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#1228141 11/13/04 05:35 PM
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Hey y'all. I posted this on Recovery but wanted to post it here for more responses. Thanks!

I need to hear about experiences from couples who have moved residences after the A to get away from the OP. Was it the best thing you could have done? Or do you have regrets? Or is there any resentment from the FWS? Please, I need some input.

Some here know my story to a degree (CV, SS, BIJ, Stillwed, KB, etc.) in that SOW lives in my community and is NOT going anywhere. She told H that she did not want to live with her parents for long. She isn't living there anymore BUT she found residence (where?) in the area b/c she is still in church, kid still in DD's grade. She is single and I had hoped she'd have found another sucker and maybe moved out of the area at this point. No such luck.

OK, this past week has been rough. H has had some 'issues' with not having an emotional outlet other than me, had a 'meltdown' of sorts last Sunday. The week started rocky to say the least. Thursday's Dr. Phil w/ Mom2 & Dad2 knocked both of us for a loop. Friday AM ran into SOW taking the kids to school. F'ed up my day - was already still feeling 'weird' from Dr. Phil so it just added to my blues.

Had an A & R talk last night. No DJs, LBs, AOs. Went good but still it was emotional for me. Had a dream about SOW last night. We set the alarm early this AM for some nookie b/f our busy Sat. started but after the dream, the mood was spoiled for me.

Talked some this morning about it. Left us both still feeling "off." We rushed out later to get DS to art class and lo and behold! who is right there in front of MY house - SOW & her son. Cub scout can drive house to house - SHE HAD TO PICK MY STREET!!!! there are about 50 streets they service!!!!!!!!

I cannot take this anymore. Every time I see her, it re-opens the hole in my heart. I think i am progressing, then I have a 'sighting' and I backslide. I do not think it's something I can overcome. It's been 14 months now. This is not being rash b/c things are fresh and raw. I want to get out of here. Out of this neighborhood.

Harley has it right in that OP must be removed - EXTRACTED - from the lives of the H & W. REcovery and healing is HARD enough in the most perfect of scenarios. Add in OP being there - be it job, community - it only ADDS to the hardship of healing.

I want to HEAL. I want our M to HEAL. SOW is a deterrent. An obstacle. I don't care if people see it as weak on my part. "Who cares. It's not about her." I know that. BUT she is a pysichal (sp?) reminder of the A! I want all reminders removed! (i.e. his car was traded in months ago...couldn't ride in it - scene of 'lovefests')

I KNOW that moving will NOT solve OUR problems. We have TONS of healing and miles to go before we can say we are "better." It is about US. But what is wrong with giving us the BEST chances with the LEAST amount of obstacles to better our chances of healing. Am I making sense??????

PLEASE, comments, suggestions, advice, experiences NEEDED!!! Thanks everyone! MB has been my saving grace this past year!! Love you all!

Hugs,
Frags

#1228142 11/13/04 07:04 PM
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^^^^^^^^^^^^^
shameless bump
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#1228143 11/15/04 06:01 PM
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^^^
bump again...
really looking forward to hearing from couples that moved after the A...thanks!

#1228144 11/15/04 06:53 PM
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My H and I moved after the A. It was good for us as all our neighbors new about the affair (as he had her over all the time and was OBVIOUS about it outside). THat and the OP use to live with us, way to full of memories. That and I swear she was driving by!! WE moved to a nice newer neighborhood full of kids- and she as far as I know does not know where. Our kids like it here as there is almost always someone to play with. It was good for our relationship- as the bigger house payment makes us work harder at our marriage because neither of us can afford it on our own and we do not want to up root the kids again. My marriage is still rocky to put it mildly- however I do not regret the move.

#1228145 11/15/04 07:21 PM
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Thanks for your input, T.

I hear ya about the driving by. For several months in the spring she drove by my house every morning taking her kid to school. My street is four blocks out of her way in the other direction! A few times she PURPOSELY stood next to my car in the church lot to talk to other people. How pathetic.

I don't HAVE to live this way. My H can probably find a place to work that he is happier at, I can find a FT job and get involved in my kid's activities and the community without worrying about being harrassed or running into the one person in this world I'd rather never set eyes on again.

Frags

#1228146 11/15/04 07:34 PM
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Dont forget the dream house and new memories!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, I just know exactly where you are coming from on the house issue.

#1228147 11/15/04 07:41 PM
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<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> yep John - not forgetting about that!!

H is looking right now at work online for openings elsewhere.
He says he wants a BIG tree in the yard. LOL
But i warned him- our DD will want a tree house built!

Gotta run - I am ready for some football!

Hugs, Frags

#1228148 11/15/04 07:54 PM
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Tree house, tire swing, skinned knees, broken leg. Fond memories of a large oak that stood in my back yard growning up.

#1228149 11/15/04 08:16 PM
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We haven't actually moved, but I feel like I cannot live in the same town with her. And she lives in a different suburb across town. Her children go to completely different schools. We never cross paths - Thank goodness!

He has worked with her for 10 years and I've probably only seen her maybe 10 times. My only real chance of seeing her would be at H's office. Which is the main reason we have to move. He still works with her and unfortunately, has to work closely with her. I would never feel comfortable. As it stands now, I can hardly stand for him to go to work.

Someone responded to me saying that moving was the best thing they did. But I can't remember who said it. Top Rope maybe?

My H thinks he would be ok working with her. But he understands why I wouldn't. And actually we have wanted to move to a different area for several years. But looking for a good job has been difficult. Hard to find something out of state, which is what we are looking for.

I hope my comments have helped you. And I hope to see some responses to your post too.

ng <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#1228150 11/15/04 08:45 PM
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We recently moved from DC area to FL to get away from the A. It was good timing, since we were looking to move to a bigger house anyway. It's only been a couple of months and OW did text message a couple of weeks ago and that really set us back.

I believe it was the best chance we had. FWH is still in withdrawal, but he's nice enough. Just doesn't have those "in love" feelings yet. The new house is a good and bad thing. FWH spends a lot of time fixing up the house. But SH said maybe H needs to do this to deal with his w/drawal.

So we haven't spent any time actively addressing our problems. I don't know anyone here, so I can't get a recommedation for MC. But all and all it has been a good move. Since we don't know anyone just yet, we spend a lot of time as a family and I think that has helped a lot.

By the way, H is not working. He quit his job to get away from OW. I now work from the house, so we are around each other a lot. That helps too. Basically, we are living off of the money we made moving from Mid Atlantic to FL. The kids love it. They love the schools, they love the sun, and they especially love the family together. I think this helps H a lot during this sucky withdrawal period.

Oh, and we tend to talk a lot about the future--mostly house stuff, but it's a start and it's safe talk.

#1228151 11/16/04 01:23 PM
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ng & FE


I realize this is a BIG step to make and we are going to fully research the decision. Where we go would depend on where my H can find a job. His field is very specialized but there is usually openings somewhere in the country. BUT I don't want to move TOO far away from my hometown b/c both of our families are here.

I guess if it's meant to be, things will fall into place. We are not going to jump unless it feels right.

ng - can't your H just get another job in your area since OW isn't in your town?

Frags

#1228152 11/16/04 06:07 PM
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Well, technically this is a rather small area. When I say another suburb, it is really not all that far away. We live in one of several outlying areas of a mid-sized city. Most people work inside the mid-sized city.

I don't think I feel comfortable living in the same geographic area as she does. Also, there are not a lot of family related activities around here. I mean, there are some. Some people would argue with me on that one. I think my H has always really wanted to move away from this area. He doesn't really have a hard time leaving this area. I am the one with the problem leaving. My parents live close to here. I am their only child, and they are really getting older and my father is in poor health. They are older than most parents of people my age. So I don't know how I'll handle things with them. But I trust that God will show us the way. I truly believe he has so far.

But I think we really both want to find a new start somewhere. I just pray we will make the right decision. I know things will work out as they should.

Good luck to you!
ng <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#1228153 11/29/04 03:02 PM
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Update:

We are going to move forward with the moving process.

DFW is applying for a position in a city about 150 miles from here. He knows the top supervisor and he told DFW that he will not post the position with their national affiliation until DFW's application & consideration goes through. This could take up to 3 months. Other than your normal interviews etc, there are background checks, and other guidelines that must be followed.

DFWs field is very specialized and this is the only opporunity right now available in the areas that we would consider moving to. So if this falls through, we wait until something else comes up and hope it won't be LONG!

We have spoken to my family (just a sis & bro) and his mother so far. The conversation with his mom was what I expected. Said we were running away, I should "get over it & move forward." *sigh* We always knew we'd move at some point. It's just sooner than we anticipated. I took it all she said a grain of salt - she has "moved on" so many times through bad/abusive/cheating relationships that she her opinion on this and what it would mean for healing our marriage doesn't mean much.

So if all goes well and he gets accepted, they will give us some time to deal with the relocation.

We started looking at properties in a really nice area about 40 minutes from the job.

I'm getting excited about it. We haven't told the kids - will wait to see if the job is a definite.

Thanks for everyone's opinions on this! I appreciated all of them!

Frags


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