Thanks AN,

your post was really insightful and honest. You sound like you are now able to look back a bit at what has happened and have some perspective. I guess many of us here, me included, are waiting for the day when we are there.

I agree about SF - the only times when I really felt that things were improving between us were while there was a lot of SF. At the moment - H doesnt even want that. I am losing the will to carry on - Id love to know where you H got that well of patience so I can get some too.

thanks

>>>>>M was 30 yrs in when A happened. We were soul mates and still are. One thing I did that was out of place... we have had sex over 700 times in the last 2 yrs. I started out doing it to keep him. Then kept it up to allow me to rant, and then got addicted to it. >>>>

My situation parallels yours even though the reasons are maybe a little different.
We have had sex 5-7 times a week for 6 weeks now. At first it was me needing the connection to WW (mind/love S as opposed to physical release S) but soon it shifted to more of a subconscious dominance thing...keeping her happy at home so to speak (her hormone levels are still pretty high because of the A) but now it seems like we just like to make out with each other. I don't think she is imagining I'm "him" with her like she was probably doing in the beginning.
At first, I was, in a way trying to punish her with sex...way more aggressive and rough than we had ever been (not violent but she knew there was a difference)just to see if I could get some kind of reaction from her. She knew I was hurting bad and kept her thoughts to herself.


>>>>>If I had cheated on my H and he reacted like I did, I'd have given up. Maybe if you give up, your H will realise how much he wants to stay with you. Do make sure that you provide lots of sex btw. Sex (orgasm) releases hormones that cause you to bond with your partner. It should not be underestimated. The more, the better. >>>>>

Had the situation been the other way around, we would probably have split up as well. I'm way more calculating and logical than W. I put a logical spin on an emotional situation that made it at least bearable, if not much fun. I don't think she could have done that. She said she neede to find her own place so she could discover who she was. I suggested if she left she might find me gone when she made up her mind. It would be too late to try to repair our M if she ran away instead of rolling up her sleaves with me and trying to fix it.


I have found since we are on this sex marathon that the after S cuddling has improved a lot and I think this has allowed us to reforge a link that had failed over the years. There is nothing quite so healing as being vulnerable to each other lying spent in the arms of your partner as the "glow" fades. Almost wants to make me take up smoking again!

Hi Brian, Good to hear this. Time is against me. I had wanted to write back to Smur too. So hopefully I can reserrect this thread when time permits. Just glad to hear that your M has taken on this activity. I think it's been very good for us. And it does create attachment. (I saw it on the telly!!! So it must be true!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

AN

Brian,

Wow, how did you come to this decision: "She said she neede to find her own place so she could discover who she was. I suggested if she left she might find me gone when she made up her mind"?

I am struggling with almost no physical affection and what H calls a temporary seperation for the past 3 1/2 months.

Loy, Please don't take anything I say as being an expert opinion...I'm just a freshly skinned husband who has been examining everything I/we have said for the last 2-4 months to try to figure out what has gone wrong and what, if anything is worth fixing or restoring.

"Wow, how did you come to this decision"

I guess it's because the initial impression of most BS's is that we have been so trivialized by the WS's affair that our confidence and impression of self worth has taken a huge hit.
My comment to her was made several weeks after discovery. She was really in terrible shape for the first week (so was I) so we sort of agreed not to try any damage control at all until we had our heads back on straight. Her position right from the beginning was her A was something she needed to do for herself and she didn't know why...that's why she needed time alone to figure out her own feelings and to try to determine what in her had changed to make her susceptible to advances from another man. (she was in an unadmitted and probably unrecognized EA for several months at this time).
My feelings (with a lot of verification from memebers here) was if she left it would be to make it easier to be with the OM without having to answer to or think about me/us.
If she did leave, the longer we were apart the more damage I would suffer. At some point, being a reasonable person, I would have to determine when the line in the sand was getting too close and write off the relationship as being a very bad investment on my part. Did you ever spend too much money on an old car that keep letting you down when you really needed it to work for you? Sometimes you have to junk the thing and take a taxi for a while until you determine if there is a new model out there that will suit your needs.
I think my reasoning behind my comment to her was together we can work on the relationship and on helping her find herself. Apart we couldn't work on one d**med thing together. In her quest to find herself, I would be able to support her on her road to self discovery...to be her anchor so she could find her way back to relatively solid ground. If after her journey, she still needed to go, then that's OK but at least it would be for the right reasons instead of because of the A. We both love each other. She just loves one extra person.
So far she is still here. But I am making plans for a possible split. That part sucks...

Brian,

I know that my H and I have been separated for almost 4 months, the A has been over since April, but I think I'm going to do up the antee and jump start a plan A lifestyle for myself. If anything it'll buy my marriage more time, and give me more self confidence and independence. Reading Ark's post on Plan A are beautiful. It's what my soul needs right now.

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective.

Brian,

I know that my H and I have been separated for almost 4 months, the A has been over since April, but I think I'm going to up the antee and jump start a plan A lifestyle for myself. If anything it'll buy my marriage more time, and give me more self confidence and independence. Reading Ark's post on Plan A is beautiful. It's what my soul needs right now.

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective.