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Hi all,

I'm having very powerful feelings of not wanting my H anymore. He's been out for about a month now...maintaining Plan B has been difficult wtih him just walking in when he wants, etc.

Now when I see him, I feel like all my love has eroded. I'm tired of fighting a losing battle...I want to love and be loved...I feel like I deserve so much more....

Has anyone else felt this way before? I just want to move on...I've fought the good fight and lost....I don't care about whether he wants me or her....I just want to be done....

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Lots of us feel just like you do. I have been going through this for 20 months. Now I don't want him back, don't respect him, don't want to hurt him, don't think about him.

My life is much better without him. That is what you need to consider. Have you done the best you can do, for as long as you can?

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Just curious how long did you Plan A for? Do you feel like it was too long?

As for the Plan B how can he just walk in when he wants? Did you do any lock changing? Sorry I have more questions than answers.

My WW has been out for a month and a half but I am still in Plan A. She took it upon herself to move out right after d-day. Sometimes I can just feel the units slipping away. But I am not done!!! I think that the feeling of wanting to be loved back is normal. I was just thinking tonight about that one. And yes we definitely deserve more!!! But as I have heard another MBer say once "this is a hero's gig."

I have not yet conceded to feeling like I just wanted to be done though. It sounds like your bank is dangerously low. I hope you can find a way to implement a more effective plan B that will better protect your love. But if you can't and you are truely done then I wish you well on your personal recovery.

C.

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Believer, I do feel I have done the best I can do....even my priest says I have. I have forgiven him over and over and tried to meet his every need...I plan A'd way too long according to the old timers....I know they're right. I allowed him to sit on his fence and have it all...now he expects to do the same in separation. But I'm done giving...its all about me and my son now...and we're doing fine without him.

Shmaley, yes, I plan A'd too long. I haven't changed the locks yet...my family worries that that will make him really angry. My BIL is just going to install some sliding locks on the doors, so at least when I'm home he can't just waltz in. He hasn't respected any of my requests in my Plan B letter....when we see eachother it is in front of other people(at my son's games) and it is too awkward for me to just ignore him. I can't get upset at him for walking in the house when my S is right there. I've asked him to respect my wishes, but he doesn't. The other day, I came home to find he had opened a package from Victoria's Secret (it was a bathing suit that was on backorder). He said he did it because he thought I had ordered some lingerie for someone else! Whatever!

I have lost all respect for him...my love has dwindled to next to nothing...he doesn't understand anything...he continues to blame me for everything...I just want it all to be over. I'm so happy with ME, and taking good care of ME, and improving ME for ME!!! I have so much to offer someone....I used to want it to be him... but now I don't. He needs to fix himself... and unfortunately, I'm not willing to wait...he's fence sat for so long...I know he'll continue to do so during this separation.

I can't trust him either....he's lied so much...to much...the trust is gone completely...I feel like I don't even know who he is anymore...

For over a year I've been pouring out my heart and my love to him and gotten nothing back (except SF)....that's not enough. I see couples together and I long to love someone completely and have them love me too....I'm done....

My s and I went on a trip for a few days and I realized I don't need him. I'm okay without him now...and so is my son. I'm a better mother to my son without him and all the stress he brings to me....I'm done....

I'm going to find a lawyer this week...

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wontgiveupyet:
<strong>
Shmaley, yes, I plan A'd too long. I haven't changed the locks yet...my family worries that that will make him really angry. He hasn't respected any of my requests in my Plan B letter....when we see eachother it is in front of other people(at my son's games) and it is too awkward for me to just ignore him. . </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nid, but it isn't up to your family, its up to you. You are the adult here. Yes, he will be angry, but so what? Why would this be an issue? Did you think he was going to be happy about it? He doesn't respect your requests because he knows he doesn't have to.

Your son plays baseball year round? If you attend the games, why can't you sit in the stands without talking to him?

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wontgiveupyet:
<strong> I can't get upset at him for walking in the house when my S is right there. I've asked him to respect my wishes, but he doesn't.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why can't your son see his mother insisting that his father respect her boundaries? Is it better for this boy to see his mother trampled on? How could that be?

Nid, you have so many excuses to avoid going into Plan B that it mystifies me. Why wouldn't you do everything to save your marriage? Don't you owe that to your son?

Instead, you are letting it crash on the rocks. It is crashing because of your inaction and you sit by and watch it say "but I have done everything" instead of lifting a finger to steer the boat. You are doing everything you can to avoid steering that boat. WHY?

You are talking the language of someone who has allowed this go on so long that she is falling out of love. Why would you allow that to happen when there are alternatives? Alternatives that might result in the restoration of your family?

I am baffled that you say that you have done everything to save your marriage, but you simply refuse to even do Plan B. Your actions simply don't match your words. Is it just too hard to take charge of your life?

Is it easier to live in a reactionary victim mode at the mercy of your fogged out H? Is it so comfortable that you would sit by and watch the ship crash without lifting a finger to stop it?

<small>[ September 20, 2004, 07:42 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

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HI ...wontgiveupyet

Yes, i too am starting to feel like this. WH has been gone 8 weeks this Friday.

I do not like the man he has become, and i dont see any signs of the husband i knew in him.

He is like a completely different person now.

Right now I feel like i am greiving for my 20 year marriage, but not for the man he is now.

He has done this, and what goes around comes around.

Just to let you know, I feel what your feeling.

Hugs to you
A/C0810

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Hey...its not easy going into plan B kay...it will take a lot of getting used to it. You need to set boundaries...i had a problem with this too...trying to be nice but at the same time not...

To set up boundaries...you must think this way...take WH like your worst enemy...when you meet him...just smile...say hi and walk awayyyyy..this is not going to be easy because it is going against everything u are brought to be...and furthermore your mind and heart will fight you saying that isnt he still your husband...BUT...you must fight that instinct and act really really ice cool...not nasty just ice cool.

Have you known anyone that you dont particularly like?...treat WH like that...if you dont like that someone...you wont call her/him right?...

Yes...nothing wrong with that feeling of kicking WH butt out the door forever...this feelings will get stronger as you stay longer in plan B. Eventually you will get it. It will take sometime. I realise there is no easy way out for us BS to heal.

You are at that stage of anger and almost hating WH...eventually that will fade and be replace with something of a numb feeling...the love for WH will never go away but one thing very very very very sure...you will feel strong enough to leave WH and NO MORE of that panic losing drowning feelings...

Although you say what you say about "dont want WH" now...but i doubt you are really really really ready to let him go yet. It will take time and you will get there eventually.

Even now with me in plan D and with all my gungho i can live crap...there is still a tiny part of me that wants WH back but it aint that strong no more. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Do the boundaries...this way you wont get hurt. The boundaries will keep you from falling into that dark dark pit where you will feel sorry...sad...depress...makes you cry...makes you just want to stay in the fox hole...etc etc

Hope the best for you.

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After DD there was no honeymoon. I was being treated horribly. I was enthusiastically being a one woman marriage healing machine. Finally how he was treating me, his indifference, just everything wore me down. I gave up. I started seeking ways to please myself. Almost going into my own affair. I came clean and that is what made him realize he wanted to be with me.

Not wanting to be with me when I was trying, then when I do the complete opposite he wants to be there???? doesn't make sence, anyway

For awhile I was cautiously happy. He ended up really making a turn. It's been 10 months now. But my feelings of lost hope and anger, and pain since he crushed all my efforts into the dirt stayed.

My point I'm trying to make is that this feeling of not wanting to deal with him, feeling as though your better off without him, it's like a disease, I can't shake it off. So I have been there. I wish I could you some good advice. I think time separated helps you decide what you really want though. That is what I read anyway in Torn Asunder.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've fought the good fight and lost.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're kidding me, right? You never put up a fight. You let H do what he wanted without ever having to deal with any consequences. You told him how you felt, stated your boundaries and then proceeded to do nothing when he continued as he pleased. You did not have any effective, relationship changing reactions. You had ineffective tears and talks and pleadings and statements about boundaries that meant and still mean nothing, nada, zip.

It is impossible to heal a marriage without facing some conflict.

You can't be worried about being the nice guy. You can't be worried about whether WS will get mad or not. You have to do what you have to do and let the chips fall where they may.

Your son is young. He won't be fine (whatever that means?)if you divorce his dad. You are fooling yourself if you think otherwise.

What guarantee do you have that the next man won't be the same or worse? We've seen the most unsuspecting of spouses have A's on this board. No one is immune. You have a better chance of long term happiness if you'll quit being a conflict avoider and get on with the difficult task of doing EVERYTHING possible to save your marriage. You'd be surprised what kind of a diamond lies in the rough my dear.

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WGUY, I have read your thread and was wondering if you had the locks changed. I understand your fears and I also understand the loss of love--which may be a result of the length of plan A and a not yet dark plan B. I have feelings of hate for WH and I was completely dark. I don't think I could be human without reacting to the hurt. I'm working it through it though.

Rather than look for a lawyer this week, why not put your energy into having the locks changed. WH may be angry either way, but changing the locks is a smaller risk with a greater possible outcome. We know what happens with divorce. Changing the locks, however, will enforce a boundary and get your message across about Plan B. The upside there is still a chance of recovery with Plan B so it justifies a big effort here.

Spider Slayer once wrote to me to that I was our M's only hope. When I thought about what she said, I become more protective of my love for WH...and our M. If I did not protect and save me, then there was less hope all the way around. Maybe this thinking will help you. Good luck and stay strong. Change those locks.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Nid, but it isn't up to your family, its up to you. You are the adult here. Yes, he will be angry, but so what? Why would this be an issue? Did you think he was going to be happy about it? He doesn't respect your requests because he knows he doesn't have to.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They (and I) are worried about him causing a scene in front of my s or becoming violent towards me...which he has come pretty close to doing on several occasions...he has scared me. You're right, he doesn't respect my wishes or me for that matter...which is why I am going to file for D, so I can have some LEGAL boundaries put into place.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your son plays baseball year round? If you attend the games, why can't you sit in the stands without talking to him?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Melody, yes he does, and I do sit in the stands without talking to him seeing as he is a coach. But it is after the game that he deliberately comes up to me with others around. Our group of parents is extremely social and we always do things together after the game. IT IS DIFFICULT to ignore him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why can't your son see his mother insisting that his father respect her boundaries? Is it better for this boy to see his mother trampled on? How could that be?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not convinced that my S would see me allowing his father into our house as me being trampled on. He is his father...you tell me how to explain it to him. I've tried to explain Plan B to my S and he doesn't really like it or understand it. I just think it would be much better if his dad and I could just get along amicably and go on our separate ways.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Nid, you have so many excuses to avoid going into Plan B that it mystifies me. Why wouldn't you do everything to save your marriage? Don't you owe that to your son?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have tried over and over again...don't you think that just maybe some people don't fit the mold? So many people have told me how immature and insecure and how much my H needs to do to improve himself and it isn't happening. He doesn't KNOW HOW TO FORGIVE NOR LET GO of past hurts. I'm tired of paying the price for my past mistakes....it WILL NEVER CHANGE....he doesn't even WANT TO TRY ANYTHING....The only reason I have put up with his crap and swallowed my pride and endured his EMOTIONAL BEATINGS is because of my son. So please don't you dare tell me what my S deserves. My son deserves a mom who is strong and happy....and I am THAT WITHOUT HIM!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You're kidding me, right? You never put up a fight.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mthrr, all I will say to that is....that hurts. You may not think so, but I KNOW SO...maybe not the same fight you did, but I did fight...maybe not as perfectly as you or Melody did, but I did the best I could considering my mental state throughout all this. Now I'm strong and not willing to be a doormat anymore.

Thank you to those of you who replied with some understanding of how I am feeling. At least I know I am not alone in that. Sorry to let you old timers down. As I said on a previous post, I don't come here to take a beating...I've had enough of that to last a lifetime. I appreciate advice, but can do without the put downs...I won't let myself feel like a failure any more.

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It's unfortunate that the truth is painful. Tell me nid, how your H has had any consequences to pay for his poor marital choices?

No consequences = no motivation to change.

YOU have the key. You are your only chance to change everything. What are you so afraid of? Why won't you forget what everyone around you is telling you and stick with what has been proven to work?

Anyone can do the Harley's Plan but you have to be willing to do both parts for it to be successful. You don't get to do part of it and then cry that your marriage couldn't be saved.

Honestly, I wish you all the best!

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Nid, I just give up. I have never seen anyone who was so unwilling to do anything to save their marriage. It is very frustrating to me and others to sit back and watch this unneccessary train wreck only because you refuse to do anything to save your marriage.

I am sorry if it hurts your feelings to have that pointed out, but that is the truth.

But, it is your life to do with as you see fit, as you said. And since you are not here to learn and apply Marriage Builder principles, I won't post on your thread anymore. There is no reason to get into a debate with someone who just doesn't want to be helped.

Take care, Nid, I really do wish you the best.

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won'tgiveupyet -

Whether we do Plan A or Plan B, it is not so much our actions as our spouse's choices. I did not do a Plan A, because I didn't find MB until 4 months after D-day.

When I did try Plan A, I was already too hurt by WH's lies and lack of support, care or anything. Then I went to Plan B, not a great one. I broke it several times.

So I made a lot of mistakes. I will take the blame for that. Through all of this time though, I have let my WH know that I wanted the marriage back. He chose to continue the affair.

After 20 months, I lost my love for him. Don't want to talk to him, see him, think about him.

So I guess you could say that I failed. However I am comforted by the fact that I have posted here for over a year, gone for counseling, talked many times with my pastor, read recovery books, continued to meet financial responsibilities, made many changes in myself, tried to arrange for mediation, did nothing to hurt him, kept my vows to remain faithful.

Meanwhile WH has continued to live with OW, while denying it.

I am sure there is more that I could have done, but I just don't want to do it anymore.

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Thanks, Believer. I just don't think everyone necessarily fits the mold for MB.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So I made a lot of mistakes. I will take the blame for that. Through all of this time though, I have let my WH know that I wanted the marriage back. He chose to continue the affair.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Same here, mine does too. My H doesn't want it at all...I can't do it on my own..

You didn't fail, Believer, he did. He made the choices...its time to stop blaming everything on the fog. I've been there before and snapped out of the fog pretty quickly once I realized the hurt I had caused. My H knowingly continued to hurt me...that's hard to get over....and he still admits to being in love with OW...I'm done.

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Well that makes two of us. I hope that you will be able to find the peace that I have found.

I don't hate my husband or other woman. I hope they make each other happy.

But for me, the betrayal was just too much and too long. I could never get over it. Had he come back, or done anything to save the marriage, it would have been different.

My feelings now are that I have lost the desire to repair anything.

I was so miserable at first. But when I look at the big picture, he is nothing to me.

Today a man got beheaded in Iraq, while his wife begged for his safety. We know the stories of the 911 victims, that called their spouses to say "I will love you forever". We see Scott Peterson on the news. He had it all. A beautiful wife, a son on the way, a nice house with a pool, a wonderful family. But he threw it all away.

I just don't want to have this sordid stuff in my life anymore.

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Your H is a hard one to understand, Nid.

He's still so into accusing you of having some OM, not trusting your fidelity and yet he is the one that has been in love with an OW for what, a year or so now but will not take responsibility for that having any thing to do with what is going on in your marriage now. He is one sick puppy.

It wasn't until my H thought that I really was moving on with my life that he realized what he was losing. He also had to have the OW completely before he could give her up. Sometimes it seems like it wouldn't take your H that much more to get there but you haven't given him the extra push.

That Love Must Be Tough attitude....

I understand your feeling done, I just wish you could act like you are but not really need to do it yet. I even had a lawyer tell me I didn't have to actually file. You can still just let his A run it's course for a while. Is there really a rush to move on completely with a D?

I don't know, maybe actually filing will be what wakes your H up; the reality of that. I hope so. If it does, I hope you will consider dropping it if there is some glimmer of hope that your H shows you. He has still been so disrespectful of you. His behavior seems so foggy still.

May God give you the loving guidance you need to do HIS will. Proceed prayfully, as I believe you have.

God bless you and keep you, your son, and your H.
Keep praying for your H even as you have lost the desire to work on this.

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Thanks Trix...you're about the only one who has seen that my H's problems lie deeper than being in a fog...he has some real issues to contend with. I did think that my filing may have an impact on him. Already, just my attitude of moving on and not wanting contact with him, seems to make him squirm in his pants. Also, filing will enable me to put some things into action legally, like changing the locks, and ensuring financial support for my son. I believe there is a 90 day (or longer) time period that you must wait before the divorce papers can be signed....so that would give him a good 3 months of reality without us. The thought of ever trusting him again though is very frightening to me.

Right now he seems like a wounded puppy. He called and I asked my S to answer...he told my s to give the phone to me....see what I mean?...he puts me in a position to have to talk to him. He said, "What, you didn't want to talk to me?" I'm just dumbfounded sometimes. Oh, its so tiresome....

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If he calls and said he wants to talk to you...why dont you just say i am busy at the moment and will you call me back later...whatever you do...do not get into a conversation with WH.

Ignore...ignore...ignore...and i dont care...that is the attitude you must take.

Whenever he calls...cut him short and give him every excuse you can that you are a very very busy woman from today onwards.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


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