Gee, where to begin? It's been so long since I've been in crisis mode, and so long since I hung out here regularly it's hard to know where to start. The purpose of this post is:
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- <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To thank everyone who supported me during the dark times</font></li>
- <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To give hope to those who are beginning or in the middle of their own difficult journey</font></li>
- <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To let everyone know "how it all turned out"</font></li>
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H got into an EA with his old high school sweetie; Dday was Feb 2002. Hard to believe it's been almost three years! The only reason it was EA instead of PA was because she lives 1200 miles or more from us. It was very "in my face" and of course painful. I didn't know about MB but did a pretty good plan A - no exposure, though. After 3 months the A dwindled and after 4 months contact was pretty much over (but no NC letter).
I found MB and learned about recovery - desperately wanted to understand how I had contributed to the A and what I needed to fix. I was frantic for insurance that this never would happen to us again. I wanted to be the best wife I could for my H. H always said I was a good wife, the M was fine, the EA could never have happened with anyone but her. I thought he was trying to avoid "hurting" me further with the truth, or that he didn't want to bother learning about himself enough to figure out how I contributed.
Eventually I let the question of WHY drop, because the response was always the same and there was no progress. I still felt emotionally unsafe and at risk, however. I dealt with this badly. H can toss out some pretty strong LBs and I am a classic conflict avoider. Rather than put my foot down and say "I don't feel safe; I NEED this from you!" I retreated emotionally.
I allowed myself to get too close to an old male friend because I felt emotionally safe with him. He was a good listener and never made a pass at me, always supported my M. Eventually we both knew we had to cease contact, because we cared for one another too much. Our "friendship" was detrimental to my M. A year ago I told H I'd quit speaking to OM because I'd begun to have feelings for OM.
H and I saw an MC a few times; she wasn't very good but she did show us that we had some communication problems. We were surprised - we realized that we *converse* well and easily, but we don't always *communicate* well. Eventually H agreed to read "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" with me. We let it slide after a few chapters but I saw improvements due to what we did read together.
What have I learned?
That I was, indeed, a pretty fine wife before H's EA. Our M wasn't pretty good. His EA really was something that could only have happened with that particular OW. All the fond memories of youth and first love without responsibilities - it was irresistable to him. I used to obsess over *why* he contacted her, but he doesn't know. He contacted a lot of old HS friends at that time. Maybe a midlife thing, maybe a nostalgia thing. I just finally accepted that there was no real WHY to it. Despite general MB concensus that you have to know why an A happens, so you can fix it (else you're doomed to repeat it) I realized it's stupid to let 8 years of marriage be dominated by 3 or 4 months of stupidity that happened THREE YEARS ago. I finally quit feeling scared that my H would hurt me again, and relaxed, and allowed his love to touch my heart.
I also learned that no matter how scary it is for me to speak up when something is bothering me, and although H might rant and rave and LB and say hurtful things - speaking up is never as painful, long term, as stuffing everything inside. Usually the speaking up is nowhere near as difficult as the anticipatory dread, either. And H's LBs are almost always because he does care so much about me and either feels guilty that he's hurt me or guilty because he doesn't know how to "fix" whatever is bothering me.
I also learned all the normal stuff that MBers learn, like care and protection and Plan A for life.
We talk *all the time* about the future now. We snuggle and touch many times during the day. We bring each other candy bars when we fill the car up with gas. We occasionally leave a note for one another. If I cook dinner, he *always* thanks me, compliments the meal, and helps me clear. We laugh and joke. We recently took a day off work so we could go and play together without any kids around; we need to do that more often. I'm better at seeing and appreciating how he loves me, and at letting him know how to love me effectively. He brags about me to his friends and to our children.
We still have some things to work on, no doubt about that. We're in a good position to do so, thanks to our strong foundation and improved skills. We know that when a marriage is good, like ours is, you don't sit back and think all is in hand and taken care of; you cherish it, be thankful for it, and nourish it each day.
