Do any other BS feel frustrated by the waiting? I know WH is in a fog. I can even sympathize to some extent. But for crying out loud!

This sitting on the fence. No communication unless about DD12 and I sit here wondering what the he!! is going on! I don't know if he is thinking about anything let alone about what his next steps will be. He is a conflict avoider and I am a confronter so this is driving me loopy. I want to shake him! I think that is why I emailed the LB letter that I posted a couple of days ago.

Any insight as to what is on the minds of FWS during this stage? Since I am in a different city at the moment, I can't "see" what he is doing. My "friend" emailed me to say she knows now that there is no one else. But, she won't tell me how she knows! HUH?

I am crashing between sheer hopelessness and suspicion and that "feeling" that no news is good news. BLECH!

Plan A'ing mostly but thinking what the heck, we are already in Plan B according to him.

Your on the rollercoaster and you are getting tired of it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is a conflict avoider and I am a confronter so this is driving me loopy. I want to shake him! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've got the exact same situation.Whatever you do resist the urge to "straighten him out". This will not be productive.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Any insight as to what is on the minds of FWS during this stage? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. But if we told you we sould have to kill you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Sorry just trying to cheer you up. It's impossible to tell what they are thinking because their brains are so fogged and scrambled up. Even if you knew exactly what he was thinking it wouldn't make any difference because it is all part of a fantasy that the BS has no control over.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan A'ing mostly but thinking what the heck, we are already in Plan B according to him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Rest assured that you are NOT in plan B. If you were you would not be having a conversation with him about it. Plan B is determined by you and he has no control over it. WS's don't get to tell BS's when plan B starts or ends. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> They only get to deal with the repercussions of their childish actions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Keep on reading and posting. It will get better as time goes on. Work on yourself and use your nervous energy for positive changes in yourself. Take care.

God Bless,

C.

Thank you Shmaley. It's a good thing that I am going to the Dr's tomorrow to get some ADs. I just can't seem to get my thoughts together. I am in a fog of my own.

The frustration is also caused by my doubts. I feel there is an EA perhaps PA but no proof. However the only person who says that is not the case is my "friend" whose house he lives in. Even though I don't "think" that he would do anything with her, I can't be sure. She is actually acting like his surrogate wife right now. He does chores around the house, She cooks for him, etc They go out soically and do sports togetherwith her, and her partner who also lives there, too. So, I am trying to not blow things out of the water by accusing anyone without some proof. BUt this feels like torture. FIM gave good advice as well telling me to breathe. ANd I have started this weekend to do little things for myself. But Plan A'ing with no communication of any kind from him does not feel possible.

He is coming over next weekend. So I can do Plan A in person. But, he is then away at sea until just before Christmas. In that time, I will be in limited email contact. BUt, at the same time, I will try to sell our house and move back to the same city. Won't he be surprised? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I have told him that I am moving back, but I don't think he believes that.

I hate making snap decison but I feel forced to act on some of them. He hates our financial situation so much, that selling the house is the good thing to do. We will make a profit and be debt free as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> So, I guess that is a Plan A thing to do.

BS 53
WH 43
DD12
EA Summer 2001
D-Day Sep 2001
False Recovery Oct 2001
2nd D-day D-Day Sep 2004
Limited Plan A'ing because of NC by WH for most part.

Don't take my words as the end all be all of everything, but I'd be wary of your 'friend'
More than a little bit concerned....

Thanks TT. I must be naive. I just didn't think of that as a possibility. Still have a hard time imagining it. EEEWWWW!!! She has a good heart, and I thought integrity but int he looks department UH NO......

Nuts! Now I have something else to freak out about. Sigh! Does this EVER end? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I have absolutely no way of finding out at this point. If my newest suspicions turn out to be untrue, this would be the final straw. But it would be a HUGE LB if it was false.

I think I will keep my suspicions on this side of the water until I am moved back there.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I feel like this is too sleazy to even contemplate. And I am not a prude by any means. It is just so outside my boundaries.

BS 53
WH 43
DD12
1st EA Summer 2001
D-Day Sep 2001
Recovery? Oct 2001
2nd D-day September 2004
Plan A/B who knows? Still to fresh.

Don't accuse him of anything right now. It would only hurt your side, and what would he say anyway? Of course he would deny it.
Of course, there could be nothing going on.
The only things I think about in this case is,

If she's your friend, why is she helping your
husband do something that is hurting you?

How does she KNOW that nothing is going on?

In what ways do you know for sure that she's
trying to help you two get back together?

TTSI: Your questions:
If she's your friend, why is she helping your husband do something that is hurting you?
I don't know. Perhaps because he is living there and is lonely? And they have become friends - the 3 of them.I was the one that asked to if he could board with her and her H

How does she KNOW that nothing is going on?
This one is driving me nuts? HOW could she KNOW for sure? Unless he said someting to her but that is NOT proof! She knows he has lied about stuff to me in the past. Hey! Maybe he is having "problems" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I belive he is in a MLC right now. But if there are "problems" I doubt he would share such an intimate thing with her! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

In what ways do you know for sure that she's
trying to help you two get back together?
Well, a couple of things. I have talked to her about our situation over the last weeks and
1. She suggested that when I return to that city, that they kick him out to force him to come home and work things out because she and her H think WH is in turtle mode. i.e not doing anything but "wallowing" and not facing issues that he might be having.
2. Both her and her H tell me together and separately that they think that my MLC/WH? is still in love with me but just depressed.

On another thread someone was saying that their H is in a MLC EA with himself. That sounds possible too. You know, that I need to be me. I need to be number 1 YADA YADA.

I think I am now a split personality. THere are too many vaiables. I can't seem to get a handle on anything.

BTW I just finished reading Your Story. How are you doing?

"Tough times never last, but tough people do." - Robert Schuller

I can definitely relate to trying to deal with too many variables.. they can drive you crazy.

I think it's a good thing that you have reasonable answers to those questions. Now, if you had all "I don't know" answers, I would be more suspect, and I'm sure you would be as well.
I know it's easy to say, but try not to drive yourself crazy with all the possibilites. One thing I have learned myself is to let things unfold. They always do. Truth always has a good track record of finding you.

Thanks for reading my situation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I'm doing as well as I can I suppose. Right now there is not much else for me to do at this point except to sit and watch and wait. Not something I am acustomed to, as I'm more of a doer, but it's all I have left right now.

I can relate. I am a definite "doer"!

SEMI OT - Have you ever hear of the Keirsey temperament test? It is very helpful in letting you see how and why you react a certain way to situations. I am a "field marshall" type. In charge person, love challenges, VERY goal driven, etc. Knowing that I am like that, lets me recognize certain patterns of behaviour and put the brakes on when my first reaction is to feel attacked and overreact.

I actually have taken that test before,
I was classified as a "Guardian"
Ironic though, as I'm seen as having a
rescuer complex. Always trying to rescue my W.

Guardian? Ah that does explain a lot. They are "rescuers" but in a good way.

This is the quote off the site "They are proud of themselves in the degree they are reliable in action, respect themselves in the degree they do good deeds, and feel confident of themselves in the degree they are respectable. In search of security as they are the "Security Seeking Personality" -- trusting in legitimacy and hungering for membership. They are usually stoical about the present, pessimistic about the future, fatalistic about the past, and their preferred time and place is the past and the gateway. Educationally they go for commerce, avocationally for regulations, and vocationally for materiel work. They tend to be enculturating as parents, helpmates as spouses, and conformity oriented as children."
Sound like you? So the rescuer part fits right in as it is something that you need for your own self respect. The line is that you must not be an "enabler" My H is one as well. And his past relationship had some really destructive elements because the OP was an addict, had been abused and in turn abused their son. But, he kept trying to rescue her at the cost of his happiness. He was really burned emotrionally. And that is so unlike me.

Hey! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Maybe he expects or needs that kind of treatment from me. Perhaps that is part of the problem. I am rarely the needy type. I am the "strong" one. I do what I think is right come heck or high water.

HHMM that is something I will need to think about and discuss with my IC.

Ahh I just want to sleep! But my mind cannot stop. I am exhausted but that darn brain won't slow down. I see there is plenty of company so I guess I am not the only one.

Okay, I need to VENT!!!!
Now, I am really comsumed with suspicion about something that I cannot do or change anything about. My DD came home and said that WH gave my "friend" a silk kimono for her birthday that he got in Japan on his deployment. HUH??? That is what I got last month when he got home. WTH? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

It could be nothing, (Me praying) but it seems very inappropriate. At the very least, tacky. EEWWW! It had better not be the same as mine! Boy it is a good thing that it is too late and phone because I know I would be laying a major LB on him!

I am ready to go over there and throw down. Well, since I don't EVER fight, that won't happen. But if I did, this would be me the Very annoyed wife ready to take some action. I am not sure who I am more ticked off with.

I have been playing some what ifs in my mind. What if I went over there and brought all his stuff home? What if I went over there and just stayed in the same house. HAH! Realizing of course that I will not do any of that. BUt, I think at the least I would get some kind of reaction which is more than I am seeing these days of NC by his choice. WHich makes me realize that I am more PO'd with him. He will not talk to me. And that avoidance SOOOOO Pushes my buttons. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Okay I am going to take some deep breaths. In with the good out with the bad.

Hi fightingalone-again...

While reading your posts, a quote came to mind. "Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer". ("Enemy" would be you, IF something is going on with your friend).

I am wondering about your friend also, and have a few questions...

How do you communicate with her? Email only?

How often do you two communicate?

How much of your situation do you tell her?

When your friend said she *knows* that there is no one else, **HOW** does she know that, and **WHAT** was her reason for not telling you how she *knows* this?

I don't want to cause you more distress, I just find the situation questionable.

Isleepwithacat
Isleepwithacat@yahoo.com

Hi, ISleepwithacat.
To answer your questions:
How do you communicate with her? Email only?
-Nope, we call each other. She is not a really close friend. She was a colleague for 14 years and we socialized somewhat. When she is in town, we get together for coffee. My daughter is friends with her daughter, too.

How often do you two communicate?
-Once a week sometimes more. When I call my WH, it is her house so if she answers, I say hi and shoot the breeze

How much of your situation do you tell her? Obviously to flippin' much <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> She has always supported me. Both this time and last.

When your friend said she *knows* that there is no one else, **HOW** does she know that, and **WHAT** was her reason for not telling you how she *knows* this?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> That is what is ticking me right off! I sent her an email asking exactly that. But she asked me to send it to her work email. I called her today to wish her a Happy Birthday. I mentioned quite calmly that her response had upset me. Abd, that I had questions for her about that. Her response was to say that she owuld get to it in a couple of days as she gets so many emails. Which is true. But...Priorities shouldn't this be one ???

If there is nothing going on, I could really damage not only our relationship, but even worse, my WH's and my chance of reconciliation. So, I am treading very lightly. But not forgetting any of my suspicions. She has an awful lot to lose if she is involved. My concern is more that she might be getting her ENs met by my H than by her H who is truly a jerk. And my H normally is not. He is handsome and funny and is a great cook, cleans house does thoughtful things etc. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> He is my H! No one cuts my grass without major repercussions!

Okay, I am breathing. I am calm. See the dilemma? He is living there. He doesn't pay rent because of our financial situation. They have let him live mostly rent free in exchange for helping out. Which is very kind and caring.

So, I know I have to tread very carefully. Because if I anger H or her, and H has to move before I get there, he will move someplace where I have no access to him. I will not be able to get him to move back in with us.

Prior to this weekend, my friend and her H agreed to let me pick up his things when I got settled and take them to our new place. And they agreed to officially kick him out. A little tough love, so to speak. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So, I am currently worrying myself to death about this. My WH is coming home for the weekend so I will ask some innocent <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> questions to try to get a feel for this.

I feel like screaming! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Alright, There is definitely something funny going on there. I'm not going to say that they have an affair or something, because without proof, who really knows.
The part about blowing off your email for a 'couple days' is really telling.
I doubt she has any intention of answering those questions.

Hi, Guardian. Well, I am not too worried about her ignoring me for too long (I say smugly like a cat with a canary) I am a formidable woman when I am protecting me and mine. She knows me well enough to know that I will drive the 1.5 hrs, then take a ferry for another 1.5 hrs and then another 40 minute drive to her house to get her to talk to me... I will!

This is also a test of my suspicions as well. If she won't answer HOW she knows, then I will go to her H. Of course, I will wait until my H is at sea (which is Monday for 3 weeks)

By the way, during my call to her today, I, oh so casually mentioned that I would see her very soon as I had a couple of interviews coming up over there. Me, oh so casually assuming I would be staying at her house in my H's room. Me so casually planning to search his room (not said outloud <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

HAH! Hey, I AM a Field Marshall <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Logistics, planning, all my strong suits. SHe won't know what hit her. But I am playing things VERY close to the chest. I am planning strategy. THis forum does a reality check for me because everyone give great advice and feedback. This makes sure that I have all my bases covered and that I am not just some crazy paranoid bi%ch.

Like I have said, I only suspect an A. I could be all wrong and it might be an MLC. So, I know I have to tread very very softly and carry an huge plank! Just in case.

Oh, I read my post and it sounds like I plan to expose the suspected EA/PA to her H. Not so. That would be very self-destructive. I have no proof.
Also my H is coming home for the weekend. And I plan on getting to the bottom of this. I haven't decided yet which is the best way to ask about what He might have told her.

Hey, maybe just ask? What do you think? Considering his state of mind, that could be very risky. Suggestions? He is in a fog. Don't know if it is depression, coupled with an EA/PA or coupled with an MLC. But he is definitely depressed.

My previous experiences and from what just about everyone else has posted here about confronting H is that he will most likely deny. Don't accuse anyone until proof is had.
Then, confront and offer forgiveness and the opportunity for him to return to you (If that is what you still wish for at that point)
Then, if he does not return home after a period of time, expose to everyone. That includes the squirrel in your tree.

TTSI: The squirrel in my tree? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
I have never heard that before! Does that mean the same as tell "everyone and their dog?"

Sorry, I laughed my face off... Picturing me, shuffling into the backyard and standing there talking to a tree because no one can see the squirrel.

Update on the "friend saga. Sigh. She hasn't responded. Cr@p! She hasn't explained her original words. I am trying very hard to wait at least another day. But, I did send her another email,Subject: Test? Saying that a friend had offered a possible "strange" reason for her lack of response but that I didn't believe them because she is my friend. THat should get her thinking.

I can hardly wait until Friday night. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> My WH is coming home, and I will ask him what is up with her. And straight out ask him what he said to her to convince her that there is no OW.

I talked to WH tonight and kept it really pleasant. I asked him what dates he would be at sea. And what he planned to do about Christmas. He said we would talk about it on Friday. And that, yes he planned to spend "some" time here. We'll see about the "some" time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> What a dork!

I am going to have such a hard time not LBing him. He is being such a pain in the @$$. My natural reaction is to run right over him and do what I think needs to be done. SO I am really struggling to not blow him out of the water.

He is so passive about us I could smack him.

DORK! DORK! DORK! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />