Last Wednesday, I exposed my fww's affair to OMW. In so doing I learned that this was not his first affair and a few other things, which I told my fww. She went to have a talk with him, to ask about those things, the answers she got were not the ones she wanted to hear...she ended the A. She came home and told me she had been wrong, thanked me for sticking through all of this, apologized for hurting me and told me that she loves me and wants our marriage.

We had a nice weekend, went out alone on Friday night to dinner, then went out with a couple we are friends with Saturday night to eat, then came home and played a game...then had a little talk last night.

Cliff Notes:
1) She loves me, tells me so when I tell her I love her. Sometimes she even says it first.

2) She feels terribly used by the OM, hates that she hurt me, mad at herself for letting herself be used, feels violated by the sex they had because she thought it was love and it was just him using her...she truly sees him for what he is

3) She says that she realized that her future is with me in our M and that she was just being used. Says she has a great husband who loves her and will always be there for her no matter what and that she has done a lot of terrible things to him (what she told her friend)

4) She told me that all the things she said to me during the A were just wrong and meant to hurt me and make her feel better. I asked her about one thing that hurt worse than anything, when she told me she had no feelings for me. She said that was true and that she had lost everything but that some of it had already come back and she was trying. I told her I just want her to love me, she replied 'I do'.

5) She is willing to go to MC, I think we should.

6) I was honest with her and told her that every few hours I think about her having sex with him and it's like a cold chill up my spine..I have to just shake it off..

7) I copied off the EN survey from the back of SAA and we filled them out yesterday morning. In a way I wish I hadn't as she only participated to make me happy...

Her Top 5
1. Recreational Companionship
2. Honesty and Openness (how ironic?)
3. Affection
4. Admiration
5. Financial Support

My Top 5
1. Affection
2. Honesty and Openness
3. Sexual Fulfillment
4. Conversation
5. Recreational Companionship

When we talked about my number 3 not being on her list, she said she just honestly wouldn't care if she never had sex again, yet when I initiate, she says she enjoys it

8) When we talked and I told her I honestly felt like a second choice or fallback, since if he hadn't turned out to be a louse, she wouldn't have chosen me. She simply replied, 'That's not true'

9) Saturday afternoon I began putting up outside Christmas lights, she said that she wasn't in the holiday mood and that she hoped that I and everyone else had a great Christmas, but it wouldn't be for her. I told her that I thought it would be the best Christmas ever because I only wanted one gift desperately and I already had it...she smiled. We are going to her Grandma's for Thanksgiving on Thurs and she says she is looking forward to that.

We are doing well, having good times together, when I hug her, she hugs me back, when I kiss her, she kisses me back, when I initiate sex she enjoys it

...and I find that I am completely miserable...

I absolutely, like never in my life, crave affection and attention from her...and it will only come upon request...I want her to come up and hug me, bring me a card, initiate SF, all the things she used to do...all the things I was sometimes so self involved or stupid that I pushed away....damn myself for that...

She get's home from work a couple hours before me today and there is a card on the kitchen counter waiting for her, telling her how happy I am that she made the decision she did and how much I love her...

So, my question is simple...

How long do you think it will take for my wife to fall back in love with me and show me the affection I crave so badly...I want a happy holiday season with her, I want to romance her...win her back...

How long will it take? Any educated guesses? Everything else I have learned from Dr. Harley and the vets here has been spot on...what should I expect now?

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 07:31 AM: Message edited by: Hurting Hoosier ]</small>

HH,

I'm glad to hear about you and your WW. If you remember in SAA about Jon and Sue. The story was also that Sue was dumped by the OM and so then came back to her BS. If I remember correctly it took a long time (year?) for them to get comfortable with each other again. Granted what the book described happened is different from your situation, I don't think yours got that bad. So here's to hoping that is won't take that long.

My MC also told me that it usually takes a month for every year that there have been problems, to get over the problem. Don't know if that helps, but I'm glad to hear everything looks up on your side.

native00,

Maybe it's a defense mechanism...but I like to think it's not totally that he dumped her..she found out the truth about him and dumped him..she asked him that if they were together he could guarantee he wouldn't cheat on her..his answer was 'I would hope not'...she also said that the first time they went to dinner she asked if he had ever done anything like that (the A) before, he said no. When she found out that wasn't the case..she was done..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My MC also told me that it usually takes a month for every year that there have been problems, to get over the problem.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That sounds really good! The A only lasted about a month and our marriage was great a year ago..

Hi HH,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How long do you think it will take for my wife to fall back in love with me and show me the affection I crave so badly...I want a happy holiday season with her, I want to romance her...win her back... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sures sounds like your W is already on the right track. There are so many BS that would LOVE for their WS to be where your W is right now... Find a good pro-marriage MC and start going as soon as you can.

Rebuilding your M is tough work... and it's even tougher if you try to do it on your own. MC won't make rebuilding any less painful, and it won't give you any "short-cuts", but it will keep you and your w on track with the important issues that you'll both need to work through.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How long will it take? Any educated guesses? Everything else I have learned from Dr. Harley and the vets here has been spot on...what should I expect now? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For us, it took just a bit over two years to finally get to a place where we both felt comfortable with each other and where the pain and anger (both mine and hers) didn't consume us on a daily basis.

Early on say, during the first 6 months, you can expect some good days and some really bad days... the second 6 months is usually where the WS and BS are starting to feel comfortable enough to really share their hurt and anger with each other... The good days will start to outnumber the bad ones. Hopefully your MC will have taught you both new ways to communicate with each other and the good days will far outnumber the bad ones. You'll still have setbacks from time to time in the second year, but again, if your MC has taught you some basic communication skills, you will both be able to deal with any issues that come up.

Again, find a good pro-marriage MC and start as soon as you can...

Semper Fi,
RIF

but I like to think it's not totally that he dumped her..she found out the truth about him and dumped him That sounds more positive.

Yeah I agree with what Rif is saying. As long as the MC is helping you along it sounds like you have a good chance.

I totally wish my WW was where yours is at right now. I know it's really early for me, but I'm not seeing any hope from WW's side.

Rif, Semper Fi back at ya, I was with I Co. 3rd bn/ 5th Mardiv

HH,

The BS also goes through phases of feelings. Please scroll through the links in my sig line and look for the 5 stages of grieving. See if you can setup some counseling with Jennifer or Steve @ MB for either both of you or even just yourself.

The real worry is not her falling back in love with you but you getting over your anger of betrayal and falling back in love with her. After she sheds the WS skin and grows back into being a good spouse, then you will have to decide if you can live with that. That is where the real work is.

Each of you will have your own part to work on. It is an uphill battle for now but worth it if you do it together.

all the best,
L.

I hope this helps...this has been my experience.

D-day was March 2003, after a Plan A and Plan B FWH moved back in August 2003 and sent a NC letter.

There was only a few weeks of withdrawal (most of it before he moved back in) but my expectations were high. I had been working very hard on fulfilling his EN's and at about November my Taker came out and said "What about me?" We went through a honeymoon period in August and September where we were trying very hard...but then we got back into some very bad habits that originally caused the A to happen.

The FWH seemed selfish to me, but in reality I wanted him to bend over backwards to help me heal...to REALLY show me. I'm not sure he could have done enough. IT was at this time I started getting very ANGRY about the situation, the triggers, the hurt and pain, and I wanted him to make up for it. Of course, when you expect a person to give more in a R than you are giving, it can't be kept up for long. He was trying, and he couldn't have given enough to make me happy. We had some long talks every month or so about what I needed. He WAS giving, but not exactly what I needed...we were tweaking our R. And I was learning how to ask for what I wanted without nagging.


We were seeing a MC, and I was able to post on here and get help along the way (the Recovery board, alothough slower, was a great help to me).

It seemed like we were on a rollercoaster, or more like a merry-go-round, we had a cycle...and I wanted OFF.

He was passive-aggressive, and what helped was learning about his part in the demise of our M...just because he didn't argue, didn't mean he wasn't hurtful and dishonest.

It took near goliath strength to stop every encroachment of bad behavior during this past year. And it was a real art...apologies, stopping the conversation sometimes, knowing when to bite my tongue, expressing to my H when I wasn't happy...and in a loving way.

We are doing much better...starting at about the 1 year mark from D-day...we have picked up some VERY good habits.

Yes, it will be tough...but you can do it...this is a real push to CHANGE your M. Work on her top 3 EN's, as you get better, you can add the other 2, but you'll get the most bang for your buck if you fulfill the top 3!!

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 01:22 PM: Message edited by: StillHereMakingIt ]</small>

Orchid is pretty good at setting some sort of timeline, and putting things in real perspective as well.

6 months...is the turning point..and I don't know why, but someone told me that about 8 weeks into recovery, and I thought...wow...that's a long time.

But I stuck with it. I knew eventually this terrible time we were experiencing would eventually become a blip on the radar compared to the lifetime of happiness I would be rewarded with.

So ok....I'm now...almost 8 months into recovery. And we're doing great. If nobody has told you enough, you DO end up with a better marriage on the other side.

Hang in there, and really be prepared for the "miserable" feelings to come and go. We call them rollercoasters on the recovery board as well...and in early recovery...when that rollercoaster FLIES down the hill, you lose all your forward momentum. But rest assured after a few days, you go back up. In time, there are less downhill FLIES, and they become more of a dip, but the highs get higher.

We are fortunate. I know it's hard to see that now, but you will.

Oh...and about feeling like 2nd choice....I'll tell you what my H told me when I told him those exact words. He said..." You've always been my first choice" I chose to MARRY you.

When WE, the BS, especially ones like ME, who contributed greatly to my FWS feeling unwanted, unneeded, unappreciated, get an opporunity to "do it right".... it's a wonderful thing...all around.

Hang in there !!

Thank you so much for words of encouragement. Sorely needed at this point.

FWW just called...got home and found my card on the counter...called to tell me how sweet it was...

Another deposit in the love bank...Kaching...

For my 2 cents, take it slow and easy. Over 20 years ago, I was the WW. It was a hellish period and I still have no idea where my head was at. It took a long time to sort it through. My H never would do MC and uses my A as his excuse for his current A. I don't buy it but whatever happens this time, we're doing MC!

The thing I came to realize about my dark time is that it affair proofed me. Now I know I was led on by the OM. He used my naivity and feelings. He was never as serious as I was. I was stupid. I'll admit it.

Since that time, I have been a faithful wife and devoted mother. I changed. Maybe other people can too. (At least I think this on my good days <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) And I'm not giving up on WH yet either.

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: HurtingCarol ]</small>

HH,

That is some great news! I hope you burn of the "deposit slips" fast!

Native

oops, meant to say burn up those deposit slips!!!