</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong>
I found out yesterday that H has been now downloading the stuff. What is the purpose? Do you suppose I do not turn him on? Okay granted I had three kids, no longer the hotest body. But then again I Had 3 of HIS kids and I am a size 8/9, and 5'6-not sure what the hang up is. Is it because I am blond with blue eyes and not brunette with brown eyes (op)?? What is the deal?

Is there something that works for men to get him interested again?????? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's not you! Remember that. Repeat it to yourself. HE has a problem. I have BTDT w/my FWH. He told me (during an incredibly eye opening conversation) that he turned to porn b/c he felt he couldn't have ME! It was me he was after all along but we had stopped being nice to each other and well, you know how it goes.

The porn was a bandaid for him and then it became an addiction. A way to ease the pain so to speak. We've since learned that I wasn't wanted SF with him b/c he showed me no affection and he was showing me no affection b/c he wasn't getting SF! What an evil cycle!

Now he's very affectionate and I can't keep my hands off him!

If you can find a way to have some serious hard core talks with your husband about love, romance, and SF maybe you all can get on a better track here.

KMEJ,

I think I can find a copy of the questionaiire. It's pretty basic.

But..you could also make your own. Just think about some of the sexual practices that you and your husband have tried or talked about...and make up a form to rate them on a scale of 1 to 5.

It was a good exercise for us because it dispelled a lot of myths: I always thought my wife wanted someone really adventurous. She always thought the same about me. But..it turns out, that what we really wanted was simplicity and feeling. I also learned a lot about what she doesn't like...and that's imrproved things immensely.

Thanks for the imput. I find it easier to wonder what I did wrong, or what is wrong with me b/c then I have a chance at fixing the problem. If it was my H then I have to sit back and wait for him to make the changes.

I love him very much. I want a SFing relationship with him. I want us to be open both physically and emotionally. I need affection.

That and when I call him for a date I need him not to snap at me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Well..did you give him that list of yours yet?

Also..have you done the EN questionairre?

He will not exchange lists with me. Has his list under password protection. Do I just give him mine?

I did the EN survey, asked him too, he did not, I gave him mine anyway. He never mentioned it. I do not know if he even read it. I would like to think so!!

His list is password protected? He's the one who asked you to do this, right? Why won't he give it to you?

It sounds, my friend, like your husband takes you very much for granted. He figures that you haven't left him...and he hasn't had to change his behavior..so why bother to work on things? Unless there are real CONSEQUENCES...he's probably not going to make an effort.

Maybe if you broach the EN thing in a different way...tell him that it will give you more insight into ways to make him happy...and to keep him more sexually fulfilled. Would that prompt him to do it?

Hi guys...and gals.

SF, oh what a tough topic. My fww and I did our lists about 3 weeks following her return home. I scaled back my true feelings towards SF, and put down 2-3 times per day. That was my halving what I felt were true desires at the time, not just momentary thoughts of sex. The problem is that until you actually do that more than once or twice, you can't really say that is what you want... sort of a tough spot. I still do feel that I could easily handle twice a day though, now, 11 months later. Right now, three times ever two weeks, is about the standard, and nowhere near satisfactory for me. My SF boundaries are near there edge. It really has to do more with looking down the road, and wanting a fulfilling sex life, not looking back at it and wishing I had done something different. And really, it's not that I desire any outrageous stuff, more quantity is the biggest factor. (I really don't want to find myself at 45-50, and have some younger gal that is sexually aggressive taunting me with an internal weakness like that.) If my wife has a desire that I am capable of fulfilling, I say simply speak up, I pretty much have always done anything she ever asked of me.

I can tell you that there are some lurkers on the board that have been going 2+ years, and some that are periliously longer (way too long) and are still waiting for SF. So, that can give you some perspective. I agree that waiting a small time for your fws to regain their footing in the marriage is appropriate. But, here is my approach, agree on it together. Say, honey, I extremely desire you, and I understand, right now, sex is difficult for you...so, let's agree to abstain for a time period. This way, YOU KNOW what you are up against. I think a 1-2 month period is long enough, personally. I would say 1 month. It's long, but not extreme... then, agree to have a night away together...rent a room in a nice spot, away from the house and kids and stuff. Put alot into it, from your side, as a man, get the romantic room stuff, maybe champagne and strawberries, a massage kit, a special bath suite, whatever... for the ladies, go overboard, sex him up.. get the sexy gowns/panties/bras, whatever...get a bit risky. Enjoy the opportunity to grow a bit.

(btw, this does have some biblical merit, agreeing to abstain FOR A TIME together) so, that is why I go ahead and suggest it. I believe, as you are currently experiencing, if it is one sided, with no signs of letting up, it will go for a very long time, and the BS builds up an extreme resentment, and in turn, you have a separation or divorice ensue down the road. Try to be proactive on this issue, I also think the WS has fears that they don't acknowledge, and would rather sweep them under the rug, and let them sit there forever.

that is a good suggestion. If I were getting none at all I would climb the walls. I guess my 1-2 times a week is better then those getting 0 times a week. How horrible would that be?

Is there any WS reading this that can enlighten us as to why it is that you do not want SF with your BS? Or as to how to regain that?
Thanks

Bump this to the top, I'd like to hear from WW and WH.

Hi Bear,
Me again. I asked earlier, hopefully someone is around tonight so that we can get some answers that will help us....
KMEJ

Wait a minute, didn't you have a date tonight? I read something about bowling league a little earlier.

I also read about your struggles right now, so sorry. Why can't our WS's just act like considerate human beings? Is the whole world filled with selfish people?

Hmmm, if you can tell me what all those codes mean, I may be able to assist....I've been in every situation imaginable!

After an affair, sex is all about ownership and competition with the other party involved, not about love anymore, even though you may fool yourself into thinking that it is.

Once the desire to compete has subsided, you will really start noticing how much you loathe your spouse for straying...

*****edit******

<small>[ November 05, 2004, 08:17 AM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Whooo tocg, you sure seem bitter !

You make an interesting point about ownership and competition, and I won't deny I knew when we 'did it' more times after the A than they did IN the affair.

However I'm not sure post affair sex is always as murky as you make out.

I relly don't think of him having sex with her all the time as we have sex. It HAS crossed my mind and then SF stops almost immediately, but thats like twice in the dozens of times we made love since d-day.

Also we enjoy each others bodies in a very loving way sometimes. Lots of touching twitching teasing and kissing.

While I am sure that theres a lot more going on that there was PRE affair, I don't think its all bad.

For weeks I thought I'd never find her sexually attractive ever again, but I just, well, DO !.

I find now that I sometimes DELIBERATELY picture them together to remind me I ought to be angry and resentful. When I realise that, I dismiss the thought. It must be a positive sign of recovery I guess.

WHy are you so bitter TOCG, can you explain how you feel ?

C'mon you really picture them together cause ***edit***! Not for the reasons you say....
The more she appears desireable to others, the more you want to put your mark of ownership on her!

<small>[ November 05, 2004, 08:19 AM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Bitter, not bitter....only jealous ****edit****** BTW, they only ever admitted to one kiss, but to me it's all the same....

<small>[ November 05, 2004, 08:20 AM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T.O. city girl:
<strong> C'mon you really picture them together****edit*****! Not for the reasons you say....
The more she appears desireable to others, the more you want to put your mark of ownership on her! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope you kept the recipt for that 'teach yourself mindreading' book TOCG, 'cos it ain;t working. You need a refund ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 05, 2004, 08:21 AM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

keep fooling yourself, the power of suggestion can sometimes be hypnotizing!

Because your haemorrhoid hurts you to sit down TOCG, it doesn't mean that everyone else who sits easily ALSO has a haemorrhoid but is in denial.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sorry you hurt so much. I hurt too, but not because I am excited by or obsessing about my wifes sex with another man.

Thanks for everyone's replies, and I too am glad for the insight of FWH's and FWW's. I really don't care what they did together as there is nothing now left that is something that just my H and I shared together, I'm sure he did the same things with her that we did together (sexually). My only question is I always wonder if it was better with her than it was with me, I mean, after all, while he was having the A, our SF was virtually non existent. I'd like to get some input on that from FWS's, was it better with the A partner or did you put so much into trying to be a good lover because the OW/OM was new and you felt that you had to prove yourself? One more thing, were you unable to have relations with your spouse during the A due to guilt or because you just didn't want your spouse anymore?