Hey SVB, nice to see you!

I remember the 1 year mark after my D. It was kinda odd, too, looking back on all that had happened. Didnt have truckloads of guys knocking down my door, ok/boring job. I think that was a settling out period, it's such a big transition from a long marriage (these days 7 yrs is long <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) to being on your own. I wasnt exactly a trilling or fun time for me, but I look back now and see that I did need it. Settling into the new me, the new life. Some time for just healing! You really sound just fine to me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And on the Divorce question, really, no one ever asks WHY. I got D'd 12 years ago, no one has ever asked me why. By the time you get THAT close to someone (like potential new H), you'll know what to say.

When I'm volunteering info, I say we married way too young and that 'there were a lot of problems'. Very generic. You married young, too. And I bet that was a lot of the problem, as you said, you'd never pick someone like him now. I dont know why we think we're so smart at 20 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />.

I hope you find something fun to do soon! Thanks for checking in. Hope your holidays are grand <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> - Dru

SVB, I think of a lot of the same things you mentioned too. Dru's point is good - WH and I married young too, and we didn't really know what it takes to maintain a good R.

Yeah I thought I knew everything at 24 too.

Milk

When we go through hard times, there are a lot of things we learn about ourselves.

At least we do if we are thoughtful, and honest about our actions, and feelings.

I have learned that I have many faults, and that I need to improve myself. Both for me, and to be a better spouse.

It seems that the rate of improvement is slow, but my W says there is progress.

I don't do AO's any more - they went away over the last 5 years I have been using MB materials.
A DJ sometimes still sneaks in, but I usually catch it before I finish the sentence, and I apologize right away.

It makes a difference to my W that I take responsibility for my problems, and don't try to blame them on her. It's much easier for her to love me.

I am sure both of you (S, and Milk) have things you can improve on. If you are aware of what these are, and working on them then you should get credit for it.

Sometimes we give ourselves the credit, but then take it away again - "Ok, I did this right, but if I'm so great, how come H left me, and chased after someone else?"

I can't imagine how difficult it must be to work through these feelings. I know it is more difficult that I thought, because I see that you (S) are still struggling with it.

I think both of you are at times.

Perhaps Dru can comment, she seems to be through this part and doing better now. Was it mostly time Dru, or did you do specific things that helped you to cope?

Did the two of you (Milk, and S) ever get together and talk to each other in person?

Yeah I thought I knew everything at 24 too.

so did I, and I was sure of it.
It sure evaporated fast though. Now I know next to nothing.

SS

Hi Dru, Milk, and SS

Dru, I'm glad to hear that you think I'm doing just fine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Most of the time I feel like I'm doing just fine, too. My life is pretty peaceful these days, and I'm happy overall -- I'm just busy, that's all. And, of course, I have my moments, but I guess we all do.

SS, I do struggle sometimes, but I know that I have come a long way. I have learned so much here since my whole ordeal began. I will continue to try to learn and improve myself too. My next relationship will be WAY better.

I look forward to practicing pretty soon -- maybe after the new year starts? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

And you know what else makes me feel a little better, too? Ok, maybe this is silly, but the young men in my office (18-25y.o or so) think that I'm way cool. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
I betcha they would think that my ex is a stupidhead.

And, no, Milk and I have never talked in person.... but I still do think it's a good idea.

Hi SVB1,

Nice to "see" you back here.

You still didn't send me an email. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm sure the young guys in the office are right. <sigh>
Pity (for me) I'm not one of them. The main problem, of course, is that I'm not a young guy at all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

(why don't they have a :frown-wink: emoticon?)

-AD

Hi AD!

It's nice to see you, too. I see that we're still not sleeping?? That's the bad thing that I've found about this place. I slept much more during my break from MB.

You still didn't send me an email.

I'm... uhhhh....waiting for the right moment? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Pity (for me) I'm not one of them. The main problem, of course, is that I'm not a young guy at all.

Ahh, pity (for them) I'm not looking for a 18-25y.o. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, how've you been? Do you have any updates around here?

Update?

I've dropped a few crumbs on various threads.

XW is married to OM, 6 months PG - and just left here with our daughter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Actually, I had agreed to let her have DD this afternoon and overnight, because I hoped to have a date. But no progress there. I've got tickets to a Christmas concert in about 3 hours. Should I send my private jet to pick you up?

Oops. Sorry. Forgot. I don't have one of those. Have you?

Anyway, there's a very nice D'd lady in my church that I'm trying to ... what am I trying to do anyway? I"ve been trying to work out a way to get together with this lady for a month or more. Kids and schedules and maybe she's just putting me off. I don't know.

I'm on eHarmony sometimes. I'm cool to eH right now. Sometimes I warm up to it, but they always match me with people who live far away - not as far as Chicago, LOL. But, you would think - they have a setting for that, and I said "30 miles" and they still match me with ladies 300+ miles away.

Last night eHarmony sent me a message that something in one of my communications "violated the terms of service" - and I was going to be locked out. I was really hurt by that. The objectionable message was one in which I asked one lady to consider meeting me at a Christmas concert at a church - in broad daylight. I called and talked to customer service who applogized nicely and gave me a free month - said it was a mistake and they'll fix it. Apparently there is some program which analyses every message sent and looks for problems. I didn't sign up for eHarmony so that a computer could insult my honor.

Thanks for giving us an update. I agree with SS. <grin> Perhaps you are working too much right now. But I think that's OK for a while - as long as you don't put yourself in debt so that you have to work two jobs to pay the debts. But you know that already and I'm sure you're not doing that.

The sun is shining and it's 70 degrees here! I wish I had somebody to go for a walk with.

<sigh>

-AD

XW is married to OM, 6 months PG

Yikes...are you ok with all of this?

Oops. Sorry. Forgot. I don't have one of those. Have you?

No, unfortunately, I don't. But maybe I can fly down on my magic carpet. No..wait... I don't have one of those, either.

I've watched too many Disney movies.

I've thought about starting with eHarmony. I actually started the personality test.... about 6 months ago, but I never finished it. I thought, "but as soon as I finish the test, I might actually have to start meeting guys!" Then I panicked and never went back. Maybe it's time to go back.

As for working too much. I definitely am. I think I'm going to change that in the New Year, too. I'm going to either cut back my hours or quit entirely. Then I think I might sign up for a class. As for debt... I'm ok...really. I'm financially responsible -- I promise. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take care, AD. I hope you get to enjoy your nice weather. I am about to drive down to my mother's. My brother is in town to drop off my nieces. We'll be having yummy Chicago-style pizza tonight.

I don't really have any choice in the matter.

It's strange. I feel better about it than I imagined. I thought that I would not be able to stand to see my ex in her (um) "condition" - and was going to hire a driver to pick up my daughter every week - but for some reason, I'm just numb to it. I pray for her and her child.

XW is not doing very well. She doesn't live with her OM/H. DD doesn't know that her Mom is married, but she does know she's getting a little brother. She (DD) prayed for a little brother or sister and is pretty pleased with her success at praying.

XW has had a difficult pregnancy and some interactions with other health problems. She may be put on bed rest. I don't know how that's going to play out. I may get extra time with DD.


You can meet guys anywhere. I think there are twice as many women as men on eHarmony, tho they will not admit it. I looked at some other stats they published from some user surveys and just figured it out from that.

I think they send me matches that I don't want just because they want to match the woman with somebody.

Also, they match you with zombies - people who signed up, but never paid and never came back. They won't easily admit that they match people with non-subscribers who can't communicate, but all the personals services do that. They use the paying customers as bait for the new people - hoping to lure you in by saying "Susie is waiting to communicate with you. Just subscribe now, and your new life can begin" or something like that. But Susie may not have paid yet either - and can't communicate with you.

I suppose I'm rather down on eHarmony right now.

I did meet a couple of nice ladies there a month or so ago, but the one I was intersted in is 100 miles away and it's hard to work that in with my parenting obligations. So, I put her on hold. She gave me her phone number, but I just stuck to email.

I was thinking about it today. In my entire life, I've called 5 different women/girls to ask for a date. One of them I married. (Well, actually, that relationship did not start with a phone call.) So I've married 20% of the women that I asked for a date. Pretty scarey!

Oops, I forgot the current lady of interest - that would make 6, so my stats are going down.

Most guys find it difficult, but I think I'm worse than most.

So, I still haven't had a date since my divorce. I could have, if I wanted to drive a little. I'd really like to have somebody local that I could see on weeknights - or meet for lunch.

Enough about that. This is your thread.


I knew you were.


Thanks. I did. The concert was beautiful. I'm sure I would have earned some points for taking a girl to that. LOL

I hope you have a pleasant time with your family pizza dinner.

-AD

HI SVB,

I hope you dont think I was being glib or superficial... I do think that the first year after a D is a transitional year. Like you said, not too fantastic, but also not too horrible... And I think if you are in that middle ground, then you are doing pretty darned good!! Give yourself some credit - for all you've been through, the D, the move, new job... Good is GREAT <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Those are like the top three of life's big stressors, you know.

I'm taking off for the holidays, back after the new year. I hope your holidays are lovely <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> - Dru

I hope you had fun with the nieces.
Your weekend was good?


Are you taking much time off at Christmas?
With two jobs, it could be a lot or work. (Pun intended.)

I am glad you are considering accepting dates soon.
Does your church have a good singles program?

I am sure there are many good men out there, just as there are many good women. The big question is (of course) how do you find them, and how do you know?

In my experience, the closer you are to God the easier it will be for you. I hope you are working on that part of your life as well as the other important things.

Your tip for the day -
Don't let the fish out for a "pit stop" and then leave them on the pourch. I fear they would be "cold" to you for quite some time.

OK, I know all you have to do is clean the tank. That was the best I could do on short notice.

Hi AD !

SS

Hi AD,

I don't really have any choice in the matter.
It's strange. I feel better about it than I imagined.

You do sound pretty well considering the situation. As for me, it makes me thankful that I don’t have to deal with exH anymore. I couldn’t bear news like that. You’re a tough guy, AD. But then again, maybe I’d be surprised, too, about how I’d actually take the news.

XW is not doing very well. She doesn't live with her OM/H. DD doesn't know that her Mom is married, but she does know she's getting a little brother.

I don’t understand this situation. Where is her OM/ H? Will they live together eventually? OK, I asked, but then again, you might not know, either.

I suppose I'm rather down on eHarmony right now.

I’m not sure what to do. My good friend from back in Philly just married a man that she met on eHarmony. It was the second man that she actually went out with from eHarmony. That means, statistically speaking, that she married 50% of the men that she went out with from that website. (I’m a numbers person, too.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Do you live in a not too densely populated area? Could that be the problem?

So, I still haven't had a date since my divorce.

That makes you and me both – although I haven’t technically put myself on the market yet.

Let me give you a run down of my experiences with men since my D.

- I was approached by So and So … who only wanted me to be his “friend with benefits.”
- I think I might have received an “indecent proposal” by a MM coworker. (I’m too shocked and horrified to even talk about it yet --- I’m still trying to pretend that it never happened – or that he didn’t mean what he might have meant.)
- I was approached my a couple of guys that were like, “heeeey baby, should we talk?”

Which leads me to SS's great question (Hi SS)-

I am sure there are many good men out there, just as there are many good women. The big question is (of course) how do you find them, and how do you know?

Yes, that is my burning question.

No, SS, my church does not have a good singles program, and no, I am not working that part of my life as well as I should right now. Actually, the pretty much only area I'm focusing on is WORK.

I wasn't planning on taking any additional time off for the holidays, I am actually working more, but maybe I should reconsider.

I guess it's pretty clear what I need to do. Maybe then everything else will fall into place. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

As for my fish, I think one of them is sick... the big guy.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Drucilla,

No, I didn't think that you were being glib or superficial. I always value what you have to say. You have been where I am and you KNOW.

Yes, good is FANTASTIC. I could always be worse, and I am thankful for many things, despite everthing.

I hope you enjoy your holidays, too.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SVB1,

Yes, I'm sure the size of the metro area makes a huge difference.

My metro area is about 250,000 people.

Where you live has as many or more people as my metro area + Nashville + Birmngham + Chattanooga.

... and I just sent an email to a lady in B-ham. I don't know why. She sent her phone number and now I don't know what to do with it.

-AD

PS. Hi, SS!

PPS. I'm sorry about your fish. I hope (s)he will recover quickly!

AD said:
... and I just sent an email to a lady in B-ham. I don't know why. She sent her phone number and now I don't know what to do with it.

Honestly, I can't believe some people can be engineers, and don't know how to dial the phone.

I'm half teasing, but only half.

My oldest daughter dated a lot of boys while she was in HS. She and her friends had a pact. They wouldn't go out with any one boy more than one time unless it was a group setting (meaning a dance, or a party.) She dated lots of boys, had a good time, and never got serious until she was half way through college and ready for marriage. (Well, as ready as one can be - marriage being what it is.)

I recommend the same for you AD. Meet Girls, and talk to them. Most of them don't bite - at least not hard.

As for S - that's for another post.

SS

I hope you don't mind if I relate some personal opinions about meeting the right person - which some may call "good luck."

Sometimes we are lucky - or unlucky.
Examples of bad luck could be being in the wrong place, at the wrong time, and getting in a car accident - being hit by a drunk driver, or by someone running a red light. '

Sometimes we are the recipient of good luck. I found a quarter on the parking lot the other day - I know it's not worth much, but it made me smile.

I believe that mostly though, we create our own luck.

Those who prepare them selves for success, have more success.

I was probing when I asked about singles programs at church. If you want a person who shares your values, you go to where you are most likely to find people with those values.

I want to encourage you to attend church. It can do two things -
1. You might get good leads. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
2. God does help us more when we seek after him with all our hearts.

Sometimes we think our dreams are better, or more important than what God has planned for us. Or we don't give it much thought, and fill our time because it's easier that way.

God wants us to be happy, and doing things his way will bring us more happiness than any thing else we can do. Sometimes it's hard though.

It's hard to know what he wants, and it is often hard to DO what he wants once we find that out.

So, I admit I wondered about you SVB. I wondered if you were going to church. I wondered if you were praying for guidance. I wondered if you were staying away from dating because of these bad experiences, if you are not ready yet, or just why.

There are lots of reasons I can think of for both Ad, and S to stay away from it - however all of these reasons are based in fear.

I think of all our fears, fear of the unknown must be high on the list for all of us as being the worst one.

I do think about this, and I wonder how to best encourage you. I think you are a wonderful person, who doesn't know just how good she is, or how much better she can be with just a few changes.

Often we stay where we are because it's what we know - and it's comfortable, even if it's not all we want.

Don't be afraid to dream. I was serious when I said I feel sorry for the boys who don't get to date you. Not the jerks of course, but those who try to do what's right. Those who want to follow God, those who care about others, and who do the best they can with the light they possess.

One of the best ways to find someone is to make your self into the kind of person that this "dream person" would want to be with. When you are being the best "you" that you can be, it's not so hard to imagine that special person being interested in you. It's easier to go out, and have a good time (the right kind of good time) and see what happens.

Ah - I go on sometimes.


I wasn't planning on taking any additional time off for the holidays, I am actually working more, but maybe I should reconsider.

Depends on what your goal is. If you need to keep busy, then work. I understand - and you should do what you think best.

I guess it's pretty clear what I need to do. Maybe then everything else will fall into place. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It sounds like you understand. I encourage you to be the best you that you can be.
S, believe in yourself. If you could see yourself as I see you, I think you would be much more sure of having that future you dream of - when you let yourself dream.

As for my fish, I think one of them is sick... the big guy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I can't remember the others names, only Lenny. I know Lenny (the girl) passed away.

I've never had fish, so I don't know what they do when they are sick.

It's not morning sickness, is it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Ad,
Do you think we should invite S on our next camping trip?
What with the twins (They are girls S, just so you know) and my W, I am sure she would feel safe going. Sometimes I think she needs to get out more.

SS

SVB1,

When SS says "out", he means OUT - to a place big enough to hold the city where you live, but which has no permanent residents, and might, any given moment, contain 0 to 10 people.

Sure, SS, it would be fine with me, but I'd better leave my DD at home. She always wants to go to the tent as soon as dinner is over (and she wants take me too). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

With appologiese to SVB, who's thread I've not forgotten this is, I say to SS, that I agree with much of what you have said. But telling me to "date a lot of girls", is like telling a janitor to "buy a lot of stock". Nevertheless, I've been thinking lately (like for the past 3-4 days, LOL) that I should just make a date with anybody who is willing - just for practice. That seems dishonest to me - since I could get a date with somebody that I know that I'm not interested in.

There's about 3 ladies on eHarmony who might date me once - none of them in my city. (Ok, 2 of them I've not communicated with for more than a month.) I could start by calling them, since 2 have sent their phone numbers and plainly said that they prefer to talk on the phone rather than email.

There's a girl at the office that a couple of the guys were trying to fix me up with. Apparently, she's interested. She's a good worker, everybody says.
For whatever reason, my only interest in her would be theoretical. I don't know how to explain that, since there's really nothing wrong with her. But still, I could eat lunch in the conference room rather than going home for lunch every day - and get to know that lady a little. <sigh> That's all that was requested of me, actually.

-AD

AD,
Get to know her. Talk to her - and be friends at least. You can keep your distance but still talk to her.

You two have a good holiday weekend.

AD,
Notice that S is quiet now.
There is a reason for that - I'll be still for a while, and let her respond.

SS

Yup. I noticed. I thought the most likely reason was that she was not reading here.

SBV1,

Sometime, if you have time, I'd like to have a discussion about the nature of shyness. It would be helpful, perhaps, to air the differing perspectives of shy men and women.

You did say you considered yourself shy. Right?

-AD

Hello...

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.

I know I've been quiet. Sorry. I have peeked in here on occasion throughout the week -- but not since Friday night. Been thinking about what to say, I suppose.

SS, why do you think I've been away? Just curious. Did you think you scared me away? You might have, a little.

Ad,
Do you think we should invite S on our next camping trip?
What with the twins (They are girls S, just so you know) and my W, I am sure she would feel safe
going. Sometimes I think she needs to get out more.

Camping with y'all would be fun.

BUT...

I have not ever been camping before - unless you count sleeping in a tent in your own backyard. You would have a serious rookie on your hands.

And, yes, you might recall that I was in the military. HOWEVER, at the end of boot camp, when you're supposed to have your 3 day field training exercise --- I was in the hospital with the chicken pox. I was in bed eating ice cream and watching movies. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

AD,

Sometime, if you have time, I'd like to have a discussion about the nature of shyness. It would be helpful, perhaps, to air the differing perspectives of shy men and women.

You did say you considered yourself shy. Right?

Yes, I do consider myself to be shy. Though I suppose that I am shy at first until I warm up to someone. I am also more shy around men and large groups of people.

What's on your mind, AD?

Well, uh, ... <stammered AD>...

Let's start with a safe topic, my daughter.

People have observed that she is very shy. One daycare worker said a few years ago that she was the shyest 3-year-old she had ever had. So, the first question is "Is shyness genetically determined?"

The next question is "What is it, exactly?"

I think that shy people are trying to figure everything out before they jump in. The more people present, the more difficult the task - so that in group of a certain size, the shy person will be silent. (S)he feels the need to understand each person present - and the relationships between all the people - before saying anything.

I don't know why this would be so.

What do you think, S?

-AD