Gee, where to begin? It's been so long since I've been in crisis mode, and so long since I hung out here regularly it's hard to know where to start. The purpose of this post is:
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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To thank everyone who supported me during the dark times</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To give hope to those who are beginning or in the middle of their own difficult journey</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To let everyone know "how it all turned out"</font></li>

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H got into an EA with his old high school sweetie; Dday was Feb 2002. Hard to believe it's been almost three years! The only reason it was EA instead of PA was because she lives 1200 miles or more from us. It was very "in my face" and of course painful. I didn't know about MB but did a pretty good plan A - no exposure, though. After 3 months the A dwindled and after 4 months contact was pretty much over (but no NC letter).

I found MB and learned about recovery - desperately wanted to understand how I had contributed to the A and what I needed to fix. I was frantic for insurance that this never would happen to us again. I wanted to be the best wife I could for my H. H always said I was a good wife, the M was fine, the EA could never have happened with anyone but her. I thought he was trying to avoid "hurting" me further with the truth, or that he didn't want to bother learning about himself enough to figure out how I contributed.

Eventually I let the question of WHY drop, because the response was always the same and there was no progress. I still felt emotionally unsafe and at risk, however. I dealt with this badly. H can toss out some pretty strong LBs and I am a classic conflict avoider. Rather than put my foot down and say "I don't feel safe; I NEED this from you!" I retreated emotionally.

I allowed myself to get too close to an old male friend because I felt emotionally safe with him. He was a good listener and never made a pass at me, always supported my M. Eventually we both knew we had to cease contact, because we cared for one another too much. Our "friendship" was detrimental to my M. A year ago I told H I'd quit speaking to OM because I'd begun to have feelings for OM.

H and I saw an MC a few times; she wasn't very good but she did show us that we had some communication problems. We were surprised - we realized that we *converse* well and easily, but we don't always *communicate* well. Eventually H agreed to read "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" with me. We let it slide after a few chapters but I saw improvements due to what we did read together.

What have I learned?
That I was, indeed, a pretty fine wife before H's EA. Our M wasn't pretty good. His EA really was something that could only have happened with that particular OW. All the fond memories of youth and first love without responsibilities - it was irresistable to him. I used to obsess over *why* he contacted her, but he doesn't know. He contacted a lot of old HS friends at that time. Maybe a midlife thing, maybe a nostalgia thing. I just finally accepted that there was no real WHY to it. Despite general MB concensus that you have to know why an A happens, so you can fix it (else you're doomed to repeat it) I realized it's stupid to let 8 years of marriage be dominated by 3 or 4 months of stupidity that happened THREE YEARS ago. I finally quit feeling scared that my H would hurt me again, and relaxed, and allowed his love to touch my heart.

I also learned that no matter how scary it is for me to speak up when something is bothering me, and although H might rant and rave and LB and say hurtful things - speaking up is never as painful, long term, as stuffing everything inside. Usually the speaking up is nowhere near as difficult as the anticipatory dread, either. And H's LBs are almost always because he does care so much about me and either feels guilty that he's hurt me or guilty because he doesn't know how to "fix" whatever is bothering me.

I also learned all the normal stuff that MBers learn, like care and protection and Plan A for life.

We talk *all the time* about the future now. We snuggle and touch many times during the day. We bring each other candy bars when we fill the car up with gas. We occasionally leave a note for one another. If I cook dinner, he *always* thanks me, compliments the meal, and helps me clear. We laugh and joke. We recently took a day off work so we could go and play together without any kids around; we need to do that more often. I'm better at seeing and appreciating how he loves me, and at letting him know how to love me effectively. He brags about me to his friends and to our children.

We still have some things to work on, no doubt about that. We're in a good position to do so, thanks to our strong foundation and improved skills. We know that when a marriage is good, like ours is, you don't sit back and think all is in hand and taken care of; you cherish it, be thankful for it, and nourish it each day.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ARK^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Thanks, I suspect more than one of us wondered.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

SS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I finally quit feeling scared that my H would hurt me again, and relaxed, and allowed his love to touch my heart.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Love it!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also learned that no matter how scary it is for me to speak up when something is bothering me, and although H might rant and rave and LB and say hurtful things - speaking up is never as painful, long term, as stuffing everything inside.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wonderful...

Congrats!

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by turtlehead:
<strong>...
I also learned that no matter how scary it is for me to speak up when something is bothering me, and although H might rant and rave and LB and say hurtful things - speaking up is never as painful, long term, as stuffing everything inside. Usually the speaking up is nowhere near as difficult as the anticipatory dread, either. And H's LBs are almost always because he does care so much about me and either feels guilty that he's hurt me or guilty because he doesn't know how to "fix" whatever is bothering me.
...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's one of my goals. I have kept things in and my WW hates it.

MiF

Hi TH,

I think I may have posted to you a few times way back when.It's sad but there are so many of us that when you take a break from here,sometimes you just don't remember the whole story or even remember the person since there are so many new members all the time.

Anyway,just wanted to share that I am happy that you have found a path you can be on a while,working on your marriage and that you seem to be in a good place.You know,like AA,sometimes you need to leave the nest and just live without the stigma an A places on you and your spouse.

When my mom finally left AA,they all tried to tell her she wouldn't make it without them but you know,she is the most wonderful woman I know now.She has grown so much and although she appreciates everything AA did for her,she needed to let go.Alcohol was a part of her life long ago and in a very bad way but she has put that part behind her and freed herself from the chains of a group that can sometimes be stiffling.

Anyway,kudos to you! All the best to you and your H.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Awesome!

My heartfelt congratulations on all the excellent progress you and your husband have made.

That is *true* maturity, something most people never develop in life.

Thanks for sharing. You will continue to inspire with your story.

Turtlehead: That's great news to hear! Congratulations and keep up the great work. Thanks for sharing.

Wow, guys, thank you for all the upbeat responses. It really makes me feel good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I hate to start calling out names because sure as shootin' I'll leave some out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> Still Seeking, you were very helpful to me, as were WAT, JL, and 2Long. Also Leilana and Takola from the Recovery board.

Pepper and Ark^^, I don't think we corresponded much directly but these days I always enjoy reading what you have to say. Likewise Melody Lane.

MIF - I don't know what it is about confrontations that is so frightening. Well, yes, I do. I'm the adult child of an alcoholic and I learned early on not to upset the boat. I'm thinking of going to Al-Anon just to learn how to be healthy about setting boundaries and how to be responsible for me but not everyone else. Simple, basic stuff that got kind of skewed for me when I was young. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Your reasons for avoiding confrontation might be different from mine, but I bet the feeling is still the same and sadly, so are the results. Just because I *know* I need to speak up doesn't mean it's *easy* for me. But you know what? It's a bit like learning a new skill or extinguishing a phobia. The more you muster up your nerve and do it, the easier it gets. You'll find that you survive the LBs that are flung your way, and more importantly you'll gain strength and confidence with each "speak up" experience. It's surprisingly rewarding to let your voice be heard. I look forward to reading posts from you talking about how you dealt with a "confrontation" and how you think it went. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

O, I don't remember if we've corresponded directly or not, but I do like reading you. You have a lot of insight to where I've been; the parallel you drew between me and your Mom is fitting. I'm not yet sure if I'll come back to become a permanent fixture or not. I'm getting to the point where the EAs no longer define me, or my M. In a way that frees me to come here without the sickening gut-wrenching pain, but in a way it also seems better that I spend my time elsewhere - on genealogy boards and other hobbies, for example.

john_g and Recovering H, thank you for letting me know my post was read and appreciated. Positive feedback is ... well, positive! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

TH,

You have posted to me in some of most saddest and darkest moments. I thank you for that and will always remember you. I am so glad that your marriage and life is going so great. Thank God and may he bless you forever.

HINY

<small>[ November 12, 2004, 08:11 AM: Message edited by: HopefulinNY ]</small>