I read on one post something about typical behavior of the offending spouse. I've been hit and miss with Plan A so far (I need to read more posts) and most of my misses have been due to my wife's reactions since D-day. I expect remorse, appology- I get blame, indifference- I react and move everything backwards. I think if I could understand what to expect from her, I could keep better control. Is there somewhere on the site or in the posts that goes over what to expect from her and how best to react? Also, is there a list of abbreviations used in the posts somewhere?

You can find the abbreviations here...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=000557

Expect from very little to nothing from your WW. Expect to have her act in ways that provoke you to be angry. Expect her to say things that feel like a pitchfork to the heart. Expect her to be very confused about who she loves, and how much. Expect her to act like the aliens have abducted her, and someone on the mothership is playing with her brain.

Expect that every angry thing you say and do will push her to the other man. Expect her provocations to make you angry as "scripted" behavior, because when you get mad, the OM (other man) looks like the better choice. Expect her to do and say anything to justify her choice to have an affair.

Expect her to forsake all friends, family, including your own children, and especially you for this affair. She is living in what we call the FOG, and is incapable of anything but her own selfish desires.

Now, what you need to do... Purchase and read Surviving an Affair, by Willard Harley, founder of this site. Stop issuing LoveBuster's (LB's) to her, and be the kindest, most caring individual you have ever been to her. Look in the mirror HARD, and through some serious introspection, decide what behaviours of yours NEED to be changed PERMANENTLY in how you treat and interact with your W (wife) and change them NOW.

Learn about Plan A, from the website, starting at the home page, until you get the book. Do little or nothing regarding your relationship until you've read the book. It is a tried and true plan for how to Survive an Affair.

Lastly, look into seeing a Dr. and getting some AD's. This is a long and emotional journey, and the AD's can give you balance and stifle your emotions somewhat, allowing you to deal with this through your brain, instead of your heart. Big difference. This is an intellectual path, and keeping it that way saves you from a lot of hurt.

Get busy. Remember, words will get you nowhere ACTIONS will make all the difference in the world.

Best wishes

SD

<small>[ October 08, 2004, 01:56 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Thanks, that helped. I'm slowly learning that most of the time I need to do the opposite of what I fell like doing. I need to go thru & find more posts on FOG. My wife is definitely still in it & in withdrawal emotionally with me. Thanks again for the insight.

Dizzy

Even if you haven't read a book in 10 years, I guarantee you reading Surviving an Affair will help you with your perspective in all of this. Marriage Builders saved my marriage, and my FWW was as fogged out as yours.

Post here with questions and concerns. Many people here have been there, done that, and will help you through this.

You have to believe it will work, and then it most likely will!

SD

Dizzy-

Personally I'd like to know more about your spouse's behavior before saying what to expect. Is she still in the A? If so, how long has it been and what's the situation with that? If not, is she willing to work on relationship? Do you live together still?

As a FWW, I was am SO willing to work on my marriage. I'm waiting for my H to be ready. I ended A (it was a one-night thing with my exBF)right away. I screwed up at first by trying to explain to him that my emotional needs weren't being met...that DIDN"T fly with him cause he is focused on the A...not what what going on before. When I read more posts and asked for more advice from MBers, I realized what I was doing wrong. I wasn't trying to blame him, but he definitely took it that way, and I can certainly see how he took it that way.

If it's possible to do so, post more information about your situation...you can get more specific advice, I think.

Good luck---keep posting/reading. I agree with others...read Surviving an Affair. MY BH read it and felt like the book was blaming him for the affair...so I guess everybody will get something different out of it. I'm hopeful that even if he doesn't like some of the message in the book, he might be willing to try the advice for a better relationship. We had so many problems before and didn't know how to deal with them...I think the end of the book has some great advice too.

rae

I have read about half of the book. I stopped in the middle because it goes into rebuilding and I don' thtink we are there yet. Here's the background, I'll try to keep it short. D-day was last month Sept 17th. We've been married 19 years next month (Nov 2nd). 3 kids- 18-14-9. Our relationship has been not great for a long time. We'd both become complacent, or so I thought. She obviously was more than complacent. Once it was out in the open i ttook me about 2 days to realize I wanted her back. It was a complete shock to me but was also a wakeup call that things were worse for her than I thought. I went through the "normal" emotions & responses- anger, extreme hurt, loss of trust, etc. They say that an earthquake is the worst natural disater to experience because we all expect that the groud is always stable. I think this betrayal is emotionally comparable. Since D-day, I have been trying to control the emotion and especially the anxiety. She doesn't know what she wants but doesn't believe there is any way to have a good marraige. We married because she was pregnant after dating only 3 months. She was 23, I was 27. She feels like her youth was taken away. She has felt like this is the reason for her unhappiness and that love is something that you just feel. I believe that even though we didn't start under perfect circumstances, that people can learn to love each other especially with a 19 year history. She doesn't buy this and thinks you have to have the "chemistry". So she is not really thinkng that it's possible to do any thing to make our relationship better. I've told her that if unhappiness is based on getting married too young, then there is no way to go back & change history so we are doomed. Her confusion now is whether to stay in an unhappy relationship for the kids & because of the downside of divorce or to go ahead & divorce to go look for the fairy tale. I don't think she belives yet that there is an option to make a new life which I very much belive. In a nutshell, she is afraid to divorce because she doesn't belive in herself enough to think she can make it on her own and she doesn't want to remain unhappy in the marraige. She says she fells trapped. I had my first session with Steve last week & he said to see if she could just agree that we should explore whether there might be a way to change or marriage, not to try to push anything on her. We are still together which I am hanging onto as a good sign. We have been sleeping in seperate bedrooms because she can't get intimate with me right now. I know there has been at least one contact (phone) with the OM since D-day. It is a long distance thing. I know from snooping in her calendar (yes, I said I've been through all the normal reactions) that he is going to be back in this state next week & I suspect that she has plans to meet him. She knows for the last 2 days that I suspect this but I've tried not to keep forcing the issue. I'm just waiting to see what happens. I'll know if they get together. She's not the greatest at covering her tracks. Since I've told her my suspcions, she has gone back into that agitated mode that, looking back, she's always gotten into when she knows there was a meeting planned. 20/20 hindsight. So much for keeping this short. There's so much more. I really appreciate the prompt replies and when I get through this I want to return the favor to future hurting people. Any advice for the coming week & how to handle what may happen is much appreciated.

Dizzy-

Well, I really can't address the issue of dealing with her possible rendevous with OM. I was on the giving end of the pain, after all. Others can help MUCH better than me.

However, I can advise you to be as loving as you possibly can be with her. You two have a history...there's a reason you stayed together for so long...not just the kids either.

Have you perhaps asked HER to read the book? Finish it...b/c if your W doesn't want to read it, you can drop some hints as to HOW to begin to work things out. After all that you wrote, it seems that one thing that's bothering her and that she's confused about is that she doesn't know HOW to fix things. She doesn't know where to begin.

The chemistry can come back! Sounds like there's some resentment for the unexpected pregnancy.

Use what's important to her to help her see that it can work.

Rae

Thanks Rae- especially your last suggetion. I've given her a little to read & asked her to do the EN & LB questionaires but she hasn't been too interested so I haven't pushed. I think you're right about the resentment. I think that has been there towards me for most of our marriage & something she's never dealt with inside herself.

<small>[ October 10, 2004, 01:29 PM: Message edited by: Dizzybynow ]</small>

bump

bump

I have read about half of the book. I stopped in the middle because it goes into rebuilding and I don' thtink we are there yet. Here's the background, I'll try to keep it short. D-day was last month Sept 17th. We've been married 19 years next month (Nov 2nd). 3 kids- 18-14-9. Our relationship has been not great for a long time. We'd both become complacent, or so I thought. She obviously was more than complacent. Once it was out in the open i ttook me about 2 days to realize I wanted her back. It was a complete shock to me but was also a wakeup call that things were worse for her than I thought. I went through the "normal" emotions & responses- anger, extreme hurt, loss of trust, etc. They say that an earthquake is the worst natural disater to experience because we all expect that the groud is always stable. I think this betrayal is emotionally comparable. Since D-day, I have been trying to control the emotion and especially the anxiety. She doesn't know what she wants but doesn't believe there is any way to have a good marraige. We married because she was pregnant after dating only 3 months. She was 23, I was 27. She feels like her youth was taken away. She has felt like this is the reason for her unhappiness and that love is something that you just feel. I believe that even though we didn't start under perfect circumstances, that people can learn to love each other especially with a 19 year history. She doesn't buy this and thinks you have to have the "chemistry". So she is not really thinkng that it's possible to do any thing to make our relationship better. I've told her that if unhappiness is based on getting married too young, then there is no way to go back & change history so we are doomed. Her confusion now is whether to stay in an unhappy relationship for the kids & because of the downside of divorce or to go ahead & divorce to go look for the fairy tale. I don't think she belives yet that there is an option to make a new life which I very much belive. In a nutshell, she is afraid to divorce because she doesn't belive in herself enough to think she can make it on her own and she doesn't want to remain unhappy in the marraige. She says she fells trapped. I had my first session with Steve last week & he said to see if she could just agree that we should explore whether there might be a way to change or marriage, not to try to push anything on her. We are still together which I am hanging onto as a good sign. We have been sleeping in seperate bedrooms because she can't get intimate with me right now. I know there has been at least one contact (phone) with the OM since D-day. It is a long distance thing. I know from snooping in her calendar (yes, I said I've been through all the normal reactions) that he is going to be back in this state next week & I suspect that she has plans to meet him. She knows for the last 2 days that I suspect this but I've tried not to keep forcing the issue. I'm just waiting to see what happens. I'll know if they get together. She's not the greatest at covering her tracks. Since I've told her my suspcions, she has gone back into that agitated mode that, looking back, she's always gotten into when she knows there was a meeting planned. 20/20 hindsight. So much for keeping this short. There's so much more. I really appreciate the prompt replies and when I get through this I want to return the favor to future hurting people. Any advice for the coming week & how to handle what may happen is much appreciated.

^