Dear M23b,

Please accept our deepest sympathies for you and your family.

hugz,
L.

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 04:35 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Dad came back in and asked if he could sleep in the guest room </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe even in fogland he can see that living with OW's mom isn't too appealing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You're on the right track me thinks!


Take good care of yourself right now...praying for you and yours...hugs....

My heart is with you today Kandi.
There is nothing we can say.
But please find a little comfort in the people who love and care about you here.

Dearest Kandi,

Your daddy is now at peace and in the arms of angels. I mourn your loss and you are in my thoughts and prayers. I suspect that things are not over with Dt3b....but they really do NEED to be over for now while you have some time to grieve and regroup. You will feel tempted to call him and tell him that your father has died and throw it in his face....DON'T. Let him find out on his own. Let him feel the full impact of his actions without prompting from you. Gather the folks who care about you around you for now...and leave him out of this and the impact will be greater and show him that you are strong enough to handle this without him....just as OW could be strong enough to handle pregnancy without him if she wasn't so immature and selfish. She has her MOTHER afterall doesn't she?....unlike you...who must also help your grieving mother. Let the situation speak for itself....say nothing to him.

(((((((((((((((((kandi))))))))))))))))
I'm so sorry for you loss dear.

I know that nothing that I can say will bring much comfort but let me say I am sorry for your loss. I know what you are going through since I also lost my father but it really is a relief to see the suffering end.

You really are an amazing woman. I marvel at the love you have shown your Dad and your H. When I see a person of your strength and courage it makes me wish I had that strength. I feel sorry for myself and then when I see what you have to go through, I realize my problems are not so bad after all.

Please take care of yourself and god bless you! Also start living a new life now and make it a happy one. You sure deserve it!

Dear Kandi,

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. You have lived through the worst of circumstances all these months. You showed grace and courage. If you made any mistake it was in having too much love, trust, and forgiveness in your heart. Throughout your deep pain you always were willing to take Ed back. You believed in the power of redemption, and believed when he would tell you he changed. You lived with faith, hope, and love. Unfortunately Ed made the decision to turn away from what could have been the greatest gift he ever received in life.

The sadness and anticipation of watching your dad die is behind you. You will miss him terribly, but his pain is behind him. He will always be with you, supporting you. You will have family and friends around you. Dad will be living in the muck he created. Everyone here, including Dr. Phil can see his future. It's too bad he is not able to.

Please accept my love, hugs, and prayers for you and your family. CV

May your father always be as vivid in your mind as he is right now.
I am so sorry he has passed. Peace to him.

I don't blame you for your reaction with your H. He didn't step up to the plate of meeting this EN of yours and he should have known better.

Focus on your giving the boys positive experiences and a calm environment. They need that SO desperately right now.

Hang in there ... this storm shall pass like many others. {{{(((hug)))}}} -rh-

Kandi, I've been thinking about your situation since I read about your father's passing. My head shakes in disbelief in your H's behaviours.

I'm not saying that this marriage can be saved, or not saved. This goes WAY beyond that.

He knew your father was gravely ill. He contributed to making it even more difficult in a time when you needed somebody to lean on.

And, in times of your foul moods (hey, you deserved every one of them) he didn't step back and try to empathize with what put you there. Most people wouldn't handle the EMR/pregnancy situation alone very well. Add to that the stress of watching your father slowly and painfully die. And he expected WHAT from you....doting loving wife to make HIM feel better. To Hell with that.

So he walked out the door. He couldn't even wait till your Dad passed away. He's a physician, certainly he had a clue that it was only days/weeks away. IF he had to leave, could he not have got you through the funeral, and some "catch your breath" time in between. Could he not have been there to hold you while you cried, to tuck you into bed when you were exhausted, to spend quality time with the boys so you could recover from this without ALL of the responsibility sitting on your shoulders.

I don't know the situation between him and his OW. Is it love? I have NO idea.

But, he was in the middle of a family crisis. Now his boys will CLEARLY remember that their father walked out of the door on the day their grandfather died. They lost their Dad and their Grandpa in one night. I just cannot imagine how that will play in their minds in the future.

If he left to be with OW at some point after this crisis, and IF it was done with some sense of compassion for them and their feelings, then in the future, even though they hurt a lot at the time, they would be able to perhaps still respect him.

He took things WAY OVER THE LINE by walking that way. And without a goodbye to the kids. And while Grandpa was taking his last breath.

I honestly have no idea what he sees when he looks in the mirror. Does he think he is a misunderstood soul? Does he think he deserves every happiness, no matter who gets trampled in the process?

Again, I have no idea whether a marriage with this narcissist is worth your trouble Kandi...but only the very worst kind of human spirit would have allowed this mess to continue to play out the way it has.

Kandi, put him aside. Deal with your grief. Hug your boys. Recognize that even though he left in the "worst possible way", he is gone, and after the grieving your life will improve.

Go for walks Kandi, to help push depression away.

This is the worst case of abandonment that I've seen in a long time. And, from a man SO SMART!!! (tongue in cheek)

If his OW has any compassion, she'd be ripping him up one side and down the other for walking out on his family under those particular circumstances. I hope she is. I'd guess she's not. Sad, very sad.

Mom,

Sorry about your Dad, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Don't even think about DT3B, he is showing you what kind of man he really is. Would you be able to love and live with someone who checked out on you when you needed him most? He could have put himself on back burner to help you deal with this but he didn't. That says a lot about him, doesn't it?

Love your kids, and most importantly love yourself. One day you will wonder why you put up such a fight for this man of little character. Your life will be blessed with someone that will really deserve you. You will be happy and your Dad will be smiling down on you.

Cathy

MT3B,

I'm so sorry about your father's death. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your whole family.

Boy, did CV55 hit the nail on the head with this one. I agree completely. And so will DT3B if he ever gets out of that thick fog.

CV55 wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately Ed made the decision to turn away from what could have been the greatest gift he ever received in life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are a strong, beautiful and gracious woman who was loving and forgiving to your H. Anyone who is able to forgive adultry is giving the WS the greatest gift. I never really thought of it that way.

I agree with the person who said not to call him to tell him that your father died this morning. Let him find out on his own. The guilt should devestate him.

Hugs to you and those beautiful boys.

ng

My condolence to you Mom...

My best ally, my mother in law died last week. She was 75. Even that did not jolt WH out of his fog.

You have fought long and hard for WH.

I want to share with you my experience about plan B...do not do plan B when you are angry and hurt. Do plan B because you feel calm and you need a break from WH's action.

I know plan B says cut off all contact with WH but i think you should always keep the communication lines. You must keep the lines open with boundaries. Boundaries mean if he does anything like speaking or showing any hint about OW...tell him gently that you dont want to see him and call again another day when he is prepared to respect your boundaries...Be loving but tough.

Do not expect that plan B will get him back quick. Be prepared for a long haul...sometimes they come back fast and sometimes they dont...

Do not lose track of your objective.

Hugs to you..

I am grieving for you. Forget Plan A, Plan B and Dr Phil. You just need time to grieve, to support your little boys and your mother.

I think you might need a proper separation. I don't think you'll find space in your heart or head for your WH at the moment. There is so much emotional damage now. I just want to say how very sorry I am for your loss. It is plain for us all to see how much you loved your dad.

I'm going to pick up the phone tomorrow and tell mine I love him. TT

(((((Kandi)))))

On your other thread I responded with condolences for the loss of your dad. On this thread I want to respond with more thoughts toward your marriage.

At this time of grief and emotional loss, I would suggest that you take out some time for yourself. This is no time to be making lifechanging plans or decisions, because YOU, our dear Kandi, are in a world of hurt.

I would suggest that you put a moritorium on marriage stuff and focus on yourself and the business of making arrangements for your Daddy and caring for your Mom. Frankly, Ed and his OW are not even on your list of priorities--let them wait as you have done for so long. In a nice, civil way, just change the locks, ignore any phone calls, and block email FOR A WHILE. During this time of mourning, take care of yourself. Give yourself some soothing tea, warm baths, soup, and rest when you can. CARE for yourself. Be kind and loving and gentle to yourself. Worry about them later, and if they "can't wait" too bad!! Care for your Daddy. Give him a proper funeral and find him a resting place that he would love. Visit him and talk to him, and listen for him to talk to you. CARE for your Mom. She is also no doubt tired, grief-stricken, worried, afraid, lonely, and exhausted physically and mentally and spiritually. Give her soothing tea and soup too. Let her rest when she can. You two women can lean on each other and help each other get through this.

THEN...when you are good and ready and have given proper respects to your Daddy, and you feel good about the care you have given yourself and your Mom...THEN turn your thoughts and attention to D23B and his OW. Hey, I'm sorry. He made his bed of doggy doodoo and he can lie in it awhile. He is a grown man, destroying his wife and children, and at this point he can fend for himself for a while! If he tries to guilt you, as an expert on Jewish guilt, I suggest you don't even take it. If he has to crash on a buddy's couch because no one will "take him in" well WAAAAAAHHHH. Too bad you made the choices you made and have to live with the consequences now.

Kandi, we love ya. Care for YOURSELF. Care for your Daddy and pay him proper respects for the man, husband and father he was. Care for your Mom. Be kind and loving and gentle to YOURSELF.


CJ

Kandi,
Through all of this I have admired how you have been there for your dad. You could have allowed the situation with Ed to dominate your entire life. But you didn't. You had a battle on your hands, but you fought for your desire and right to be there for your mom and dad. If you had missed being there for your father throughout his last journey, you could never have gotten that time and experience back. I honor you for having the strength to make that choice. You could have allowed your conflict with Ed to give you "permission" to not be there for your father. Afterall, one can only handle so much "loss" at a time. The reality is that Ed will still be around to "fight another day".

Isn't it hard to know that our WSs know how to behave differently, to treat us in a loving way...but no longer choose to do it? It would almost be easier if they never had the "skills", so we wouldn't set ourselves up to expect anything different from them. But knowing it's there...somewhere...deep inside them..makes it easy for us to hold out hope that the person we knew and loved will come back again. It reminds me of when my xWS was caught up in addictive drinking and drugging. When he was sober, he could be such a wonderful person. So, I knew he had it in him to be that way. But with his addiction, he constantly chose his alcohol and drugs over being the loving supportive person he could be. I remember saying once, that I almost wished he had been involved with another woman, because then I might at least have a chance of competing. I was no competition for the drugs and alcohol. Me and my big mouth! He had been clean and sober for 6 years when he had his affair with a 21 yr old ( he was 47) he met at his AA/NA meetings. They now have a 2 1/2 yr old son with Down Syndrome..still have never married each other. Afterall, the OW had "nothing in life, no one to care about her..etc." And he "couldn't let their baby live on the streets." I, too was willing to explore having the OC in my life. At least we shared no children together. That's got to make it extra hard. His 20 yr. old son did say "Dad, I'll always love you, but I've lost all respect for you." And his 17 year old daughter said " BS, you've got more class in your little finger than the OW will ever have!" But the bottom line is, that this was the man I loved, and something in the OW appealed more to him. Nothing anyone said could make that pain go away.

Blessings on you, you mother, and your sons. Work things out in your time, with your priorities, when you feel strong enough..It's your life...and only you can decide how it will work best for you. The rest of us are just outsiders looking in, trying to be helpful. We are not in your shoes..we may have gotten them from the same department, but we're not walking in yours.

M23B--

I just wanted to add my condolences with the others on the passing of your father. May he rest in peace and may God give you, your mother, and your 3 precious boys and other family members strength and comfort in the days ahead.

Dear mom,

I had a thought today, thinking back on my dad and his actions, which I thought I'd share with you. I don't know if this will help, but Dt3b and my Dad have a lot of similarities, and as you know, my dad ended up with OW, to everyone's disgust.

It strikes me that your WH and my dad share a common "foggy" thought - they both think they are taking the moral high ground by leaving their families to "take care" of the OW. I know that sounds twisted, but it IS the way my father thought, and still thinks, even now. He never saw OW as a manipulator - he saw himself as the person who had to salvage her from the mess she was in - its part of his "white knight doctor" mentality. More importantly, his OWN self-esteem was destroyed by what he was doing to his wife and family. In his demoralized mind, the ONLY way he could bolster his own self-esteem was to act the part of rescuer of the OW. The fact that he ruined his children's lives and left the wife he loved and who loved him was the price paid for his mistake. He chose to paint himself as a martyr "I made a mistake and now I have to live with it", as if he had awarded himself a medal for this action. Significantly, he later became an alcoholic. This is addictive co-dependency behaviour. It's no accident that his own father was an alcoholic.

Obviously, to someone who is not in the fog, this is twisted thinking - how can you claim the moral high ground by leaving your wife and children? But to a person with addictive tendencies who is having an affair, he feels so low about himself that this actually looks like "up" to him.

I know this is no comfort to you at all. But it is my intuition that this is a window into what your H might be thinking.

Again, I'm so sorry for what you are going through and I'm praying for you and your boys.

LIR

Mom -

First off ((((((Kandi))))) I am sorry about you losing your dad. My mom passed 4 years ago this December (and yesterday was her Bday) and I know the grief that you are feeling. Like you, I was able to be with her in her last weeks and days and that does give me comfort. Know he knew you were there and loved him til the end!

I also think of you everyday and the struggles with Dad. I have read and watched this struggle and cannot fathom what it must be like. Meanwhile I b*tch and moan on recovery about DFW and he is here for me. Thanks for putting things in perspective for me at times.

You are a wonderful, strong, beautiful loving woman. Your children need you. they need a stable place to call home. Dad cannot provide that. YOU can!

Know that you are in mine and DFW's prayers everyday. May God give you the strength and blessings to get through this!

Hugs!!! Fraggles

Mom -

You and your family are in my prayers.

Carol