Many of you that have been on the boards know my saga. Brief synopsis:

WH went to India for work, met his soulmate there, and came home with the typical fog talk of I love you but not in love with you.

He then went through the motions of counseling, pretending the M was too far gone to be fixed (of course I did not know about A).

I found out about A, was devestated. He agreed to recovery, NC, marriage counseling, and we entered very brief recovery (because, basically, he did not keep up his part of the bargain on NC). This was in 11/03.

I plan A-ed with him in the home, hot and cold, nice and cruel, Dr. Jeckyl & Mr Hyde until 3/2/04, when I told him, time to go, GET OUT(because he had been talking about how unhappy he was at home since January of '04, so unhappy he wanted to committ suicide, was in daily contact with OW, had even spoken to me about how he had at one point plotted my murder to get free of me, etc). I was overall, pretty satisfied with the Plan A attempt I had made (it was 6 months of it, and I was wearing very thin) and frankly, ready for him to **** or get off the pot (now I am not sure if I should have just stuck it out).

The first few weeks of 3/04 I still tried to maintain Plan A contact. We had some very destructive conversations, that still bring tears to my eyes. He said the cruelest, most degrading, most damaging things to me that a person has ever uttered to me in my entire life. With the help of this board, I got into Plan B (WH was simply tearing me in two, and in retrospect, I should have gone into Plan B much sooner). Some of the things that were said have taken a piece of me that I will never have back.

I kept a strict Plan B, with NO CONTACT with WH for almost 3 months. ALL contact went through an impartial 3rd party intermediary, and I NEVER saw him, spoke with him, etc. All arrangement with the kids and finances were carefully orchestrated to facilitate total darkness.

In May, WH asked for a divorce, and through my intermediary, I said, no thanks....I want to be married.

Then, something began to change in me...the LB$ was truly drying up....and I felt like I had had enough. I told him early June that I was ready for that divorce now.

We reintiated contact, and agreed on an uncontested divorce. Actually, our contact slowly grew to be amicable, even friendly, and we would often find ourselves laughing, teasing each other, etc. after a conversation (and the ironic thing was, often these conversations were during meetings we had set to discuss our divorce plans). In fact, during one such conversation, where we were together for almost 12 hours one day, we seemed to flush out some old painful issues, get some closure on those issues, with each of us for the first time owning our part in it, etc. One of the healthiest, mature adult marital conversations I had EVER had with him.

I explored some romantic relationships during this time, with WH's full knowledge, but quickly realized that while I fully wanted to move on with my life, especially in a romantic, interpersonal relationship sense, I was hardly ready...with little left of myself to give. Hardly fair to another person right now, despite how much better they would probably be for me long term.

So, we filed D, together at the courthouse, uncontested on 9/10.

Sicne then, WH has been in Canada, on another international training trip (much like the one that originally brought him to India). He has mentioned to me that there is another woman in Canada that has also shown him an interest, and I kinda ribbed him to say with disbelief that I could not believe he was gonna cheat on his girlfriend in India, which he cheated on his wife and family to be with, with another woman in Canada. He quickly back peddled to tell me that he was just saying there was this woman who wanted him, not that he was gonna take her up on it.

He has hemmed and hawwed about his involvement with the original OW, claiming that they are just "neat pen pals" one minute, or making comments about marriage to her or about how she "will probably want to have children of her own" with him one day.

Here is the gist of where I am going with this.

I feel schizephrenic.

One moment, I am so done. I feel nothing for him, with things like the scenario above (with Canada chic) making me confident that ending this relationship is the best thing for me.

The next moment, I feel like I should be holding on and trying a while longer. It is things like the conversation where we both cried about the things we did wrong, and the remorse we felt, and the forgiveness we were offering each other(mind you, this conversation was not at all in relation to the A, for he has apologized for hurting me with the A, but not about meeting this woman he "loves"). Or, I feel compelled to try to keep hoping for the marriage when things happen like watching my 10-year old son at the church alter asking for prayer from the elders in the church, tears flowing, bowed on his knees at the alter, crumpled over, with pain and earnestness, and utter brokenness, begging God to fix his family. Begging God, between sobs that were shaking his whole body, to bring his Dad home. Telling God, through a face wet with tears, that his heart felt like it was dying inside, he hurt so bad, if God could just help him not to hurt so bad.

WH comes home this weekend for a visit with the kids, before he leaves again back to Canada for another 5 weeks. He moved out of his apartment before he left to Canada, so he has no place of his own in town for the moment. I offered for him to stay at the house, so he could be with the kids, etc. Then, when he returns to town for good on 11/1, he will be waiting a month (which he mentioned would be spent with his parents in their one bedroom apt on the couch) before his new apt is ready on 12/1.

What the hell do I do?

I still wonder if this man is even at all good for me. If I am being purely selfish, not at all focused on that Godly spirit of reconciliation, and even at all realistic about whether or not I can get past all the **** at this point, I think there is no earthly reason we should be together. When I think of him, I think of the man I thought he was. When I think of our "happy times" together, I think, was I just in massive denial about really how "happy" I was, or am I simply rewriting history as a means to cope with the pain. I think about all the ways he hurt me previously, all the things that made me feel unsafe, or neglected or isolated or whatever, and wonder, hmmm, was that why I was such a angry, disrespectful, demanding wife (I was very short and harsh with him the duration of our marriage, and sometimes, it is no wonder he wandered to someone else's arms...I was a class A ***** when my needs were not met...we had a very destructive, immature dynamic in conflict).

Since all of this renewed contact, and the deep talks, he is friendly when we do talk (which is usually when either one of us is calling to talk to our kids), and we will seem sincerely interested in the casual going-ons of the other, etc. And there is never a time when we call that we do not at least ask to speak to each other, if for no other reason but to say, thanks, how are ya, good night. And there have even been some times when he has called to talk to me, because he wanted to let me know if I needed to talk, I was welcome to (because it was clear he could see I was hurting).

This weekend, I was planning on being here, being kind and cordial, just being myself, going out Saturday night and leaving him here to have some alone time with the kids (I am going to volunteer at an charity event), and just sitting back and watching to see what happens, if anything.

BUT, when he called tonight to talk to the kids, he did not ask to speak with me. Then, at the kids prompting (my DD said, Daddy, here's Mommy), when I picked up the phone to say hello, he had hung up. He had not done this since before I went into Plan B. I mean, HE NEVER does this. And when I did speak with him last, he was very cold.

WTF?

I just hate how there never seems to be any clear cut path of what the hell one is supposed to do in all of this.

I could move on, and miss the opportunity to heal my marriage and family (if my brief dating experiences did not already firm up for WH that we were officially done, not turning back, etc).

I could hold on, and sit in emotional hell, missing what life has to offer me, while I safeguard my heart, with exclusive rights to my WH only (although I feel no real love for him in a romantic sense, but more, feel compassion for my suffering children, and a willingness to rekindle any scraps that might be left for WH at this point for their sake).

Some people say, wait, the Lord will work, God hates divorce, when it is time to move on, it will be clear (perhaps WH will remarry or something).

Some people say, I am missing out on life, stuck, in denial, and only serving to prolong my own emotional turmoil, etc. That there is someone else out there for me (and I can attest to the fact, I too believe there has to be someone else who will be more compatible, more loving, more able to meet my needs, along with not having all the baggage that my marital relationship now carries, that is out there...waiting for me to heal).

This is long as hell, but I would appreciate any thoughts or feedback. I always get such thoughtful, wise feedback.

And I totally feel utter speechless (as if this LONG post showed it) with what to possibly do at this point.

Wow... No advice from me on M because I filed DV, but it must be the phase of the moon or something. I've been beating myself up for the last 24 hours or so with basically the same thing:

"Should I stall the DV? Am I missing out on God's blessing? Should I wait and guard my heart and focus only on him--and wait as long as it takes? If I wait, will I miss something better that might be in store for me? Do I love him? Have I rewritten history to be better than it really was? What is WH thinking? What are the chances? Why do I even want him back?"

We also had a very intense relationship (not necessarily in the good sense) because of his alcoholism. I have a very quick temper and said some very ugly things to him over the course of the years that may have helped nudge him into the OW's arms, or at least out of mine.

I'm struggling with what is right, what God wants me to do, and all in all just am not sure of anything right now (except that maybe I'm psycho).

All I know is that affairs stick. DV stinks. It is just ugly all the way around.

LL

LL: I never really posted to you, but, surprisingly, lurked on your threads quite a bit.

I too wonder if it was a "test" to guage my faithfulness in God, my patience, etc...and, that, well, I failed that one big time.

Thank God is a gracious God, and can still fix things, even when we mess them up.

Thanks for responding! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

DipiT -

Is it really you here posting about something serious?

I am probably not the one to give you good advice, since I no longer want my WH back.

Like you, I have been looking hard at the marriage. And I don't think that it is just "sour grapes" with me. My husband never put any effort into the marriage. When I stopped trying, there really was no marriage left.

I'm also a Christian, and have tried to save my marriage for 21 months. I've prayed and prayed about it. Went to counseling alone with my pastor, went to a women's support group, went to a mediator, and on and on.

But the fact is, my WH wants to do what he wants to do. He is on his own course now, and desires no relationship with me. So I have let him go, and planned to have a great life without him.

I think you should do the same thing. Just figure that he is gone, and won't come back. Then move on with your life.

I am so sorry about your son. The children come out the losers in these things. My WH's OW has completely abandoned her 12 year old daughter. What a shame.

Believer,

I have been at this a year, and not with half the dedication and perseverance you have.

I am not sure I can say I made the type of Godly decisions you did.

Thanks for posting. Always the consistently caring MB friend.

Can we PLEASE do drinks one day? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

DipiT -

Just do nothing. You have done all you can in my opinion. Wait it out until divorce is final. Probably time to sit back, wait and see what he does.

Put it in Gods hands and live your life. Be pleasant when he is around, think pleasant thoughts when he is gone, if you can. This is all you can do at this point.

All the actions left to be done now are in WH's husbands hands, and if nothing changes with him then once divorce is final move on with your life.

You have done all that you can.


PS If you and Believer go for drinks, I'm going with <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks, Weaver.

You are probably right...what CAN I do at this point, anyway, then pray, be the best person I can, and see what happens.

I know this is going to be a test, because WH is already setting the stage during the recent conversations (or lack thereof) that he is going to be aloof, cold, or cruel.

Jeesh. Why I did not just follow the plans in the first place and chill out? Then, at least, I could be like Believer and just rest in the knowledge that I did all I could.

And as far as drinks....you are definitely ON! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

know this is going to be a test, because WH is already setting the stage during the recent conversations (or lack thereof) that he is going to be aloof, cold, or cruel.

Then just try to be as sweet as pie right back. Don't let him push any buttons. Make a game of it.

You can get through this weekend. Turn the charm up all the way, then if he is cold or cruel he will end up feeling like a heel.

Thanks!

Anyone else have an opinion they would like to share?

DipiT,

I just wanted to let you know that you have nothing to hang your head about. Nothing. Have you given your WH time, love and patience when he was "undeserving" of that. Yes. Did you slip along the way? Yes. Are you perfect? Are you ever going to be? Please don't beat yourself up.

I know it is difficult right now, as I am in a similar point of BS fence-sitting. The advice I offer is something that I myself have trouble applying.

In all honesty, how do you want this to end up?

Make sure that your actions are working towards that goal FOR YOU.

It's up to WH to figure out what he wants, and get himself there. Not your job, or your place.

So if's he a first rate wiener when he's at your place....let him be. And as tough as it is....shine. Shine like you do with us, and let your WH go his own way if he chooses.

But I'm sure you knew that already..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good Luck,
Ethan

Well ST, I am so sorry for the utter cr*p you are going through. My 2cents goes with Weaver on this. What you are feeling is perfectly normal, since a D is its own rollercoaster ride with scary new heights, dips and turns and regrets.

I would let this play out and see what happens. Some have said to Plan A until you are D and he remarries. That of course is completely up to you and nothing you have to decide on right now.

He's going to be cold and aloof? As long as there is contact he will be acting like this. You cannot count on anything different until he ends this A. I don't know if I would let him stay with you on the weekend. Visit, yes, stay over, no. IMHO, this will be very confusing for you and your kids. He is hurting so much, I am so so sorry.

Dipti, i have no advice, as you know i am a major mess right now, but i did want you to know i read your post and i will be thinking of you this weekend.

Hey DipiT! You know what I think of the effort you have made to save your M. Don't even attempt to tell me you didn't do your very best. I was here on MB, witnessing the WHOLE process.

I agree with what others here are saying. Just live your life. If your H becomes the man you once loved then let him earn his way back into your life, that is if you even want him.

As far as him being in [censored] mode now, pretend there is a protective mirror around you, and let his bad attitude bounce right back to him. In your position now you don't have to plan A your butt off. You can be nice, but you're not trying to get him back as your H.

I am sorry about your children. The best you can do is have as good an R with your H as possible for the kids' sake. You really did your best. Also your insight that maybe you were short and angry with him during your M because he wasn't meeting your needs could be accurate. We can all rewrite history all sorts of ways. The reality of an M is that none of them are perfect. The goal is to learn and grow in love as time goes on.

Many HUGS to you this weekend! CV

Well, he is polite and distant at best.

I could not help myself, so, this morning I snooped on his cell phone. I saw about a million text messages btwen WH and OW where they refer to each other as "My husband" and "My wife."

Don't know what that means, exactly, since I am his wife and he is my husband, technically. But he has stopped being my husband about a year ago.

I saw about a million text messages btwen WH and OW where they refer to each other as "My husband" and "My wife."

Well the fog is certainly thick between those two...how stupid.

Thinking about you girl. You hang in there, the weekend will be over soon. You be the best you can be in front of him.

I just feel dead and hallow inside.

I am a fool. How could I love someone like that. How could I have ever willingly signed up for that. Perhaps I have an inherent character flaw that leads me to people who cannot possibly reciprocate to me the love I feel for them.

He just took his phone into the bathroom with him...so he can write his wife.

Just want to make all of this stop. Just wanna be happy again. Not sure that is possible.

Dipti, i am so sorry for you pain. hand it over to God, He is with you. I am sending you much love, i hope you can feel it.

Karen

DipiT, honey PLEASE know this isn't about you. You did nothing to deserve what your H is doing. He is a very fogged out person. I am a true believer in karma. I don't have one doubt that their true love will blow up in both of their faces at some point. It is just a matter of time, whether he is Med to her or not. He has created his own hell. You on the other hand have set yourself up for a life of love and integrity. You will get the love you deserve. You will be happy again. You are way to cool of a person not to have a great life. So get those destructive thoughts out of your head immediately. DO YOU HEAR ME GIRL? Maybe it will help you get through the weekend if you just view your H as the alien that he is. And then never let him stay with you again. At least until you really have detached from him. Sending you love and hugs! CV

Weaver, FL, CV, Ethan, What am I doing, everyone....thank you for being a source of encouragement and acceptance in my life.

I just wanna thank you.

WH and I had a long, tearful talk. I told him what I saw, and told him that I was a bit shocked to see that. I told him there was a small part somewhere inside of me wishing for reconciliation, and while I was sorry for invading his privacy, I guess I needed to see that. I told him I was dissappointed he had lied about it, because last time we talked he referenced OW as a really neat pen pal, and somehow he left out the WIFE part. He explained, referencing some matchbox 20 song, that it was harder to tell the truth, because he knew it would hurt me. I asked him when he was going to learn that the lies hurt worth than the truth.

Anyway, I ended the conversation. I told him he was here for the kids. That the kids have been hurting so badly, really really missing him, since he left some 4+ weeks ago, and that his time here wasn't about me, but about them. I told him I would learn to be OK, I needed to get over myself, and let him get back to what he is here for, which is them.

I had those creeping suicidal thoughts (no one get all panicked...I get them from time to time, and know how to deal with them, with prayers, tell my Mom how I am feeling, reach out to friends, I am ok). <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

WH colected the kids and they left to go to the park. The kids were estatic....I was happy for them.

The funny thing is, I feel better already....now that he is gone.

Dipti, you are so unbeleivable wonderful and strong. find your peace and don't let you WH take it away from you. again, i am very sorry for you pain. as for those nasty thoughts, acknowedlging is probable the best thing you can do, go see your mom and get a hug from her or from your friends. just take care of yourself. love to you, Karen