Okay, I can see some minor clarification is in order, and in re-reading what I wrote I can see where there is miscommunication. From a factual point of view only, here's what happened re: the skateboard.
My DD had a cheapy little $9.00 Target skateboard that she learned how to skate and do some tricks on, but being the cheap little thing it was, it broke. Now DD is a very athletic girl, likes skateboarding and snowboarding for fun but nothing else (not competitively), and both exH and I thought that now that she's older and her board was broken...we'd get her another, better one. ExH knows NOTHING about decks, trucks, wheels, and ball bearings--and I only know enough to be dangerous! But I agreed to do the "investigating" part, learn all I could, go to the ESPN park and have the sales clerks show me the WAY TOO EXPENSIVE cool, professional stuff etc. Our goal was to get her a better board without spending a couple hundred bucks! OUCH. So I investigated and recommended some at Target that range from $50 to $70 and are pretty well-built and respectable at a board park without breaking the bank.
Our "deal" was that I'd learn what I could, go to some stores and browse the month or so before her birthday, and then recommend a few boards to the exH--the X, Y, or Z board at Target for example. Then, we were going to split the cost of a board, pads, and helmet 50/50. I was willing to do the investigating because it was interesting to me and I learned something. I did my part of the deal, I was ready with my half of the money for the birthday present...he just backed out on his side of the deal at the last moment.
He's nothing if not consistent, huh?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Thankfully, I am rather learning from all this and I did have a "Plan B" ready. I had stashed away some extra $$ in case he did what I knew he'd do, and I never told DD that "we" were getting her anything...so when I was put in the position to buy it all myself, I was ready and *YEP* I took all the credit because I deserved it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> My DD had a fabulous skateboard birthday because her mama socked away the dough to buy it on my own!!
* * * * *
Now, on to the topic at hand...the debate.
Before we progress any further, I want to tell you what I had decided to do last night and how it all worked out as the day progressed today.
Last night I was a bit upset about this (in the sense of concerned for DD, not angry or emotional), but I have learned to calm myself and not make a "decision" based on a knee-jerk reaction. My knee-jerk was to tell exH he was a JERK for treating his own DD that way, but my head ruled my knee, and I thought first. As I said, he is nothing if not consistent, and he is VERY consistent in doing stuff just to get a rise out of me or a reaction out of me...so my reasoning said, "Do exactly the opposite of what he's expecting and you will probably feel quite content!" heehee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
So, I decided a few things. First, I have been done enabling for a long time, so THAT ain't gonna happen! If he makes a pile of doo-doo, he's gonna be laying in it!! That was one boundary I knew I wasn't really going to cross--it just makes for good debate.
Second, as a mother I do not want to see my children hurt or hurting, but not all hurting is to be avoided. It is not natural or "right" for a mom to be so protective as to avoid all hurt for her children! Those would be some mighty stunted kids!! So, wisdom dictates that people often learn a deeper lesson when they are hurt. Yep--this would HURT but it is REAL and it is something my DD will have to face and deal with as a maturing young woman with an unstable dad.
Soooo...I concluded that I would most likely NOT be able to avoid/prevent the hurt (because it wasn't of my making or mine to control) but I COULD be there if it did hurt and be comforting and understanding.
With those two guiding principles in mind, I decided to do this (and BTW, this is exactly what I did):
1. When I saw DD in the morning, I spoke to her for a moment in her room. I very briefly and factually told her "Dad called last nite. He is upset that no one called him to arrange the time for your birthday dinner. He ended by saying he wasn't going to go and then hung up."
2. She was visibly upset and a little on the verge of tears with frustration. (She knows how her dad can be--she's not a baby anymore afterall!)
3. I reminded her that she would be by a phone all day long and so would her dad, and it was up to her if she wanted to call him and work it out or wait until he called to work it out...etc. It was between him and her and I wouldn't get in the middle.
4. I offered that we can not tell what dad would or would not do, and we could not make him do anything...but what we
could do is make a "Plan B" backup in case things didn't work out. She and I talked about it and reached a plan that would be acceptable so her birthday wasn't ruined--she'd prefer her dad, but "Plan B" was okayish.
5. After that, she felt like her day wasn't going to be a bomb, so she got her her nerve (that's MY GIRL!) and called her dad. As I suspected, he did not have the cajones to disappoint his princess--it was mostly hot air and he worked it out with her. Note though that HE did not call HER--she had to call him. Pathetic, isn't it??
At the end of the day, she had a good day--did a little shopping, had McD's for lunch as a treat, and went to nice dinner with her BF and dad. I'm happy to report that she feels good because her day wasn't a bust, and because she was brave enough to act like a grown-up with her dad. I'm also happy to report that I feel good because I didn't enable, I didn't get in the middle, but I did communicate that DD's day was important and she did have options. It was just GOOD!
CJ
