Could you guys give me a reality check?

My friends think I am giving too much energy to the D. Probably right. Most people think I shouldn't hurt over this anymore -- even given the multiple betrayals from friends and the community. Everyone seems to think I am exagerrating. So can you walk through this with me? Make allowances for my extreme language:

WH filed for D last December. Tried to serve me after Christmas. I begged them to wait, as I would be unable to look for a lawyer during the holidays.

I was served at the end of January. While I was surprised the reprieve was so long, I was glad of it. I found a lawyer. Returned papers for disclosure to him in late February.

He sat on the papers for five months or so. I assumed that he wasn't particularly serious about D -- perhaps she was threatening to walk. He returned them a few days before scheduled remarriage. Of course, being self-employed and having virtually no records (I hadn't even done my taxes at that point), it took me some months to reply, and plenty of help.

While my lawyer isn't particularly quick to reply, several weeks ago my lawyer returned a draft to the other attorney.

His attorney has been pestering my attorney for quick replies -- "Is this the only case he has?" said legal secretary, who said this is the most extreme thing of its kind she'd ever seen, in terms of multiple phone calls. His lawyer began threatening me with "just cause of action" to make things move faster. Threatened to depose me. I get two very "reasonable" emails from my H, saying they will depose me -- the first on Sat. morning, when I can do nothing -- the second to let me off the hook Monday morning if I instruct my attorney to call his attorney. This felt like pleasantly worded blackmail to me.

Meanwhile, I learn the attorneys HAD been talking, and in fact my attorney had scheduled depo for Christmastime. This apparently isn't good enough.

Meanwhile, WH has gotten higher-ups to call me and pressure me of the speed of the D. OVER THIS LAST WEEKEND, the matron-of-honor from my wedding was emailed (from abroad, as WH is travelling) to see what she could do to get me to move. At this point, I am waiting on my attorney.

My lawyer said things started getting frantic a month or two ago. Something changed. Can't imagine what that might be -- green card mess can't be that urgent. She could simply leave the country briefly if she had to.

Just J: I did as you said, writing a letter to my lawyer suggesting a reprimand might be appropriate, instructing them not to bring supernumeraries into this drama. Don't know what he'll do -- I left it up to him.

My friends say that WH isn't being that unreasonable. He's just trying to move things along. ARE THEY RIGHT?

I feel like I'm going mad.

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 02:48 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

It's the perspective AM. Your friends don't seem to see what you have been feeling.

R U mad? Yep. Insane? Nope. There's a difference you know. In the fog those 2 words tend to get a bit mixed up by the WS.

IMHO, you should keep on your course. Slow and steady. The one who you need on your side is your lawyer.

Let these people (friends/xfriends) know you are moving things along so why are they choosing to believe a lying WS? Then they can get back to the wacko with a broken calculator and give him a bad time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

L.

I got called a paranoid -- and maybe I am becoming one.

I just can't tell anymore.

No one can really identify with this mess until they live it. And really, I think most people are conflict avoiders at heart, so, they just do not want to be caught up in the middle of it. Heck, my own best friend is W-Ex's boss, and she does not want to "get involved." We have known each other since 8th grade. And even she is in this uncomfortable space where she does not know what to do with me (did not invite my daughter and I to her daughters b-day this year, which is extremely hurtful). I just figure, these people are doing the best they can.

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 07:43 PM: Message edited by: SerendipiT ]</small>

Here's a reality check for you:

Are these the same "friends" who attended a mock wedding ceremony recently?

If so, why in the world would you consider their label credible evidence that you should question your sanity?

If not, why in the world would they buy into the idea that there is no harm meant by a pushy tyrant who committed ceremonial bigamy?

AM,

U R no more paranoid than someone who has just come home found their house ransacked not once but twice. The perpertrator not only leaves his calling card but tries to leave his laundry with a note he expects you to wash and fold his clothes by noon on Tuesday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Let's say this nut does it over and over again..... you call for police protection and the dispatcher tells you, to chill, that lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place. Of course it doesn't, just the front door, back door and now you are worried that nut will try crawling through the windows.

So are you paranoid if you now do the nightly run of checking each door and window to make sure they are securely fastened?

I think not. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

U R not paranoid, just a bit shaken and cautious. Let those who don't understand know that you can send that thief to their house and see how they like it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

L.

One of my favorite expressions is "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine."

Many thanks, all. This has been such a wild shootout. I never know where the next bullets are going to come from.

The problem is: no one wants to believe WH is a crazy. They are even trying to "normalize" OW now.

So any reaction at all I have to his subliminal hostility and manipulation and weirdness has got to be ME. Because it can't be reasonable WH. Oh no, not him.

Being by nature high-strung, perceptive -- and yes, under pressure paranoid -- leaves me in a weird place. I can either wear a complete mask in public -- and be socially acceptable (but one can die behind a mask) -- or be perceived as bitter, resentful, angry, paranoid if I say a peep.

(The last four adjectives were all used today. It was a good friend -- but she doesn't take marriage terribly seriously. Nobody does. Matron-of-honor was great, though.)

They got you going and coming. Or is it coming and going.

___________

Serendipity -- I saw your post earlier today. Didn't know what to say.

Serendipity -- I saw your post earlier today. Didn't know what to say. But I wanted to express some solidarity and sympathy, in my clumsy way.

________

I know that maybe this sounds far-fetched. All my friends tell me I'm history as far as WH&OW are concerned -- but I can't help feeling, especially after reading Dani's thread, that some of this energy against me is a "common enemy" thing. This is the kind of thinking my friends say is paranoid. But knowing that they MUST be having enormous problems -- from the situations they have created, from the fact that they both have health and psychological issues -- I can't help but feel that their lives must be simpler when they have an external enemy. My WH is the calm, controlling type ... but still... Am I going mad?

<small>[ November 23, 2004, 11:13 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

*sigh* I read this post late last night, started a reply, saved it when the computer decided it didn't have enough power, and just now remembered to post it. Sorry!

-------------------------------------------

AM, I know precisely how you feel. Let your matron of honor know that your attorney is handling things and you would really appreciate it if she would not pass any messages regarding your husband. Then do the same for all of your other mutual friends. This is a LEGAL matter with LEGAL consequences and friends, no matter how wonderful, need to stay on the sidelines.

In terms of the deposition? Eh. My answer would be "So? And your point is? Sure, I'll chat with whomever. What time would you like me there?"

They are using the threats because they expect you to be frightened. What is there to be frightened OF at this point? I mean, really! The man had an affair, got MARRIED while still married, and has been a general creep. Whatever you may have done is going to look a little pale by comparison.

Don't be afraid of a deposition, nor of going to court. Take the time you need to do things right, and stand up tall as you do.

And it may certainly be that you are angry, bitter, resentful, and paranoid. That's totally fine with me. Other people bring it up because it BOTHERS them that you feel that way. I do believe it's important to work through to acceptence and serenity -- for one's own sake, not for the sake of anyone else. If you're becoming ready to do that, that's great! If not? Eh, you'll get there in your own time.

I suspect that once your divorce is final, things will change for you. It's a distinct environmental shift.

Ms. Martin..
I believe you are living an Anne Rice novel and are surrounded by vampires...
and you are the only one not bitten...

I hope you are wearing garlic...and protecting yourself and your soul from their poison and truly are planning on leaving when you can...

though this post if offered with my own usual insanity...I am somewhat serious...

I hope you are well and do not get lost in their chaos...

you can't save him...as sad as that is...

ARK

Just J, Ark, You are both a godsend. You have no idea how weird and lonely this is getting.

Just J, the whole point of the depo is not only to frighten me, but to drive the legal costs into the sky. I doubt WH is paying since the attorney is likely offering his services gratis or at greatly reduced cost. My lawyer has scheduled the depo for Christmastime. By that time, it will definitely be spinning things out to do a depo. If they want to make this last longer, I can't stop them. But by that time, it will be punitive.

Parts of me ARE bitter, angry, resentful. But I just try not to go there. You have to leave THAT part behind, and live in other rooms of your house. But others keep reminding me of this sitch, in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. I keep getting pulled back to the car wreck. And I can't turn consistently to anyone for sympathy or support.

Ark, Anne Rice? Yes! Definitely the way it feels. I keep trying to build bridges outward, and limit my contact with the craziness. And ... plenty of garlic!

What exactly is holding up this alleged divorce at this point?

Right at this moment, probably slowness of attorney. I'm not sure the "slowness" is unreasonable -- he does have other cases to attend to. Part of my "not going back to the room" is that I don't want to get too involved in this -- when he contacts me, fine, otherwise I try not to think about it.

The slowness, previously, was my difficulty in pulling together financial stuff. Not deliberate or provocative slowness -- though other side may perceive it that way. It certainly was not nearly as long as they took to respond.

But, as my attorney said, some new pressure seems to have entered the sitch. At some point a month or two ago, they went crazy with urgency. No idea why.

The absolute zero communication between me and WH (other than his bullying emails) has probably made all this worse, from one angle. And more expensive, legally. On the other hand, not communicating with this alien from the mother ship has definitely improved my peace of mind.

<small>[ November 23, 2004, 02:32 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Well, I guess I would ask how fast YOU want it to be proceeding. I understand not going back in the room. However, sometimes you have to run through the room holding your breath in order to get to the other side.

Makes no difference to me. You see, it's not going to be over when the D is final anyway. I will still have to see him in the community, in his "leadership role." I will still see OW. She might even renew her stalking stint. So D does not promise peace in my case.

So what's it going to look like when you have peace?

J... what a GREAT question!!!

This could be an entire topic for the board.

Pep

Absolutely do not know, at this point.

I know it sounds like surrendering to contemplate relocating.

But let's do a Ben Franklin Pro's and Con's of staying put, shall we?

Pro:
1. I can live in a socially stimulating environment? Nah. Drama and soap opera living isn't stimulating. It's mind numbing. Try again.

1. I can keep my job and my house? Hmmm. Perhaps. Needs to be explored on the Ben Franklin sketch for "MOVING/RELOCATING"

2. My children are here? Are they yours? Or your step children? And can they thrive by visiting you away from the toxic waste dump that used to be your home?

3. My wonderfully loyal friends. Scratch that. If these are friends, who needs enemies?

4. I can't let them WIN. It's a turf war. I have to claim victory on this one.. And the prize is???

Ok. I've wracked my brains, and cannot, for the life of me can't come up with another single pro for staying put.

Ok. The Cons.

1. Serenity. Sweet peace at last as I get away from Pine Valley, Salem, and all the other dicey little settings for soap operas.

2. I don't have to worry about running into them.

3. I don't have to get the latest mindless update on HIS or HER behavior.

4. I can get to work on rebuilding my life, better, freer, and surround myself with people who don't have to bow down to the naked emperor and his court jester!

5. I can provide a safe haven away from the toxic drama for loved ones to visit. They can know and love me without having to watch out for back-stabbers and other malcontents.

6. What a challenge for me to find a new job, or to relocate and become known for who I am, rather than who I once was married to.

And the list just keeps growing. Can anyone else here help Ms. Martin with their list of pros and cons?