i am 30 years old and have been married for almost 8 years to a man 20 years my senior. i am tired of him, not in love with him and bordering hating him. i have fallen in love with someone else, i have not had an affair. but i'm beginning to think that that may be the only answer on getting out of my marriage. <p>[This message has been edited by labgirl66 (edited August 14, 1999).]

so, you have not yet actually HAD the affair?<BR>do you have children? why do you think you need an affair to get out of your marriage?<BR>let's talk.<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

Being somebody whose H has and is in an affair I say "NO". I guess I feel that if you want out of the marriage tell your husband and tell him why you want out. If you have an affair it will only make your H feel that much worse. What is wrong with being honest with him? Tell him why you don't love him any more but don't go out and have an affair just to make it your excuse. I don't mean to be harsh but if you read the posts from the people on this board you will see how hurtful affairs can be. If you have any integrity you will not do this to your H.

i have told my husband that i'm not in love with him, and all he does is throw all this guilt at me for feeling this way. i feel that our relationship is almost paternal in nature and i resent it. he was diagnosed with brain cancer lately, and than the doctors are astonished at his recovery everyone is calling it a miracle. and yet, every time i turn around he is telling me that he only has a year to live. but when he thinks everything is ok, he has been miraculously healed. so, i don't know i feel that he has been very maniputive with me. he has no clue as to how to talk to me. and if you listen to him, the only reason i don't love him is because i have fallen away from the Lord. i just want out, maybe i'll change my mind if i had some space, but he will not agree to that.<BR>

i'm sorry, no we do not have any children. he has two children from a previous a marriage. i started trying to get pregnant about 6 years ago, but he had some fertility problems. and just recently he informed me that it was never worth his giving up his free time with me to solve his problem and have a child with me. he said if the Lord had wanted us to have children we would have them. and that comment that day has really made me realize how selfish he is.

I'm sorry I spoke so harsh to you. I didn't relize how miserable you are. Why don't you contact an attorney, find a apartment and just leave. Sounds like he is really controling you and making you feel guilty because he has been ill is not fair. Maybe if you move out you can get a new perspective on things. I still don't think it is fair to you or the other person if you have an affair right now. That is not the answer.<p>[This message has been edited by crazy or what? (edited August 14, 1999).]

I'm not sure if a lot of people would agree with me, but, i think, if you have honestly talked with him about your emotional needs, and things are not improving, and you really feel like you have grown apart, then i think a divorce is OK. <BR>Get yourself free and clear of this relationship before you start a new one, though. Neither your husband nor your possible new partner should have to share you. And you don't want to start a new relationship under a cloud, no matter how separated you already feel from your husband.<P>Oh, just so you know, my H is 23 yrs older than me, and my mom and dad were 18 years apart. She left him when she realized she preferred women, too, but did not 'come out' for another 10 years. sooooo, your situation is close to my heart. Also, my H is fairly controlling of me, but he really fights it (he asked me this morning if his having an affair with a woman nearer his age was a slap in the face, and i laughed, "no, because i have more maturity in me than you too have put together!") c'est la vie.<BR><P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

i have talked about it but he keeps throwing all this guilt at me, and making me think that everything is in my head. i don't think that i was ever in love with him. i think we had fun for a time, and now we don't ever. he gets upset if we go some where and other people make me laugh. he will say you never laugh like that with me, like its my fault. it just seems that if i did have an affair maybe he would throw me out and quit all this manipulitive crap that he does.

Does H know about the other person? What does he say? Maybe if confronted with the possibility of losing you he'd open his eyes.

yes my h, found out about my feelings for this ow by eavesdropping on a phone conversation. and he is convinced that my only problem is my relationship with the Lord. it could not possible be with him!!<BR>

I don't quite understand your predicament, sorry. Does your husband abuse you emotionally or physically, or just doesn't meet your emotional needs? Or have you just fallen out of love with him? Nothing's easy when it comes to being committed to a marriage, that I know. But you can't throw it all away (especially what he's gone through) over a fleeting feeling.

labgirl,<P>I'm still trying to figure out how is it that you can alreay be "in love" with someone but have not had an affair yet. If you've already allowed yourself (and I suspect the other person has too), then you are already having an affair. Just because it has not become physical doesn't matter. Being emotionally attached to and involved with someone outside of your marriage = an affair.<P>I guess I'm having trouble understanding your predicament, as well. It sounds like you have resigned yourself to end the marriage, have little or no feelings for your H, never have, and see no future with him. It also sounds like you have no understanding from him and he is resistant to making changes. What's your hold up? Why not make things legal, and official by separating and beginning divorce proceedings?<P>If you think an "affair" or "some space" is going to be the answer, you're very, very wrong. And if you're waiting for your H's (or any of ours) "blessing" to continue with your affair, that is very unlikely. Being in love with one person, but being married to another is a painful, conflicting situation for ALL parties involved. Read through some of the posts on this site and you will see no "joy" in that situation.<P>My first suggestion is for both you and your H to get some counseling if possible. It sounds like there is no communication between the two of you, and it is imperative to have good communication in any relationship. Your H is 50, that's NOT too old to change. If he were 90 or 100, then maybe, but there are plenty of fiftysomethings on this site who have made incredible changes.

"it just seems that if i did have an affair maybe he would throw me out and quit all this manipulitive crap that he does."<P>Now who's being manipulative?<P>I'm confused too. Are you trying to stay married to him? If not, leave. But be mature about it despite any feelings of immaturity on his part, and talk to him. Tell him what's going on, and why.<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

I just read your other thread and have a bit more insight into your problems....<P>My two cents....COUNSELING. Perhaps a Plan B to show him how serious you are, and the serious jeopardy of your relationship. Maybe then, he'll wake up.<P>It's worth a try, but only if you're serious about the stipulations you make and are willing to follow-through.<P>Another thought -- he says he's unable to change. Sometimes if the other is willing to show a change first, the stubborn one will start to make concessions too. Point out gently evidence of times in which he has indeed changed, from the time you two got married. Good communication skills are needed here desperately. Good luck!<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Lucks (edited August 15, 1999).]

Agree w/ new woman that even just "being in love" with someone other than your spouse constitutes an affair. This is what is called an "emotional affair" (nothing physical, but the feelings are there). An affair is NEVER "the answer." Like others, I can sympathize with your situation, as your H does not sound like a very likeable guy. But if you think your marriage is really beyond salvaging, you owe it to both of you to separate before you get involved with anyone else. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Labgirl66,<P>I'm so sorry you seemed to be trapped in such manipulative situation.<P>First of all, what are your needs? Becoming a mother for the first time? Affection? Equal partnership in a marriage? Personal space?<P>Second, what attracted you to your current husband? True, he is being very selfish and controlling, but this also indicates that he doesn't want you to abandon him. Why? Does he love you?<P>Third, if you do decide to plan a future with this person you are considering having an affair with, you need to increase your chances for success. Make the best start possible with this new man if that it what you choose to do. Do not have an affair. Do not live with him. All studies prove that affair partners or living together partners have slim chance of success in marriage. First, separate from your husband so he will wake up. Go into counseling. If it doesn't work, divorce since you have no kids and want kids and he doesn't want kids. Then, date your new man, don't live with him. Make sure that you are not repeating the same patterns you did in being attracted to and marrying your first husband.<BR>Make sure your new man will have the same values as you: wanting a child, equal partnership, etc. Then marry him. Hope this helps.<P>

From what I gathered, it is a woman she is in love with. Which definitely won't fulfill her need or desire to have a child.<P>Counseling.

labgirl66, i suggest you have your affair and concurrent with it, get a divorce. you hate your h, you love the om, or op. i don't think you should waste anymore time.