Believer..IMHO I think Janei's post is right on the money..I have read all your posts throughout your drama since day 1 and feel we are kindred spirits in our journeys...I too waited for my WS to come around but during that time realized he will never be the man I was once married to because of the pain he chose to inflict on his family without a second thought...you have to think how does one do this and sleep at night...after reading several sitches on this board it appears the turning point occurs in many but not all cases is when the WS is:

1) dumped by OW
2) finds out BS has moved on and is seeing someone else

You have to decide in your case if your WH is worth taking back after all the crap he has dealt you...decide what are his motives for all of a sudden wanting you back after all this time..in my case I told my WS he had many opportunities to dump OW and turn his life around but he did not..these WS's need to know there are consequences for their actions...when they hit rock bottom, OP's dump them, squander life savings ..are these all viable reasons to let them return?... I think not...they have to face their demons head on and look inward...they have to gain respect by turning their lives around without a safety net waiting in the wings..if your WS is truly sincere about doing this...let him show you by his actions and not only words...you are a wonderful person Believer and do not deserve any more pain..

Hi believer.

My suggestion > file for divorce and see what happens in that process. Communication with your H will have to occur and who knows what will happen. In the meantime, stay away from yachties - especially power boaters. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Now, a question I didn't see asked so far > was the yachtie of the one night stand married? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

For the record, I met the love of my life 6 months after my divorce and one month after WS and OM were married. We've been together for almost 26 months - and counting.

WAT

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 09:40 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Thanks for all the support. And no, I did not stoop that low, WAT. He has been divorced for many years.

And WAT - do you know that Pep has been betting your boat?

Believer, I think (but who knows if I am correct or not?)... I think one of the reasons you are where you are right now is because you did NOT Plan B in a timely manner. I really do think that you did a decent Plan A. However, because (for whatever reasons) you could not or would not Plan B in the window of opportunity that you had, the affair was prolonged until you fell out of love for your H.

Remember, Believer, Plan B has more than one purpose. To protect you from hurt, and to protect your love for your WH.

Let this be a lesson to other MBer who postpone Plan B too long.

The SF thing? That's not the thing that killed your marriage.

Pep

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 09:58 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> And WAT - do you know that Pep has been betting your boat? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, he knows... he emailed me a photo of his "dinghy". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Pep

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 09:57 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

ditto Pep about Plan B.

Yea, I know she's been betting my boat. Good thing I don't have it yet. I'll cut her off when there's a REAL threat!

WAT

Believer - Wow - Don't know what to say here.

As others have said - you were 1 of the first to reply to my cry for M help..to support me..in my fragile state - I'll support you now..

Did our spouse wait 2 years or any amount of unhappy times b-4 they found SF outside of the M? NO...

Did they put any effort in saving the M b-4 they sought SF outside of the M??? NO

Did they feel any remorse for how they treated us - NO..

It took a great amount of inner strength for you to move on, alot of prays, crying etc..Finally, you emotionally gave up whether you had SF or not - you moved on - you had to - to survive..to get well..

You WH now wants his M because his A is over..yet when you begged and pleading he shut you out..

As others have told me - I'll know when enough is enough..you crossed that road..let go and continue to enjoy the life you have built w/o him..If it's meant to change it will and no amount of his pulling you will change your mind - no different than when you tried to change his...

I have a feeling that when I finally let go of my M - he'll want back in too..Funny, my WH said he's been "out" for 2 years, then he said 5, then 7 - it would have been nice if he would have told me..So does that mean my 2 years is up??? Since he's been "out" of the M for along time - though he never told me nor did I catch him..We still live together but that's it..

Hugs to you...

Believer, you know that I love what you do here. And I don't want to see you beating yourself up. And I'm certainly not qualified to give thoughts on the religious aspects of having slept with someone else.

What I'm worried about is the damage to your own integrity, your own ethics. And I suspect that's what's really upsetting to you, too.

We all, every one of us, end up doing harm in our lives. Just the need to eat means that we kill something -- plants, if not animals.

When we come upon harm that we have not avoided, then it's a matter of making amends. In this case, well, it's a tough one.

There are three main people involved here. You, your husband, and the man you slept with. They are all, probably, somewhat harmed by what happened. There might be others as well, of course -- you can figure out who they are.

So, really, what I would ask is what I'd ask of anyone who's been in a situation that's caused harm. First, apologize to everyone who's been harmed (including yourself), and ask for forgiveness from everyone (including yourself).

Your H will need a bit of an explanation as to why you're apologizing, of course; otherwise he'll just be confused as all get-out.

The other thing that I would do is to let your husband know that because your actions and his letter happened at the same time, you're going to need time to think through what you want to do. That, too, I think is probably true. You're hurting and upset right now, and that's not a good place to start making major life decisisions.

And then, dear believer, take the time to really forgive yourself. Cry if you need to, for all the things that just haven't gone as planned.

Oh, and one last thing to tell your husband. Ask him to contact the Harleys. If he's serious about wanting to reconcile, then while you're recovering and taking care of yourself, he can start thinking about what's needed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just J:

Oh, and one last thing to tell your husband. Ask him to contact the Harleys. If he's serious about wanting to reconcile, then while you're recovering and taking care of yourself, he can start thinking about what's needed. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perfect!

Yes...
"just" perfect! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pep

Oh, and -- it happens pretty often that when the BS is finally "done" and moving on, the WS wakes up and realizes they're not there anymore.

It may be, believer, that if you hadn't walked into this trap, nothing would have ever changed. That doesn't make it any less of a trap -- just that sometimes the way to freedom means you have to walk in darkness for a little ways, and you have to accept the darkness that's part of you afterwards.

I'm here wondering if maybe you WH didn't catch word of you being seen with another man. Perhaps, that was his real wake up call, and that may have forced some hands against the OW. Just a thought, but, jealousy, oh what a strong emotion it is.

Also, specifically, that is why I stayed away from it. I didn't want my fww home because she was jealous of me being with another woman, I wanted her home because she wanted to be with me.

I think, with your extended time frame, you are just fine. You and your husband could reconcile, it would be a hard walk. But, it could be done. Hang in there.

While not WELL versed in the MB ways, I do have some perspective. What's done is done and you can NOT take it back. You can only move forward. It's HOW you move forward that will make the difference for you.

Also, if you simply don't want your H, then don't have him. Most marriages are worth saving....some just aren't. At this point, only you can make that call.

Do me a favor....do NOT have any more SF until you're legally divorced. Only because it clearly is something that brings you remorse.

Keep your head up!

C

Believer,

U R a good woman who deserves t/b happy. I have read your posts and despite your claims that you are over the WS, I don't think your are over your H.

If he is shedding the WS scales, time will tell. This is the kind of time when even a good BS' mind starts a spinnin'.

Believer, as we have said to others and now to you. Gotta watch his actions and he will watch yours. Too many movies show true loves part and find out years later what is really important.

Well life is not just a movie. There are no commericals. Just reality.

Praying for a clear mind, calm heart, lots of patience and love. Don't think it is all over yet. Confusion is still showing.

Hugz,
L.

As you know, I thought of this nightmare happen to me ... 6 months after plan B, I petitioned the court to give me a legal status back. I was granted and effective 3 months later. I was praying that WW didn't repent before that date <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> . I knew I was done and I was puting it on HIS hand, I would of take her back before it is finalized w/ HIS help. I know if HE make her repent HE would of give me the strength and wisdom to make it.

I HATE DIVORCE ... Malachi 2:16

HE has a plan ... surrender your will and let HIS be done.

-rh-

Believer,
I hesitated to post on your thread because this hits so close to home for me. I identify so much with your H in as much that I screwed up and had an A years ago. I never left my W totally though, I just spent alot of time away, blamed it on our communication problems and since I was paying most if not all of the bills I was somehow a decent man. BLAH...my W went and met someone else during this time, she didn't file for D until after she was in love with another man, more blahs....all for her to bounce back and forth between me and OM and YES all these painful acts were done just for what to happen?

Neither my W or I are with any OP.
We are not D.
We are now trying to repair our M and all the pain we inflicted on each other.
My W fights serious depression from guilt of being with OM, and then withdrawal from her A etc....


Look at what we created?

The big difference and I do mean big difference is you decided in your heart and mind that you did not want your H back. You didn't file for D but you made it pretty darn obvious you were tired of waiting for him to wake up. I do not support you seeking SF from OM regardless to it being a one night stand or not, but I don't think that changes a whole lot regarding your M. I know you say your feelings are gone for your H and I'm not talking about your H every winning you back as his W but I mean your H attempting to atone and make amends for the pain he caused you. He could still prove his worthy of the title H to Believer, you doubt it, we might all doubt it, but it is possible
Just look at me Believer.

Please don't kick yourself about SF pleeeeeeeeeeasssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
everyone even the sweetest, nicest, most kind hearted lady can make a mistake, and so can the most warm, kind, benevolent, caring man...but we are not talking about one night of irresponsibility are we?
The true issues was mine/your H/and my W's lengthy foul affairs.

In my mind, I wish you a speedy divorce because I feel your H has hurt you so much that the man he used to be is just a memory. Your H would have to want to start all over with you and show he is a smarter man, a wiser man a man who has learned from his mistakes. This may take YEARS, it took me YEARS and it's still taking me MORE YEARS..either he's down for the work or he isn't and if he isn't he shouldn't even waste your %^#^$#&^ time!

God bless you Believer, I wish you the best...you're only a human doing the best you can to be a good person and sometimes we screw up. Thank you for posting this, you didn't have to no one would have ever known, but SEE that's why we all love you, because you are the type of person who would post this thread.

{{{{{{{BELIEVER}}}}}}}}}}

believer....
Please don't beat yourself up! Your WH left you and you are only human. I don't agree that you are just like him now. You are most definitley not! You were left alone for 2 years with the thought that your M was over.
Whatever you decide I am on your side.
I keep telling myself that I will not get involved with anyone until I am divorced but if someone comes along....I will not turn them away. I know my M is done. I don't want my WH back in the least.
Hang in there and just know that I'm here for you.

Thanks everyone for the support and advice.

JustJ - You are right, I am very disappointed in myself. Right after the ONS, I was exceedingly happy. I think just to have someone (or should I say ANYONE?) want me and hold me. I don't thing OM is hurt. I was very truthful with him and let him know that for me it was just comfort/SF.

Rookkev-

I doubt that I was seen with OM. However I have urged my WH to read here for 22 months. He could have read my posts here on another thread.

c-cub -

You are exactly right. No SF until divorce. I wish that I had stuck to that thought.

Orchid - I think I still love my husband, but not the WH. In his letter to me he repeated what I told him many months ago. He said that I was right, my husband is dead.

Redhat - Actually last week I did surrender my will to the Lord. But I messed up, and let the carnal flesh make decisions for me.

FM- I know that you are going thru your own hard times. I hope you will not give up.

Tree- I have been going through this for a long, long time. My WH moved out (or rather I threw him out) on D-day. My WH has done nothing for me, no money, no help, nada.

I hope that you will not give up like I did. It is strange how you can completely lose all hope. But usually the affair does end. Be sure that if your husband's affair does end, that you have taken the higher road.

((((believer)))

I hadn't posted to you in a while and just wanted to stop in a give you a big FIM hug <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

believer...
My H has also given me no help with money or anything else for that matter.....
I plan to stay faithful until I am officailly divorced. I have never done anything to him and am very proud of that.
I just don't want you to beat yourself up about wanting someone to hold and be close to. It happened..you were left alone and felt that you weren't loved. You are a good woman and you did everything you could to save your M.
If you get back with your WH...I do wish you the best of luck!!