i'll try hard to keep this breif!!! for those who read my posts, you know it might be hard.
H has many activities planned for the next few days.
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- <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">going out tonight but after 9pm, he is home for dinner and most of evening with kids.</font></li>
- <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">golf outing in the morning, requires me to do the kid thing getting them both to school. not sure but he thinks he will be home for dinner or at least by early evening.</font></li>
- <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">sunday driving to detroit to attend the ryder cup, as we are in chicago, this means leaving at dawn (or sooner) and getting home quite late.</font></li>
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last night a neighbor calls, wants to know if H can golf on sat. i tell neighbor i will have H call him. the neighbor has a permanent tee time on sat and told H he would let him know if they ever needed a sub. H does not get many opportunities to go with this person.
H calls neighbor, says he would love to go but is not sure and he will call him back. H gets off phone and immediately says to me, i'm not going to golf with neighbor, i don't know why i didn't just say that to him already, but don't worry i'm not serious about going. i say ok.
30 min passes, i say to H, don't count out golf on sat yet, maybe we can negociate something here. (i know he would like to golf with this neighbor so i was internally thinking, what need could i get fulfilled in exchange.) H is very surprised, i tell him, how about if we go out sat night, i really enjoyed our dinner out for our anniversary (we had a very nice time). i say i can be ok with all these activities if you agree to giving me all your attention on sat night, dinner out, maybe a game of backgammon once home with music, NO TV!!
he says you don't know what you are saying, thinking i do not realize how much stuff is coming up. i say i know, you have this and this and this (listing it all) and that is OK with me if you agree to our sat night out date. we also looked at how it would impact kids, H will see them tonight and friday night too. he will be home early enough on sat such that maybe the 4 of us will play tennis before H and i go out for a late dinner. I will take the kids somewhere fun on sunday, depending on weather, i'm thinking we will go downtown, shed aquarium or navy pier. so kids should be happy too. H will miss son's soccer game but that is about the only down side and as he usually goes to all of them and as I will definitely be there, son will not be thrilled but should be ok with it.
we both agreed to plan.
However i was getting a strange vibe from H and I pushed him on speaking up. in our discussion, the past came up and i said something like, back when you had a sat tee time, this is why i struggled with it, besides the golf, you would have drinks afterwards and then come home and usually nap in front of tv. what was missing was me looking out for what i needed and asking for it (i probably could argue that I did ask for it but he didn't want to oblidge but i saw no reason to go there, if i did ask for it, i obviously did not do it effectively because it didn't work back then).
so he finally says, well i don't want to have to think that everytime i golf i'm going to have to crawl on my knees as i came home agreeing to whatever you want. i thanked him for voicing his thought and then assured him that I did NOT think he had to crawl home. the fact is, he has many things happening in a row, not just one round of golf on sat, and i thought about what would help me not to feel neglected and i am saying to you.. this is what would help. not because i think you OWES me but, yes, to kinda even out the playing field, and that does not seem so unfair.
He thought about it for a few seconds and then said, ok, i see what you are saying, sounds good.
we went on to play 3 games of backgammon, i lost all 3!!! oh well. the only disturbing ending was that after backgammon, which i was actually playing in just a bath towel with wet hair because i had just taken a shower, i straddled his lap, letting towel open and said, want to go upstairs and fool around now??? and he was kinda cold about that idea, so i backed off pretty quickly, internally told myself to let it go!! once upstairs we cuddled a bit and went to sleep. i felt confused but didnt want to talk about it right then and there.
i woke up at 3:30, mind started racing, could get back to sleep, at 4 i got out of bed and i ended up writing a note to H.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> IC tells me to not betry myself by ignoring/second guessing my feelings, which is something i do internally even if you don't see me doing it. which means i basically start arguing with myself which can leave me in a defensive state before i even start to talk with you.
so i'm just going to write how i am feeling and what i am thinking and i ask you to please respond with your thoughts and feelings.
last night, i take a shower, come down in my towel, i'm feeling good about how we are communicating. i feel good about being able to honestly and happily be ok with all the upcoming activities. i feel great about not feeling restentment. the key? i asked myself what I needed, i communicated it to you and we worked out a plan that we were both happy with. In reading I have done this process is called following a policy of joint agrement, POJA for short. we were POJAing. This states we negociate until both of us enthusiastically agree on a decision. I believe the more commited spouses are to this concept the easier it is to stay close. No resentment can build up if this process is done right. However it can become tricky. I know this. Last nights agreement was a win-win scenerio. No one had to really give up anything that they felt bad about.
so this is all good and i sincerely believed you felt good about how everything went to. Voicing your thought that you thought I was saying you have to crawl and grovel and make it up to me was good to do. The other big concept i have learned is called radical honesty. if you think it, if you feel it, TELL YOUR SPOUSE. This gives your spouse the opportunity to 100% know you. When done between 2 people who love each other and fully trust in each other and that love, radical honesty will only result in increased closeness. this is not to say it's ok to snap mean or hurtful comments. radical honesty with love and with the intention of communication.
These are things I am trying to live by and guide us to live by, POJA and RO.
(side note to MB readers: please don't mistake me here to say i have mastered RO yet, i know i have not, but i am trying!!! i think the key is getting myself to a point where i truely trust in our love enough to always risk RO)
Back to last night. After your overwhelming and decisve victories, I was just happy and i thought you were too. so in my towel with a smile on my face and in my heart i sit on your lap and ask you if you want to go upstairs and fool around. i'm NOT saying your reaction was bad or wrong but i do want to say it confuses me and it saddens me. I don't think it had anything to do with the affair, correct me if i am wrong. please explain to me. did you feel i was being too aggressive? is taht a turn off for you?? i'm trying to put myself in your shoes. maybe you are thinking i am over-thining, too sensitive, ... if so Please re-read this note and try to put yourself in my shoes. can we talk about this sometime?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he called me fairly early in the morning, said he read my note, although he admitted to reading it rather quickly. he mostly wanted to say, his reason for not wanting SF is because he has been thinking a lot about the A the last few days and that makes SF hard. he is working toward needing to have a converstation with me but is not quite there yet. told me to please not view this as rejection. i said ok, that helps to know, when ever you want to talk, let me know, thanks for sharing.
Congrats to anyone who read all this. i think overall i did good. any thoughts/opinions would be very much welcomed.
i also posted this to perhaps make for some interesting reading for others stuggling to learn new relationship behaviors that result in stronger marriages.
pep, if you are here, you once asked me to consider why
i needed H's flaws (i'm not sure if you said flaws, but something like that). i think you are right, i think i did need them before, cuz i could use them to keep from having a close relationship because my childhood left me pretty skiddish about really trusting another person is going to be watching out for my needs. i don't need H's flaws anymore, do i? and i feel like i have some tools here that will help me help him to grow and not need his flaws either.
i am very blessed.
