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Joined: Feb 2004
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Yeah, I know what it's like to make a choice, then regret it. Actually, I think we all have. PLEASE remember, Believer, that "all is not lost." All is never lost.

Personally, what I think you need, is to have your WH over and confess to him. Tell him what your goals were, what you intended to do - wait for him or D. Even if he doesn't consider what you did wrong, because of all he has done. Tell him you need to tell him, and make it right with him. That puts you on the road to making it right with YOU.

That is what I would do. I have been thinking about you a lot. Remember, my H had a ONS in Korea when he was stationed there for a year, with a prostitute. That hurt SOOO much when he confessed to me. But knowing there was no EMOTIONAL attachment, no CONTINUING contact, eased my mind a lot and helped me heal.

H's EA/PA was 500,000 times (at LEAST) as painful as that ONS. I know you don't intend to have a EA/PA with this guy, but . . . you don't want to deceive by omission the man who is still technically your H. I guess I am talking about damage control (hurting his feelings LESS at this point), and (more important to me) begin cleansing out your own wound.

The saying is so true, Believer - "The truth will set you free."

Of course, after all that typing I realize you may have already done just that, but . . . I type because I love ya, girlie. I have thought about Ark's question to you - What would Believer tell Believer? I think you would tell Believer that all is not lost, and to fess up.

Love you!

Spider Slayer

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{{{{B}}}},

I will agree with you about the mistake part but,just like we can forgive and recover with our WS's if we both want it and work for it,I have no doubt you are already forgiven and will be on your way.You realize what was done and can get back to the honor and integrity you spoke of so many times here.

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Melody -

I know that I need to get over it, but it is like the FWS's here. When you go against your beliefs, there is a price to pay - self disgust.

You know the old saying, "Don't give up a day before the miracle".

But I'm sure I'll get over this too.

WH is still not seeing OW, and she is still living with her daughter and husband. He and I still talk. I broke the news to him, and he lets me know what is going on.

I am very happy that she is home with her 12 year old daughter again, who she almost completely abandoned. The little girl is the one who was most hurt by all of this.

Of course we have no idea what happened as both my WH and OW are maintaining their code of silence. And it could be just another trick. But OW's husband thinks that they did break up.

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{{{believer}}}

I've always appreciated your advice on this forum. Sometimes people make mistakes. Especially when vulnerable. I'm sure 22 months without your H left you pretty vulnerable. Geeze, after 2 months I had gave into the temptation. I felt miserable but I came to the conclusion that I'm not a horrible person and I made a mistake. If you want to be with your husband, you will have to be honest with him and expect nothing more from him than what you felt when you found out about his A.

You are a good person no matter what you may think now. You can still work on your marriage. I have high hopes for you.

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I don't get this:


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
Last weekend............

Since then, we have seen each other every day. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then, you say:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I always had the self-respect to know that at least I was honoring the marriage. Now that is gone. It was a HUGE mistake. I've been depressed all week.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IF!! you are depressed for not "honoring the marriage" and that was a "HUGE mistake" (for you are still married), then - why have you kept seeing him??
Isn't it a continuation of "dishonoring the marriage", seeing every day someone you had sex with (and you are still married)?

<small>[ November 01, 2004, 09:09 PM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

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Belonging -

Yes, I did see him everyday for about 4 days, until the regret kicked in. Since then we have talked, and I let him know that I do not want a relationship, which he really knew before.

This is a man who has been a friend for a long time. Now I am not comfortable being friends.

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OK, I (think I) got it all... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

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Believer, I haven't been on board for few day and missed this.

Your Wh said the same thing again and again for how many months already. Which time is true? The more he said that the more you worn out. In my opinion, go get your happy life and a man who can honor and respect you.

I am going more toward this route now. Wh behaves the same, disappearing sometime. But while he was home, he does all the work from dishes, laundry, cooking, to taking out of garbage, cleaning out gutters, rake leaves etc. But he is not here, he is an alien to me. Last Friday was my BD, he bought me gifts worths about $800 and cooked me a nice dinner, with cake. but he was gone the next day. I am getting fed up with this. Plan B is very very close. My mind is made up. I am not afriad anymore.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know that I need to get over it, but it is like the FWS's here. When you go against your beliefs, there is a price to pay - self disgust.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Believer - An understandable feeling, and actually a good one. It would seem to be the Holy Spirit working in your life, doing what He is there to do. That leads to what you have already expressed; conviction, repentance, and forgiveness.

Believer, consider the "degree" of what you did in light of someone else....say David. Yours was not "premediated" and did not involve lieing and deceit and outright planning the murder of someone else's spouse. Yet, when "confronted" and "convicted" of his sin David was convicted, repented and sought God's forgiveness, just as you have done. God forgave him and used him mightily AFTER that time. Yes, there was a consequence, but after the consequence David put on clean clothes and moved forward in obedience to God.

That is where you are today, it would seem. Is there a "level playing field" between you and your husband now? Probably not all that level considering all that he has put you through, but certainly more "level" in the knowing that none of is "immune" from sin. Again, it is not so much the committing of a sin as it is how we respond to the Holy Spirit's conviction of that sin and in renewing our efforts to follow God in humble obedience.

Believer, God has forgiven you and you must also reach the point where your "spiritual" side can forgive your "human" side. A sin, sins, or mistakes, do NOT define, or have to define, who we are as forgiven sinners all.

This is an opportunity for you to really receive the "love of God" into your heart. The walls around your heart may be thick and high, but so were the walls of Jerico. With God, nothing is impossible and God WILL use all the events in our lives to work for good to bring Him honor and glory through our lives. Perhaps by really accepting God's love for you, you will be able to install that "drawbridge" I spoke of in my previous post. I don't profess to know what is going on, but I do find it very interesting that this event should occur JUST when your husband's situation with the OW was crumbling into dust.

I hope that your husband is also a born-again believer because, if so, God is going to be teaching him some very hard lessons now. There are NO guarantees that you and he will continue as a married couple, but God's first order of business is to have both of you, individually, surrender your lives to Him. Only when that "step" is first accomplished will either of you be able to "love as God first loved us."

You are in my prayers. May God continue to lead you in growth and understanding and wisdom and love.

God bless. (((((believer)))))

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Believer, I just caught up with your thread. I am all for values, sticking to our M vows, integrity, etc. But I have to say it deeply offends me if you or others refer to you as a WS, or the man as an OP. You tried to get those D papers to your H. He was playing games with you, stalling you. Maybe he was trying to see if he and the OW would be splitting or not. This behavior could have easily gone on for another 2 months.

As I said in the other post I wrote you, I believe God works in all sorts of ways. If you truly went against your own values, then dust yourself off and get back on track. But please, don't put yourself in the same chategory as someone who is lying, cheating, betraying the person they are married to and living with. This is JMHO, so 2x4's aren't necessary. Let's just agree to disagree. We all have one thing in common. We love Believer and wish her the best! CV

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lostnhurt - Glad to see you posting again. And a belated Happy Birthday to you.

I know WH has constantly said that he would be, could be, should be breaking up with OW, but it never lasted more than a day. And I still don't know if this is real, or just one more manuever.

Foreverhers - The timing is very strange. I don't know when they may have broken up. OW's husband found out that OW and my WH went on a week long vacation together, and when they got back, she moved out of my WH's home and back to her husband.

So it all happened within a day or two, but I'll probably never know anymore than that.

I'm continuing to get back on the right path.

Thanks all for the support.

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Well finally heard from WH today. He wants to come over and talk to me. I asked him if he and OW were still not seeing each other. He said they were not. I asked him what happened, and he said it was a long story.

I told him that we have had lots of talks, and no action. Asked him to write me another letter.

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Thinking of you {{B}}. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

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believer, I still want to know what you're doing for you. You said you were depressed, and you sound like you are. Or... perhaps let's use a different term. You're upset. Grieving. Sad.

Are you taking care of yourself? Buy yourself the tissues with the lotion in them. They help when you have to blow your nose a lot. Have you eaten? Are you sleeping? Do you have a comfortable pillow and blanket that you can curl up with?

Do you have good friends that you can talk to, who can help you work through how you're feeling? I mean, I know everyone here really supports you and is great -- but it's not the same as being able to talk in person and get a hug afterwards.

If you want to e-mail me off the boards, please do. Maybe we can talk some evening in the next few days. I'm worried about you.

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{{{{{{{Believer}}}}}}}

Just want to let you know that you are always in my thought and prayers.

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