Hi believer,

It would have been better if you'd more aggressively pursued the D, I reckon.

No way am I waiting for two years. You're a viking to have held on as long as you did.

I don't have any judgement about the sex. I'll leave that to others. I don't find it all that relevant if you are working on ending the marriage. I see a disconnect in the religious stuff. The BS is excused for divorcing if cheated on, but not until the STATE finalizes the divorce? What's the state got to do with it?

Uh oh, I feel a "gay marriage" debate trying to sneak out...

Much love to you, believer.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The BS is excused for divorcing if cheated on, but not until the STATE finalizes the divorce? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that's along the lines I was thinking. I think you D'd him in your heart already. That was my impression from your posts.

I remember I had the same thinking in my own sitch, when H wanted the D and I didn't. Well, I couldn't control his actions, and I live in a no-fault state, so I could only slow it down, not stop it. I decided if he did do D me, it would only be a piece of paper to me. I was still M'd in my heart.

Are you still M'd in your heart?

Spidey

Talk to WH, believer...it takes two to work things out...talk to WH and then decided if you really want out or in...you wont know if you dont talk to him...

I thought i wanted a divorce and you know i have MY papers ready too...however, i have not proceed with it and have decided to try and talk to WH...i want to try my best to save this marriage before i really decide to end things with WH...

Since i started talking to WH, i started to understand a little bit more about the feelings of WS. I feel more compassion for my WH.

Go and set an appointment with your WH and talk to him...get the truth out and move onwards...dont dwell on what happened during the 22 months, how you waited for him etc etc...

Think of your future and what YOU want to do.

Since divorce and ending a marriage takes two person to do...TALK to your WH... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Will get through this - I am a Christian and I know people can change. In fact, I have changed. I just don't care about WH anymore.

Mel - I think I have given up before the miracle. I waited for a long time. But, you are right. I gave up.

Spiderslayer - You and I have gone a long way back. I am glad that you are doing well. Hope someday we will hear from the other guy we used to talk to. I guess he is doing fine.

I'm just done with WH.

Gray - I have not been the best MB'r. However, I have fought the good fight, as long as I could.

Hi B,

I have read over and over on this board that nothing justifies an affair. That when you are married you honor your vows even if the other person isn't.

When you realized your feelings for WH were dead you should've filed the D, but for whatever reasons, you didn't. I don't like the reasoning that if you don't feel M'd in your heart then it's ok. That's the reasoning my WW uses.

It sounds to me that you just got caught up in the moment with this man. Isn't it the same thing that happens to all WS, EN's are not being met, so they seek comfort elsewhere. Granted, 22 months is a long time to wait, hope, pray and get nothing in return.

You made a mistake. Tell your WH about the SF with the OM, tell him you don't want to be married anymore and file the D.

GDF

Frankly, I don't think the OP is out of line.
She was essentially abandoned, the marital assets drained, she waited a LONG time for husband to return.
Izzy, how utterly ludricrous that since she found someone else, now her punishment is to be stuck in this pile of dog doodie called a marriage.
She is not to be stuck or anything else. God is a just god. Says so himself. He also says that he is a merciful and compassionate God. that is what god says.
OP says she no longer wants the husband, the marriage or the trouble this man has caused.
The fact of the matter is that she wants out.She has earned her way out and she needs to get out if she is finished with it.
And what she does and how she handles it is not to be judged by anyone BUT god, if that is how she believes.

believer,

You are okay. Yeah, you did the wrong thing.

Facts are, you don't care about WH and you don't care about OM.

I have followed all of your posts.

What I don't understand is why you did not just post it all in the newspaper and get it all over with. That is what you said you were going to do.

I guess you did not do this.

So here you are.

Now what will you do?

I am so sorry you are in this situation.

In my VHO, you have had a very hard line with WS, not given him much of a chance, since you have had very little contact with him over all this time. Don't mean to be a 2x4.

I did not do MB 101, NC or else. I am just praying that God will give you direction, and that you will wait for His time, not yours.

On the other hand, it is not the best time to negotiate, come back to me, etc, when ow has dumped WS and he needs a woman to take care of him. Boundaries, believer.

Don't beat yourself up. You have done the best you know how, and have helped so many here.\

So what is the healthiest thing for you to do , for you, marriage, future?

God bless you and keep you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

October...i am not telling Believer to do anything she doesnt want to do...

Believer,

I remember right after D-Day I decided to post on MB and you were the first one to reply. Since then I read constantly MB threads and you are always there helping people to get through this hell. Why am I bringing it? Because it shows the wonderful person you are. I think you have one of the biggest hearts. Honestly, a person who abused you emotionally, who lied to you constantly and who abused you financially for fulfilling his selfish passions do not deserve a woman like you. You have the answer in your hands: YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR WH BACK. The way I see it is that your WH did not want to divorce you because on his ****ed up mind he was thinking something like this: "O.K. I am with this OW now fulfilling my needs and I have believer as my back up plan. If something doesnt work out with OW I have believer who will be willing to take me back. She's been working to save our M, that gives me the security that she will be there when I need her." I assume this because it is such a coincidence, he did not care about you until he was dumped by OW. Now you face the situation where you, being the wonderful woman that you are, were attracted to another person. I do not blame you about the SF. You are a woman and like every other woman have needs. Among those is the sexual need. Maybe you tried to ignore it for a while thinking that it was the correct thing to do because that is what everybody says it is the right thing to do because you were married. But, were you really married? I have my doubts. Maybe legally you were, but emotionally? I do not think so. Were you living with your H at the time you had the encounter with this man? Were you still bounded to the promise of honoring, caring and loving your H? I dont think so and you did not take that decission. He was the one who broke that promise by going with OW and leaving you for 22 months. For me women and men who are betrayed, give a chance to save their marriage, fight for it, go to plan B because they are drained, stay for such a long time because WS do not want to leave OP and then after suffering that much move on with their lives, do not have a promising future with WS. Specially when WS returns because he/she was dumped and do not like to be alone. They care about not being alone, not about the abuse they inflict in the Faithful spouse who truly loved them. If you would have done it 2 months after D-DAY then we would call it a RA, now that you dont want Your H back it is just a sign that your H did an excellent job killing the love you once had for him. If you are troubled about what the lord says, I don't think the lord will think that you are doing something wrong. I don't think the lord will punish you and will tell you that you commited a sin. The sinner is you H who decided to divorce you long time ago but was a coward who did not want to face the consequences of his actions. I wish you GOOD LUCK! if you ever need some xtra support, I will happily give it to you. I live in L.A. maybe if you are around, we can get together sometime. I am very grateful to you for being the first one to reply to my after D-DAY post. You gave me the encouragement to work on my marriage and I do not know the final outcome in my case. But I am there working on it and is improving.
janei_bs@yahoo.com if you ever visit L.A.

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 03:35 AM: Message edited by: janei ]</small>

Believer

Life can be sh1t from time to time. ALL of us on here know that.

We all deserve happiness and we all do the best we can.

Its a blessing that God is more forgiving than some MB posters are.

Get right with God. get free of your dead M. Start liivng without pain or guilt once more.

{{{believer}}}

high 5''s Bigups Beleiver!!!! Woman!!! You are still my angel.. you're a beautiful person and you should know it. You didn't do anything wrong in my eyes. You were not married because your husband left you and left you to cry hurt, bleed..whatever happened to you in the last months he didn't care.. He was having the time of his life.. and expected you to always be there.. well good ole beleiver isn't! not because its payback time because this angel do not want to be there anymore!! I'm so proud of you. When your mind and your heart is spoken it is time 22 months or 24..it doesn't matter!!!

Big hugs..

Love you!!!

I know I'm posting twice, I have tears in my eyes.. because I beleive you deserve all the happiness in the world. And there is a God watching! You are so strong woman.. I wish I had just 1/3 of what you possess... Do not beat yourself over this. He's coming back cuz OW dumped him... or does he want beleiver in his life? ...... I don't even want to think about this. All I know is I do not want to see him hurt you anymore... I've become protective over my angel.

OK, all you Bible folkies, put your quiz hats on. Who was it that had to labor seven years to marry Ruth, Rachael or .....some girl in the old testimont?

Then when he did the seven years the father of the girl came up with some other excuse for him to do another seven years of laboring.... and the poor guy did it. (we'd probably diagnose him with obsessive compulsive these days)

Moral to the story believer??? Get WH to go back to the Lord first. Two years minimum, seven would be better.. When he's demonstrated his true repentence to the Lord and can truthfully plead change in the sight of God, then believer, maybe you could consider going out on a date with him, after another seven years?

You know, God gave us a brain so we would use it. With the Bible, it's not the rule, it's the principle. A lot of people don't get that. Think about the meaning behind the law and you can't go wrong.

AN

I like your point Anyname. That was really good!

My 2 cents is this,

Yes he has at least 2 years work to do on himself before he is ready to even think about asking a woman for a date, especially Believer.

Believer being the kind woman that she is, is going to feel sorry for him, and she is going to go through some major inner turmoil feeling bad about what is in store for him now. I even feel sorry for him. By his own stupidty he is lost with no one to turn to. Now he will fall to his knees and learn how to become a man or he will self destruct. A lesson we all need to learn sooner or later.

There is no way I would go two years without SF or feeling the arms of man around me when my husband is living with another woman. NO WAY! If he was away for two years for a his job, yes. But not after what he put Believer through.

Go through with your divorce Believer, and if your feelings for him change down the road than so be it, if not than so be that too.

oops!

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 06:59 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Believer:

All affairs end and this one was no exception. .

An insecure person would normally want to go back to the marriage once the affair goes sour. The idea of being alone is not appealing for these folks.

It is your choice whether you take H back or not. DO what YOU want to do.

I am not sure why you lament the 24-month versus 22-month timelines. Are you implying the decision to take back H would be easy if you had no SF before the 24 months were up? How is having sex with this man affecting your decision?

At least you have the satisfaction of knowing the affair failed and that now he is calling you

Good Luck!!

Believer

I don't think you have a thing you should be reproaching yourself for at all.
Did you have an affair while a couple?
Did you leave the m?
Did you go & live with someone else leaving your spouse hanging in the wind?
Did you cause so much pain that in the end your once partner justs wants nothing to do with you?

Maybe it's just your time for you to move on and you did a bit I think.
Its not a celebration or anything of great joy for you I guess, its just a closing of a painful part of your life, so maybe its time to let it go????

Time just to be happy and live life you certainly deserve that!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

(((((((((((((((believer))))))))))))))

It's all about what you want, and what you feel is best for you. You'll get my support, regardless of what you choose!

Hold your head up and start the rest of your life today, in the way you want it to be!

SD

BELIEVER--From the beginning that you started to post to me, I always knew that you were such a good woman.
You gave your husband a long time to come back to you, and he chose to stay with the OW.
YOu probably felt lonely as you got better living without your husband. Dont feel bad because of what you did. That should not leave any scars on you. You are doing great for what your husband has put you thru. You are a very strong woman, and he was not smart not realizing it. Is his loss, not yours. I am sure you are going to find a great guy to make you happier than ever.
Dont regret anything you did! 22 months is a longggggggg time to wait for a husband to change his mind.
Good luck with your new life and the new you.
Take care.
Myrta

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 09:24 AM: Message edited by: Myrta ]</small>

Believer, I just read your thread, and these are my thoughts. OK, I'm saying this very loudly as I type. DON'T FOR ONE SECOND ALLOW YOURSELF TO PUT YOUSELF DOWN IN ANY WAY! You continually fought like HE%% to save your M and waited for your extremely foggy H, until you could wait no longer. Instead of thinking you should have waited 24 months, and that is what God wanted you to do, maybe consider that you did what God wanted you to do at 22 months. Maybe God has a lesson here for your H. Maybe everything that has happened is according to God's plan.

Believer, you seem to know at this point, because you've said it over and over, that you don't want your H any more. That you have been very happy these past months. Maybe THAT should tell you something! Go on with your life. If at some point your H really changes, and YOU choose to date him again, then see what happens. You deserve the very best.

As far as the SF with the other man. This is my opinion so don't bother 2x4ing me anyone out there. You're H's ongoing A, as far as I'm concerned, made the M contract null and void a long time ago. Believer, have a happy life. You are a truly wonderful person! CV