PARALYZING fear is a familiar companion, not a constant companion, but certainly familiar.

But what is feared?

Normal stuff : rejection, betrayal etc.

Plus ... fear of disappointing somebody, fear of hurting somebody, etc.

If somebody thinks I'm somethin' - then fear that they'll discover that I'm not.

etc.

One lady on eHarmony wrote (in her profile) "I just want a regular, normal guy". I liked the sound of that, then I got to thinking and realized that I'm not one of those. LOL. I don't watch football (or TV at all). I don't hunt. I don't drink beer. I drink hot tea. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> etc.

I think I could hunt, and buy a TV and watch football, if it would help. I really wouldn't mind.

SS, and speaking of habits... one hour at the computer on a Saturday afternoon wouldn't hurt, but ...

Back to my DD now.

-AD

I'm back.

I wanted to ... well, somehow manipulate you all into thinking that I'm not so shallow as to care what a lady looks like. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> After all, I look like a typical dumpy middle-aged white guy. I've got nothing to trade for.

Anyway, the lady from last Saturday is OK. We exchanged a few emails this week. She has a sense of humor, and that's worth something.

<sigh>

Why am I writing about this here, on SVB's thread? Yikes!

-AD

I think I could hunt, and buy a TV and watch football, if it would help. I really wouldn't mind.

Don't you dare change who you are. You are going to find a lady who probably likes the fact that you don't watch football or drink beer and that you like hot tea.

I think it's pretty cool that you drink hot tea. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

To me, your statement should not be:
I drink hot tea. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
It should be:
I drink hot tea. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

What kind of tea do you like?

I wanted to ... well, somehow manipulate you all into thinking that I'm not so shallow as to care what a lady looks like. After all, I look like a typical dumpy middle-aged white guy. I've got nothing to trade for.

OK, you've manipulated me. I'm easily manipulated, you know.

Why am I writing about this here, on SVB's thread? Yikes!

Please don't stop posting on my thread. I like sharing it. Write whatever you feel like writing.

Well, right now, I'm craving some Lapsang Souchong, but I haven't had any in a few years.


OK. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

In the cavernous silences of the world wide web, AD cleared his throat.

"Eh-eh"

The dull sound echoed briefly against the boundaries of the electronic frontier ... then all returned to silence.

You are being coached by one of the best AD, so pay attention. (meaning coached by SVB, not myself)

She's trying to figure out if she likes coaching, and if it's safe. She'll nod yes when she reads this and she'll come back with her marvelous sense of humor, and wow us both.

She just needs to know that we respect her for who she is, and that she's safe. There are too many men in the world (and in her personal past) who wanted something. She's just being careful.


Subject change -

AD, you have been hurt too. I think you also need to understand that this thread is safe for you.

One of the reasons I can come and go - and write what I write, be impartial, and appear to read S's mind, is that I am not invested in this. I can't really be hurt here. My heart is not on the line.
Neither of you can say that.

Does that make sense ?

I am not sure which poster said it first, but it has been repeated more than once -

What would you do if you were not afraid? What would you say? What would be different about your interactions here?

I could say lots more, but if I say too much, then S is afraid to write lest I see more of her than she wants seen. I have to be careful what I write, and how I write it.

Trust is an interesting thing. You can trust someone, but still keep part of yourself back. If you look into it, you often find that it is YOURSELF that you don't trust.

How am I doing S?

Is this helping ???

SS

Hi AD and SS

Sorry about the silence AD. Hee hee. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I've worked the past few nights and I'm sooo tired. It has been crazy at work (part time). We're very short-handed and barely have time to even take breaks.

Not sleeping well, either, when I do sleep.
I've got tons on my mind.

I shouldn't complain. I chose my own busy life.

I'm off for the next few nights, so I'll be back. I need to think some things through.

night

SVB1,

When you wrote "please don't stop", <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I was, of course, pleased.

However, as I have been telling SS, I'm trying to wean myself away from the MB forum and more generally away from spending so much time online or at a computer. In my work, I spend all day at the computer, and I have the absolutely terrible habit of spending yet more time on-line at home. For over 5 years! I've been posting on the MB forum.

Have you read the little book "Who moved my cheese?"

When I first came here more than 5 years ago, this forum provided me with something I needed (the metaphorical cheese). For a long time, I've known that there is no longer any cheese here for me - and yet I keep coming back, out of habit - looking for something I need, but will most likely never find here.

Perhaps, your "please don't stop" was the last morsel of some especially fine cheese that I'll find in this web.

While I would be delighted to get to know you - establish a long distance friendship of some kind, I really don't think that the MB forum is the place for it. I have long described GQII as "a boiling cauldron of misery". Meeting here for a pleasant chat is like having dinner on a balcony overlooking the killing floor of a slaughterhouse.

I'd love to hear from you in more pleasant surroundings.

Feel free to email me on my annonymous email account.
"zzzzzzz" is my address.

-AD

SS,

It’s not that I don’t know if I like coaching or not, it that I’m NOT really good at it. It’s very rare when I find something that is obvious enough for me to comment on.

You, on the other hand, DO have a gift for it. It does have to do with our personalities. I am not “naturally” in tune with my own feelings and the feelings of others. I don’t always know what to say to others, though I am a good listener.

That’s what frustrates me sometimes. I wish that I could help people here the way that you do, but I can’t.

I could say lots more, but if I say too much, then S is afraid to write lest I see more of her than she wants seen. I have to be careful what I write, and how I write it.

Trust is an interesting thing. You can trust someone, but still keep part of yourself back. If you look into it, you often find that it is YOURSELF that you don't trust.

You’re right, I do hold back. But I’m not sure I understand what you mean about the last part about trusting myself. Remember that I am not “in tune” with my own feelings! Can you spell it out for me? I really need the book Feelings for Dummies. Someone should write that if it doesn’t exist already. I would buy it.

AD,

I have long described GQII as "a boiling cauldron of misery". Meeting here for a pleasant chat is like having dinner on a balcony overlooking the killing floor of a slaughterhouse.

Man do you have a way with words.

I totally understand what you mean about staying away from MB.

But as for staying away from the computer, you do know that if I e-mail you, you WILL have to come to the computer to get my e-mails, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm taking the twins and my W away for the weekend. I don't have much time, but I'll try an answer.

BTW, I guess some things right, but I also make mistakes about others feelings in many cases. I'm not all knowing. Please feel free to call me on it at any time.

You’re right, I do hold back. But I’m not sure I understand what you mean about the last part about trusting myself. Remember that I am not “in tune” with my own feelings! Can you spell it out for me? I really need the book Feelings for Dummies. Someone should write that if it doesn’t exist already. I would buy it.

You have lots of talents, and your dad was right about being "one smart cookie." Many people who divorce have a hard time trusting their feelings for some time afterwards. If you don't understand what happened to what was once a good relationship, it's hard to want to try again.

We shy away from others, wondering if they are safe, when it's our own judgment we are most worried about. Will I choose another person who will hurt me?
You have to have exposure to someone to learn enough about them to even know if you want to know more. (bad structure, I know, but I believe you can get what I meant.)

It's not a bad thing to hold back some things on a forum like this. My goal is to encourage you, and help you reach your own goals. You don't need to bare your soul for that to happen. Sometimes I type things I observe for two reasons. You need to know your strengths - and trust yourself. And also, you need to understand what holds you back.

I hope this exchange is useful to you in those ways. I seldom tell you "do this, or do that," I just try to point out things and let you think about them.

I'll check in when I get back. Hope you both have good weekends.

SS

0 unread messages
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hi SS,

OK, you are right. I see what you mean. I don’t trust myself to choose someone else. I suppose I need to give people a chance.

Of course, I will still be careful. Looking back, there were a lot of red flags when I dated my ex, but I chose to ignore them. I won’t do that again.

Ah, this is hard. I’m really teetering. Part of me wants to stay safe and alone… forever, and the other part of me wants to venture out. I suppose this is the year for me to venture out and meet some people. I’ve got to work past that fear.

Thanks SS. I hope you had a good weekend.

AD, you’ve got mail.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I'm glad you were able to understand what I was trying to say. That was written quickly, with out the usual editing. Some things were lacking in detail and example. However if you got it, we'll let it stand.

Ah, this is hard. I’m really teetering. Part of me wants to stay safe and alone… forever, and the other part of me wants to venture out. I suppose this is the year for me to venture out and meet some people. I’ve got to work past that fear.

I believe every normal person has some fears. They are different, depending on our strengths and weaknesses. As you have probably heard before, bravery is not the absence of fear, but the overcoming of it. I believe you were able to overcome the fear of D, because you were living with the stimuli. The pain of staying was greater than the fear of leaving.

It may not be that way now. (Meeting someone new.) Perhaps you will have to overcome this one by sheer will power and a little prayer. Mind over emotion.

I wasn't there to watch your father, and mother interact. From what I gather, it was a good thing. If so, you have seen both the bad, and the good firsthand. Marriage can be a wonderful thing. It is a wonderful thing for my W and I, so I know from personal experience, not just from reading about it.
HNHN, and LB's (Harleys books) are very useful, and take care of the majority of the things we had troubles with. Of course, we wanted to do better before, but didn't have the all the tools.

I think you have a better background, and more tools now. That alone will make a big difference. I know you believe in God. Don't be shy about asking him for advice too. If you were to ask him if you really can venture out, and if it's a good thing, surely he will answer.

I am not afraid for you this time around. Hopeful - yes.

I know something could go wrong, but knowing what I do about you, and knowing the things you have learned, I believe you will be OK.

Hardships?
Yes.

Things to overcome?
Yes.

More to learn?
Yes.

Failure?
I really doubt it.

So, if you do want to work past that fear, how would you go about it? Where would you start?

SS

PS,
Yes, we had a good weekend. We live in the desert southwest, and we went to the mountains where it's cold, and snows. The twins played in the snow, went sledding, made a snow fort, and designs in the snow. I managed to play a with them a little bit, and also read three books plus quite a bit in the New Testament. My W and I were able to take a couple of good walks, even as cold as it was. Walking, and talking is good for a relationship, I think.

We made simple meals, with little cleanup. Had hot chocolate, and cinaman buns. Popcorn, and chips and salsa. (Not all at the same time.) We came home late Monday evening.

How about everyone else? How were your weekends?
SS