BH-
I know you didn't call me an addict, but there were several MBers who did refer to me as one. So even though my post was addressed to you, it was also for everyone else who was reading. I told you in a letter that even though I'd forgiven you for what you did to me, I never regained respect for you. I thought I had, but I don't think I got over it. I was pretty damaged by it, in fact. When a woman's husband is physically violent with her, that is a sign of the utmost disrespect. A H is supposed to care for and protect his wife. I have forgiven you, but I haven't healed.

You said that the reason you filed for D was b/c I didn't show remorse. But HOW ELSE could I have shown remorse. WHAT ELSE could I have done???

I love you. I still want to work things out. I am so sorry for what I did. I never thought that I'd do it...and I regret it every day. I think about you every day--how hurt you are, and how I wish I could take the pain away. And I've no one else to blame but me for it. I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you. I want nothing more than to work things out...I know it'd be a long, painful road. I was and am willing...I love you.

Pep-
To try to answer your question...After the A, my H didn't want to have anything to do with me. And I came to terms with that. There wasn't much I could do to show him my remorse. I apologized on my knees. Wrote him many letters telling him how sorry I am and how much I want to work things out with him. It wasn't JUSt cooking and laundry. B/c I wasn't able to see him and live with him and show him my remorse on a daily basis, I took the advice other MB's gave me...I did any little thing i could for him to show that I care. I was trying to be nice and meet his emotional needs and by doing so, I would think that that is showing remorse. Every time I saw him, I let him know how sorry i am. And I am. How else could I have shown him my remorse when he doesn't want to be near me? Well, like I said, I followed the advice of other MBers and tried to do the only things I knew to do. When I was allowed to stay at home on weekends, I'd spend the whole weekend trying to make the next week for him a little easier...by doing his laundry and making food for him for the upcoming week. That's my reasoning. That was all I COULD do. To me, doing little things like that was showing him that I was trying...even if it wasn't what I would have liked to have done, I was trying.

To all who've been reading these posts...
I BEGGED my H to go to marriage counseling with me well before the A.

I didn't kick him out of the house. What happened was after he told me he was going to file, he got physical with me in my grandparents' driveway. He kicked and dented my car, so I tried to kick his. When he left, I called him and told him I was going to stay at the house b/c I didn't trust him with the stuff in the house...he'd broken stuff before of mine that was very sentimental and I was worried that he'd do it again. And when I got home, I was right. He'd smashed our marriage photos and left them on the bedroom floor, with glass all over the place. I did tell him that night (b/c he had gotten physically violent with me) that I didn't want him near me that night...I was afraid for my safety. After a day or two, I emailed him and said that I'd go back to what we were doing before (which was him staying in the house during the week and me staying on weekends(not b/c that's what I wanted, but b/c that's what he wanted--remember, he didn't want to--I wanted to live with him and work on our marriage) but he couldn't be breaking stuff. He never responded and came to get his premarital belongings a few days later.

I am ashamed of my A. I am sorry for my affair. I love my H. I only wish that he would be willing to face this aweful time and conquer together.

bh76,

You have every right to divorce your W, Rae, for her infidelity if that is what you truly wish but if what she has said is true, then you must deal with your anger management issues before they destroy you and the people who care about you. Divorce will only separate you from Rae but it can never separate you from yourself.

i just wanted to say hi. rae, i'm so glad you posted. bh, i hope you are doing well today. keep in mind, both of you, for this to work, you have to work together with love!!!

love to you both, Karen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong> bh76,

You have every right to divorce your W, Rae, for her infidelity if that is what you truly wish but if what she has said is true, then you must deal with your anger management issues before they destroy you and the people who care about you. Divorce will only separate you from Rae but it can never separate you from yourself. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ditto every single word.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rae03:Pep-
It wasn't JUSt cooking and laundry. B/c I wasn't able to see him and live with him and show him my remorse on a daily basis, I took the advice other MB's gave me...I did any little thing i could for him to show that I care.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I see ... so really, you were meeting his EN's, as best you could under difficult circumstances. This is more precise, thank you for the explaination.

Before and during your affair, did you do similar things for your H? Like laundry, and cooking and such?

Pep

I'm 100% with TMCM & Pep guys on this.

Finally learning....I appreciate your response to my earlier post and apologize for not responding earlier.

After months of trying to get her to "open up" on the subject my XW finally said to me many of the things that you said. As a BS it was and is important to me that I know how she feels. The way it really went was "classic". She was unhappy, felt unwanted, met someone, had a couple flings while still married, decided she could not continue the affair, decided that she could do with out me, asked for divorce (the I do not love you any more speech, lied when asked who else is there? No one?!?!), I refused for 4 years, she filed anyway and we divorced. Her divorce action and subsequent d -day CRUSHED me. I lost 40% of my body weight in 6 months. the pain is still new (D-day 6/04).

And this is my advice to RAE and BH. The strength of your emotions regarding this is overwhelming. BH - I know I felt as if there was NOTHING my XW could say or do to convince me how bad she felt. I did not CARE, it was ABOUT MY PAIN!! Give it time, it will change. You need to address each others pain. It takes time to realize....it's not all about you (that goes for both of you)....

Good luck...stay on course...and it's OK to love each other

Pep-
Oh, YES! I did do things like this for him when we were married...all the time! I loved doing stuff like that for him...making his favorite meal...etc. But I really wasn't being met in the middle with the EN's being met. That's one of the complaints I had before my A...i felt like I was doing 90% of the work in the relationship. Not just chores...but all-around. I was exhausted and lonely...I attempted on many occasions to let him know that this is how i felt. Begged for us to go to counseling. please don't think that I'm making excuses for what I did, or trying for sympathy here. That is not my intention at all. I'm just commenting on the state of the marriage before the affair.

Thanks for your comments, everyone. I hope that my BH will reconsider the D. I know that in order for things to get better, then both of us will have to work hard. We would have to re-learn things. Or really learn what we didn't learn to begin with. While both of our parents are still married and all 4 parents are still alive, neither of us really had a really healthy H-W relationship to look at as far as an example. And you know what they say...you end up doing what you were taught or what you observed. My parents fought all the time, my Dad had a terrible temper and my mom never admitted doing anything wrong--ever. His mom is so loving and kind, but her ENs weren't met properly by her H. My father-in-law has a terrible temper also.

I can't go back and change what I did. I can't rewind 3 months and make different choices. I wish I could. I can only resolve to make good choices from now on. I can only resolve to work on myself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rae03:
Pep-
Oh, YES! I did do things like this for him when we were married...all the time! I loved doing stuff like that for him...making his favorite meal...etc. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See.... this is exactly why your H does not feel that these domestic activities (to fill his EN's) are your expression of remorse. You did these same things before and during your A.

Can you see my point?

Your post-A behavior needs to make a different statement.

Pep

Everybody--thanks for such an overwhelming response. I really appreciate it. Every time I visit this site I learn.

aussieswife-
Thanks for you kind words. I've been imploring my H to take as much time as he needs to get past the anger. I know that there are unresolved issues with the violence on my side.

Andrew A-
I fell in love with my H b/c:
- he was kind
- he was thoughtful-- he used to send me flowers at school, bring me coffee and blueberry bagels in bed, sweet things like that.
- he was affectionate
- I respected his devotion to his family (his family usually called on him, the single one in the family, when they needed something. This became problematic in our relationship when I started to feel that he was putting his family before me)
- we have the same spiritual background and beliefs
- he was fun to hang out with and do stuff with-- when we were dating, he always came up with fun stuff to do adn we had a blast
- he was a gentleman--opening the doors for me and everything!
- he was helpful- to me and to others
-he was a hard worker--and very reliable at work--I respect that

Finally Learning-
Since you had the same experience, maybe you can identify with this-- When I started seeing my IC, I was impressed. For the first time in a long time I felt like I'd get some real help. I came to really respect him and value what he told me. I took to heart what he was saying. After all, I thought, he's the professional.

Pep-
The thing is, though, is that he doesn't see my post-A behavior b/c he doesn't want anything to do with me. So what do I do?