I've been reading about how most people having affairs don't really want to divorce S, but aren't having needs met, so want to keep A as well. My WS left 7/4/04. If WS says wants divorce and has attorney drawing up papers, and has already started getting some things out of the house, doesn't this mean that he really does want a divorce and really doesn't want to be w/ S? I realize there is fog thinking and all, but how do you handle this? When WS first left, he was angry, frustrated, blaming me entirely for ruining marriage. I believe one of our biggest problems was lack of good communication, which led to problems w/ sex life, which basically became non-existent over a year and a half b/c neither of us thought the other wanted it. We just never really talked about it b/c we were both afraid of rejection. He told me I needed to get "fixed" before we could talk about counseling together, and I didn't do anything b/c I believed we needed counseling together before anything else. So, int he end, nothing was done. He is now with the WS of a couple who were friends of ours (may not be actually living together but is with her at work, on business trips, and at her house a lot). Her S has moved out, and they are currently sharing custody of their child. Anyway, my WS will not admit an affair, but said that he loved her and that they were seeing eachother, but it was no big relationship, not like boyfriend or girlfriend. HA. He wants to be friends with me and says that should be easy, b/c we were only friends the last 2 years of our marriage anyway. So, he wanted me to have the separation agreement papers by the third week of August 2004 and wanted to be done w/ them by end of September. At this point, I have yet to see the papers, and understand that the attorneys are the ones who are not done yet, as he is still pushing for divorce/separation asap. He wanted us to decide how to separate property and then just tell the lawyers what to put in the agreement. This was just too much, too soon for me, so I told him just to put whatever he thought was fair in the agreement, and then I would go over it, with a lawyer. But, he keeps trying to get me to agree to things w/out actually seeing a written agreement, and says I am just stalling by not making a decision. He keeps saying, you don't want to be doing this over the holidays do you? I don't want to be doing this at all, but so far, I haven't had much choice in the matter. So, I'm going to try plan A, without talking a lot about the relationship, just being nice and moving on w/ making myself a better, stronger person for whatever happens. But, is it realistic to believe in saving the marriage, when WS has moved out, says he's moved on, and keeps saying he's going to get the papers to me asap?

Thanks for any advice!

I know someone whose H convinced her that it would be cheaper if they used the same lawyer. She got screwed-royally. He had money she had no idea existed. He walked away with over 75% of the assets and on top of that, she paid some of his debt. Find your own lawyer and don't fall for these tactics. Who cares if it is not settled until after the holidays...it won't change anything. I'd be very weary of this push to settle. Something's amiss....

JPH - Thanks for the advice. I do intend to have my own attorney. The settlement he has mentioned seems almost fair, based on what I know of our finances, but I do know there are one or two things that he has not talked about. So, based on this, do you think all the talk of divorce is just fog talk, or does this make it seem as if he really is through w/ our marriage?

Thanks again!

There is definitely an affair going on. It is typical that they deny this. Does the OW's husband know?

Stay in Plan A. Don't sign anything and try to stall the divorce.

Just remember that a divorce is just a piece of paper......were you married when you fell in love..NO......It is all bull****...Yeah,Yeah,Yeah.......act as if...

<small>[ October 10, 2004, 09:07 AM: Message edited by: frankd ]</small>

I will try to Plan A as much as possible, and will just have to wait and see what happens w/ the agreement papers. I just have to think that maybe his pushing the separation agreement means he is beyond any reconciliation. I also keep hearing about exposing the affair to friends, family, work, etc. My family knows, the OW's husband knows, the OW's family knows (as far as I know), and a few of our friends know, although David has never admitted it. I told them. Re: his family, they have to know something is going on, but I am not sure what kind of spin my WH has put on it, since he is now so good at lying and rewriting our history. Also, people at his work do not officially know, although I have to think that they must know something is up, as WH and OW have been sharing an office for a long time and I'm sure wind up going to lunch together a lot, etc. But, once again, if they both claim that it is just business, what can they do? I do know that the OW has not told anyone that she and her H are separated. I am considering exposing the affair to his work and family, but don't know a good way to do it that won't cause irreparable damage to what's left of our relationship. Any ideas?