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#1189795 09/28/04 09:25 AM
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Hi Believer... I haven't posted here for quite awhile but just read through this thread felt the need to respond... for starters wanted to say...when I first joined this forum..you were my mentor... you showed us your strength and that with time one can get back on their feet.. for that I want to thank you so much..in that time I have taken two Divorce Care courses, gone to councelling and taken a boundaries Course...your story and mine are so similiar hon...long term marriages... a WS who wants to fence sit and sees nothing wrong with it... many friends swear he has a brain tumor <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ... this man had it all including the Harleys <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> a beautiful family that looked up to him and he still continued on his self destuctive path.. during that time I tried to reconcile at least four times with WS still continuing on his self destructive path...I tried to help him...son tried to help him...but the bottom line is this...unless they want to help themselves there is nothing anyone can say or do for these lost souls...fast forward to the last two weeks... I have lived alone since Oct/2003... got back on my feet...looked after the maintenance and repairs on a very large home by myself...very lonely at the best of times but I did it...during that time while friends of mine in the same situation were dating... I refused to even though there have been many opportunities... have been told I am a very attractive woman much like you hon...I did this because I wanted to be able to look in my sons eyes and see respect in return...then without even looking a man came into my life... I like you have tried to get a legal separtion with WS pulling every trick in the book with stall tactics..this has been going on and I suspect WS would continue this way for years if I allowed it to continue... this new man treats me like a queen to say the least..really opened my eyes to the way a woman should be treated in a healthy relationship...all the important things respect, trust, kindness consideration...all the things I have not had before...before I even went on a date with this man I talked to my son..you see he is the most important thing in my life and I wanted his understanding... my son has been with me every step of the way... he saw me on the floor Believer, he watched as the weight fell off me..he saw every time I got kicked in the gut by WS like a dog by his lies, deceit every time I tried to take him back and he saw my hurt and lonliness every time my son looked in my eyes...my son gave me the fatherly talk...be careful, and his bottom line was if this new person hurts you he will have to answer to me..who could ask for a better son...he understood and just wants me to try to find some happiness after a year of hell...after a year alone you find that you know you can make it with or without someone in your life...and like your situation WS sees the new strength and confidence in me...he has also heard I am seeing someone else and he is livid...funny how this happens...they expect you to put your life on hold until they decide when they want to come back but you see WS has had mutiple A's and for me I could never trust him again...the last time I took him back we lasted only two weeks until he was back in contact with OW...the hell I put myself, my son and his family , my elderly mother through during this time was unbearable... my mother made me promise not to ever do that again as she wathcd me night after night lay on the couch so upset watching TV...not even seeing or hearing it...it is tough for a parent to watch her child go through something like this..presently after waiting for a month to receive a proposal for the asset splitting..I think I am almost there...WS contacted me last week to finally come to remove the last of his things...you see the boundaries course for me is what gives me strength...I have forced no contact...my WS hates this but to keep my sanity I do this...he came to the house a few days ago for the first time in a long time...I had all his things packed in the foyer...he entered and cried like a baby during the whole process.. I even helped him load his things on the truck...I had years of family albums piled on the coffee table... 30 years...pictures of happier times...you see Ws has told every one he has not been happy for 30 years... go figure...took him thirty years to figure this out...he goes down to the livingroom where I have still a couple of pictures of he and I ...he ask why do you still have them...I shrug...he starts sobbing...I ask why he is doing this...he states I still love you...I look him in the eye and say ..who are you with...you see the day before I was parked at a long strip mall...at the very far end...as I was about to enter the shop I see out of the corner of my eye WS car parked at the other end...this car used to be mine to drive...now he and OW are driving it...the first time I saw OW in my car it just about killed me...now I am just resigned to everything...I decide to get in and out of shop and get out of there quickly ... WS has two options to exit...one close to where I am parked and one close to where he is parked...As I return to my vehicle I see he is pulling out and heading towards me...I get in my vehicle and start it...he pulls in front with OW with him...slows down and waves like we are best friends..I just stare at him as if he is nuts...he slowly drives away... you see he still cares and by the look on the face of the OW she is livid that he has done this...when he told me he loved me at the house I stated you had a year like I to get rid of any garbage in your life...live alone like I did and get your life back on track...you did not do any of this...I told him he deserved better than what he was with and he stated he knew and he wanted me...I stated that was not going to happen with the way you are now...I told him if he had made a conscious effort for the past year to change I would have taken a second look but he had not...I am too smart now to know that there is no chance of reconciliation until he changes drastically...and quite honestly feel that will never happen..so Believer and so sorry this is so long..the moral of the story is this...look out for you...get off the rollercoaster...you and I both know we have done everything humanly possible to repair our marriages but there comes a point and time where you have to get on with your life and girl I am doing it and hope that you do the same...listen to the advise of these wonderful folks here...does it hurt to put closure to a thirty year marriage..you bet but closure is necessary to go on with life...my thoughts and prayers are with you...

<small>[ September 28, 2004, 10:37 AM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

#1189796 09/28/04 10:13 AM
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New Outlook -

I am really over WH. But I sure would like to get things settled. It is so silly for a grown man to be hiding from his wife. It is even creepy to me.

It will be harder to do it without his cooperation, but that is the choice he made.

I'm so glad things are going well for you. You deserve some happiness.

#1189797 09/28/04 10:35 AM
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Hi believer,

So he has kept his head buried, and I assume you're going to do some legal stuff this week, since yesterday was some kind of deadline. Is that right?

GC

#1189798 09/28/04 10:40 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> New Outlook -

I am really over WH. But I sure would like to get things settled. It is so silly for a grown man to be hiding from his wife. It is even creepy to me.

It will be harder to do it without his cooperation, but that is the choice he made.

I'm so glad things are going well for you. You deserve some happiness.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Believer..in our situation our WS's hide because they cannot face the guilt of what they have destroyed...instead of looking inward and dealing with their demons they continue on living their double lives...in my case I feel WS is about to hit rock bottom obviously he is not happy and never will be until he looks inward.. my hope is when that happens he gets his life back on track ( I too have spent considerable amount of money on lawyers trying to get closure..not fair when you never asked for this in the first place but guess nothing is fair in life <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> )...and just one more word of advice...if you happen to get one of those HD's ... take the M/C safety course...get on that iron horse and have a blast...nothing more stress free than a ride on a winding road...I do this all the time..helps clear the cobwebs <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and yes if I have to say so myself we all deserve happiness in our lives <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ September 28, 2004, 11:51 AM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

#1189799 09/28/04 10:42 AM
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Yep gray. Yesterday was the deadline. I know you are not supposed to give ultimatums, but I'm done with this dragging out.

So now I have to go through all kinds of stuff to publish in the paper, wait 6 weeks, and on and on.

But I am happy, because I do see an end of this now.

#1189800 09/30/04 09:14 AM
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{{{{{{Believer}}}}}}}

I miss you so much, so many times I wanted to call you. But I didn't know what to say.

Even though I didn't post for a while, I read here everyday. It is so sad to see so many new names.

I am still fighting with myself of going to Plan B. WH is still "living" home. I meant that he was here at midnight or very early morning. B/c he has to sent S to school. I don't know whether that is Plan B, I don't see him, I don't call him either. But I felt so lonely, I miss him. I want to kick myself for keeping thinking of him. I just can't get out of this trap. How I want to be out. Now WH is involed in the boy scout. Our foyer is full of popcorns, but he is now where to be found. How long will they be here?

I heard a commercial saying" you are not living, you are just existing". I wonder that is what I am.

#1189801 09/30/04 12:18 PM
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LostnHurt - Oh no! I've been wanting to call you, but I thought you and WH were in recovery and doing fine. I'm so sorry to here he is still in the fog. Keep posting here. We miss you.

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