Where i'm at:
I found out about the affair may of 2003. we went up and down all summer with him lying to me about it being over but still calling her on his cell about 40 times a day! i found out when the phone bill came in i finnalnly aske dhim to leave on oct 1. During the time he was gone. i did something wrong I started dating someone who i cared so deeply about. I started feeling strong ( i was in a half plan b the best i could seeing that we had a newborn and a 4 year old and he still came to see them) He was getting weaker. he was sad he misseed me. he begged me to let him come home. he said eh gave up OW. i said i want to see proof no phone calls etc. he stopped talking to her... he moved back in end o fjan. i was renewed with hope. even though at that time he worked with her... i had figured he tried so hard to get me back that he must mean it....

Well herewe are. it has been the rockeist ten months of my life!!!! I dont know if the affiar is still going or what it could be.. here is what i've found out since Jan:

May: that he had talked to her on his cell phone about 7 times the month before.. he said he got "conned" into doing it b/c she said she needed a wake up call and he did it for her and got sucked back in, new better etc.

End of May: I found a bag of clothes she had given him for our kids and him in his trunk... he says it was given to him before he moved home and he just never threw it away. (he still hada a box of stuff in his trunk which he never brought in so it couldve been true)

Beg. o fJune I found an unused condom. he said when he brought the box in (mentioned above) he threw it in his trunk. he said his friend (scummy guy) had given it to him when we were seperated.. couldve happend..

Fathers day: find a msg to him from her on his phone. saying hey baby hope you had a good fathers day i didnt listen to the rest i confronted him.. he changed his phone number.

End of July: some suspious activity he was missing for about an hour and a half find out that he had text messaged her twice after his phone number was changed.. not sure what is going on.

September: i found out he text messaged her on the computer found the website in the history he said he had heard she was going on vacation.. so hemade a mistake to text her adn say have a good time.. Then found out whdn he went to work the next day she had quit. I dont buy it b/c then he said something like he wanted to change his sceadule to take the manager position which he knew i wouldnt like but since she had quit. how would i feel... i did nto belive she quit and really have no way to prove it..

So here i am . i posted before that i'm not even checking for a few months i cant i get panic attack feelings as i go to check. then i either find nothing or something which he has a good lie for... But im trying to do a renewed plan A. Kind of hard b/c I read most of plan A's are poeple still in the Affair, i'm not sure that there is an A. or is there? he is never unaccounted for (expept time mentioned above).. just dont know? are they still having an EA. i just dont know. i try to do the plan A but my insides feel crazy. like yesterday when we hung up i could tell he just pushed the button instaed of hanging up the reciver i start tot hink he must have her on the other line i beg myself to stop thinking this way...

He has been sweet to me the past few months he bought me flowers a first in like 8 years. he leaves sweet notes tries hard it seems. but then theres always theese suspoius situations that come up.

some days I truely feel like giving up. it hurts. i feel like we can never repair this. he is still despartly looking for a new job has had a few intedrvies but hard to right now find a job. and now he told me she no longer works there. but i dont belive this.

I had thought about going into plan A for a few months and during this not checking up on him and stuff. but not sure what my next step will be. If he denies hes having contact with her exept theese couple of relaspes (mistakes) then how could i do plan B. he tells me i'm the one holding back our marriage becuse i am so supsiuous that i keep us from being happy. i'm starting to feel maybe i am...

I was just wondering if any one has been in a situation as i am or is in one any ideas or suggestions thank

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">are they still having an EA. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would say yes. Sure sounds like it to me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he tells me i'm the one holding back our marriage becuse i am so supsiuous that i keep us from being happy. i'm starting to feel maybe i am... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is trying to reassign guilt here. Is it working?

Obtain solid proof of the EA and confront him with it. I am NOT telling you to attack him or LB in anyway. Just come to him with the information and let him know how it makes you feel.

Where are you on the concepts? Have you committed them to memory? Study study and study some more. Knowledge is Power.

All snooping is necessary and good. You are his W and there is nothing that should be hidden from your eyes or ears. Try to get in some IC with the Harley's if you haven't already. They can better advise you on the direction to proceed as far as going to Plan B. But basically as you probably already know that decision ultimately lies with you.

Good Luck and Take care.

C.

As a WH myself who is currently in Plan A (since my BW/WW has an OP of her own still)...

It's hard enough to justify and maintain my W's security and trust as someone who IS NOT in any sort of contact with OW. I am suspected of wrongdoing even when I'm completely innocent...and that's the burden I brought on myself through my infidelity.
I could NEVER keep in ANY sort of contact with OW now and pretend to want to keep the M, because even an "innocent" text message or email or voicemail would be proof that I have NOT done what Plan A says, and that is have NO contact with the OP and send NCL's.

My point...

The fact that your WH hasn't COMPLETELY cut off ALL contact with the OW is proof enough that he isn't serious about rebuilding.
He shouldn't even feel tempted to dial her number in the first place, let alone have an "innocent" dialogue with her, and even if he feels tempted, he shouldn't do it.

If he was serious, there should be no text messages, not even to say "have a nice time." There should be no phone calls from her at ALL, and if there are, he should be admitting them to you before you find them for yourself.

If I got a "hope you're doing OK" email from my OW today, I'd not only delete it immediately but tell my BS about it. THAT type of honesty and dedication is the only thing that will prove true commitment to saving the marriage.

Better hammer him for the truth now and save yourself anymore 2nd-hand info and lies.

<small>[ October 01, 2004, 06:44 PM: Message edited by: VnusMars ]</small>

Sorry for the thread jack but... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

VnusMars did you send a NC letter? And if you did why is OW contacting you? I agree that you handled it perfectly with the honesty. Good Job!!! But it's got me wondering what would I do if and when WW and I get to recovery and this happens to her. Aren't there some steps to take to get rid of pesky OP? Just a question.

C.

I'll reply here since it still seems relative to the original thread...

Yes, I told her "no contact." I'm holding up my end of the bargain, and she's done a very good job of upholding hers.

I wish there were more we could all do to prevent OP from contacting us once we've cut them off. Sometimes they don't realize how much stress and pain even a simple "hope you're OK" causes.


MyLife's WH needs to stop baiting the OW first and foremost and cut her off, let alone be honest with his BS when OW contacts him.

<small>[ October 01, 2004, 06:45 PM: Message edited by: VnusMars ]</small>