Trying to be the psychologist that I am not but here is my take on this subject:

I know I was giving my WH affection but the boom in my business and Ironman training took away from the attention I used to be able to give fully to him. When our lives started to divert, I supported WH and gave him words of encouragement and he recipricated it back to me, yet WH felt discontent on a personal level (hated his job, wasn't moving forward with the firefighting, was stressed about homelife...starting a family, investing in a home, etc.). WH never communicated his perceptions about failure but it showed through...he would be so pissed, get very angry, would be sad, just show a lot of emotions that were atypical from the confident person I knew and married. I believe the affair took him away from reality, allowed him to be with someone who physically satisfied him but someone who did not know about his perceived failure in firefighting. The affair also allowed WH to live a surreal life where he could momentarily forget about the stresses at home (bills, etc.). Once the affair became an addiction, I believe WH started to doubt his love for me...after all, how could he be screwing around with another woman if he did indeed love me??? When I would try to be affectionate, WH wasn't able to perform or he would just not participate (the affection would be one-sided which was very demoralizing to me and I am sure it conflicted him even more). WH became confused, angry at himself, and socially isolated. Nothing seemed to be fun for WH anymore...WH ended the affair last January but let all these unhealthy thoughts/emotions bottle up inside of him until it hit a boiling point in May....then, boom, the ticking bomb explodes and all this confusion, these emotions come out in a very angry manner and unfortunately, I am at the receiving end. Right now, I think WH feels utterly ashamed for his actions and consequently believes that the right thing to do is to let me move on to a man who will treat me better than he has this past year. I almost think WH feels that he has to punish himself before he is able to move forward in life...his punishment, letting go of me, the one woman who stole his heart almost 5 years ago.

Thoughts? Can anyone relate? FWH/WH's, does any of this hit home? Or am I failing this psychological analysis of my realationship woes with WH?

Me: 28 yo FW of 3.5 years. Been best friends and lovers for 5 years
Him: 30 yo WH; had 4 month affair with co-worker last fall, ended it in Jan, let emotions build up until May, dropped bomb and left me, been separated ever since. We have had minimal contact. I have been plan A'ing my a** off with little or no response from WH. There have been no divorce papers filed thank god.