Believer, You have not lost your integrity.

Don't let people undermine your self confidence. The vast number of people here have nothing but admiration for you.

You had finally found a place to be happy. You are Cinderella and there are a few ugly sisters on your thread who haven't learnt the art of being gracious yet.

Be strong Cinders! And keep looking for that other shoe!

AN

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid - I think I still love my husband, but not the WH. In his letter to me he repeated what I told him many months ago. He said that I was right, my husband is dead. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The aftermath of an affair/abuse/addictions.... is like the aftermath of a hurricane. Debris is everywhere, people are hurt, some seriously. You walk up to the place you used to call home, and nothing but the foundation remains & It needs work too! What a mess. So step by step you clear out the wreckage, repair or repair the foundation and rebuild the house. Would we walk away from our home & say it's damaged, I'll just leave.

Our relationships may be in the same state - debris everywhere..... why would we expect them to be any different than the aftermath of a hurricane?

The first thing to be assessed in a home is it's foundation, is it cracked? Is it repairable? Does it need to be destroyed and completely repoured? In our relationships, our foundation is the Lord. If not built on the solid rock, then it won't last.

I would never say to accept unacceptable behavior, but I also know God can do mighty things. He parted the Red Sea, rose from the dead, turned water into wine........ why do we have trouble thinking He is greater than our circumstances. God is in the heart changing business. God can change your WH's heart, so that he repents, turns his life over to the care of God and be of maximum service to God and others.


God can also heal broken hearts. God can help us to trust again when warranted. God can heal broken marriages. God can heal our brokeness. If we let Him. God can change your WH. God can warm hearts.

You made a covenent before God, the legal part is just a formality. Stay M or DV, just stay true to yourself and your God.

I let my WH back into our lives without seeing a true committment on his part. His actions did not match his words. If I was able to do that part over again, I would not have let him come home untill I saw a firm committment in actions. But I still would persue it again even knowing what I know now, just differently. There were a number of times I was going to file for Dv, but each time God would get my attention, sometimes in bizarre ways & I would be obedient to God.

My prayers and hugs are with you.

Blessings,

D.

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 11:31 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

believer,

We are human and we are sinful ... but HE has bought us w/ HIS blood for all the sin that we did, we do and we will do !. You know that OM is ONS type, stay away and put NC ... you still have unfinished business.

In DV care we beleive that reconsiliation is first whenever possible until either partner is re-M again. Actually I have a huge issue with this. I have no feeling and I am done w/ my exW ... if she knock my front door and she is repentant ... I would close the door. However I know I am acting rightous and not obedient. In my sinful mind ... I am hoping that she get re-M ... I put myself in the market <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> to get re-M. That was also the reason I push for status change and not wait.

It is easy to say now ... I pray that I don't have to face that day. I pray for you to have the wisdom to see and to make decision that you would not regret and at peace w/ HIM.

-rh-

Believer,

This may have been said already.

I wonder if on some level you knew WH was running out of $ and would soon be back, hat in hand. So you found a way to erect a barrier, if even a flimsy one, to the emotions you thought you might have when he did.

You write pretty convincingly that you have no feelings for him any more. You write it a lot. To paraphrase Shakespeare, “Methinks the lady doth protest too much.”

OTOH, I wouldn’t take him back even as just a friend.

You kept a candle in the window more than long enough.

Just some junk-food for thought.

T

{{{Believer}}}

You have given me so many inspirational things to think about here at MBers thru your posts! so for that I truly thank you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

This last year for me R has been a trial....and the Lord has done what he has promised! He has "worked all things to our good".

I can not sit and judge you for anything Believer....you know what the bible tells us about that!

The only thing I want to say to you is this and it is ONLY because you are a Believer that I will say it!
God makes it very clear that we should do all we can to bring people to him....that even includes our FWS's (especially them!!) God does not like to lose even one of his sheep Believer!!.....you might be the only HOPE that God has to bring H back to him. It doesn't mean that you must be with him. (M) It just means it is our duty to remain true to what God commands us to do as christians.

I know you are a wonderful christian woman. I know that we all fall Believer. I know!!! and God will forgive a repentant sinner. Sometimes though our job is sooooo difficult and we choose to do what we want to do. Not what God wants us to do.

Im talking about leading H back to God Believer....not anything else!

For in this life....the only relationship that christians find bring real JOY to their lives is with Christ.

And believer you know that God did not make us so we could be happy right??? His plan if we follow it will bring us JOY but he did not ever promise us that we were here to be happy.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and you know what?? Im glad for that! I prefer the joy I get from him!

You are a strong christian woman Believer and you have been thru soooooo much! Your faith has been stronger than most! Pray Believer....there is a reason God is even putting this on your HEART right now. Just be weary of Pride......find your grace it's right there!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Blessings,
Atruheart

Yeah, believer -- I know how you feel. Sometimes the things we do in the moment feel great, but they mess with us for a long time afterwards.

I dunno whether OM was harmed or not, but chances are that he was even if he doesn't know it. Plenty of men do casual sex without ever figuring out what it does to them. They seem to think that it has absolutely no bearing on their ability to build an intimate and strong relationship in the future. I think they're full of you-know-what, myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

In any case, I'm wondering what you've decided to do about it all?

Dear believer:

very interesting to read what our MBfriends here think about your situation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I only have one comment for you:
I hope it was good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

For out MBfriends: Please guys, remember the concept of the taker. Believer's giver has been working overtime for two years (IMHO 22 months IS two years...end of story and discussion for that matter). She DESERVED this ONS with the guy ON A YACHT (Oh those stars, the sea and the wind...I'm jealous <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). So give her a little leeway here.

She is emotionally done with WH, rightfully so. I just hope that she gets back to liking the yacht guy (read her first post that sounded pretty positive to me).

Believer: you already know what YOU want. Don't let some people here make you feel bad. You deserve happiness. You deserve to be loved. H has lost ANY rights to your loyalty by his outrageous behavior.

BAM!

Have that giver retreat to the back closet for the time being...nurture your taker.

Yikes - it was not a yacht, but a nice sailboat. The sad thing is I have been so alone and starved for affection, that it could have been anyone. I know lots of folks here understand that.

It was wonderful at the time, but now I feel very bad about it. I wasn't meant to have sex without attachment. I no longer have feelings for any man.

Sorry, Ice, don't agree with you on this one. No one has the "right" to use someone else as a sexual appliance to nurture his/her "taker" -- even if the OP is asking for it. That's the "right" that enables the WSs to say that "BS isn't treating me as I 'deserve,' therefore I have the 'right' to extramarital sex." It's dehumanizing to everyone -- OP may not respect him/herself, but you don't have the right to exploit that to feel good about YOURself.

Similarly, the idea that believer is only "technically" married is the same excuse the WSs use. After all, suppose the WS meets someone wonderful and doesn't "feel" married fifteen minutes later -- are they only "technically" married? After a ONS, for example, they may now "feel" married to someone else -- should they act accordingly? The point of MB is to base marriage on something deeper than a transient sexual "feeling" -- like a commitment, for example, or a love that's deeper than being "in love."

It's also to think a little bit less about one's "rights" and a little more about others. There's all sorts of ways to "nourish one's taker" without using one's genital organs.

Don't mean to get down on the posters here -- and I'm not condemning believer's behavior. Her situation is borderline in many ways. But if we establish the principles correctly, we will be better able to see what's going on.

As someone in the throes of a very nasty D, I can truly sympathize with any form of going bonkers -- but that doesn't mean I have to endorse it, in myself or others.

<small>[ October 30, 2004, 10:28 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

ALL of us want to be loved, and many times we are so starved for that love that we reach a point where we are willing to settle for just a few minutes or hours of it. What we fail to realize is that by allowing ourselves to have sex with a person we're not married to and being emotionally wounded from a previous committed relationship we are opening up a Pandora's box of troubles that could take years to resolve and leave us far worse than we were before.

Beleiver I am sure that the above words are nothing new to you but they still are worth repeating because hopefully we can avoid repeating the mistakes of yesterday.

oops

<small>[ October 31, 2004, 11:01 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

believer,

prayin for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ October 31, 2004, 10:59 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

I no longer have feelings for any man.


Believer this is the saddest thing I have read in a while on here.

I pray God will unbind your heart and release you to feel ALIVE once again.

Dear believer, I won't pray God for you.
For you don't need it! Thanks God, not anymore! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Nor I feel sorry for you. Just joy for you, such a nice and kind lady, who's getting out of your WH/M darkness and nightmares. Finally!

All is left to wish you luck and peace in your mind in the future!

You stated: "I no longer have feelings for any man."

Why would you? Unless the one work very hard on convincing you they deserves your love again.
I have no doubt that day will come... even yet, you have yourself back, and that make all the difference.

Many regards and best wishes to you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You write pretty convincingly that you have no feelings for him any more. You write it a lot. To paraphrase Shakespeare, “Methinks the lady doth protest too much.”

OTOH, I wouldn’t take him back even as just a friend.

You kept a candle in the window more than long enough.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very right and very close to my case...
I still love him, and will naver take him back... as H...
As a friend? Might... IF he becomes an honest person... (How could you be even 'just friends' if because of lies you cannot rely on someone's words?...)
...Thousands of my candles are dead and I'm not a (so much <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) masochist to replace it over and over and over...

Hey believer

heard you were a bit down & wanted to say that its not unusual to feel like you do at all.
Its much like the feelings or lack of them my guys have and I've got a mad assed theory that I tell them & goes like this....
You know after going through a lot of experiences that you hope your worst enemy wouldn't experience, its quite naural for you to feel that way about people, in your case men of course.
Its like the bucket that held all your emotions has had a hole in it draining all your feelings away a bit at a time. All of us have ways to plug that hole, religion, drinking, activity, sex, compassion, love etc etc, we all find something to plug the hole.
You'll find yours, perhaps family, perhaps helping others, whatever, and you'll find the bucket starting to fill again. The you will see that its not so dark and lonely here.

I have a bit more that is 'work' related that won't say much to you but just know eventually it will happen.

Mmmm it might work for me too you know.

what would believer tell believer????

that is the question I keep pondering...

just J..hit this post where I believe believer lives...

We all adore believer...she is always the first to post to new posters....

it is difficult to tell her what she did was wrong....

and yet believer herself knows it was...
and to tell her differently even with all the good wishes of happiness we have for her...doesn't serve her well...

FACT
Believer is a Good Woman
Believer is a Godly Woman.

those qualities she holds dear to herself....
and it serves others here and in the real world well....

so you we hear you believer as we struggle to bandage and soothe you....

we do hear you...

what would believer tell believer...???

ark

Hey believer, I so agree with you. Sex without attachment was something I did in my youth, when I was even more of a nut than I am now. It made me feel... sick. Dirty, unclean, awful. If that's how you're feeling, man oh man I feel with you.

So -- what are you doing about it? There are a lot of cleansing rituals that different belief systems have, from Catholic confessional to the new age crystals. I know you're a Christian, so I'm not sure what kind of cleansing might work best for you, but please think about it. If you don't have anything you're really comfortable with, you might try getting into a calm, meditative/prayerful state and then doing visualizations of the negative energy (I guess if you're a Christian you'd call this sin?) leaving your body and being taken up by the universe (I guess maybe giving it to Christ would be the right analogy?).

I'm kinda floundering here, and I guess what I would say is that no matter what anyone else thinks of what you did (including all the positive and negative comments that have been made here), YOU feel bad about it and are struggling -- and that's enough for me to say that healing and cleansing seem like good things to focus on right now.

Oh, and the no feelings for any man thing? Totally understandable. There's some powerful stuff that happens when sexual energy is released, and when you got hurt with it, it makes complete sense to me that you would immediately throw up some really high emotional walls. That's totally okay -- it gives you the time you need. They'll come down as you figure out where you're going and what you're going to do next.

Have you cried, believer?

Believer,

I am pretty sure that by now, you have gone to God and asked him to forgive you.

Would you withhold the same mercy ,grace and forgiveness to your husband that He has shown to you?

You are even, do you see?

You both messed up. Maybe in his mind your husband was looking for needs to be met , the same as you.

He has changed his mind, repented of his sin, it seems.

The feelings are just feelings.
Love is a decision; a choice, not a feeling.
Forgiveness is a decision, nothing to do with feelings.

It may be that when you have forgiven one another , the feelings will return.

This is a good starting place, I think.

love,
Shul

{{{{{{{{{{Believer}}}}}}}}}}

I am still hear, reading your story, thinking about you. You are in my prayers. I believe that everything that makes us feel poopy, is a lesson we have not yet learned.

As our MC says, this can be another FANTASTIC learning opportunity for you!

Love, Amy