<small>[ October 02, 2004, 12:11 AM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Excellent, timely post SD.

Thanks, Bob! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

What if my WH has ended the affair (did in Jan 04), lived with me and hid his demons until May 04, then dropped the ugly bomb about his affair, and left me for a bachelor lifestyle (signed year long lease, admits to dating other woman...not sure if anything is serious, and goes out drinking on weekends like he is a college frat boy). Is this a midlife crisis (he turns 31 in a month), does he just not want to get married, or is he truly in a fog as MB calls it? I have planned A my butt off this summer, sending e-mails about things I have been doing and how these things relate back to a good memory of ours, telling him how proud I am of his accomplishments, telling him he looks hot, buff, ect, ect. His responses: "You are a good person. You need to let other men see that. I don't deserve you. You have so many great qualties, blah, blah, blah."

I really only have communicated with him via e-mail and occasionally the phone since we separated. The few times we did see each other, he acted very arrogant and stand-off ish. And he has blatently lied many times..definitely not the man I married! I have steered clear of relationship talk since he first dropped the bomb until now...

I leave town in 10 days and will be gone for a very big race for just under 2 weeks....WH actually took me to watch this race last year and now I have qualified to race it! I sent him the following letter earlier this week and he responded by saying that we can talk about our relationship after my trip. What should I plan for? Any suggestions on what I should do, how I should act?

Hi S,

I am hurt that you won't communicate with me what we could work on as a couple to help improve our marriage. You spent a year struggling internally with a lot of emotions but never let me in to know what bothered you about our marriage. An affair can be catastrophic to a marriage but it does not need to be. The affair reveals some major flaws in the marriage that can be worked on to strengthen the bond, the connection that made our relationship with each other unique. Never before had either of us considered marriage with any of our other partners and that makes our bond special. And it also makes me believe that our marriage can not only be saved but also can become one that all envy. I don't believe you are fully at fault for what has happened this past year to our marriage but the affair did not help some underlying issues we should have confronted each other about early on. In reading our journal, I believe our troubles began about 6 months into our marriage. I think reality set in at this point. I was ecstatic about you going after a career dream yet was very discontent about not feeling the same affection nor feeling like I was a priority when you began the academy. I remember crying when you skipped out on our trip to Boston that year yet also beaming with pride when you graduated from the academy. As you spent time away, I started networking more to improve my business and also got involved with triathlon. Unlike prior to our marriage when our social ties intertwined with activities we both enjoyed, we had separate social settings and separate activities that we enjoyed. I became focused on trying to qualify for Hawaii as I discovered some success in triathlon and with the encouragement of the triathlon community and yourself, I pursued that with full force. You became focused on trying to enter the very difficult firefighting industry. We were both proud of each other's efforts but at the same time were both becoming discontent that we didn't socialize with the same groups nor were we enjoying the same activities as a couple that we used to. This should of been a RED FLAG to the both of us early on. We kept encouraging each other as married couples should and I was super proud of all your accomplishments but I was increasingly sad that there was some distance between us. We both came home tired from training/work and were both caught up in other lives that we did NOT fuflill each other's needs. I can tell you that I have a huge need for AFFECTION, COMMUNICATION, & HONESTY. I started to feel less affection from you and I sensed that you weren't being 100% honest in your communication with me. Thus, you started to see me cry a lot more. You know I am a very sensitive, emotional gal...always have been. This is something that will never change. I hurt because I saw our lives diverting and I missed you so much. But by this time, there was an affair going on which was driving you emotionally and physically away from me. You sought out someone to fulfill some of your emotional needs...most likely the affection I wasn't giving you 100% as I did when we first bonded, the physical satisfaction from another woman who gave you that affection, and someone to hang out with and enjoy common activities like we once had. Scott, these are things I want to fulfill because you are the LOVE OF MY LIFE, the MAN I want to spend my life with. I don't want to train for Ironman when you are not in the picture. I miss spending time doing things we both enjoy...like sleeping in, running, going to concerts, hanging out with friends, walking on the beach, watching movies, and most of all loving each other. I want to communicate some of new things we can explore and take these adventures as a couple. I not saying that we won't have certain activites that we'll want to seek out individually BUT I want to focus on the activities that make us both happy. I would hope that these are things that you'd be willing to try for the sake of our marriage. And I think it should be taken in a slow manner...occasionally having lunch together, going to see a movie, listening to a concert, heading out for a run. I think the possibility of rediscovering the love we have for each other is GREAT. Love may fade which is why I know you don't feel like you are "in love" with me anymore BUT it never goes away completely. All I ask of you is that you give us a chance. Think about these words I have spoken today. There is no hurry. I am still wearing my wedding rings in honor of you, the man I love. I love you and will stay true to you, my love for you, our marriage until I believe there is no chance for us. I don't wish to seek out another relationship right now because my heart believes in us. There is a reason why I have stuck around despite the hurtful actions of this past year. Again, I have no time frame as to how we should go about this. I just want to sit down and communicate our inner most thoughts, things that we should have talked about long before our marriage came to this point. I think spending some time together yet still living separately will allow us to really evaluate whether or not we believe our marriage will work.

Love always and forever,

K

Me: 28 yo FW
Him: 30 yo WH; had 4 month affair last fall, ended it in Jan, dropped bomb in May, left me in May, admits to dating. No papers filed.

Ooops...just a note, we have been married for 3.5 years.

kjb

Have you read Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley?

It is most important to start there. Understand the dynamics of an affair, and how things that took place in a marriage, Pre-A, left the marriage vulnerable.

Take a very hard look at yourself in the mirror. What things did you do, or not do, that may have contributed to the "drifting apart"? Identify and correct those things as quickly as possible. Make sure they are things you can change for life. It will make you a better person, and a better wife.

Read and understand Plan A, and start with it NOW. Get busy showing your WH that you are embarking on a new and better life, as a better person, with him or without him. Stay busy, jog, exercise, fix or decorate the house, volunteer at a children's hospital, follow your dreams.

Don't come across as whiney, needy or desparate. Come across as independent, self-assured and confident. Sure, there'll be little acting involved (at first) but as you find your way, this WILL become the new you. Dress up a notch, get a new haircut, buy some new perfume and make him wonder what you are up to!!! Sometimes it's amazing how quickly they are attracted to you when they sense you are "moving on". Of course, you are just leaving that image in his foggy head!

Start with the book, take a deep breath, and set your resolve to embark on a difficult journey. Post here for help, as there are wonderful people here, and they are very caring and understanding.

Best wishes
SD

Thanks SD...I did read the books, both Surviving the Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. Fogless and 2scared have encouraged me to send him the books...told me that even if he is offended at first, if he opens some pages and just reads a few lines that it would help rather than harm our situation.

I have definitely identified the problem...time spent apart...as the primary issue in our marriage and as I indicated in my letter to him, I don't put the blame fully on him. We both need to continue to encourage each other as we strive towards individual goals BUT need to find activities that we both enjoy (much like we had when we first started dating). But this can't be one-sided. My WH doesn't seem willing to work things out...he says he is done, that he has thought about it that there is nothing I can do to save our marriage. Funny thing, he sat with his guilt of the affair without ever communicating a darn thing to me. I'd often ask him what was wrong, what I could do to help, how proud of him I was, how much I loved him, etc. but he'd just respond by saying he was stressed. During his affair (which was unknown to me at the time), I tried to initiate foreplay and lovemaking but he wouldn't be able to perform...would get arroused and then become soft. I would caress him, love him while he got all pissed off about it. At the time, I thought he may have sexual dysfunction (didn't tell him this) but I was confused since he never had problems performing before. I now know why...all the guilt. I don't think my WH can deal with the fact that he hurt me and thus he is telling me to move on. He has told me that he loves me and always will but is not "in love" with me (I believe he is conflicted because he wouldn't seek out another woman if he were "in love with me"; that I am the same person he fell in love with but that he had changed...sound familiar? The point is that we have not done anything as a couple to try to better our marriage and that is ALL that I ask of him...to give "us" a chance. What can I do to help convince him that "we" are worth saving.

-K

kjb

You should copy/paste Your original post into a new thread in General Questions II.

It's the busiest group of forums, and your topic will get more input (although the boards slow down considerably on weekends).

You will get more various responders there, whereas your post might be overlooked in this thread.

Just a suggestion...

So far as your question regarding getting his attention, I'd still suggest the physical changes I listed above. Dressing up a notch, hairdo, perfume, clothes, etc., then try to set up a couple of meeting with him at a coffee shop and have a heart to heart exchange of thoughts regarding any future you two might expect together. Do change those things about you that might have been viewed as negative by him in the marriage. What do you have to lose?

SD

Double post

<small>[ October 01, 2004, 06:16 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Thanks SD...I'll start a new thread. I have attempted to try to meet with him but he insists on keeping distance because it will be easier for me to move on that way (his justification anyways). I have gone out more, putting my best, most sexy clothes on with hope of seeing him. He always told me though that I was most sexy when I first woke up. And he was attracted by the fact that I am a very natural gal...minimal makeup, long hair that doesn't require updo, and very athletic. Not sure perfuming myself or putting a lot of makeup would do the trick for him. Although I do know he likes sexy clothing so I will continue to try to get him to see me. Thanks for you input.