Hi all,

I have just ended a 2 month affair with OW. We have known for weeks we needed to end it. My DW does not know about the affair. I have realised I must stop the lying and commit to my DW more, who I love. I also know that continuing the affair was going to hurt OW more and more in the long run (she is currently going through a divorce, and I have just added to her pain). I believe the affair happened because of my own issues, not so much the state of our marriage. However, that is another story.

I know this will sound bizarre, but I do care very much for OW and am concerned about how much our break-up has hurt her. She is struggling with it, and I want to help lessen her pain, perhaps by talking with her a little while longer to seek some form of closure, so the break-up is not as brutal as a sudden “no-contact” we have just gone through.

I know this sounds totally hypocritical - if I am so concerned about people I care about, why did I cheat on DW? But I do care about OW also, and am struggling with her being so hurt right now, and am trying to figure what the best thing to do from here is. I feel that we can end it in a less brutal way.

I have also decided that what ever I do cannot be in my own best interests – I have been selfish enough over the last 2 months, and have hurt two wonderful women in the process. However, I also understand OW came into this eyes wide open, and I said from day one I would not leave my DW. I also acknowledge OW was more than willing to have me destroy my marriage, but in the heat and passion of what we went through I now know I have to walk a mile in someone’s shoes before I can judge.

Any comments appreciated.

John

John,

I'm no psychologist, but I don't think that trying to talk to the OW is a good idea for either her or your wife.

Talking to OW will either prolong her suffering or give her a false sense of hope -- if your true intention is not to see her or contact her again.

John, first of all have you done much reading here - on the site and posts from other people?

Second, welcome to MB.

Third, be prepared for some quite strong answers to your question because there is a great deal of pain on this board. But also a lot of humour and support.

I am a FWW (former wandering wife) and the answer to your question is you have already broken up with the OW and that's it. The End, finish, final, finito.

The only person you owe anything to is your DW. And you owe her BIG TIME. Please ask us anything you like regarding rebuilding your marriage - we're here to help.

Jen

You have to demonstrate your absolute loyalty to your wife.

What's the OW doing to lessen your W's pain?

She may deserve happiness as well as anyone else, but...

Somebody is going to hurt. You and the OW have created the need for somebody to suffer.

You can't get out of it.

OW will survive. Ending contact with her is an act of compassion, even though it will hurt her for a while.

I won't even ask about her divorce.

GC

(corrected for grammar)

<small>[ October 01, 2004, 10:45 PM: Message edited by: graycloud ]</small>

Thanks for your comment. My _true_ intention is indeed to have no contact with OW. This is not a ruse for me to satisy some of my own needs (other than my guilt?). My concern is how best to enter that phase, if that makes sense - is there a way to ease into no contact that will minimise OW's pain? She is still a human being with feelings, I'm just hoping we can get some closure on the affair and then both move on with our lives.

John

John,
Okay...fog lifting time ....because you seem to need it.

We see this thing every day of the week.

NC is NC...whether its 2 minutes, 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years....you continue to lie and betray you W.

Here's another eye opener...your OW WILL tell your W. I promise you this. And don't be too surprised if that threat doesn't appear shortly after NC begins.

I'm not making this up as I go along.

Your focus should be on your W..and repairing your M...because all the time you spend trying to "ease" OW through HER pain...is another day tossed onto your W who lives her life everyday in a lie.

Snap out of it.

Like YOU said...OW walked in with her eyes wide open...what a rude awakening this will be for your W...I'm sure she won't react the same way.

You have chosen...now walk the walk.

Hey John! Well let me start out with the positive before I give you my BS(betrayed spouse) point of view. I commend you for coming to MB for help in order to do the right thing. The following is the right thing. End contact pronto! Forget about closure. Letting the OW down gently. I don't know if you have any kids, but this is the fact. This lovely OW of yours doesn't give a sh** about destroying your M, and if you have children, ripping their lives apart. Think about THAT when you are contemplating having your closure.

It has been almost 9 months since the d-day of my H's A. In the beginning he felt just like you. So responsible and guilty for poor OWs feelings. Now he's thinking of things like when he tried to keep it from going physical, and she told him she respected him, but would have sex when he was ready. He's remembering the times he tried to end it because he knew it was wrong, but she would cry and beg him to stay because she "loved" him so much. Does someone who loves you encourage you to lie, cheat, and betray the person who you love? As you said your OW knew exactly what she was walking into. Don't make the same mistake my H made and try to have the closure. His OW got a divorce and was convinced he would leave our M. She was very good at keeping him hooked. Do you want the 2 month A to turn into a year or more A because you really care about the OW and want to let her down gently? Think about your W now, and what it will take to hopefully repair the damage.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. The damage done by these As are so extreme. You've taken the steps to do the right thing. Now finish it cleanly. We will be here to help you through it. Good Luck! CV

Thanks guys, I am very glad I found this board.

You are all right of course, I guess I knew I needed a kick in the butt, and you have given it to me. I needed to snap out of this fog completely. I'll be back as I try to sort out my issues one by one. I at least feel relieved I have managed to end the A now, rather than after years of this lying and craziness.

I will dedicate myself to my wife, I certainly do owe her that much at the least. I am also planning on seeing a counsellor to figure out why I would do this when in what I thought was a happy marriage.

John

Good on you, John.

Please avoid the "You'll always be important to me" and "I don't want to hurt you" talk with OW.

You want closure? End it abruptly, immediately, and with no lovey dovey talk. That stuff only strings her along. Tell her it is absolutely, positively over forever, and that you are committing yourself to your wife. End of story.

I know it sounds harsh, but believe me, I don't want your OW punished just because I'm a BS. I don't suggest doing it this way out of bitterness or indignation. It is ultimately an act of kindness for you to do it in this way.

Look deeper if you think it's cruel. The cruel thing is for her to be reminded she means something to you, to feel she is important to you. She will not be let down easy by this, she'll take it as a sign that you don't really mean to end it. Sometimes things appear cruel on their face, but are ultimately acts of compassion. As Penny Tupy puts it, an affair is not a love story.

Good luck to you. I'm very glad you came here. Stick around, and you'll find help when you need it.

GC

John, it has been over six years since my DH'S affair. We are long past recovered. But, I can tell you that you are on a very slippery slope as far as your marriage is concerned right now.
The advice to read everything here on the concepts is right.
Then you need a plan. First thing on the list should be, TELL YOUR WIFE. EVERYTHING. Leave out no details because they will come back to slap you in the face later, she may anyway! But, having made a lie of your DWs' life for this long you owe her the truth and the ability to decide what her future should be knowing the truth.
It took me weeks to decide whether I loved him enough to overcome this obstacle. I did. But, if he hadn't come to me with the truth, I'm not sure I would have stayed. And it lowers the chances even more if the OW tells her. And the previous poster was right. They almost always do. It is their twisted last ditch effort to break your marriage, they think (falsely) that you will fall into their arms.
If you love her and you can spend all you have emotionally to make this right your marriage will survive, but, if you continue to lie to her and deceive her at this time... your marriage is doomed to failure.
Next, sit down with your wife and write a NC letter to OW. WITH YOUR WIFE! Remember this is done to make her feel more secure in your love for her. No, I'm sorry this hurt you. Only I'm sorry that I hurt my wife, I DON'T WANT TO EVER SEE YOU AGAIN, NOT I CAN'T EVER SEE YOU AGAIN, etc.
You took selfish care of someone outside your marriage, now is the time to take care of your DW.
And good luck!

Hi John.....

Welcome to MB.

Speaking from my own experience....which is still in the midst of Plan B....you should have no contact with the OW at all. None.

My WH is at this time trying to let his OW "down easy". He has broken up with her before, only to begin contact with her the very next day.

The only thing I can see from this is that he seems to have more trouble hurting her, than he has hurting me.

His actions are "killing" me, and the love I have for him. We have been married 32 years. His A has been going on for over 3 years. I just found out about the A this May.

Things have been up and down, with WH's lies to me, and continuing to have contact with OW.

If you truly love your wife, SHOW IT!!!!

DO NOT LINGER IN THIS! The more you do, the more disrespect you show for OW and for you W. BOTH of these women need to get on with their lives.

Be kind to yourself, and to them. END CONTACT NOW.

JMVHO (just my very humble opinion) as seen from the other side.

You will get all the help you need here.

K72172

First, welcome John. Keep posting and sharing your feelings here. You can get an awful lot of help here. (More imprtantly, do the same for your wife!)

I wanted to comment on this whole "closure" thing. IMHO, there is no such thing as "closure." I think of people wanting "closure mainly when they speak of death. How can you have "closure" when it's one-sided? "Closure" insinuates there is an understanding; an unwritten contract or agreement. Hogwash! (Did I really just say that?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) Again, how can this happen when it's one-sided? Or "supposed" to be.

I'm not going to answer your question. Nah nyah nyah nyah nyah!

You know why?

You did!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also understand OW came into this eyes wide open...I also acknowledge OW was more than willing to have me destroy my marriage...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't want to dismiss your feelings for the OW--I'm sure you do are "concerned" for her. Part of the process, my friend. "...and I want to help lessen her pain..." Normal.

I was also a WH...I know those "feelings" and now know, I pity her. I would like her to do well for herself in life, but that life doesn't involve ME.

If I had put the time and energy and feeling I had for the OW into my M and directed at my BW, well, I guess I wouldn't be giving you my opinion now.

Best wishes.

Hi all,

Thanks. I couldn't ignore your logic and I have just sent a strong NC email. I followed the guidelines, and I knew as soon as I sent it, that it was the right thing for everybody, especially my BS.

I feel set in my mind, very much so, that it is now 100% over, and that sending the email shows respect to my DS. I now need to show her a lot more to start working towards making up for the horrid disrespect I have shown her in the last 2 months by having this affair.

John

Great first step.
KEEP POSTING.
Your emotions are going to run away for awhile.
And there will be SO many of them...but if you keep reading around here...knowing WHAT to expect...will lessen the blow.

Good for you, John!

You need to have a "sitdown" with your BW. you need to show her a copy of the email. (This "should" have been written with her--by your side.)

You're on the right path. It will require work--don't fool yourself.

But if you are serious, the work will be worth it.

sorry...mini threadjack...
BIJ! how r u?????
Did you ever get my response???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong> You want closure? End it abruptly, immediately, and with no lovey dovey talk. That stuff only strings her along. Tell her it is absolutely, positively over forever, and that you are committing yourself to your wife. End of story.

Look deeper if you think it's cruel. The cruel thing is for her to be reminded she means something to you, to feel she is important to you. She will not be let down easy by this, she'll take it as a sign that you don't really mean to end it. Sometimes things appear cruel on their face, but are ultimately acts of compassion. As Penny Tupy puts it, an affair is not a love story.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, thanks, your comments were all I needed as I know they are very true. I have sent the NC. It is absolutely the best way to end this and finally show some respect to DW and OW.

John

Great John! You are a very fortunate man that you found MB. Maybe if my confused, fogged out H would have found this site when he was struggling to end his A it would not have lasted as long as it did. Keep posting! CV