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This will be a tough day as the A will be exposed again in a MOST National light. I'll be thinking of you today and Mom and taping the show. (Or in the words of the late, great Sullivan...the "Shoooeew")

Once OW sees the show she will most likely try to contact you to straighten the story out, or tell you one more tidbit...please resist the temptation, every contact with her is continuing the A and back to square one.

This is your life, and especially with an OC, there will be excuses your entire life for you and the OW to be in contact and for hte A to reignite. And this is Mom's life...can you see why she wants to give up?

So...what can YOU do to reassure her? When she wrote that you called her when you were in the parking lot at the NH because OW was there to ask what to do...bravo!! You scored points with Mom. But the withdrawal can be hard on a BS, because they know you are waffling and could go back to the OW at any moment.

My suggestion? Come up with a plan, make a plan for every possible situation that could come up...talk ith over with Mom...POJA the heck out of any possible contact with OW.

What to do right now while she's gone? Write to her, every thought, every nasty little thought no matter how hurtful...these letters don't have to go to her...you can revise them later and give her the rewritten edition...instead of the letter with the gory details about how you miss the OW's smell, let Mom know there are things about the OW you miss...

I'm thinking about you and Mom!!!

(Edited to add...)

Read this to my FWH and asked if this was good advice, he said "I think so". Asked if there was anything else I could add? He said, "That it will get better."

It will get better, the pain you feel for OW will lessen, the anger and hurt you see in Mom's eyes will lessen, and the love will return...but there is no hope for this until the OW is OUT of hte picture entirely. Speaking from a year out from the start of recovery, it DOES get better!!

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: StillHereMakingIt ]</small>

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Wow...I just got done watching the Dr. Phil show. Mom--*hugs* I do say that I wish there was a 'happy ending' to the show.
So many things that D23B said hit home with my situation.
Did anyone tape the show? I would really like a tape, but I completly forgot.
I would like my H to watch it sometime when he is gone.
Keep us posted...
Danielle

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I was on national TV exposing a portion of my personal life ... about 16 years ago. ~People's Court~

I had NO idea how many people would recognize me ... ~especially~ patients. "Oh, I saw you on TV."

It was embarrasing. And I WON, it was still embarrasing. And there are RE-RUNS season after season. Just when you think everyone has forgotten about it, there it is again in re-run. Our case was about a pit bull dog attack, and every time there was a dog bite story on the news... there I was again ... "Yes your honor." I was so tired of hearing about it ... years after it was aired.

I would never do it again.

I suspect this Dr Phil show will impact not only D23B's personal reputation, but will have financial consequences as well. People looking for a Doc to take care of their ailing family member... if given a choice, would probably choose a Doc who did not get his nurse pregnant, and go on TV to talk about it.

I am not saying this is right or wrong, but I suspect this will be one of the many consequences from the TV exposure.


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I watched the show this morning. I'm sitting here shaking my head in disbelief. I know Dad was being honest, but feeling like your wife is below you, that she is stupid? And some of those little smirks when the Ow was brought up.

Dad you need to make a choice and stop dragging Mom through this.

I'm on both sides of the fence here, been cheated on and have also done the cheating. I also know what you are going through. It takes alot of strength to stand up and go NC with the OP. Especially when a child is involved. If, IF you want to make your marriage work it can be done. It's not an easy road, but it can happen.

Best of luck to both of you.

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jph/LemonhJead

I am not in denial. I made the statement do to GOOD medical facts.
Fact one: OW was sexually active with her BF the month she conceived. Mom spoke to her BF in great lengths. The BF confirmed that they (OW and BF) were together ALOT.

Fact 2: based on her LMP and US EDC (mom has those dates) DAD was with MOM and 3 boys on a camping trip during the time conception was most probable.

Fact 3: OW has proven time and time again to be a lair.

Is there a chance the baby is Dad's ? of course
he was with OW that month too. Funny though how the OW INSISTS it's Dads even though she was with the BF. Also remember how OW wanted BOTH BF and DAD in the delivery. Now why would a woman want that ?? so I will keep my doubts until paternity test is done.

I totally disagree with JPH that this is dads "character" This has been a few months of his character. What about the other 14 years he has spent with MOM ? I guess that man never really existed? DAD is not a serial cheater
This is his first (and hopefully last) experience with being unfaithful. I imagine all the feelings of confusion Moms pain and this pregnancy has him half crazy.

And for the record on him working in a nursing home and dealing with death. Well I can speak only for my own situation. When it's your own family It is very different. especially when there is disease and suffering. I watched my H go through it, and recently I went through it.
Death is part of Medicine, But trust me it is not what these people went into medicine for.
They went there to heal, cure and save.
I could go on but you wont get it.
It was not an excuse for Dad, I talk to Mom all the time. I noticed Dad's personality change drastically every time Mom's father take a turn for the worst.
It's an observation. One I made based on my own experiences as a RN watching Doctors give "bad news" to families (their own personalities changing). And my own experience with my H.

There is no excuse for infidelity, NONE. It is a rotten thing to do to someone you love. It is a rotten thing to do to the Mother/Father of your children, period. I am glad I came here before I became a WW.

I know I have been "over supportive" to Mom and Dad. I guess because I am more privy to the situation. I really believe their marriage can be saved. That man Loves her and I know Mom Loves him. They have very unique boys that need their father. And if this baby is Dad's I know Mom will accept the situation. That woman is tough as nails !!!
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Whenever the comment is made "But this is the first and only affair so-and-so has had..."

I always say to myself "that we know of".

It may be. But we really could not say that with certainty. Just because we don't know of a previous affair, doesn't constitute a "fact" that there was not one.

Just don't know. And that includes my own FWH as well.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StressedOutMom:
<strong> jph/LemonhJead

I am not in denial. I made the statement do to GOOD medical facts.
Fact one: OW was sexually active with her BF the month she conceived. Mom spoke to her BF in great lengths. The BF confirmed that they (OW and BF) were together ALOT.

Fact 2: based on her LMP and US EDC (mom has those dates) DAD was with MOM and 3 boys on a camping trip during the time conception was most probable.

Fact 3: OW has proven time and time again to be a lair.

Is there a chance the baby is Dad's ? of course
he was with OW that month too. Funny though how the OW INSISTS it's Dads even though she was with the BF. Also remember how OW wanted BOTH BF and DAD in the delivery. Now why would a woman want that ?? so I will keep my doubts until paternity test is done.

I totally disagree with JPH that this is dads "character" This has been a few months of his character. What about the other 14 years he has spent with MOM ? I guess that man never really existed? DAD is not a serial cheater
This is his first (and hopefully last) experience with being unfaithful. I imagine all the feelings of confusion Moms pain and this pregnancy has him half crazy.

And for the record on him working in a nursing home and dealing with death. Well I can speak only for my own situation. When it's your own family It is very different. especially when there is disease and suffering. I watched my H go through it, and recently I went through it.
Death is part of Medicine, But trust me it is not what these people went into medicine for.
They went there to heal, cure and save.
I could go on but you wont get it.
It was not an excuse for Dad, I talk to Mom all the time. I noticed Dad's personality change drastically every time Mom's father take a turn for the worst.
It's an observation. One I made based on my own experiences as a RN watching Doctors give "bad news" to families (their own personalities changing). And my own experience with my H.

There is no excuse for infidelity, NONE. It is a rotten thing to do to someone you love. It is a rotten thing to do to the Mother/Father of your children, period. I am glad I came here before I became a WW.

I know I have been "over supportive" to Mom and Dad. I guess because I am more privy to the situation. I really believe their marriage can be saved. That man Loves her and I know Mom Loves him. They have very unique boys that need their father. And if this baby is Dad's I know Mom will accept the situation. That woman is tough as nails !!!
SOM </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SOM:

I hope this diatribe was not directed at me, b/c quite honestly you could have saved your breath. I was just making an observation (could be wrong) with how you always "spin" this topic. You don't need to come up with 100 reasons for why your opinion is fact. It doesn't matter to me. You should support the mom and d2b as much as you want. There is no such thing as being "over supportive", just realize that people's views will be different and that yours is not necessarily fact. One point I will contend is that you state quite feverishly that:

"Fact 3: OW has proven time and time again to be a lair."

FACT: SO HAS DAD2B !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! His past actions SPEAK VOLUMES !!!!!!!!!

It is very nice that he has you in his corner. That is great for him. I hope this works out for them. Hopefully they have the same faith in their marriage as you seem to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 11:00 AM: Message edited by: lemonman ]</small>

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jph/LemonhJead,

You know ... if you ask any FWH that has gotten out from their fog ... They will say the same thing as you do !!!!. Also ... A doesn't happen in one day ... separating from A would take a slow process.

I second SOM ... I met and spent 1 day w. them when he is in thickest/deepest fog. I could still see the love that he has for m3b. There is no question about m3b's love for him. He has additional baggages that he brought into his M, I am sure Dr. Phil will provide him IC too.

-rh-

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LM- </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> These are the times that make real men, are you gonna be one?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">--sure liked seeing that statement.

Too often, we all go with our feelings - instead of actions that reflect how we should feel.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">People made mistake but it is not about the mistake it is about you are doing afterward define YOU. ...
and
...when time is very tough, just do the right things w/o thinking and delay the wrong things as long as you can until you get stronger to avoid it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Such inspiration....

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First of all I would like to extend my gratitude to all who have shown interest or not in our situation. I would also like to thank everyone for their prayers for my father during his last few days. I am keeping by his bedside and he is resting comfortably right now. Yesterday he had a great day, today he is really bad.

That said, let me also say that I still have not read all the replie here. It still amazes me the traffic that I/we get on our threads. I was joking with SOM this morning how all I have to do is start a thread and sit back and watch it. Seriously, it trruly means a lot to me all the support that I/we get on this board. I have printed out 50 pages and i am still reading them.

I have not seen the show yet. Frankly I do not want to see it, but I will. I know dad will come off as an arrogant ***. He really DOES have a good heart when he WANTS to...but yes, he is extremely self absorbed.

And THAT is my biggest problem right now. I cannot be two places at one time. THe comment Dad said to me on Monday did not sit well, but i am tryingto let it go.I am trying to look at his actions. Yes, he is at home. Yes, he is being honest. I know he still has doubts, but I cannot go on knowing he will doubt it the rest of his life.

I have asked dad to come down to get me this weekend. This is the conversation

mom: Why dont you come up wit hthe kids and get me this weekend, that way I can go home for a few days and then come back to SAT next Wed or thurs. (my father could linger for weeks and I still need to take care of MY family too)

dad: well, I dont know if I am going racing or not....

OK, so last night I called him and said:

mom: why dont you bring the kids up and drop them off, then go racing then come back and get us

dad: you mean drive all the way up there, then all the way downto the valley then all the way Back up there..NO

mom: ok, well, I am just trying to compensate here. I dont have a car, yes, i can take my moms..but...

this mroning...again

mom: you know, i would REALLY like to be with my family AND my father right now. I cant be two places at one time. Why dont you drive up here Saturday and stay and we can go back together n Sunday...

dad: Saturday, why cant i come up on Friday...

mom: you can, whtaever you want..

dad: well, I dont know if I am going racing or not.


mom: UGH! see it is ALWAYS about you...you, you, you...I am TRYING to compensate here Ed. FINE..I dont want to ruin YOUR plans...

dad: I know,I'm just a selfish SOB, arent' I...

whatever!

you see, I am TRYING here. I have no car here. I KNOW I cannot stay here indefinitley..I knOW I need ot be home..dad cant do it all..althouhg he was able to work fulltime and have the A, but that's beside the point....

We are our worst enemies right now. he cant stop wanting to give HIMSELF satisfaction while at the same time I NEED him to be focused on ME for a change. I just want to throw up my hands and say fine, I give up.

I do love him, I do want my marriage, but he has got to get out of this selfish stage of his. NOW! It is NOT all about you, you, you! Is he trying to push me away. UGH!

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 09:50 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

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m23b-

i've read some of your thread - and have never posted or anything, but your last post you mentioned SAT and "the valley" -

jw - are you from TX?

brg

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OH mom I saw your pic on the Dr. Phil site you are sooo beautiful *hugs*....

*smacks Dad* HEY! get up and outta your funk boy! *smacks again for good measure* forget racing I know your feeling down especially with the show coming on today...but get up and shake off those feelings that have a hold on you....your family is going through a hell of a time and they need you....you know mom's dad is not well...you should be spending as much time as a family with him now as possible....you don't know whats going to happen...make his last days great ones....screw racing...family comes first....

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 02:39 PM: Message edited by: missinghimterribly ]</small>

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mom: Why dont you come up wit hthe kids and get me this weekend, that way I can go home for a few days and then come back to SAT next Wed or thurs. (my father could linger for weeks and I still need to take care of MY family too)
mom: Why dont you come up wit hthe kids and get me this weekend, that way I can go home for a few days and then come back to SAT next Wed or thurs. (my father could linger for weeks and I still need to take care of MY family too)

dad: well, I dont know if I am going racing or not....

OK, so last night I called him and said:

mom: why dont you bring the kids up and drop them off, then go racing then come back and get us

dad: you mean drive all the way up there, then all the way downto the valley then all the way Back up there..NO

mom: ok, well, I am just trying to compensate here. I dont have a car, yes, i can take my moms..but...

this mroning...again

mom: you know, i would REALLY like to be with my family AND my father right now. I cant be two places at one time. Why dont you drive up here Saturday and stay and we can go back together n Sunday...

dad: Saturday, why cant i come up on Friday...

mom: you can, whtaever you want..

dad: well, I dont know if I am going racing or not.


mom: UGH! see it is ALWAYS about you...you, you, you...I am TRYING to compensate here Ed. FINE..I dont want to ruin YOUR plans...

dad: I know,I'm just a selfish SOB, arent' I...



copy this conversation...

this is a perfect example of what the communication problems are...

see if he won't just read what's posted above...

all you want..
all you have ever wanted is a straight answer..

in your responses is an effort to try many different ways to meet your needs AS well as consindering his....

see if he can see this....

ARK..

I saw the show..
you both looked great...

momto you looked strong and sad...
dadto you looked sad...

dadto you said many times during the show you feel all of this is out of your control...

yet the truth is ...is that you are the one who gave/gives up the control...

you threw this huge boulder into a pond and got a huge splash.....
and have left your wife and OW struggling in the water to get the stone out...
and the waters have settled you stand there and do or say nothing...

you my friend are holding the pebbles in your hand that get this thing started...and you got to throw a stone in to get the ripples....

your indecision is just as much as a decesion...

you want no casualties in this..and that is too late...there already are...

it doesn't make you the eternal whipping boy...
but you gotta act the right way...and choose the right path....

ARK

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OK, just one last thought before the show starts. I look bad on this show. I look like a doormat. I look like a poor little betrayed spouse who is going to do whatever her WS wants. I am NOT like that. I was completely shell shocked that day. Iwas scared. I was stage fright. jUst wait til next weeks show! I am a fiesty little firecracker <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mom wrote:
I do love him, I do want my marriage, but he has got to get out of this selfish stage of his. NOW! It is NOT all about you, you, you! Is he trying to push me away. UGH! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You nailed it, Mom. Don't give Dad any excuses to do anything stupid.

I remember when my then-H and I reconciled. During recovery he would intentionally pick fights with me for an excuse to have contact. He denied the intention then, but after we got through his withdrawal and my hurt, he admitted it.

Try not to take things personally -- is the only advice I can give you. I know you've been through the ringer with all the back-and-forth of the A, but do your best.

Just know others have gone before you.

Love,
Jo

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong> OK, just one last thought before the show starts. I look bad on this show. I look like a doormat. I look like a poor little betrayed spouse who is going to do whatever her WS wants. I am NOT like that. I was completely shell shocked that day. Iwas scared. I was stage fright. jUst wait til next weeks show! I am a fiesty little firecracker <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh pssshaw.....i still think you looked very pretty....but I am setting tivo to record the show and I am taking DS to the aquarium...we are gonna go see the great white shark there

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong> OK, just one last thought before the show starts. I look bad on this show. I look like a doormat. I look like a poor little betrayed spouse who is going to do whatever her WS wants.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MT3B, darlin', you know WE know you aren't that way. Don't have to explain anything to the MB crowd.

I watched it. Wished I hadn't in a way. It is so much of the same old song Ed's been singing over the last, what, eight, nine months?

Ugh.

MT3B you are a beautiful, caring, intelligent woman. You have a fantastic life ahead of you, no matter what happens from here on out between you and DT3B.

DT3B, you I worry about. Something Dr. Phil said struck me as so true in your case: that you'll find the same problems will follow you from relationship to relationship.

I hope you find a way to truly come to grips with the situation you created and a way to resolve it that doesn't crush everyone around you.

~ Snow

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What struck me as most truthful was that the only thing DT3Bs and OW know about each other is that they are untrustworthy. MT3B, you don't look like a doormat. You look like a woman who is turning over over stone to try to make her relationship with Dad work, and he is not sure she's worth his effort.

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I agree, Mom23B, you didn't come off as a doormat...you were just a bit nervous, as anyone would be. I'm not sure I would've been able to form words at all up on stage with Dr. Phil!

BTW, you're a very pretty lady, Mom! Strong, too. The show only gave a glimpse here and there of your strength...but we here at MB know what strength it has taken for you to stand for your marriage.

I'll say a prayer for your Dad's peace and comfort. And strength and courage for you.

Lori

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I watched the show....it was over an hour ago....and I had some things I wanted to post.

BUT!

I decided that if I couldn't say anything nice about dad....then I wouldn't say anything at all.

Mom.....I didn't think you looked like a doormat....I just thought you looked nervous....can't wait to see the update though.

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 04:12 PM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

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