After the 5 month seperation...we began a new 7/2/04 when Deb finally gave me the truth. We have as far as me....getting along fairly well until about a week ago when she started running with younger friends from work. Yesterday at 1pm she phoned me at work...telling me she was thinking of going to her Mom's after work. When I returned home...there was a awkward sounding message saying ..."I'm not going to Mom's...it's 5:30 PM and I tried to reach you at work....I'm going to "her GF's" don't worry....I love you".
To show trust I didn't call around...this morning I left message on her cell to have someone just let me know she is safe. Prayer's for Deb please.

Well, she just called...she is on her way home. Asked me "how can you love me?". She said that I deserve better...maybe we wasn't suppossed to be married etc.. Said that "I think I'm going crazy"...I told her the reason I got thru the night was prayer....and told her to remember how things was so great when we both lived as a Christian couple. She said "I love you"...I'm coming home. Thank be the Lord for my patience and strenght.

I could stand to learn something from you. YOu are a stong a man. Hang in there!!!

WB

That's how Plan A works! Well done.

SD

Thanks for the support...Deb came home...with the " I'm unlovable"..."I'm bad for you."...etc.
I do truly believe she spent the night at her 28 yr. old "partygirl co-workers". Her family is mad about me sharing this with their Pastor. She showered and headed over her brothers to help with his new computer and see her Mom. I said I could go....but her Mom is upset with me...she said "I Love you"...but I'm so confused I feel physo".

Well it's 7 PM now...she had phoned a little bit ago, and was leaving her Mom's to come home. I'm to thr point of not knowing exactly how to treat her? Any thoughts?

one thing comes to min- my dad's favorite saying-

If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

Talk with her, do not pry. Pretend perhaps that you had a great day with out her. You want her to want you.

Just my 2 cents. Wish I was worth more on this subject.

Welderboy,

I have no idea what to say to you, excecpt that your wife is screwed up and you deserve better. She needs to go off somewhere and get her act together.

It ain't right the way she is treating you and it scares me.

I hope she gets it together soon, but if you are bound and determined to stick by her through this than keep doing what you are doing.

Your strength is amazing to me. I couldn't stay so calm and strong like you. You are becoming my hero, and I hope for your sake that this doesn't go on too long.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shattered dreams:
<strong> WB

That's how Plan A works! Well done.

SD </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is exactly what I can not understand. As far as I can see, this "RECOVERY" is now back to zero. Do you "really" belive that she just stayed at GF's last night and did not see the OM. DO you really belive this? HOw can you someone be in a "supposed" recovery and then not have their wife call them all night and then in the am call and say " I am a bad woman, I love you". JFC, this is what drives me absolutley insane. How can anyone be so much in the fog not to see that there is continued contact.....HOW????? I am sorry welder for my tone, but I feel sorry for you for dealong with this (well , not really, becasue you are choosing this). If you tolerate this behavior then you need to tolerate this everyime she feels "bad". Good luck with everything, you will need it. I guess I will never understand this behovoir by BS when confronted with conitnued betrayal like this. Please wake up and stop "rationalizing" her behavior.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> one thing comes to min- my dad's favorite saying-

If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

Talk with her, do not pry. Pretend perhaps that you had a great day with out her. You want her to want you.

Just my 2 cents. Wish I was worth more on this subject. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So just so I understand this all...Welderboy is supposed to act "ok" with this right? He shouldn't pry or ask where the hell his wife was all night (when she has already shown MULTIPLE) times that she can't be trusted to be faithful). Right? He now should bear the brunt of his inlaws anger becasue he "told the pastor" about the affair, and now he feels guilty for all of this...He shouldn't really be able to talk to his wife about any of this b/c this will obviosuly spark a "LB", and he wants her to feel
"comfortable" and wants her to "come back to the wonderful marriage" becasue she needs to "feel loved". AND just to top it all off she was "OUT ALL NIGHT DOING GOD KNOWS WHAT" and now she is gonna spend the day AWAY from him and helping her brother fix the computer...........BUT he can't go b/c Mom is mad. I want someone to tell me with a staright face how this is dignified, how this is not "doormat" behavior. Explain to me how any rational person accepts this beahvior. Please folks, I need to know how so many people can be blind to this. HOW ????????

lemonman- that is not what I meant at all. I just meant not to pick a fight. Heck yes he should let her know that he is disappointed that she was gone all night, down right mad even. I just meant that name calling or yelling would not solve anything. I was trying to say find a way to have a conversation not an arguement.

Does that help?

I am not blind either. I hate being a door mat and I typically lose my cool when someone tries to make me one. Plan A is not suppose to be being a door mat, that is just what so many people interprite it to be. It is about not LB'ing. However blowing said spouse off for a family thing and saying he can not come is a major LB'er on her part. PLEASE that lade could use some help.

In my opinion, him accepting this behavior from her is "doormat" behavior. plain and simple. yes,m I can see him trying to not "yell and scream" with her, but she had learned that there are no consequences to her actions. He is encouraged to just stay in "Plan A" and be compassionate. Well, where does this get him? He is on this MB, saying "I feel psycho" and IS ALONE, while his wife who he is in "recovery" with is at the family's without him b/c the fanilyis "mad at him". And to just make him feel more energized about this, someone on here calls him "a hero" for this. Well, I will just better pipe down before I get censored again.

Welder, good luck in "recovering" your wonderul wife.

don't pipe down, I have been censored too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I hate being treated like crap. I would not tell anyone to take that. I think he SHOULD ask where she has been, and why she would blow him off all day, and especially why she puts her families needs ahead of their M, the whole two are now one bit.

I feel bad for this guy, I think his W is attempting to pull the wool over his eyes(sorry). If she is really as confused as she comes across, there needs to be help for her fast- or he needs to run for the hills. Not to be mean, and not that I have room to talk, as I can not seem to get myself to run when I KNOW I SHOULD!!!

First of all...it's her that said " I'm so confused I feel Psyhco". I kept cool today...cause I'm tryingt a better plan A. I've lost count of all the times I thought we were on track. I think I've been too pressured to find out ..."do you love me?"...."are you committed to this?". Anyhow...I'd been a butthole in the past...she said "for 2 years I wasn't sure if you was committed to our marriage"...so for now, I'll walk by faith. She needs prayer. I was going to church while seperated and she went 1 time...the first weekend back together. I feel, "it takes 3 for a great marriage"...Deb, I and the Lord. I'm hurt...yes, but I do trust that she was not with OM.

Welderboy:

If you found out that she was with the OM last night, how would you handle that? Is it that really you don' what to know. maybe it is just me, but how does a wife who has been as unfaithful as yours pull this kind of diappearing act and yest still gets trust from you. You can be guided by faith, and I hope for your sake she is true to her word, but as with everything else, WORDS ARE MEANIGLESS, ACTIONS ARE WHAT COUNT, and your WS is acting like someone still in an affaair. Doing what she sis last night is not something a wife in "recovery" does. Slice it anyway you want, make any rationalization you want, but these are the facts that are scremaing at you in the face....yet you answer that by having "faith" and Plan A'ing. You should be congratulated for doing a great Plan A. any pain that you encounter from your WW, you deserve, all due to the fact that you are choosing to do this. Goo luck my friend. Hopefully more people will be on this Mb to encourage you to give more for your wife's EN's and Plan A. I cannot do that for you now.

I disagree with Lemonman say you deserve this (sorry). You did not ask to be cheated on, you did not ask to give your whole heart to someone only to have it trampled on. You are trying to make your M work, and I commend you on that, however you can not do it on your own, and I am thinking if your W thinks she is physco and is pulling an emotion mind game on you I think it is time for a plan b, give her time to figure out what she wants and needs, take away her crutch. Make her stand on her own two feet, maybe that will clear her head faster, and stop leaving you home to wonder.

KMEJ:

Let me repahrase what i was saying. Welderboy ofcourse does not deserve pain, but by choosing to accept his wife's behavior and stay in his marriage he is CHOOSING this for himself. That is what I meant. He in his mind has a marriage and wife worth saving, so he is choosing to accept this life is hopes that he will "recover" with her someday. I don't want him to be in such pain, but he is choosing this for himself and shoudl accept the consequences for HIS actions.

well said Lemonman- seems you and I are bouncing between posts!!

I do not understand why so many of us subject ourselves to the sting of rejection over and over with our spouses (me included) what makes them so great? Is it that we do not want to see them with someone else, don't want them to be happy (since that is what they think they will be- wake up call would most likely come later) is it we are afraid of the unknown, the financial aspect- really what? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

What keeps us coming back for more blows to the chest? We work ourselves up about every little thing, we let people who were suppose to always be there through thick and thin walk all over us, and for what? The sake of staying married, of keeping our marriage vows. Life is short what are we doing to ourselves? I mean really!

Whoa- do not quite know where that came from...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> well said Lemonman- seems you and I are bouncing between posts!!

I do not understand why so many of us subject ourselves to the sting of rejection over and over with our spouses (me included) what makes them so great? Is it that we do not want to see them with someone else, don't want them to be happy (since that is what they think they will be- wake up call would most likely come later) is it we are afraid of the unknown, the financial aspect- really what? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

What keeps us coming back for more blows to the chest? We work ourselves up about every little thing, we let people who were suppose to always be there through thick and thin walk all over us, and for what? The sake of staying married, of keeping our marriage vows. Life is short what are we doing to ourselves? I mean really!

Whoa- do not quite know where that came from... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">maybe we should stop talking.........LOL, you posted something that I would post. You are coming over to the dark side.....joke. Just habg on, hopefully someone will be along in "recovery" and steer you back to "saving your beautiful marriage". Remember KMEJ, I am not someone to model yourslef after. I am getting divorced and would not/did not do what Harley, ect preach. Please do not "give up" the fight for your marriage based on anything I have to say. there are so many people who have died a thousand deaths for their marriage and are supposedly recovered now, so they are the people that you should talk to about this. Either way, I do appreciate your interest in my life.