Eight months ago, I was willing to do anything to save my marriage. I was willing to lay down my life for my h. I just wanted us and I never thought I would feel differently. In the past week, however, something has/is changing in my heart and it is depressing me to the point of not being able to function. When I look at my h. I do not see the man I married. I feel a wall of indifference starting to crop up on my part. I have feelings of not wanting him to touch me, of not wanting to reach out to him, to wanting to be left alone. I've thought about it and I I have come to the conclusion that it hurts to much to keep loving him; therefore, if I stay behind this wall of indifference, he can't hurt me anymore.<P>I even told him that my feelings are starting to change for him-that I don't feel in love with him sometimes ( is this a love buster-telling him this?).<BR>He just sits there. Does that bother you, I ask? He says it does but doesn't do or say anything to show me.<P>He blantly refuses counseling. He says he wants our marriage, that cares about me. He has told me he is sorry for the pain he has caused but has never admitted that what he did was wrong-it was emotional (never had sex-so he says he didn't do anything wrong). She did, however, steal my h. affection from me. He says he loves me like a good friend...a best friend, maybe more. <P>I am at the end of my rope. I feel like we are in a boat in the middle of a river. God has shown us where he wants us to go-we can see the destination. He has given us both an oar but I am the only one trying to do the hard work with the oar (my will) to get us there. My h. on the other hand is just sitting in the boat saying if its God's will this boat will get there. I'm tired of rowing by myself. He thinks because he holds my hand while watching t.v., and holds me at night, he is doing his part. He doesn't want to discuss the relationship anymore-he claims it is only picking at the wound. Lets just bury it, he keeps saying.<P>I'm to the point where I'm thinking about withdrawing myself, just getting my own life. I don't want to see my marriage end, but I feel my own love bank in the negative zone at times now-something I never imagined possible-something I don't want to feel. I feel a hardness in me towards my h.-even hatard sometimes-things I never thought I would or could feel. Does anyone have any advice for me. Thanks

Can you focus on which of the ten needs seems to be lacking the most attention right now? Is it affection, conversation, companionship, sex? Pick one, just one, and tell him you need his help to make some deposits there. Don't ask what he is missing. Doubt he would admit to anything at this time, but if he volunteers a need he is feeling, talk about a way to fill the void for him. Then consciously decide a time, place and activity to make a deposit or two in those areas. It's like when you went to a girl friend's house as a kid and said "What do you want to do?" Talk about it then do it!<P>Also see my response to Lizbet.

PW,<P>Thanks for responding. I've tried to explain the needs concept to him-he laughs, doesn't seem to buy it. I did ask him what his needs were-he says he doesn't have any. He doesn't want to discuss anything that has to do with how our relationship is going anymore because it makes him feel like I am making demands on him. Hence, I feel I have to somehow come to the point where I don't expect anything from him anymore-at least for awhile. Meanwhile, I'm fearful my love bank will continue to drain. <P>My two top needs are 'affection' and 'openess and honesty'. If I had to pick the one most lacking it'd be the second one because he doesn't seem to want to be that right now. Sense he doesn't want to dicuss our relationship how can he be open and honest. He's closed to discussing it right now. Thanks for the advice

hurtingwife - <P>I feel so bad for you. Since you haven't posted your profile, I don't know too much about your situation. I take it that H is the betrayer. How long was his affair? When did it end (or hasn't it ended yet)? According to Dr. Harley, until it ends, you stand NO chance of gaining your H back.<P>If it has truly ended, only the continual depositing of love units into HIS lovebank will bring him around. I know this completely SUCKS because yours is almost bankrupt. What I've concluded about the recovery of a marriage after an affair is that it's the BETRAYED (who endured the most unimaginable pain for so long) who has to continue to suck it up. It's so unfair...however, I also believe that we reap 10-fold what we sow. Your continued sacrifices now WILL eventually be returned to you. None of us know God's will, His timing, nor His methods. However, you can be assured that He will reveal these to you when He wants you to know.

Shattered,<P>Thanks for responding. I've been following your story and feel bad for you also. I know the pain and disillusionment you are going through. I did not post my profile because it is to long, bizzare and heartbreaking. To fill you in briefly, my h. is the betrayer at this point. However, fourteen years ago, I betrayed him (I was out of my mind). If I could take it back, I would give up my life. I'd rather fall through ice and drown than to think I did that to him. I did post about it in another thread. If you do a search on my name (hurtingwife), you will find it to someone with the name 'confused'. It will give you the details of my betrayal.<P>My h. pursued and forgave me. When I saw he was capable of that kind of love, I fell so deeply in love with him and I have never looked back. When my friends look and start pointing out the 'babes' I always say, my h. is my babe. They all laugh and think I'm 'frigid' because looking doesn't hurt. But I made a decision to give my total self to my h. (including my honor and praise of him) for the rest of my life. When I finally realized the pain I had caused my h. and felt his forgiveness, I was changed forever. Four years later, he saw a girl.<P>It started out as an attraction to a much younger girl (just barely out of highschool). My h. was 31. I discovered it, he said he'd forget her (they never really did anything other than talk).<P>Nine years, later My h. confesses that he has never been able to forget her. No, he never met with her, never kissed her,never had sex just saw her around occasionally. He believed that God showed him she was his perfect soul mate and he would be with her in his next life, not this one. He was to stay with me. I did some investigating and discovered this girl went on with her life. She died in 95 in a boating accident and her boyfriend died trying to save her life. My h. claims he was able to hear her voice from the grave for the past few years but, then, God told him it was time to let go of her. This led him into a depression which is when I became aware and started pressing him as to what was wrong. That's when he told me (FEB of this year). In 95, when she died, there was no depression. So I am very, very confused as to what is happening to my h. Midlife Crisis? Mental illness? I don't know. Well, that's the details. Thanks for inquiring. I hope things work out for you and your wife. <P>I know I hurt my h. profoundly by my betrayal. I don't know if this is his way of getting back at me or what. It seems that his attraction to this girl was not so irristable because he stayed with me and told himself he'd be with her in his next life. What do you make of that? <p>[This message has been edited by hurtingwife (edited September 20, 1999).]

hurtingwife - <P>Wow...that is quite a story! I'd like to address your post with comments and questions as I find it as fascinating a story as I've ever heard.<P>Your story begins with you as the betrayer 14 years ago. I almost started to cry when I got to the point where you wrote...<P>"My h. pursued and forgave me. When I saw he was capable of that kind of love, I fell so deeply in love with him and I have never looked back."<P>I SO DESPERATELY want my wife to come home so that I can show her that unconditional love too. I pray that she, like you, could fall back deeply in love with me that she never looks back. However, right now, I'm at an all time emotional low because the only thing I feel is her distance and uncaring selfishness.<P>So then I take it life is good for you and H until girl enters picture. You go on to describe what seems like an emotional affair...one that did not involve sex but rather an emotional connection between her and your H.<P>Upon discovery, H "breaks" off contact...or so he says. Nine years later H goes into depression due to (he says) the fact that girl died 4 years ago. That is strange.<P>My uneducated guess is that H and girl may have had more than just emotional affair nine years ago. Is there any chance that their affair was longer and more intimate than he says? I can't imagine why he would be so obsessed with her otherwise.<P>Well, I can't speak to the voices from the grave...maybe it's some sort of delayed psychological reaction to your affair. As you probably know, your affair completely decimated his self esteem. This is actually one of the things I fear...how my emotional scars will manifest themselves in my future. I don't know.<P>You ask could it be mental illness? Perhaps; is there any family history as far as you know?<P>Then there is the possibility that he is trying to "get you back". However, from what you wrote, I doubt that his character would allow him to do that. His love for you allowed him to withstood the most extreme pain a human can take. I don't think he would stoop that low. Besides, if he really wanted to "get you back", he would have had a full blown affair (complete with emotional attachment AND sex). That apparently did not happen.<P>Continue to show him your love and be thankful that he is home. I'll keep you in my prayers.<P>When you get a few minutes, could you tell me what your affair was all about? I'm trying to gain perspective about my W's affair and I can use all the friendly counsel I can get.

Shattered,<P>My h. depression was due to the fact that God told him he had to let go of ow-not due to her death four years ago. Apparently, he had been carrying on the affair since her death..<P>You ask is there any chance the affair was more, seeing he was so obsessed. I thought so too. After his confession, however, I discovered that he had confided in one of our close friends, so I went to see friend. Friend told me he almost contacted me then because he was worried about my h. He said my h. never brought it up again, though,. So he thought he let go of it. It was a few weeks after ow death. H. told friend same thing he told me: God showed him ow was his perfect soul mate, he'd be with her in his next life. He said my h. never broke down, did not seem that broken up, never mentioned what sort of girl she was (ex. she was so sweet). In fact, he said that her death was really no big deal because the relationship was continueing-he was recieiving messages from her-(baffeling, isn't it?). He told friend the relationship was mystical. Friend said he believes that 90 percent of it was one huge fantasy in my h. head. <P>In your opinion, do you think if he had had a deep emotional relationship with her he would have been able to say her death was no big deal because the relationship was continueing? I think he would have been devastated. How can you hide pain like that?<P>As for mental illness in his family, unfortunately, yes. His brother is schizophrenic. Two of his other brothers have so pretty odd beliefs and my h., himself, has always had odd ideas (of course, this attracted me to him-I thought he was so fasinating). <P>My h. is a very wonderful man (although its hard to see it lately). I don't want to paint a picture of some wierdo because he is not that-other than this single event- he is very likable, very funny, very sensitive, (although, I haven't seen that lately either). And a very deep thinker (i've seen plenty of that and its depressing the heck out of me).<P>My MIL says she sees a personality change in him. So do I.<P>Yes, things were good those four years after my betrayal. I think he was just attracted to this young pretty thing and she was attracted to him (she even used to follow us around without me knowing). This did alot for his ego that I hurt so deeply. He has admitted to being angry with me for years.<P>I want to answer your other questions, also, but will have to do so later as I have an appointment with my counselor very soon. Thanks for you interest in my story.<P>hurtingwife

Dear hurtingwife<P>I have only read parts of this thread, and was just wondering, have you ever approached your H, with tapes to watch pertaining to your problems.. I know some men will not go to counceling or read up on this important info. them sleves, but tapes are easy to listen to while driving, or even watch them at home, (video`s, of course) to see for them selves with out much effort in it, to hear what needs to bew said from professionals, that all have this sort of things out, in the media.... <P>Just a thought, and suggestion...<BR>it`s worth the money and a try...!<P>AV