of how they came across?


It's amazing to me that so and so was even so forward with me. Boy did he pick the wrong girl.

Lots of things come to mind. Most could be classed as DJ's.
A girl could say "No, and if you don't leave me alone, I'll report you to HR."

If they don't say that, the law of averages says the more times you ask, the more times you get a yes.

Please forgive me for being blunt. I know you liked (LIKED) him. I'm not trying to be mean to you, or hurt your feelings. I do understand guys a little bit. Forgive me if this makes you uncomfortable.

Actually, I think there might be a so and so #2 at work. He works on an entirely different floor. We met at a blood drive and pass each other in the halls on occasion. He has already inquired about my marital status and suggested we go out to lunch sometime. He's completely different from so and so #1. But, for me, there's nothing there. He doesn't make my stomach do flips every time I see him like so and so #1 did....sigh. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Do you have any ideas why?

So, no, no dates, and I don't plan on hopping onto eHarmony just yet. It's strange, but I told myself that I'd start to consider dating in June -- after being on my own for 1 year -- but now I'm thinking more along the lines of June 2026.

2026?
That would be sad in a way. There is probably more than one guy out there looking for you. Maybe one of them will be fun, and exciting. And everything else you are looking for.



Mom is doing pretty well, thanks.

I'm still struggling a little in keeping some boundaries, though -- particularly now with the house. She would probably take over and do everything her way in my house if I let her. I'm trying to take her help and advice, which I do appreciate, but yet not let her do too much. I have to do this without offending her. It is a very delicate situation. aaarggh. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

It comes with time. When you were far away, it probably wasn't much of a problem. I suspect you are still her little girl - even if you are all grown up. Be glad she loves you........ and it sounds like you are doing a good job of making your own decisions.


And, once again, thanks for caring, SS.

Remember - you really are worth it. You know I'm not making that up. Jesus was rejected and killed. That doesn't discount who he was, or how important he was. The events that happen to you, and the people that fail to treat you right don't define you either........ unless you let them.

That's all I have time for right now.

What makes a good day for you these days? What makes you smile?

SS

Bump - And it's about time (SS laughs as he types)

SS

Thank you for bumping my thread, SS.

Now to carry on from Milkshake's thread.....

Hows the job?
Same one?

Yup, same job. I have been applying left and right for a new one, but I’m not getting much of a response. It’s getting to be a bit depressing.

In the meantime, I am still working my part-time job. That is basically how I spend all of my time….working. I run from one job to another - then I come home and crash. It’s partly for the money, but partly to keep busy, too. When I keep busy, the deep dark thoughts stay away. There are many times when I think about quitting my part time job, especially when it all seems too overwhelming, but I don’t. I have a co-worker, who has become a good friend, who has told me, “You can’t quit this job. If you quit this job, what would you do? You would probably sit around your house and mope.” She’s right. At least we have fun together at work. We laugh a lot. She also wants to set me up with a friend of hers. I told her I’d think about it.

"I actually just received an email reply this week about a job I applied for in Europe. The hiring manager wanted to ask me some questions. I don't think it's going to work out, though. That's OK. It's nice at least that someone "out there" is actually giving my application consideration."

So tell us what you are thinking - I thought you wanted to stay closer to home.

I guess I don’t know what I’m thinking. I do want to be closer to home. But I also think it’d be fun to live and work overseas for a couple of years.

I suppose I could always travel. We will most likely be taking a big family trip to Europe next fall – nieces and all. I can hardly wait.

Is it your mom again?

No, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I think we are doing ok. We see each other about every other weekend or so. She would probably be happier if I saw her more often. Sometimes I get a little guilt trip, but I don’t let it get to me.

What you are doing with your time - all we know is what you aren't doing. (I still feel sorry for the guys you are staying away from.) You really are worth knowing.

Thanks, SS, you made me laugh…you made me smile. That was very sweet to say. You always make me feel better. Yeah, I’m still working on the self-worth thing. Sigh.

Oh, and the fish? (My remaining 2) They’re doing very well. They thank you for remembering them.

Finally, regarding my ex, I haven't spoken to him since August... maybe September??? I can't remember. I finally mailed him a box of his stuff. He called me afterwards to thank me. We talked for about an hour. We caught up a little, and that was it. I probably gave him too much information, as always. That means that, in the past year or so, I've only spoken to him TWICE. After 15 years with the same man... 11 years married.... I only talked to him TWICE in the past year! It blows my mind. I don't miss him. I don't really think of him too much anymore... I'm too busy. I would NEVER EVER consider getting back together with him, if it were ever a possibility. I make a point of trying not to speak of him, either. When I DO speak of him, say, with my family, I don't/can't even say his name.

Ok, there's my update. Is that enough information, SS? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I guess I have a question, too.

What do I tell people about the reason for my divorce? What will I tell future dates?

1. Ex was having an affair. ---- was he, though? It was never officially proven or admitted.

2. Ex was not always a nice man. Ex was verbally and emotionally, and in the beginning of our marriage, physically abusive. ---- was he that bad, though?
I fell in love with him for a reason, right?

I don't want to make it sound as if he were the only one with the faults. "Oh, HE was the crazy one! I don't know why I married him in the first place!" I can't be blameless.

I'm embarrassed to admit that he could be abusive. What does that say about me? Why was I such an idiot to put up with it? I hear it all the time.... "Oh I would never put up with a man who abused me! If my H ever hit me, I would be OUT of the door!"

Anyway, I just wouldn't know what to say. I'd appreciate any suggestions.

Can I get back to you on that?

For some reason, I'm really tired tonight.

Thanks for the update too - I had been wondering.

I was kind of sad when Lenny died, and I wondered how long lived the others would be.

I might........
Well, I have comments, but they won't come together well.
Probably the fatigue.

Tomorrow then?

I'll take that as a yes.

You are so quiet sometimes.

SS

I guess I have a question, too.

What do I tell people about the reason for my divorce? What will I tell future dates?

Most people don't need to know, and you shouldn't discuss it with them.

"That was a difficult chapter in my life, and I'd prefer not to talk about it."

or

"That's something I'm not ready to talk about yet, how about we talk about something else?"

If you start dating, you can talk about it if you like the guy, and think something might happen. When you get to that point, you can mention both listed below.

1. Ex was having an affair. ---- was he, though? It was never officially proven or admitted.

All the signs were there that he was having an A. He never would open up and say what he really was doing, and he never did explain the gaps in your information.

2. Ex was not always a nice man. Ex was verbally and emotionally, and in the beginning of our marriage, physically abusive. ---- was he that bad, though?
I fell in love with him for a reason, right?

When you fell in love with him, he wasn't doing those things. Was he?
Usually abusive behavior comes out after you marry.
You tell me -
But then, I know some couples who are so in love, they don't see the red flags that others (who are outside) can see. Lets discuss this one a little bit. This could affect your self esteem - do you fear your choices in the future?

Emotional abuse is like being fed poison. We know something is wrong, but we don't know what it is. Slowly you die, but you never understand why your life is draining away. It does that to marriage. It wasn't one single thing. It was all these things added together.

If he had been willing to work on them with you, if he had been honest, then you would have stayed. I think we both know that.

See, we worry how these things look because we doubt ourselves, and our decisions.

I think if you find the right guy, it won't be difficult. If you get a jerk - don't go out with him in the first place.

No, I realize we don't always know right up front. As stated above, you can defer until you know it's right to talk about it. Don't be afraid of this part. You are a smart gal, it will come to you.

I don't want to make it sound as if he were the only one with the faults. "Oh, HE was the crazy one! I don't know why I married him in the first place!" I can't be blameless.

You can talk about failure to meet needs, and LB's that existed on both sides. It will be easier to do when you both read HNHN, and discuss it.
You will do that?
Right?

And you'll invite me to the wedding?


I'm embarrassed to admit that he could be abusive. What does that say about me? Why was I such an idiot to put up with it? I hear it all the time.... "Oh I would never put up with a man who abused me! If my H ever hit me, I would be OUT of the door!"

As we have learned on MB, people don't know what they would do until it happens. Talk is cheap.

One lesson I have learned -
Learned as in Lived, know personally, understand from personal experience.
You can't do any better than you know at the time.
We sometimes say to our selves - "If I could just go back and do this over.
If Only I knew then, what I know now."

Well, we can't go back, and we didn't know it then.

We can learn from it, and we can forgive ourselves. Sometimes I wish you had more time to think, not less. It takes thought to work through these things.

Talking to someone helps too. What ever happened to your friend from HS that was getting married? Do you still spend time with her?

Anyway, I just wouldn't know what to say. I'd appreciate any suggestions.

1. Don't discuss it with most people.

2. When you do talk, it should be with someone you are close to, and then you can share your soul. This can be a good thing.

I thought your IC would have explored all this with you, and helped you understand YOU, and your role in the marrriage. I am concerned (SS puts on his stern look)that you are still concerned.

It is good to explore our own faults, and change our own selves. However, it is also good to forgive ourselves for past mistakes when we are honestly trying, and making those changes.

Things come to mind - but I have an appointment in 10 min. (another location) so you only get two more minutes, and I may have to finish later.

Are you living the kind of life you believe you should?

If you are not, it would explain some of your self doubt.
What I mean is -
Going to church
Helping others from time to time.
Working on self improvement
Eating right
Getting exercise.
Exercising your mind.

It can be as simple as - is your life well rounded?

Tell me what you think.
All of us do better at some times, and worse at others. After reading your update, I see you have the physical things covered in your life.
How about the emotional ones?

SS

Hi SS, I hope you're feeling more rested.

Thanks for your reply to my question. I think you are right. I shouldn't talk about it if I don't feel comfortable. I think, perhaps, that is a big reason why I try to talk about exH as little as possible with friends and coworkers. I'm afraid that it will bring up questions that I don't want to answer. And, with the right guy...someday... I will probably feel comfortable speaking what is on my mind and in my heart.

I worry too much. I shouldn't worry about this.

I suppose I'm tired -- overall. It muddles my thinking sometimes. I know better. I look forward to discussing HNHN, etc. with the right guy in the future. I know that there are good men out there. All I have to do is remember my father, and I'm ok.

Aaargh. I have my moments when I think that what I'm looking for doesn't exist. I look around lately and it seems that all I see are players, affairs, etc. Sometimes I feel as if I'm from another planet. But, like I said before, I know better. I just have to have faith and be patient.

You're right. It doesn't help, either, that my life is very unbalanced right now. I think it does bring up my self doubt... and feelings of worthlessness.

I gotta work on that. Thanks, SS.

OK, time to go to sleep.

BTW, I would be honored to have you at my wedding. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />