I'm just writing this to update everyone. I had been doing MBing (FAM_MAN)for months and speaking with Dr. Harley. Up until the day I told the OM's wife and set events in motion I still can't believe. I think my wife's drinking and affair was just to much to fix. Here is my story.

I have had a roller coaster of a couple of years. I'm dad to a 11 year old son who is deaf and a 10 year old daughter. My Soon To Be Ex Wife's(STBEXW) drinking had been getting worse for years and then in July 2003 I found out she was having an affair. After the initial shock, I tried very hard to keep the family together. When STBEXW declined to attend counseling together, I attended myself. When she refused to discuss her drinking, I started attending Al Anon. When she could not stop drinking and driving with the kids, I changed my work schedule to be home whenever the kids needed to be driven. STBEXW's family was also extremely concerned about her drinking and her mixing of anti-depressant/anti-panic attack meds with alcohol. Through all this, I did a lot of self examination and worked to improve myself.
One night, after STBEXW had 2 bottles of wine and passed out. My wife was angry with me that night and I decided to take a big step I had been avoiding for months. I called her boyfriend’s wife and calmly let her know about the affair hoping to put pressure on it from that side. STBEXW's boyfriend has some kind of a past and has changed his name. His vehicle showed up at the end of our driveway 15 minutes after the call and was slowly inching down the 400’ driveway. I had no idea what he was going to do so I sent the kids into the basement tried to get my wife up to go with them. I got the pistol out my wife had me purchase and set it unloaded on the counter while I observed the car with binoculars.
The vehicle continued down the driveway for a while until it sped in reverse, turned and sped away. I went back in the bedroom where STBEXW was still passed out and said that SOB was in the driveway. I then went out by the kids to comfort them. When she came out, I handed her the phone and asked her to call him and find out why he was in the driveway. She walked back into the bedroom with the phone. Shortly after her boyfriends wife calls me and says it was her in the driveway and that she wanted to see my wife’s face. I felt safer and I laid the kids down to bed. The gun remained unloaded on the counter. I went outside to put my car in the garage and I seen a person with a flashlight running at me. I thought it was the boyfriend and jumped out of the car. I was then tackled by 5-6 police officers, who broke my leg and took me to jail. My had wife went to the bedroom and called the police. That night my wife gave a disjointed police statement and I gave a precise 7 page statement. That saved my butt as I was charged only with disorderly conduct but ordered to stay away from my house. I filed for divorce and my wife then took out a domestic abuse restraining order against and claimed I was in the bedroom with her and the kids, waving a loaded gun around and threatening to kill her. She also came up with 26 other accusations. While I probably loved my wife too much and tried to keep the family together to hard, because of what she has done I have lost all feelings for my wife. At least any I’m aware of. I don’t harbor anger because it could consume me and because I believe most of what went on is a symptom of her alcoholism.
I was now out of our home and could only have supervised visitation with our kids, of which STBEXW was doing everything she could do to interfere with. From looking at the cases of other men in this situation it did not look good for me. I thought everyone would shun me. Instead the opposite happened and almost everyone I knew, once they heard the story supported me. This included most of my wife’s family. They forced my wife into an alcohol assessment and talked to the DA which made it possible for me not to have to go to trial. Luckily the charges STBEXW made could be exposed as lies and after a 3 month legal effort, testimony by her family, testimony by the officers who arrested me and a huge investigation by the kids lawyer, my wife was ordered out of the house and I was given primary custody of the kids. When I got back in the house, my son had serious anxiety problems. But I worked with him on that through the summer and he has really made progress. I’m now enjoying life with our kids who are doing well and in the house I built for them.

I have a couple questions:
1. The kids want to have friends over, just day visits for now, possibly overnight. I do inform the friends parents that we are separated and there is no mom here. The parents have been accepting of this situation. I’m undecided about two things 1. should I tell the parents the details I just listed here and should I allow the kids to have friends overnight with no mom here? I’m concerned if I don’t tell, they may hear parts of the story and think their kids are with a maniac.

2. I have met a woman through friends several months ago. She lost her daughter and husband in separate accidents several years ago. She has 3 sons at home that she is doing a good job raising. However, one son, while its seems he has a good heart, gets in his share of trouble and is a challenge for his Mom. We have known each other for several months now. We are friends whose only physical contact consists of hugs and we provide each other adult companionship on a level that doesn’t seem to occur with our same sex friends. We go for an occasional lunch or drive and I think we both want to avoid taking things further for now. I try to look through the immediate problems we discuss and its seems like we share the same views on kids, relationships, etc. I’m worried though if there are problems with friendships that involve two people leaning on each other like we do. I’m also concerned about if for some reason our friendship fades if she would feel more loss. We both thoroughly enjoy talking and being there for each other. Any advice on this would be appreciated.

3. I believe her son and mine would get along well, does anyone see anything wrong in introducing them?

Sorry about the long post and thank you in advance for any advice.

BCD,

It is truely ashame that it has come to this. However, I think you need to remember you are still married. So this "friend" needs to stay just that. Further, while it is good that you have the same values in rearing children that she does, that is not enough. You and I probably have the same values, but I am a guy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Do you see my point. As for introducing the children, I would speak to a counselor about that. I don't know if there is an age difference or not, but if you are thinking that your son will help keep her son out of trouble, then I think you are wrong. If anything it will go the other way.

Talk with people at school, clergyman/woman, counselor and discuss this. As for the "friendship" be very careful right now. You and she are very vulnerable at this point and both have suffered big loses. I am not saying there is not a future, but wait until you are a single man, OK?

THose are my thoughts. I am sure others will be along to offer more and probably better.

God Bless,

JL

I would concur. Keep it as just friends for now.
Wait until you are single, then you can decide what you want to do.
In the bigger scope of things, it's really only a short period to wait and in the end you'll be able to hold your head up high and know when you look in the mirror, that you did things the right way.

Thank you for your advice. I am trying to gauge each move I make as to not hurt the kids or my friend. The kids have done better than I hoped, in part because I'm focused on doing what is right for them. Being a single dad is a lot of work but the rewards are great. Seeing my efforts help the kids makes feel better about myself as a person and a father.

The friends son I'd like to introduce to my son is 9 and well behaved.

I also know things are too soon for a relationship. I'm just trying to figure out if the type of platonic friendship I have with my friend that is a girl, is something to put the brakes on also.

Your children have and are still going through a traumatic, life shattering experience. You and your wife were there entire universe and now that universe is badly shaken and split.

They need you alone with just them for awhile. To bring a woman into their lives right now would hurt them, and bring the fear that they might lose you as they have lost the family as they knew it. You need to reestablish a safe and stable single parent family for your children right now, it is very important for their sense of family and safety that you will always be there for THEM.

As for letting your DD have overnights at your house, I would not do that either right now if I were you. Unless the parents of the children staying over are very good friends or family members of yours. This is to protect you, not the children.

My DD's dad would not allow overnights at his home until he remarried except for family members because of possible false accusations or misinterpretations.

Good luck BCD, and bless you!

bcd

being a mum I know how much kids love having friends stay over. Usually no harm, however in your case with issues of custody still to be finally decided at divorce I presume, then you need to be extra careful.

But there is a way with alittle bit of lateral thinking here. You mentioned her family fully supported you because of the kids etc so prhaps the kids grandma or Aunt could stay a weekend night or something like that so there would be a female adult in the home???

Just a thought as there might be a way to give your kids that bit of joy.

As for the new friend, perhaps discuss it with a childrens counsellor or childhood professional about what is best here re contact etc.
However one little warning...I'm not sure if you have a daughter or not, but girls are VERY possessive of dad in these situations and you have to be very patient and be careful of being affectionate around them....from personal experience
my own feeling would be to play it slow & steady get the dv out of the way & see how it all goes.
As for the risk of being hurt, of course there is a risk, thers a risk of this in any relationship, M or otherwise.
be honest, be kind, be gentle and be firm on your boundaries, what else can you do any relationship? If it ever goes further then that will be both your choices at that time.
Good luck on the future

With the help of your input I have been thinking. I am enjoying life and the kids are doing well. I've identified some of my shortcomings as a father through plan A and this whole process. As a result I do spend more time with and focus on the kids more. I chaparoned for my Ds class camping trip and it was good to see she was interacting well with me in front of her friends instead of trying to keep me hidden. Thats something I appreciate. All 3 of us went through hell but appear to have come out better on the other side.

With the positive results of my attention to the kids, the issues that were raised here about me being vunerable in a relationship this early and the kids being jealous of a girl friend, I know I need to establish a boundary and not turn my friend who is a girl into a girlfriend for the forseeable future. Any thoughts as to whether its realistic to continue a friendship of the type I have without it becoming a physical relationship or having her build up expectations of that? Should I discuss this with her? Maybe she has no intentions of getting physical anyway? Maybe I should show her this thread. Life is getting simpler, I can see how this could complicate things again.

At times I miss someone to hold, kiss and make love to. But I've learned to be happy without it and I don't want to throw another change into the kids lives. The thought of WW having someone for the last 2-3 years and me not has crossed my mind but I don't dwell on it. WW obviously violated her vows. I sat down with the kids and told our family has changed and about the DV. I didn't put any dates on it and they likely think it has happened already. All excuses to jump into a relationship, but I'm learning a lot more reasons not to.

Thank you again.