I am 38 years old with 3 kids 17, 15 and 8. I have been married 18 years. After we had been married for about about 15 months the subject of infidelity came up and my husband told me he had been unfaithful 3 times. I should explain his profession is one where he travels alot and is in the spot light. We already had a baby at the time and some how we got past this. Our marriage had lots of strains as he continued to travel a lot of times with disregard to my feelings. About 2 years ago something made me think he had been unfaithful more times so I asked. He came out with the information that he had actually been unfaithful 8 times. After this I didn't believe he had told the truth so with more questions it finally came out to 21 times. This all took place almost immediately after we got together and continued for a period of 7 years. All along he had said it never happened after we lived together or we were married but that was a lie too. Apparently it ended just after our first anniversary (we already had our first child at the time). Well we are working through some books together and trying to get past this. It has only been about a month and a bit since he told me the whole truth and in that time he has gone away on a couple of trips. I have come to the realization that I don't like anything about our courtship, our life living together, our marriage or starting a family, it is all tainted. Some people may read this and wonder why on earth I would even consider trying to over come this am I crazy? I guess in his defence he swears he has told me everything and wants to do a polygraph test to show he has been honest with me now. And since the first bit of truth came out 2 years ago he has changed tremendously and is very supportive and kind to me. He doesn't want to lose me and will do whatever I say/ want. He has also stressed the fact that he has been faithful to me for a very long time now and he does show genuine remorse. I don't know, this all just seems too much after typing this out and reading it myself. Is there any hope or should I toss the bum out where he probably belongs?

Accept his offer to have a polygragh then consider doing them periodically to ease your mind after you get the results from this one.

Is he willing to learn about why he would betray you in this way all these years? Will he read Surviving an Affair, by Willard Harley? Another good book is Torn Asunder, Dave Carder. Will he agree to IC?

How about actively working with you to have a better marriage than you have by following the Marriage Builder's program..either the home study course or go to a MB weekend seminar. There is one in Dec. in L.A. and one in Orlando, FL in January? You can check them out on this site.

It is good that he feels remorse now he needs to back up his words with actions that will do lots to reassure you that he is seriously wanting to end his serial adultery and save your marriage.

Have you read the concept area of this site?

Pep

I just discovered this site today and have been reading the information all day.

Hi Trix,

Thank you very much for your reply. We have talked about why he cheated and he never really has been able to answer that. Some excuses were made but that was all they were and he realized that after further discussion. One good thing, he has stopped making excuses and has accepted responsibilty for his actions.

I do feel its very important to me to know why he did it, the old Bill Clinton line "I did it just because I could" doesn't cut it with me.

It does worry/ hurt me that at a time when we should have been more than satisfied with each other and meeting each others needs that he could have cheated so many times. He did travel alot and definitely took advantage of that.

I will suggest the books you recommeded and I am sure he will be willing to read them. He is showing me with his actions now that he will do what it takes but sometimes I feel it may be too late.

It is very hard to take the fact that the man I married was not at all the person I thought he was. In his business and with the amount he travelled the trust/ faithfulness issue was always very important to our relationship. I know I need to be positive but at times it is very difficult.

It seems everyone here is going through much more current affairs. So much time has passed (or so he says, actually I do think I believe him now) since he was unfaithful but I don't think it lessens the pain and horrible heartache. The fact he waited so long to come clean and also that he did it over years (3 separate reveals) is hard to take too. It only led to more lies, so now when he says I am telling you everything is it really the truth? I've definitely heard that one before. My heart just feels like maybe its been shattered too many times to do the work needed to carry on with him.

Welcome to MB.

Read the concept section above. You and your H can do work on this even when he travels (assuming he has a laptop or internet access).

Take the emotional needs questionnaire. Read Suriving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs both by Dr W. Harley.

Get on the phone and setup phone counseling with Steve Harley @ MB. He w/b worth the time and $$.

Post here as needed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

All the best,
L.

My H's affair was 4 years ago. Painful. Yes it has been a long time, but what you are going thru is difficult because you really just found out. My father had multiple affairs..I am sure mom only knew about some-I knew. Well, many years later, they are still married and I know he loves her. It's sick, but I'd bet that your H loves you too. THe affairs are about something missing from them, they reach away from the marriage instead of reaching in. So sad. Keep reading and welcome. It doesn't ever go away, but it does get better. JMHO