Since my husband left on Sunday evening I have been trying not to focus on him so much. It is so hard. I miss him so much and I still love him very deeply. Yes in my head I know that I need to focus on myself... But how do you do it?

Especially when you wake up each day to a empty bed... And a brokenheart. It's hard not to think about the fact that he didn't care enough to stay and work on our marriage. That he continues contact with the OW even though they both know it's wrong. It's hard when I know my kids are hurting over their selfishness.

My husband says things like worry about yourself... Focus on yourself.. Don't worry about me.. That bothers me... It's like he is saying don't worry about how much I am hurting and disrespecting you just get over it.

I feel broken... I feel like a failure... I feel unloved, worthless and don't see much of a life for me... Yes I know there are many women out there who are single mothers and make it.... But I don't want to be one of them...I don't want our children to be born in a broken home. And it really bothers me I was given a choice if I wanted to be married but wasn't given a choice if I want to be single again with small children.

Yes this week the kids and me have done a lot together... They have been a lot of my focus the last few days... But I still feel that hole in my heart... Late at night I fight my self and the movies that play in my head of him and her. I remember the good times... All the love I felt back then.. All the words he said to me.. To make me feel totally in love with him... Then I wonder how can you just turn that off and allow yourself to be tempted by another...

I hope he does come home one day... I don't know how I will handle the situation if my husband does divorce me and starts dating her. I know I can never accept her around my children... I know that it will be hard for me to get over if ever...

SML,

Who is taking care of your stepson. Does he live with you while his father is away?

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Especially when you wake up each day to a empty bed </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know if this is possible for you but it sure helped me a lot. I immediately stopped sleeping in our bed. It helps to wake up in a different room. First I slept in the guest bed room and now I sleep on the couch. I like the couch best helps my back.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband says things like worry about yourself </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When he says this to you babble back and say "I have been are you".... Confuse him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel broken... I feel like a failure... I feel unloved, worthless and don't see much of a life for me... Yes I know there are many women out there who are single mothers and make it.... But I don't want to be one of them </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stop it! Get out and get to work on yourself just like he doesn't exist. And as far as being a single mother are you kidding??!! Your 29!!! We're young, pleanty of time for us to move on. The trick is to start now. Don't get me wrong here I want my WS back. But only when she has decided to be a W again. And not one second before!

Tough Love + Self Respect = Happiness

If you start to show a little bit of this it will scare the crap out of him. Right now he doesn't believe that you can function without him. Your enabling the A when you let him think this.

Pick yourself up dust off and let him have it! You can do it!

C.

He is living at home with me... I do not feel it's a good idea to pull him out of his school he has been going to the last 4 years and away from his home he is use to. Also if my husband takes him we have no money to afford putting him into a after school daycare until he could pick him up after work...My husband is living with his sister ... Which is over a hour away from our home.

I don't show him as much as I should.. But I do love and care about him a lot.. And I think taking him away from our home will do more damage than good.

What really helped me was just considering that WH was gone and out of my life.

I got really busy cleaning the house spotless, rearranging things, painting, detailing the car, exercising, going out with friends, and just generally making my life much better.

These things helped raise my self-esteem, and let me deal with this situation in a more positive way.

It is very hard at first, but you just make yourself do what you need to do.

By the way, I admire you for keeping your step-son with you. That is a wonderful thing.

Hi SadMaryLady,

I am getting ready to join your club. My husband is to leave me this Sunday Night. He has been makeing preparation. Says he don't love me like he used to. Spent last Saturday Night with OW. I got real upset over that so I am letting him go. I am ready for plan B but don't know how I will cope. So if you need somebody to talk to, feel free. We could exchange e-mail. It is just an offer. I feel very lonely myself. Don't worry, I am not a psycho.

That's good. It must be incredibly difficult for this little boy to see his father (the only parent that he's known) walk away from him. I know that he is not your biological son, but you seem to care and love him a great deal. He is going to need you during this time.

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SadMarylandLady:
<strong> He is living at home with me... I do not feel it's a good idea to pull him out of his school he has been going to the last 4 years and away from his home he is use to. Also if my husband takes him we have no money to afford putting him into a after school daycare until he could pick him up after work...My husband is living with his sister ... Which is over a hour away from our home.

I don't show him as much as I should.. But I do love and care about him a lot.. And I think taking him away from our home will do more damage than good. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

SML and Genia

I think I might be joining your club too! My problem is that WH has agreed to NC and to try to work on the M, but he isn't really committed to it. I think he may have been with the OW last night. Either way, I think tonight may be the night he gives up and decides to leave. So I just might be joining your "club" too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Check this out.

Loving detachment is a healthy huge step in the right direction. What is says is "I may have been blind and blindsided, but now I see clearly what was obscured in the affair fog. I not only was involved in a catastrophe of unimaginable horror, but survived it.

But merely surviving is not good enough, for I refuse to be victimized and/or a bystander in my life any longer. I deserve to thrive in my life, so I will make the choices that will allow me the best opportunities to do that.

I will take each day as it comes, do the best I can in each moment with one foot firmly in the present and one foot heading for a great future. Every day I will do what I can when I can to make sure that happens, moment to moment.

I am not willing to handcuff someone to me to travel that life journey with me. If they choose to do so voluntarily, I expect the Golden Rule to be one of our main operating principles. I will not accept someone I am in a primary relationship with to make unilateral decisions that affect me.

I will not accept that I give or get less than I would want for myself or any loved one. The greatest gift one soul can give another is the one of themself, the gift of loving and being loved. I will not give or treat that privilege lighty when offered to me. It is too valuable, priceless because it is special and unique, to give or get yet waste it by not recognizing and acting on its full potential as well as its true reality.

Some may love with all they've got, but it may not be enough to be a healthy relationship. Some may love "too much" which is just as damaging in its own way.

I will focus on loving detachment in order for my partner and myself to have the best environment in which to grow and live in as healthy and successful manner as we deserve and need. It is not an option, it is a daily necessity.

I will love and be loved with the awareness that love is a decision and a privilege, not a cage of any type for either of us."

Beleiver,

That was very good. I hope we can all support each other through this time because it is a difficult step, one of beginning and uncertainty. It is not what any of us asked for, but God did say he would not lay on us more than we can bear. Let us look to God for our strength.

Genia - I have been going through this for 21 months. I am completely DONE with WH. I don't need him in my life anymore. I deserve better.

Beleiver,

Thanks in advance for any support you offer the three of us. Mine has not actually left yet but says he is moving out. He is doing stuff to prepare for the move. Getting car ready. Getting a place to stay, ect. It feels hard emotionally but not as hard as going through the crap he was putting me through I think.

<small>[ October 08, 2004, 01:51 PM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

Genia - Yes I will support you emotionally. When you realize what a good person you are and don't deserve this you will do much better.

Guys - My WH has been gone for almost 5 months and trust me you will get through it. There will horrible days but it does get better. Detachment is the only way to survive. Just like our WH needs to break the addiction of the OW, we need to break the addiction of being with our H's everyday in order to survive. In the beginning I rarely initiated the contact with my WH, I made him contact me. And he did, he rarely goes more then a day or two without contacting me. Also, I got busy - cleaning the house, walking the dogs, getting ready for the baby, going out with friends. Basically, I showed him that I would be going on with my life, with or without him. It appears to be working, I honestly believe my WH will be home someday soon, he has indicated as much to me. But more importantly I have gotten to the point that if he doesn't come home I will be alright. I know it will be his loss and he will be the one that will live to regret his decisions.

If I hadn't found this place and implemented the concepts I learned here, I don't think my M would have a chance. This has been the hardest thing I have ever been through, but I will come out of this a better stronger person.

Kloe72,

I like the way you talk. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Kloe is so right.

Since my H and I "temporarily separated" two months ago, I feel so much better. I had put my life on hold waiting for the baby to arrive or waiting for our marriage to be better before I took responsibility for my own happiness and fulfillment. As soon as I let go and stopped trying to fix my FWH or our marriage, I could relax and become me again. Accepting what I have control over and letting go of what I don't has been such a blessing.

I would prefer it if my H comes home and our marriage survives, but my self worth and happiness is not dependent on those things anymore.

FYI: in the last 9 days my H has spent the night 3 times and we are going on a date tomorrow.

SML,

I think that your pain is amplified by your pregnancy. You are so close now, and your emotions are just way more than they will be after the baby comes.

If you can find a away to get through the rest of this month, I believe that your whole outlook will change.

Also it is going to be good for you not to have so much contact with him so that you actually have a chance to detach a bit.

And you are tired out from your three yo and your step-son. I hope that after the baby comes you will have a chance to rest. That your family can take the kids and leave you with the baby alone for awhile.

You body needs a chance to rest as much as your mind does (and your heart).

I don't know how I got through my pregnancy when my ex was running around on me, but I do know that everything changed for me after she was born. It was like the light came on and that awful horrible cloud left.

Hang in there SML, you can get through this.

Weaver,
I am sure being this late in my pregnancy does not help my emotions. Plus the fact that I made my husband and my children my life the last seven years. I don't have any friends or really any hobbies.. Guess now is a good time to find some...

My family is wonderful I know that when the baby comes I will get a lot of support if I ask.. The problem with me is when I go through hard times or sad times.. I tend to shut down ... and push everyone away.

I keep thinking about my new baby. I can't wait to hold her and see what she looks like... The holidays are coming which is my favorite part of the year... Of course last year on Christmas Day is when I found out about the OW and everything...

My husband comes home tonight. I am a little scared. He is bascially only coming because he misses the kids.. I guess I really don't know how to act.... I miss him so much.. But if he comes home and rejects me it's like a punch in the face.. When he leaves Sunday it's like I have to live the pain of him leaving all over again.. This sucks..

I guess my plan for the weekend ... Is to be pleasant. Someone my husband would enjoy being around. I am sure he will expect me to be sad and constantly talking bout OW and the R. But I will try not to as much as it is bugging me.

SML - That is exactly what you need to do. Stay strong, we know you can do it. If you feel yourself slipping just walk out of the room, walk away. Or come here and post. It's suppose to be a beautiful weekend around here, maybe you guys can take the kids somewhere outside and enjoy the day.