Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 744
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 744
Believer--

You are going though so much pain and turmoil right now, taht someone ilke me who hasn't been in your position can't begin to understand.

But I wanted to talk to you about God for a second.

I could talk with you about how you can't earn God's will. I could say how it's all in your head, God hasn't abandoned you. (And I think that's true.)

But mostly I wanted to explain to you what I've learned through my walk with God. Honestly, for one reason or another, I've spent my days arguing with God about his judgement. I've spent a lot of time trying to understand why God let's some bad things happen to me, and some good. I've struggled with concepts such as "name it and claim it" (as if God could be manipulated) and "do everything right, and God loves you, do it wrong and he hates you." (Praise God for Grace.

And although I am clearly young, my conclusion is this so far:

God's plans for us are inexplicable and mysterious. There are complexities in what we live that we will never fully understand, even though we spend our eternity in heaven asking him.

But, two things I see him doing in my life and that of others:

#1, He takes life like a stone chisel, and uses it to carve me. He allows me to pass through experiences in my life that shape me. And as I seek to follow him, I see that they shape towards who he wants me to be. Can you see that? Can you see his love being more perfected in you, as you walk through this?

#2, He uses my life as a chisel in the lives of others. He brings me alongside wonderful people like yourself who I can give His love to. (You know I must be here from my own pain, though it's not like yours.) You know you have been a great blessing to many people on this site, and you have shared his love, right? He gives me wisdom to help others who may later be in my position get through their pain. He gives me a chance to advise people how to avoid my position.


And if you keep your eyes on him, and keep them open, you will slowly see the little areas he is using you, and making a blessing.

Where is the Lord in all of this? Chiselling the world to His glory.

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,173
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,173
oops - hit send by mistake

what I wanted to say was that you have done everything right - and God will be faithful to you, and will certainly bringing you healing. But when your healing comes - it may be with your husband, or without him.

Just a thought here - I read in a book once that we should not just ask that the Lord "bring reconciliation to my M, if it is your will" because, after all, it is clearly Gods will that a marriage be reconciled. Instead - in your prayer time, ask for specific requests. Like - Lord please make my H miserable in his relationship with OW. or "Father - I pray that you would put a hedge of thorns between WH and OW that makes him feel miserable in her presence."

God is not asking you to be miserable forever - he wants to bring healing to you, and restore a sense of joy to your life. With or without your H. The sad thing is - your H has a great big pile of crap coming his way becuse of his stubborn refusal to honor Gods word.

this comment right here:
says what he is doing is wrong. But he keeps doing it.

That is very telling of what is going on. Your prayers are working. God has shown your H that he doing the wrong thing - that his life is wrong. But he refuses to change his ways.
A big can of whoop ass is coming his way. I pity him.

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
rr -

I probably should back off here on the forums. I am no good for helping others. I am very angry at the Lord. I know I shouldn't be, but that is the way it is.

I AM thankful for what I have, but any minute HE could take that too. And maybe He will. He could still take my kids, my house, my job, my life, my parents, my sister and my niece.

He has already taken the father of my children, my husband, my step children, my sister-in-laws, my brother-in-laws, my grandchildren. So I guess he could continue on.

Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 576
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 576
Believer –

I used to hate it when something bad happened and people would say, “It builds character.” However, my pastor has said to me that God is more concerned with our character than He is with our happiness. He even took it a step further and suggested that God will allow anything to happen to us that He has to in order to build our character. It seems really sucky, but perhaps it’s true. I’m not saying I know anything for sure, it’s just something to think about.

I do believe that God gave us all free will, though, in order not to have a race of unfeeling robots. Unfortunately, your H has used his free will to make very bad choices. Please don’t blame God for you H’s mistakes.

Someone mentioned Job earlier. At one point, Job is quoted as saying about God, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him” (Job 13:15). That kind of surrender is the only way to find peace, I think. I’m not saying it’s easy for us to do, though.

Also, have you told God how mad you are? You can talk to Him about anything. Some people think we can hurt God’s feelings, but I don’t believe it. I believe He’s big enough to take it. Maybe it would help if you really talked to God about how you’re feeling.

God bless,

Rose

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Yep, I have told God how angry I am. What does He care? He is busy all over the world with people having much worse problems.

Sorry I am having a pity party. But I no longer trust in the Lord. He has abandoned me. And I know that He could do much worse - taking everything away from me. But you know what? I don't care.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
quote:
Originally posted by believer:


I am very, very angry with the Lord. I am not a good person, but have done my best. I have tried all my life to be a blessing to others.

So all in all, don't know where He is, but for sure, He is not here.

Believer, don't blame God for your troubles. Never does He promise us that we won't have troubles in life. He only promises to give us the STRENGTH to get through them. He has done that for you.

You are holding him to unrealistic expectations and then condemning him for it. That is not right.

The person you should be mad at is the one who did this to you, your H. God allows us to choose evil, and will not force your H to do something against his will. God is not a cosmic puppeteer, believer. So please aim your blame at the right source, God didn't do this, your H did.

Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 944
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 944
Believer,
I was going to reply to this earlier, but then I refrained. I do have an opinion:

H set the tone for the household, and when a H allows temptations to ruin his sense of obligation to his W, then it's really up to the H to make right what he has wronged. GOD has given your H the tools to reclaim his household, FREE WILL remember. It's not you, even if you didn't meet all of his EN's every moment of the day, even if you LB'd on occasion, You H will be held accountable for his actions. He is acting contrary to his role as a H, this isn't GOD's fault, its the Devil's fault and your H's responsibility.

What can a W do when her H has betrayed her and chooses not to do what is right by her, which is honor and lead her? Exactly what you've done, be strong, maintain her dignity and her convictions as best she can. Your H will never find happiness unless he redeems himself in some way to you. GOD cannot make him redeem himself, FREE WILL.

I hold myself accountable for my betrayal of my W and now I have done all I can to make right what I've made so wrong. This is each mans responsibility. I am so sorry that you have been deserted, no honorable W deserves this. I don't see any reason in this suffering and I do not believe in fate. I believe in choice, and it's your H who has made these poor choices. I wish I had words of comfort for you, but this is a sad situation for all parties involved, but it's your H who must return to GOD's word and make amends.

FM

Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 862
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 862
(((((((Believer)))))))

Honey, this is something I have gone through myself. I don't have the answers to help you through it. What I can do is share with you something that happened to me while one day while questioning my faith.

I was driving along and thinking about how much time I have wasted on prayer...I'm Catholic and I had said so many rosaries and prayers, I had commited to numerous novena's and asked every patron saint I could think of to pray for me. Still, my husband had left to go see OW after not seeing me and the kids for six months. I thought, "How could He just ignore all the time I had spent asking for His intercession. How could he let this happen to me? I'm a good wife, a good person, a good Catholic. Why me?" Obviously, it wasn't my turn to be listened to. I had asked for him to see the error in his ways, for OW to see it, for a revelation to both of them, for strength for me to leave. NOTHING! My prayers were completely ignored.

And then, this song came on the radio. I had the volume turned down and never would have heard it, but I just had a feeling to turn it up right then. It's "Unanswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks. I typed in the refrain for you to read. For me, it was a turning point. I don't know why this is happening. I can't even begin to imagine.

I do know, from your posts, that you are a stronger person than you were. You yourself have told others who are struggling how much this last year and this experience has changed you, for the better.

God can't make your H the man that you deserve, Believer. But He can give you the strength to be who you deserve to be.

quote:
Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers

Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs

That just because he may not answer doesn't mean he don't care

Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

Some of God's greatest gifts are all too often unanswered...

Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers


Joined: May 2004
Posts: 1,056
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 1,056
Believer:

I want to say this the right way. You have posted 5796 times on MB's. I have read so many of your selfless posts that took many hours of your time to help other people. I see the same out of so many others who do the same.

Where is God during the catastrophies when they happen? They are picking up the pieces left behind, helping the families, putting them up in there homes, and putting food on their tables, etc.

I posted the Paradoxal Commandments the other day and here they are again. Don't give up your faith. You are living it and practicing it right now. Please keep up God's work helping the distressed spouses on this board. Thank you for being you.

The Paradoxical Commandments
by Dr. Kent M. Keith


People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

© Copyright Kent M. Keith 1968, renewed 2001

TooSoon

[ September 17, 2004, 07:11 PM: Message edited by: TooSoonToBeComfortable ]

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
yeah that darn God....

where'd all this get you...

it got you to look take the time to look back and really reflect...

to take a good look at yourself...and see some thing that you found the strength to make better....

you had the opportunity to do a lot of soul searching...and can find things behind you that if you had the chance...you probably wouldn't do again...and that is the root of Jesus's message...

but you also saw a lot of the good things that have come from you...
and you have learned to appreciate them...
and to celebrate them because of you...not because of someones giving and taking of love and acceptance on their whim....

and I bet you believer you have learned to never ever take another relationship for granted...not because you are guilty of doing so persay....(we all have our moments...) but because of this journey you have learned to never take those in our lives for granted...or each day that comes....

I hope you are learning that all of this is really his choice...your husbands....

and your ability to believe and to love someone who could/can hurt you so ...is not a negative reflection of you....for it is them that chooses it....
it is they that take your gift offered in God's love and light....
and twist it...
that does not lessen you
or even your gift...
pity he that can not see the value in that...

apostle John felt that he was the greatest sinner...as his own journey in life only brought him closer to God...

God has pulled you closer Believer....perhaps you can not see that right now...
but others can and do I bet...

just the hope you give here on these boards to new poster after poster...

can only be a reflection of you in living color...

God did none of this Believer...
he feels as sad for your husband
and knows how lost he is...


but you....you have labored hard...
and his Grace is in you....even when you feel empty....

and perhaps he has really in the end freed you from someone who is only deceptive and perhaps too lost right now to find their home...
to you or to Him....

you own none of your Husbands choices...
and neither does God...

I wish you rest...

ARK

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,717
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,717
I happen to be of the belief that everything in our lives occurs for a reason. It all plays out in the end just the way it was intended.

As a father (of no comparison of course) I do know this much. Sometimes a when a child asks for something the answer is simply "No".

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Ecclesiastes has long been my favorite book in the Bible...

It is better to go to the house of mourning than to the house of feasting,

For that is the end of every man,
and the living should take it to heart.

Sorrow is better than laughter,
because when the face is sad the heart grows wiser.

The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,
but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.


You have become wise.... and your heart grows weary....

relax and breathe.....

you have your soul right with the Lord.... your WH and OW are in the house of fools.... you are not....


Pep

Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 3,474
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 3,474
Believer,
During the affair, when my H was telling me he wasn't having an affair, he said, "My relationship with Sophia will teach you trust in God." I had a problem with trust in God, and we prayed for me to trust in God every night with the children, along with prayers for the children and for him and for our extended family, etc.

Well, he was right. My trust is in God now, not in my H. My H is a sinner. There was no humility in his forming a friendship with another woman which led to an affair. There was arrogance and then the presumption of forgiveness when it was exposed. My H has taken a different path now from yours, but my trust will always be in God.

Read the psalms -- and I just finished reading Night by Elie Wiesel.
Cherished

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 750
J
jph Offline
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 750
Believer...I know exactly how you feel. I too have prayed for along time for my husband to come around...but God didn't create us as robots. He created us with free will. I had the greatest sense of peace on a particular Tuesday not too long ago. I felt as if everything was going to work out fine. The next day I was served with divorce papers. Although I know God hates divorce, He hates seeing His children suffer as well. Our ways are not His ways. He sees the whole picture while we see only a small portion.
I know He will never abandon me. It's not within His character.

My pastor always says to not ask "why?" but "what?" Not "why is this happening to me?" but "What am I to learn?" What am I to see in this situation.

God always answers our prayers. It's either yes, no or not right now. I would rather be in His will than anything and when His will is not clear, I just know to hold on for dear life. We're here for just a wee bit of time and the sufferings of this life are not to compare with the glory to come. Those thoughts carry us through.

I think back to other what I considered bad times in my life and know that during those times I learned the most. The most about God and myself as well. There's a purpose in all of this.

On days when I get down and I can get really down, I remember to look around because if I do I can see God at work. Somedays the looking is more difficult than others. I just have to trust Him because He loves us with a love that is so great that we can't begin to fathom it. He loves us much more than we love our children-think about that.

Hold on Believer. You are such an inspiration to so many here-include me in that group. Nothing can separate us from the love of God. Nothing.

Joined: May 2004
Posts: 1,056
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 1,056
Cherished:

Your words were very wise in your last post. When my teenage son said to me, "If my own mother lies to me, who do you trust?" I said, "God, since people will always let you down.

This happened during my FWW's affair with the OM and she was lying to everyone to protect and keep her relationship with the OM.

FWW is remorseful today and we are working on the rebuilding of our family. All of us are bruised, hurt, and scarred...... but not dead.

TooSoon

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 2,076
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 2,076
Believer,

SO much great advice/inspiration has been posted on this thread! Don't ever think you don't help others. You've been so caring with all of us. It's your turn to be cared for. Not only that, but I can't imagine anyone reading this thread not coming away inspired...and who started it???

But enough about that..

I've had crises of faith. Oh boy, have I! But one thing I can say with honesty--the tougher my life is, generally the more I'm trusting in and leaning on God. So in my case, maybe that's what it takes for him to keep me close, and if it is, then I'll try to be accepting of that.

Sure, life seems really unfair right now for us. It is, for goodness sake! We're not supposed to have our H's who we chose to be with 'til death just up and walk out on us. It really stinks. It makes me cry, still, when I think about the past and all the memories with mine. I don't like what's happening at all. And I prayed for months for God to put hurdles between STBX and OW, to bind us together, to keep our family safe and let this pass.

And so far, it hasn't.

But I also believe that God does things for a reason. It may be to mold us (like the teacup) story, into something better here on earth. Or we may not see the full glory of what God has done with us until we get to Heaven.

But we have to remember, even though we're human and this life seems very important to us, this is only a very temporary existance. Heaven is forever, and in that forever is no tears, no sadness, and no pain.

And while God is very busy in Iraq (and very busy with all my little issues, too), he has time for everyone. He's God. That's his job.

Tell him you're angry. If you were angry with a parent, would you tell them? He is your creater, your father. Tell him what's on your heart.

You will have ups and downs. I have days when I'm really depressed and it seems like it's all ugly and painful and will never get better. Almost always, when I think I can't take anymore, God gives me something to inspire me. Sometimes it's nothing more than a very beautiful blue sky and a crisp breeze. But it's enough.

And yes, there are days when everything feels like it's wonderful and I'm so thankful, and then it all crashes down. I hate those days. But somehow they are necessary.

My pastor explained, God doesn't want bad things to happen to us. But because sin is in the world, they do happen. It's not God doing them. It's sin. But God is with us through it.

Yes, God could keep bad things from happening. He could have saved all those people who died over in that school in Russia. He could stop the violence in Iraq. He could save children from dying. He could restore all marriages. He can do anything. Why doesn't he? I don't know that answer. The Bible tells us (somewhere, can't remember the verses or exact wording) that the sun shines on the just and the unjust, and the rain falls on the just and the unjust. In other words, just because we're Christians does not exclude us from the pain of the world.

But our reward and our comfort will be in eternity if our trust is in him for our salvation.

You are a strong woman Believer. Don't let Satan convince you otherwise!!

LL

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 2,076
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 2,076
One more thing...a poem from a card I keep taped to my dresser, titled "The Weaver":


My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord an me.
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily.

Oftimes he weaveth sorrow.
And I in foolish pride
Forget he sees the upper
And I, the underside.

Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needed
In the Weaver's skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.


(author unknown)

LL

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,733
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,733
Get to know what HE wants not what we want. I know what HE wants out of me ... it is so clear after the trial and turbulation in my life. I am Dv'ed but I know HE will give me someone to build a fulfilling M together which I would never dream of exist. I am down and out but HE took me and calls me to be HIS soldier to touch lifes that HE brings to cross path with mine.

Thy will be done ... know what HIS plans and HE give us the strength and wisdom to get there.

-rh-

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,473
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,473
Believer,
I know it hurts. I realize this is an understatement.

Please tell us how you are doing.

You, who have helped so many others, please come and let us lift you up also.

SS

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Thanks everyone. I feel better already. What does the Bible say? Two are better than one, when one falls, the other can lift him up?

Page 2 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (2 invisible), 42 guests, and 51 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,672 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,525
Posts2,322,541
Members71,672
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5