Sag,
You asked for input from males BSs so here’s a little something that I’m willing to share. I don’t do this often (talk about my past) so please forgive me if it tends to be a little long.

MY former (very much former) WW was the most unlikely candidate for an affair of any woman that I’ve ever known. She is one of those NYC women who have an extraordinary persona. Every man thinks that his W is beautiful; mine did some face modeling for Cosmo in her younger days. She is 5’ 8” and to this day is a size 6! She doesn’t have a models body, however, just a models face. She is much too voluptuous to be a model and always has been. Even now in her 40s and after two children, she still has that great muscle tone and all the right parts (in abundance) and in the right place! But in NYC, is filled with beautiful woman. They are just not all that unuale. As a broadcasting executive, I spent 90% my time around beautiful woman so please believe me when I say that this why my W is special.

She is brilliant! I mean a genius IQ! She is a great writer, not a good one! A great writer! Her specialty is technical PR and she makes very big money; even by NYC standards. She is conscious of her beauty and is very calculating as to how she stages herself. She dresses for example in Armani suits, with silk shirts that cover her to her neck. At the same time however, the jackets are just tight enough and the skirts are way to short! (Just my opinion! LOL)! Add to this that she’s totally left brained! I mean this woman has the mind of an actuary. Everything has to add up and everything has to make sense and everything has to be done with some goal in mind. She enjoys winning! And I mean big time. Very competitive. And so what she is, is confusing. LOL So I ask myself, why would this woman participate in adultery? What did she have to gain? What was winning in this situation all about? It doesn’t add up and never did. And I didn’t have a clue! Color me so dumb and stupid about the whole thing that it’s like I was the one in the fog…not her!

So how did I find out? The W of my very EX best friend found out and clued me in. God, woman are just so much smarter about this stuff! And so I ran away. I left the house and wouldn’t come home. LOL My WW of course ran away first. When Ellen (OM’s W) called and told her she was about to call and tell me, my WW got on a plane and disappeared for two days. She wouldn’t face me. As for me, I couldn’t face her. So while she was gone, I packed up and moved out my apartment into the NYC athletic club! LOL is this a bad novel or what? LOL Two fools running around in the dark!

And no, I didn’t want to have sex with her for a very long time after wards. So if your H wants to with you, I think it’s a good thing. And no I didn’t want to go home and face her. And yes, I was ready to divorce her. But I didn’t! I waited and ended up speaking to DR. H (this is quite a long time ago by the way.) And did I hate plan A! Hated it, hated it hated it! Of course it wasn’t even all that difficult for me. After all, she had already decided that we would stay married, LOL and after that I never had a chance! How about you? What have you decided, because if you want this marriage, your H doesn’t have a chance. LOL you will get him to forgive you.
So you know what? Although folks around here say that you don’t need to be doing Plan A, I disagree.

Plan A not only helps break up affairs, it helps people to learn how to behave appropriately to each other. How to communicate, and show respect. It trains us to be selfless in our love and helps us show our marital partner the person that we want to be for them. Also, what you’re trying to achieve is very similar to breaking up an affair. I this case you H’s affair is with his desire to run away. Plan A will help. Study it, know it use it. That’s my advice.

And get your H back home as soon as you can. You guys can’t be working on anything together if you’re separated so help him to decide to work on the marriage and get him to come home. If you have to, negotiate the deal. Ask him for 6 months of effort! Just 6 months to save something that took a lifetime to build. Appeal to his common sense. This always works with men, LOL.

Now one more thing because this post is already absurdly long. Don’t confuse my tone in this post with me being a patsy! I’m anything but. And my W is still really careful around me. She does not do anything I don’t know about. Anything! And I know because I spy! You see, I learned my lesson. So when the Coffee man posted this quote by Harley, it really hit home with me:


~”One topic is loss of trust. How can a spouse ever trust an unfaithful partner again? My answer is that the spouse should shouldn't trust her. The fact is that we are all wired for infidelity, and under certain conditions, we'll all do it. The way to protect your marriage from something that has been common to man (and women) for thousands of years is to recognize the threat, and do something to prevent it from happening.”~

This is the best advice you will ever get. And yes you can save your marriage. Just stop doing stupid stuff!

Coach.

Sag, I've send you a response on the first page of this thread... I think you've missed it. It was the last post (on the bottom) of that page.

Suzet,
I can't thank you enough for the information. I am coming to terms with my childhood abuse, and realizing I could never be my true self, I could never really be happy until I can deal with the reality of what happened to me as a child. I have been carring around the guilt for too long. It is amazing our behavior patterns as adults are based on our childhood experiences, without us even realizing it. I will read the info you suggested and get back to you.

Coach,
I find your story very encouraging. My H is at home, we are taking one day at a time. I am grateful for his courage, he really is trying to make sense of this mess, and trying to come to understanding my A on his own terms.We are planning a trip together next weekend!!I can relate to your wife on certain levels. I consider myself a very competitive, smart, successful and lucky with good looks person. I work hard to keep in good shape, I dress to impress, I have always had the intentions of "impressing" my husband. His approval of me on all aspects has always been so important to me. All this proves that the quote "we are all wired for infidelity..." proves that those of us who think we have the best marriage, if we are in love it can't happen, we are much too smart, we have better judgement...can all mean nothing if we don't "protect your marriage, recognize the threat, and do something about it." I have undervalued myself for so long...and resented my husband thinking it was him making me feel this way. However, I can attribute those feelings of never feeling "good enough" from my childhood sexual abuse. I did not hink your post was too long, I need all the info I can get. Thank you!!

Sag

Just was wondering if anyone might have info on sex after the A is exposed. My BH and I have been having sex more frequently and it has definately been more intense. Although our recent lovemaking has been some of our the best sex, My H is confused and concerned that he has not been able to climax as quick as he used to, he is concerned that he is only able to last longer because of my A. He is wondering if he may not be as "turned on" because of issues with my A. I know that it is heart wrenching to imagine your spouse physically involved with another. I was wondering if there a other BH who have experienced something similar, and if these visualizations deminish with time? Or do they intensify with time, and it only becomes more difficult to reach deeper intimacey?

sag, until NC was established SF was mechanical for both of us. A while after NC my FWW seduced me in a way not seen in years and we had a very passionate week of lovemaking.

Others reported this too, of those who could still enjoy SF with their WS that is. I do not knwo for sure why this is: in my case it is not at all excitement regarding her A. When that hits my thoughts all SF stops immediately.
I can assume its because of many reasons:

* Gratefulness that the M is being worked on
* Feelings of renewed attraction after plan A improves BS and met ENs
* An attempt to 'pay back' BS for the infidelity
* Maybe the A awakened a need for better and more frequent SF in WS ?

All I know is that my FWW is very frisky, and I am happy that I am not so disgusted by her A that I cannot respond.

Regarding your H's slowness to climax, many men ( me included!) have an image involving a boring sports game to make us last a little longer ! He ( and you!) should be happy at his increased long lastingness. It allws you to enjoy each others bodies for longer. If teh sex you are having is passioate and enjoyable I doubt very much if thoughts of this are affecting his performance. Besides, enjoy teh SF you have - you have the rest of your lives to relearn enjoying each others bodies.

All blessings.

Sag
Sorry not to respond but things have been, well, bit tense and distant around here of late.
Our d day was Friday 13th may this year when I just had to tell Aussie, so you can understand if I cam remember THAT date easily!!!

When he first knew my H was hurt mostly, then the next day just so angry as well and wanted to end the M and told me to ‘p*ss off” etc, etc, etc.
I got to the point where I felt he was right I should go as I did this to him. He slowly changed to where he would work on the M, still angry, and I felt too ‘dirty’ to even try.

However believer and JL and a few others helped him and when I eventually posted here again they also helped me and continue to do so.
Now we have a good MC and we were going well, I was still unable to give all the nitty gritty details of the sex - yuck, yuck, yuck - until a few days ago, but slowly we are moving on a bit.

Then a few days ago I told Aussie ALL I could remember, and he’s been VERY quite, avoiding me, not looking at me, though I was warned this may be the reaction for a little while. Still hurts so much though.

He does not trust me at all. I go to the shop or pick up the kids or my Mum from work and I get this empty look from him. I guess that’s my fault & I’ll have to accept it. But he sticks for now so I have hope.

Now the sex issue. Well during the A it was INTENSE because I was feeling so much guilt I wanted to ‘make it up’ to him. That back fired like you wouldn’t believe when he found out about the A. He would not touch me with a barge pole and frankly I felt so ‘unclean’ within myself that it would have been pathetic anyway.

Slowly we have increased the sex between us to frequent intense episodes. Sometimes I have to admit it is almost over powering and stuns the h*ll out of me. Its like WOW!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I really do think it has helped to keep us together and working on the M.... So far.