Last night I was going through some records and came across a personal file that had some old Valentines and Anniversary cards from my H since the end of the first A with OW. "I love you very much - we have a great live together"
"Thanks for sticking with me and not giving up on our marriage" etc etc. I KNOW my H felt those things when he wrote them.

H is completely in the fog about OW. She is the driving force in his life right now. I believe that this is 100% about his infatuation with her, his hope that if he runs off with her, his life will be complete (never mind leaving the wife of 14 years, the 2 kids he adores, the social aftermath when the world knows what he did and why.) His actions and plans are totally unrealistic and the reaction of those who know is - "what, is he crazy?" I cannot say we were 100% happily married without any issues before OW came back into the picture, but I thought all was safe and secure, our love life was good, spending quality time together, getting along great, enjoying our life, marriage and kids. I think the initial excuses, wanting to be non-monagamous, wanting to play the field, were just excuses that he thought were less offensive than admitting he wanted to run off with OW. And the age thing, another excuse, the only one I can't argue about, or try to change. But the reality is, age doesn't matter, and I truly believe that no one else is going to make him happier, regardless of how much better matched the ages are.

Anyway, 3 weeks of business travel, and the kids and I will meet him the first weekend in NYC. I will have approximately 48 hours to implement plan A in person. When he comes home, the plan is to tell the kids within a week, he moves out a week later. So I will have another 48-72 hours to Plan A when he returns. Of course, after being away from OW, they will be hot to trot to see each other, which puts a serious snag in my sincere efforts at Plan A. So I will be Plan A'ing remotely, I guess, for the next 3 weeks, with hopes that the physical distance between him and OW, although they will be emailing each other and talking on the phone, will help some in my favor. Getting away to neutral ground may help some too (although, for all I know, she is meeting him the following weekend herself!)

And yes, as push is coming to shove, I am considering more extreme (or is it desperate) measures. I have been meeting with both my father in law, mother in law, and sister in law to brainstorm. Planning to lunch with a woman (an ally) who has connections to the OW's and her H's immediate social circle. Told a good friend whose H works with OW. And how is this for the plan to tell her H:

He was out of town last week and OW and my H admittedly spent a great deal of time at her place during his absence. I don't know how they worked getting H into the house, but it was both during the day and during the night on at least 2 separate occasions. What if a neighboor just happened to notice something, heard something, and sent a note as a concerned neighboor to tip off the H? My sister in law has actually volunteered to call the OW's H herself, we will see if it comes to that. H is still not admitting to ANYONE but me that OW is in the picture, much less the #1 reason he wants to leave, and that he wants her to move in with him. He also maintains that he does not want to be married to me regardless of how it ends up with OW, but that may be a defensive excuse to keep me on the road to accepting that he is leaving. Maybe just wishful thinking tho.

In anycase, I am starting to believe that he will never see his real feelings about leaving me and the kids with her out there telling him that she is thinking about leaving her H for him. He is totally focused on that goal, maybe he HAS to stay focused on that goal to avoid realizing what this will do to me and the kids, and yes, him too, emotionally. As the reality of leaving his family comes closer, he gets thicker and more focused on being with her.

Am I foolish to think that maybe if the A ended and she was no longer an option, that he might change his mind about leaving us? If her H finds out and/or she tells him, there are several scenarios:

a)her H kicks her out, they divorce, she and my H are immediately thrown together to begin their new relationship. This assumes my H is leaving, which is definitely his plan at this point.

b)her H insists that she end the A if she wants to stay married, and they do stay married, leaving my H to either live alone, or try to reconcile if that turns out to be what he wants, post A

c)she tells him "yes its true - I love (my H) and am leaving to be with him. She moves in with a friend and waits for the time is right to join my H once he gets settled.

d) (this could happen with any of the above) H is furious with me for telling her H, and this basically makes things extremely nasty between us, is the last straw in pushing him out the door and on the road to divorce. The plan for civil, fair and respectful divorce proceedings goes down the tubes because of this breech on my part, and we have a big ugly battle which makes things even worse for the kids.

Of course, there is also the possibility that she will decide NOT to leave her H, he never finds out, she either ends the A, or they go on seeing each other secretly.

And of course, H could change his mind regardless of what she does, but this appears doubtful.

Planning to send him a note about how much I still love him, why I think I am the person who can make him happiest, how I am not giving up on him and the marriage. As I said, I will Plan A remotely with affectionate and upbeat phone calls and emails, will make the weekend in NYC the best ever, and when he comes back, will make sure he sees what he will be missing. I am assuming things could go down hill with the mediation, but I think we need to start that based on his plan to move out. I am also hoping that by going by the courthouse, getting a copy of the required Parenting Plan to review, and a copy of our states divorce laws, this may also shake some reality into him, and maybe make him decide this is not worth it based on only his fantasy that things would be better with OW. He has already admitted to me that he knows what to expect financically from the divorce, and is reluctantly prepared to pay the "divorce pricetag"

The one thing I DON'T want to do, is tell the kids prematurely, if there is any hope for him to stay. Protecting them is my #1 priorty.

Am I being naive, or in denial, by thinking that I don't believe that he absolutely does not want to be married, regardless of OW? He certainly has not been able to come up with any valid reasons, besides wanting someone younger. (i.e, my older age, as an excuse). Last week I really thought it was better to just let him go, but I don't think I can do that, with what is at stake.
If it IS true love and they are each other's destiny, as he claims, so be it. But I can't go down without doing all I can to save the marriage.