So much happened last night I do not know where to start. I will go in order, that might help.

I am going to try to not make this long. The long and short of it is as follows

Suppose to go on date, did not happen again. H picks a fight with me- tells me I am lazy because the laundry is never completely done (5 People) and the dishwasher is not unloaded every day before I leave for work (I leave at 7). I tell him he can sure feel free to pitch in, as I am on over load with all the work I currently have(2 jobs, kids, house). He says he does enough and that I am just doing it all wrong, that I need to prioitize my time more. Tells me to do it his way, will not even consider helping more. All this by 3:10 (I get home at 2:35). I walked in the door and H was on computer and I immediately start unloading the dishwasher when this argument took place. He was telling me I was lazy while he sat on a chair and WATCHED me work, after I just walked in the door. He did not like that I did not agree with him so he went off on me told me to f-off, and when ever I tried to say anything he threw his hand in my face and said "what ever" or "uh-huh, sure". It makes me so mad when he does that. He knows how to push my bottons, and he pushed them hard I lost it and threw the silverwear down all over the floor (LB I know), told him I was sick of living like this, with someone who does not care about me. He said "see I told you you would do this- what happen to changeing and being a better wife if I came back, you pleaded with me, and I see no change"(saying this with a mocking voice). I never said I would sell my soul. I have changed so much, and I have tried, but he has turned into a complete @$$hole, who does not care about me.
Okay then S4, S7 got home from school, and he asked them if they wanted to go out to eat, then came to me and asked if I would stop being a ***** now that he was taking me out, I said pretending that conversation never happend does not help, my feelings are still there. He said "whatever" again and walked away. Dinner was okay however he treated S7 not the best, asking him how his day was (which was good) but when he did not answer right away started to mock him, which you could visually tell hurt him.
Then we got home and he went back on-line right away, and my bestfriends husband was on-line and he proceeded to pretend he was me, and asked my friends Husband if he wanted to [censored]. I was not cool with that. Then H left for bowling and left me to explain the whole situation. Apparently I am the only one standing in the way of "spouse swapping" for a night. I am not okay with messing around with anyone. I can not believe that my H would actually want me to sleep with another man just so he can have variety with my best friend. They told me I was a tease. I was hurt so badly.
After my H got home he told me he does not understand what my problem is, that I should just do it.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
NO THANK YOU!!!!!!!
then he proceeds to make the moves on me, no kissing, nothing soft and emotional. In the middle of SF he tells me that he appriciates it when I give him OS, he just kept repeating that he appriciated it. If I did not feel cheap enough already, that just sent me spirling down. The only good thing was that he snuggled with me after while I fell asleep.

I am very sad today. Crying now. I just don't know what to do.

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

KMEJ- I can only tell you what I would personally do- and that is Plan B immediately. Throughout the posts I have read your H has continued to treat you with extreme disrespect to almost the point (in my opinion) of emotional abuse. And NOW to suggest a *swap*? That is unbelievable- and would be the final straw for me.

Consider also what your boys are learning about respect for you. I mentioned this in another thread- part of their behavior problems with you may stem from the fact that they see their father treat you so horribly.

However, I haven't been the BS so I have no idea whether this is the *right* or *wrong* suggestion for your particular situation. I'm sure some of the experienced Mb'ers will give you their thoughts.
Hang in there.

I told him last night that I wanted to be done and that I needed him to move in with a friend. he laughed in my face, said he was the one who had to leave last time, and that was not going to happen again. Then preceeded to pretend the whole conversation did not happen, and refuses to talk about it.

I have no where to go, he does, too me it is clear that he is not happy, and is determined to do what he wants with no regards to my feelings, he is the one who has a lot of growing up to do. I myself need to learn to argue with out getting so upset and mad, and not to LB

KMEJ,

My family and friends all felt I tolerated WAY too much from my WH, but he NEVER disrespected me the way your WH has you. I read your thread and one, very clear message jumped out at me: Your WH was verbally abusive to you and your son last night, as were your so called friends. Over time that will erode both your and your son's self esteem. Most importantly who mock their children are destroying their children. Its not YOU that needs to change, its your WH - on many levels. Here you are busting your backside to work 2 jobs, raise 2 children, keep a house, etc. and he's criticizing the way you do it? Did I miss something? Is he disabled? What is HE doing to contribute? Just my opinion, but from an outsider's point of view, I'd run and run fast if I were you.....

Regards,

Brit's Brat/BS-43
XH-45
DS-3
Status: D-day 5-02, divorce final 5-04 after 2 years of fighting to save my marriage.

actually we have 3 boys, one is just one and a half- so he does not go to school yet.

No he is not disabled, he works evenings, usually 4-1. Last night is one of his days off because he bowls. I do not feel he does enough, and I was trying in a nice (or so I thought) to get him to help out more, that I was overwelmed. he did not see my point just thought it a perfect oppertunity to tell me that i was just doing it wrong.

Somedays I want to run, other days I remember what kind of a man he use to be, and the thought of him being with someone else scares me. I just feel like I am living alone.

I agree, my s7 has been very sad lately, and refuses to wake his dad up in the morning, so he calls me with his questions, and then gets himself off to school. It breaks my heart. When H wants to be nice him and s7 get along great, I just wish it was more consistant.

Yeah My so-called friends (have been friends for 4 years)- I do not think it is my best friend, I think it is your husband, either way now I am uncomfortable talking with either of them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

anyone?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

KMEJ, I am so sorry for this. Can you do a Plan B? Is your H still in the A? I'm sorry I dont know much of your story! I think it is great that you S7 can get him self ready for school though...Mine wont even try.

Sometimes my H treats my boys with disrespect as well. He mocks them all the time and I hate that. He idd the other morning and I got angry..he proeceeded to tell me I would never change cuz I intervened. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He again did it this morning. As I am making lunches, getting them dressed, making breakfast, running around finidng shoes and belts. He sits on the couch drinking his coffee and watrching TV yelling "GET DRESSED NOW!!!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> He never helps me with the kids.

I know where you are coming from. For your H to suggest what he did, is WRONG! If you can, please consider a Plan B! {{HUGS}}

My H likes to dictate from the couch as well. It is so frustrating when you are doing so much work and are trying in the marriage, and when things do not go their way they accuse you of not changeing. Well when are they going to change? URG. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I have no where to go, and my H refuses to leave. H always likes to pretend after he has said all that he has to say that nothing happened, and that I should just move past it, be over it already. I am still hurting from yesterdays words.
How can I plan B someone who will not leave?

KMEJ:

You need to do END this abuse and kick your Husband out. I don't give a ratS A$$ what any people here are gonna say about "EN's and patience, and Plan A'ing"...YADA YADA YADA. I am sorry my love but you need a stiff 2 X 4 right now. Your husband's actions are deplorable and clearly he doesn't give a $hitt about you RIGHT NOW. I think unfortunately one of the hazards of Plan A'ing and accepting a WH back is exactly what happened to you when your WH said "see I told you you would do this- what happen to changeing and being a better wife if I came back, you pleaded with me, and I see no change"(saying this with a mocking voice) This type of behavior is ONE ONE OF THE PRIMARY REASONS WHY I STILL CONTEND SO CALLED PLAN A'ING IS BEING A DOORMAT AT TIMES. Somehow (and I am sure with a lot of encouragement from here) you have learned to accept the problems in your marriage as your fault and have one way or antoher let your H off the hook. I feel very sorry for your pain but I have to be honest with you here and now...........ANY FURTHER PAIN THAT YOU GET IS YOR FAULT. By choosing to stay married to this man and accept this abuse, you are allowing this. Yes, ofcourse there will be the Plan A zealots who think this is all "fog" and will preach "tolearance" and "patience" and "marriage vows" and "christianity", etc.. but this has begum to become ridiculous. You can't conitnue to be the doormat for your Husbands unhappiness with his life. By staying with him and accepting this behavior, you are subjecting your beautiful children to all of this. Your 7 year old son will feel it the most. Prtoect your children and your dignity....PLEASE LEAVE HIM. I know this is a MB site, but I can't hold this opinion in. YOu will find more than enough people on here to plead with you to save this marriage and just be patient with your husband and to "try and be a better wife", but you won't get this from me. I hope you can come to this realization soon, sadly I think you will probably get more encouragemnt to stay in this marriage and will be back for more punishment. It may take a complete emotional meltdown for you to see all of this. Hey, but at least you can say that you are married. I will say a prayer for you.

I just don't have a clue how you could get him out again to plan B!

It sounds like he is on a bigtime disrespect, provoke, attack track right now.

Someone must have good ideas on prying him out so you can plan B him?!

~sorry you had such a bad night!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Wow Lemonman (sorry for the original mess up on your name by the way). There was a reason I seeked your opinion out. Yesterday I was ready to leave. I really was, then all of a sudden he was back to being Mr. Nice Guy. I look at my kids and I feel I am stuck. I want them to have both parents. Or at least a male figure. My H is right, I have 3 kids, I am a package deal, no man is ever going to want me again. H on the other hand can walk away with out children not pay child support and start a whole new life as if we never existed, he has done it once. We barely stayed afloat then. But I was starting to be happy again.

Thanks picklesaresour-

I need help in getting him out, or at least in the basement.

I want my H, I want a real H not what I have.

I can safely honestly say I am getting really depressed. I do not like the feeling.

Anyway to get anti depressants with out going into a clinic?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> I look at my kids and I feel I am stuck. I want them to have both parents. Or at least a male figure. My H is right, I have 3 kids, I am a package deal, no man is ever going to want me again. H on the other hand can walk away with out children not pay child support and start a whole new life as if we never existed, he has done it once. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!

WHAT DO you MEAN no man is ever going to want you again b/c you have 3 kids???? Thsi is what your H has been telling you?

I take back what I said above- he IS abusing you emotionally. Please try to step back and think about what you just said rationally.

AND NO you are NOT necessarily part of a package deal for your H either. He can have a relationship with your kids- that does NOT involve you as his spouse. Ark made this point on another thread recently- and I think it is a good one.

Finally- he MUST pay child support or have his wages garnished.

Plan B- if he won't leave- you leave. I'd get in touch with a good attny who can help you figure out how to go about this with the kids. I hesitate to say Plan D b/c I just don't know enough about the situation or have enough experience - will leave that to others.

at the begining of the A, H lost his job b/c of it, and blames me for that, since I did not keep my mouth shut. Reminded me of how he blames me just last night (b/c I told about the A). I try to tell him it was his behavior as a manager sleeping with and employee that got him fired, however typically Managers are transferred not fired, however I worked there too, and I had quit immediately (OW worked there too- this was my 2nd job) and I guess they saw how much I hurt and were trying to get H away from OW ( turned out she quit the day he was fired).
Okay point, he did not work for months, and spent all the money, and did not help out AT ALL. He has stated many times that he will not pay child support and he will either work under the table or move and then I will have no help at all. He only says this when he is crabby or mad, but I know he means it.

H says he either would want Full custody or NO custody, and in MN it is a very mother friendly state. I know he loves his children, but I fear he would be a disney land dad, only showing up occasionally. That is what he did for 10 months. He even chose the OW (hard to call her a women when she was a 19year old homewreaker, but okay) on Christmas eve.

as far as me finding someone else, again that is something he says when he is mad. I either won't find someone, or he will be a loser, or I am out looking for someone to leave him for. What ever he feels like saying to me that time.


Not trying to make H out to be this horriable guy, He has good traits too. I married him because he was wonderfully romantic, caring, sweet, responsible and fun. those traits are in there somewhere.

I feel like a sinking ship rapidly gaining water.

KMEJ-

Think about this- the father of your children says that he would not support them uless he has full custody? That turns my stomach.

Also- as far as finding someone else...well, that really isn't the issue. What the issue is is whether you can be happy with this man - and I want you to seriously think about that.

I'm in MN too- and if you need help finding a family law attny I could ask around for some referrals.

KMEJ,

I have replied to you on the Recovery board. Let me just this here. You said several things -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> at the begining of the A, H lost his job b/c of it, and blames me for that, since I did not keep my mouth shut. Reminded me of how he blames me just last night (b/c I told about the A). I try to tell him it was his behavior as a manager sleeping with and employee that got him fired, however typically Managers are transferred not fired, however I worked there too, and I had quit immediately (OW worked there too- this was my 2nd job) and I guess they saw how much I hurt and were trying to get H away from OW ( turned out she quit the day he was fired). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Until H realizes that HIS behavior is what caused him to lose his job, you telling him is not going to do a thing. He needs to come to this realization on his own.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Okay point, he did not work for months, and spent all the money, and did not help out AT ALL. He has stated many times that he will not pay child support and he will either work under the table or move and then I will have no help at all. He only says this when he is crabby or mad, but I know he means it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then let him go to jail! He will have to learn the HARD way. The law WILL catch up to him & he will pay the price!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H says he either would want Full custody or NO custody, and in MN it is a very mother friendly state. I know he loves his children, but I fear he would be a disney land dad, only showing up occasionally. That is what he did for 10 months. He even chose the OW (hard to call her a women when she was a 19year old homewreaker, but okay) on Christmas eve.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If MN is a mother-friendly state, then let him sue you. He'll have to prove you unfit to get his kids & he won't be able to b/c you're not! If he chooses to not see them at all, that is HIS loss. You can provide your children a loving home & give them lots of love. My sister did it for many years, raising her daughter alone while my niece's father snorted his life away.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I married him because he was wonderfully romantic, caring, sweet, responsible and fun. those traits are in there somewhere.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They might be in there somewhere, but he is not allowing you to see them. It could very well be that he is NOT that person anymore. He could have told you, shown you what you wanted to see at the time & then turned into someone else. I've seen it happen to many couples. Too many, unfortunately. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Y

fair enough.

My H says he would not support them, however all the while he was spending the money during his A he always made sure that there was enough money left for the bills (which he continued to make sure were paid, writeing the checks, since I do not do that). So I am thinking that might be all talk.
H loves his children, I can not really see him walking away from them completely. Again I rather see this as all talk.

I know the good man is burried deep in my H. Hopefully he will reser-face- before it is too late. As it is rapidly becoming too late.

I am tired of feeling unloved and ignore. However how do I say good bye to what we had? The good times that made is laugh. I thought we would get to see forever, but it seems forever has gone away. It is so hard to say good bye. I do not know where this road is going to take us. All I know is where I have been, and what I have been through. If we get to see tomorrow, I hope it is worth all the pain and sorrow that we have been through. I want to bring more happiness out of the A. I do not want to give up.

Also I made contact with a I/C center. Maybe that will help me sort all this out.

I think it will be a great thing for you to do some IC and sort out what you want and what you need. Just take care of yourself and your kids, ok?

I think I'd share with him this and enforce it.

H, I know there is an attractive, fun to be with, loving man in there, but something has happened to him. The man I see today is NOT the man I fell in love with, NOT the man I married.

He is not welcome to spend time with me.

I do love that man I married, and when he is ready to return, I'm ready to let him in.

But this stranger who replaced him is not welcome.

Then I'd go to great lengths to describe the man you loved and how great he made you feel, and how proud you were to know him, have his children, etc.

Then say, if there is anyway that you can help find him again, you are willing to do that, but you cannot live or work with the ugly imposter who has taken up residence in his body.

If he won't leave, then take the children and go, if you feel you must.

You can't make him leave, you can only decide what you will do.

TB

I really do not want to leave
I really do not want him to leave
I really want him to go to counseling with me
I want my Husband back
one who does not shut me down when I try to speak and explain my feelings
I want to not have to walk on eggshells around my husband to avoid a conflict or a depressed withdrawn spouse.
I want a H that wants to spend time with me and is pleasent when he is with me.

Maybe I want to much...