My husband called the boys and ended up talking to me again. He lives with his sister right now trying to accomplish a few things and continue his EA. This week I have been distancing myself. Preparing myself for plan B.

The last few days I have been acting positive. No R talks, no OW talks and trying to show him I can give him a little space to deal with everything. Today I was talking about possibly selling the house and buying a different one with him we would make about a 90k profit. I was thinking we could pay off all the bills, save 10k and go to college and put the rest towards the downpayment for a new house closer to his work and family. He said sell the house keep the house I don't care what you do with it. He said what part of I don't want to be married to you don't you understand. Then said I hate to be so blunt but you don't get it.

He is so wishy washy then wonders why I don't get it. Yesterday he was talking about letting his best friend (a guy) come stay with us for a little while because he is going through a divorce and is talking about ending his life. He thinks coming up here and starting fresh would be good for him. He said he would move back home and would go to MC but didn't think it would help. Guess he only wants to move IF his friend moves up and that is the only reason. I don't really want his friend here.

Seems like his mind is set. Seems like nothing I do or say makes any difference. This week I have totally left him alone. I thought maybe he would miss us. But he never called to talk to me once. And only called the boys twice this week. Yesterday he asked us to lunch. Our 3 year old cried and cried when it was time for his dad to leave. Begging and pleading for him to come home. I could tell it really bothered my husband. That alone would make me want to try in our marriage. It broke my heart to see our son like that. Throughout the whole lunch he was distant and cold. I kept wondering why he asked me if he was going to act like that. I really don't know what to do. Maybe it's time for me to give up and go file for divorce. He doesn't want me anymore. I can see that.

I am having small contractions tonight. I can't believe my pregnancy will soon come to a end. These last 9 months have been the saddest of my life. They should have been the happiest. I still love my husband with all my heart and soul. I just can't understand how such a loving caring man can turn into someone so cruel. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ November 12, 2004, 07:13 PM: Message edited by: DreamingofHappiness ]</small>

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Dreaming,

I can't tell you when you should give up. I certainly wouldn't be the one to file for divorce, though. He wants out, he can file.

It seems like you would be so much better off in Plan B, totally cutting your H off from you and the children. Have you considered doing that?

I wish there was more I could say to help you at this vulnerable time, with the baby due and all. Just sending you a big hug and hope it helps.

~ Snow

Snow,
Thanks for your support. I am working towards a plan B. It's just so hard right now with the pregnancy and the kids. But I know I NEED to do it. I just can't see how he can be like this to me when I have been nothing but loving and supportive of him the last 7 years.

I keep asking myself what I did for him to want to treat me like this.

I don't feel much better this morning. My heart aches. My son tried to call him this morning he wouldn't click over because he was talking to OW. He started crying wanting to know why he couldn't talk to him. I am tired of this.

I just can't understand how they both can be so selfish. Not caring that they are hurting many people. He doesn't care that I can go into labor anytime. He never calls to even check to see how I am doing. This man use to be a man that was so caring, so into me, treated me like a princess, put his kids first and would never turn his back on his family. How does one change to be so different?

Dreaming -

I would STOP all relationship talk and do a 180. Have you read about that? It sounds like it might help.

Sorry your pregnancy has been ruined by his actions. But don't take it personally. It seems like he is all fogged out. His relationship with OW will probably have to run its course.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DreamingofHappiness:
<strong> Yesterday he was talking about letting his best friend (a guy) come stay with us for a little while because he is going through a divorce and is talking about ending his life. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well sure. Nothing like a visit with friends to take your mind off things like... oh... depression and divorce. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I too remember a time when my WS really loved me. I remember feeling it. Now... I don't feel it anymore. Now I can't escape the impression that she'd be happier if I were dead or gone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Damn this sucks. I wish I had some good advice. All I can offer right now is sympathy.

dewt

Believer I will try that approach. I guess sometimes these hormones get in the way though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I think things are bothering him more than he lets on and he lashes out at me or tries to make me feel bad. He doesn't understand why I won't just give up on him so he is trying to hurt me thinking that I will just give up.

I do not want to have this baby and deal with all this crap ontop of everything else. That is why I am trying to distance myself now. I realized that I was just as addicted to him as he is with OW. I couldn't stop calling him, wanting to be with him and I was going through withdrawl. But this week I have for the most part let him alone. I realize I don't NEED him in my life. I want him here. I want him to want to be here. But I cannot force him to see or do anything he doesn't want to.


Dewt,
I can feel your pain. I am sorry that you are going through this also. I look into my husbands eyes and I don't see that love there anymore. I see resentment, pain, almost hate and tourment. He thinks leaving is the answer to his problems. He thinks leaving will bring him the happiness he is searching for. It may for a short period of time. But if the man I knew is still there then I also know in time what he has done will haunt him and he will regret his actions later on down the road.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DreamingofHappiness:
<strong> But if the man I knew is still there then I also know in time what he has done will haunt him and he will regret his actions later on down the road. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I sometimes think this about my W. I also wonder if that 'haunting' isn't impacting our current situation. Hmmm. I just know that, like you, I'm feeling very defeated and am not liking it very much.

dewt

What ever you do, do not just take the person back with out having them prove it to you. I say this because i too felt the same way you two do. My H played a miserable game of she is gone, I want you to you are gone, I want her. It killed me to have him hold me one night and be gone when I woke up. I finally had him move out 8 months after D-day because he chose not so show up for Christmas and I had to put a 6,3, and 11 month boys to bed crying because they did not see their dad or open thier presents. H was with the OP trying to make it work.
H moved out, I plan b'd him. He was gone for a week, and started e-mailing me and trying to call me. He lost control, felt he was losing me, he was freaking out. I told him she had to be gone before I would consider getting back with him. However I was just as lonely and felt the same things you do back then. He came home one night late (he still had a key) crawled in bed with me and asked my forgiveness. He has been here ever since. However I am still not seeing the love in his eyes, he finally deleted the OP number from his phone (either that or put it under another name) and he still occasionally treats me like dirt, and that he could have anyone else. And this is 10 months in to "recovery". DO not settle just to have them back in your life. Have them earn you back. YOu deserve at LEAST that.

Hang in there

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T in the road:
<strong>Have them earn you back. YOu deserve at LEAST that.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Problem is, often enough the wayward does not feel like they want to earn you back. In fact in a lot of cases the wayward is the one acting like it's the betrayed who has done something wrong.

That can be particularily tough to handle.

But that's also where we look at where we did go wrong and try to make improvements so that maybe the WS will start to see some desirable things in us.

dewt

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T in the road:
<strong> What ever you do, do not just take the person back with out having them prove it to you. I say this because i too felt the same way you two do. My H played a miserable game of she is gone, I want you to you are gone, I want her. It killed me to have him hold me one night and be gone when I woke up. I finally had him move out 8 months after D-day because he chose not so show up for Christmas and I had to put a 6,3, and 11 month boys to bed crying because they did not see their dad or open thier presents. H was with the OP trying to make it work.
H moved out, I plan b'd him. He was gone for a week, and started e-mailing me and trying to call me. He lost control, felt he was losing me, he was freaking out. I told him she had to be gone before I would consider getting back with him. However I was just as lonely and felt the same things you do back then. He came home one night late (he still had a key) crawled in bed with me and asked my forgiveness. He has been here ever since. However I am still not seeing the love in his eyes, he finally deleted the OP number from his phone (either that or put it under another name) and he still occasionally treats me like dirt, and that he could have anyone else. And this is 10 months in to "recovery". DO not settle just to have them back in your life. Have them earn you back. YOu deserve at LEAST that.

Hang in there </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My God, what a tragic story. I am sorry for your pain. This is exactly why I have to question the "save the marriage at all costs" philosophy that is so pervasive around here. In a million years I cannot imagine a HUMAN BEING acting like this when he has children. I just can't. Call it fog, call it whatever....but this speaks of severely flawed character. I know that the MB philosphy is to rationalize such despicable behavior as "alien" or "cancer like" or "addiction" but I think that is what a lot of people need to do to reconcile in their mind that they will stay with a spouse who has done these unspeakable acts. The other trajedy os that often when the betrayer comes back they don't show remorse or truly "change" and once again the BS just has to rationalize it as "at least he is back home with me and with my kids". This is such dysfunctional behavior in my mind. But hey that's just me.

My God, sometimes this stuff really hits me and floors me. I am sorry for your pain and for your childrens pain. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ November 13, 2004, 11:05 AM: Message edited by: lemonman ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dewt:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T in the road:
<strong>Have them earn you back. YOu deserve at LEAST that.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Problem is, often enough the wayward does not feel like they want to earn you back. In fact in a lot of cases the wayward is the one acting like it's the betrayed who has done something wrong.

That can be particularily tough to handle.


dewt </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YES YES YES !!!!!!!! This is so often the story. If someone can reconcile with this in "saving the marriage" then I just say GOOD FOR THEM. I couldn't and wouldn't do this. I have to much respect for myself.

Disclaimer: Just my opinion

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> YES YES YES !!!!!!!! This is so often the story. If someone can reconcile with this in "saving the marriage" then I just say GOOD FOR THEM. I couldn't and wouldn't do this. I have to much respect for myself </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just wanted to add a resounding agreement with lemon.