I did it. I sat down with my W last night to talk. I was very nervous but knew I had to confront her with what I knew. See this post for details. I will sum up the conversation.

As we were sitting on the sofa I said I had to ask her something and I needed for W to be totally honest. She said OK. I asked her where she went Sun. night. She seemed a little startled and said her friends-why. I asked where else. She kept asking why, as if to say how & what do you know, and then said she drove around to smoke and think. I finally said for 30 miles. She said she didnt know how far.

I said I knew it was 30 miles driven on car. She said you're checking mileage. I said not normally but she was acting strange Sun. night, so I did. I asked if she went to OM she said no.

I said I only wanted her to give us a fair chance and that we could make each other happy and have a better relationship. But in order for that to hapen NC would have to occur.

She said it wasn't about the A. That maybe we just weren't right for each other that we were too different and that she had felt that way for a long time.

I said I knew she had lost feelings for me or else she wouldn't have entered into another relationship. I said I knew I had made mistakes and treated her badly but that was in the past and I am making changes.

She said she had been thinking about Divorce but wasn't sure it was the right thing to do because she didn't want to be viewed as a bad person and it is difficult because of our 2 girls and us being from 2 different countries. She said that I deserve better and could be happier if we divorced.

I asked W what would make her happy in a relationship. She said she didn't want a relationship. That she wouldn't be with OM if we split up or with anyone for a long time. I said I would be happy in our relationship and believed we both could be happy.

I said I knew she had strong feelings for OM and had to have NC so she could work through these and have feelings for me again. I asked when was last time she had contact with OM. She said July/August to sign his vacation time and denied strong feelings for OM.

I didn't say anything but I knew this to be a lie because of letters she wrote at end of August and beginning of Sept. We were both tired and we just continued with small talk about tv show. The talk was calm on both sides but I'm not sure what to take from it or what to do next.

Thank you for taking time to read this and PLEASE give me comments and thoughts(Anything). I'm sure I've left parts out but will remember more.
CR

<small>[ September 28, 2004, 06:52 AM: Message edited by: Coasterride ]</small>

CR,

30 miles is alot of miles to put on a car for a 6 mile trip. Perhaps the next time you have her call from her friends house to let you know she made it there okay. If you have caller ID you'll know if she is calling from her friend's.

Here is the thing. After an A is discovered the WS really doesn't have a leg to stand on. If you check her mileage... OH WELL! You HAVE the right to do that! Why shouldn't you?

Some of the things Buster did after DD were totally degrading. He's getting to the place now where he knows I'm on the up and up. We sit side by side each with our own computers to access the internet. He sees everything I do, and knows how to check things I do when he's not home. He knows all my passwords. He gets the cell phone bill. I very very very rarely go out in the evenings.

This is my penalty for messing up!

Does your wife ever come to MB to read? Maybe she should find out how others are dealing with infidelity, so she understands your behavior is totally normal!

Heidi C- Thanks for the reply. Actually I did say to W that I had every right to check up because she wasn't giving me anything to trust her.
To answer your question. No she doesn't ever read on this site. I don't think she would because she says the way she feels does't have anything to do with her A.
CR

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you for taking time to read this and PLEASE give me comments and thoughts(Anything). I'm sure I've left parts out but will remember more.
CR
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Coasterride - Every journey begins with a single step. You handled yourself very well. REMIND yourself that the lies and denials are normal, especially if there has been contact and she is still in withdrawal. Right now she CAN'T see a "better future." Right now she doesn't even know if she will be able to see anything again.

Patience. Remain vigilant. Look for opportunities to help her. Loving confront as necessary. Be there. The day will come when you are surprised at the willing effort and changes that she will make...but that's still a little bit off in the future. Focus on what needs to be done TODAY....Plan A.

God bless.

CR, your W sounds just like mine did. It's B.S.

She said, "Maybe we'd be happier if we just went our separate ways." She said, "We're just good friends" referring to OM. It was completely untrue. She said she has been feeling not right for a long time. Typical WS talk, rewriting history. I know my WW has admitted to people in heated discussions that she and I were happy together.

The biggest WS myth in my opinion is that the A is incidental to, or a result of, their desire to get out of the M. They have causes and effects all mixed up. They often need to believe this. The alternative is to admit the truth - that they are single-handedly destroying their marriages.

GC

FH and GC thanks for your replies. I've just seen them now. I am trying to remain patient. It is hard to do so but luckily patience is one thing I've always had. I know W doesn't see any future for us right now. She said last night that she thought about divorce a lot. I said do you ever think about us being happily married again she said no.

I'm not so sure W is rewriting history as much as just dwelling on bad things that have happened between us or that I have done in the past. I wish she could remember good times we have had.

I said last night that I remember that we did really care for each other. She said nothing. This was a positive since she has said she didn't think she ever had any feelings for me.

Thanks for reading!!
CR

CR, there's a list of "dos" and "don'ts" that's part of Michelle Weiner-Davis' "Divorce Remedy". I think it might do you good to see it.

Did a search and found the list that babygirl93 put up a while back:

Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes his feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

GC

Thanks GC. I have seen this and have actually been on her website. I do practice many of the items on the list but am also guilty of some of them. But as far as I remember this list is for divorce in general not specifically for infidelity. So some of the list may not be relevant but I am no expert and am always trying to learn.

I actually did some of the don'ts last night. For example, #5,10 and 20. But sometimes it just has to be done. For the most part I don't do the things on the list. But thanks again.
CR