I know the possibliity of getting hit pretty hard is a reality once I tell you all what is happening. I am looking for anyone that has been there too to offer advice in my situation. I really feel like I am alone.

My H has been a WS most of our marriage. I have forgiven him and we moved on after several years of counseling and church support. Last year I discovered unimaginable porn, web cam stuff and numerous contacts with other women including phone contact etc. etc. etc.

WS moved out for 6 months but I allowed him to move home because of the children and finances. We have been in counseling with a counselor who is supposed to know what he is doing in the area of sexual addiction and mc. We have only been to one session together in 7 months but go to ic weekly.

Here is the shocker. I was unfaithful 16yrs ago and followed the advice here at MB and told my husband about my affair. He was angry and now throws it at me whenever he gets angry or hurt. It doesn't matter to him that he had a girlfriend at the time and continued his behavior through all of my pregnancies when I thought he was being faithful.

The problem is that the man I was unfaithful with was never really out of my life but when I recommitted to my marriage and he got remarried we were not involved other than a working relationship. Well now it has turned into a bit more and I am scared. He has said our relationship feels different for him also. The thing is I know he loves his wife. I don't know how I feel. I don't love him but care about him. He listens to me, tells me I am smart and beautiful. An old story I know. I am not having sex with him but there has been kissing and cuddling. I told him I can't see him anymore because I didn't want it to go any further. He agreed but doesn't want our friendship to end. I don't want to hurt anyone else and I know this is wrong but I like being with him.

It has been 5 days since I have talked to him and my heart hurts. I miss my friend.

I know I am not 100% in this marriage or this wouldn't have happened. Sex with my H is fantastic but that seems to be all there is to it. I don't feel loved and I don't feel like I love him. I would never leave one relationship for another but this recent encounter has made me think I am out of control. I don't know what to do. My counselor has told me if either one of us tells him about any unfaithfulness he will tell the other person.
Now what?

OK..

Well let's break this down for purposes of clarity..

issue 1..your H is a serial adulterer

issue 2..you are in counseling together

issue 3..the marriage is iffy and it has ever been thus.

issue 4..you have also committed adultery previously, with the same man you are committing adultery actively.

That about sums it up for the marriage issues, let's look at the affair, because..they really are separate.

Affair issue 1..you have ended an affair with this man once already..over a decade ago, you tried to remain friends at that time, and had another affair. So it looks pretty clear from both what we know intellectually to be true about the nature of affairs, and from your own history that NC is the ONLY way to go..anything else is really just hiatus, right?

Affair issue 2..you don't want this affair to be over, really over because you like it.


So, you have a decision to make. You must disregard completely your emotions in order to do it. Will your affair continue, or will you end it. If you end it, you KNOW that NC forever is a must.

In regard to your marriage..whether you remain in the marriage or leave it is entirely up to you. You will accomplish nothing by deflecting your marital issues into an affair. Stay and work on the marriage, whether to fix or to finish..or divorce.

It seems that what the real problem here, is this. You don't want to make a decision. Until you overcome this you will be treading water, nothing more.

Noodle

Very well said Noodle.

Noodle,
Thank you for your clear insight. I have to say ouch to the fact that my recent contact is an affair. You, of course are correct, but I have been telling myself since I didn't have sex that it wasn't really an affair.

You are also correct that I can't make a decision re: my marriage. Some days it feels like if I just do as I have been and go day to day with no expectaions of my own and meeting my husbands needs I can stay in this marriage for the sake of the children.

The fact is I am emotionally numb and disconnected. I can't believe I allowed myself to turn outside my marriage for comfort. I ended it 6 days ago and have not had contact since. Each day is a little eaiser. I feel like such a fool that I am so sad about it.

I know I need to focus on my marriage. I need to deal with the abuse issues in our marriage or get out.

We were given an assignment by our counselor 2 weeks ago. I completed mine right away but my H has yet to start. I am not nagging him to do his work but I did ask once if he had started and he told me he was thinking about it. We have IC this week and were to have completed our assignments and discussed it. The assignment is to discuss the current condition of our marriage.

I do appreciate the time you gave to respond to my post.

Yes,

I think it very helpfull to separate the two and deal with them individually.

You know..given your history I could not tell you with any certainly that divorcing is NOT the best option.

I just think that a decision needs to be made..and I really think that your recent affair [what would/will his wife think when you tell her? Bet she would/will think it was an affair] is nothing more than an attempt to NOT make any decisions and use the affair as a release valve.

True resolution will bring you a future that is bright and full of promise..this needs to end.

Best of luck,

Noodle

[i before e except after c <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ]

<small>[ November 29, 2004, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

ditto noodle

But one other VERY important piece needs to be discussed that is also separate from your marriage: your OM's wife.

Either end this affair with OM immediately or call his wife and tell her what you're doing and why you're doing it.

Calling her doesn't sound very fun, does it? This is a good clue that what you're doing isn't right.

I commend you for being here and exposing yourself by asking for advice. This bodes well for you personally. You will get a lot of support once you make the right move to end your affair. Then the issues with your marriage can be more rationally discussed.

<small>[ November 29, 2004, 12:15 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Noodle and Worthatry,
It is over! I can't imagine telling om wife. I would never want to inflict on her the pain I have lived with for years. Clearly I should have thought about that before. If he chooses to tell her that is up to him but I will not be discussing that with him. I hesitate to confess to my husband as he is very aggressive about it from 16 yrs ago.

I still have to have limited work contact with om but it will be extreemly limited. I have a good friend at work that I confided in and when I have to have phone contact she agreed to sit with me as a support person so the conversation stays work related only. If there if face to face contact it will only be in a large group setting.

My H just told me last night he is almost finished with his assignment for counseling. I am glad he took the time to work on it but I am still feeling detached. How is it possible to be married to 20 years and not feel love? I am seriously considering a divorce, which seems unfair since H seems to now want to work on the marriage.

My problem is that I don't believe much of what he says. Our history has been lies and adultry on both our parts. I prayed this weekend for forgivness and strength to do the right thing.

Thank you for your support and advice. Do you really think I am the one that should tell his wife? Doesn't seem to be my place.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Living-a-lie:
Do you really think I am the one that should tell his wife? Doesn't seem to be my place. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Curious (not your place) ... if you do not tell her ... who will? Her H? Highly doubtful.

Pep

Yes,

I really think you should tell his wife.

There are so many reasons that this is so. Some of them for her, some for you..but it needs to be done.

Noodle

Congrats on ending it. I wish you the strength to keep it permanently ended.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Living-a-lie:
<strong>I prayed this weekend for forgivness and strength to do the right thing.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You made this statement regarding what to do about your marriage. Just so happens it can be applied to whether to inform OM's wife about your affair.

WAT

Also ... once you expose the affair to OM's wife ... you put a stake through the heart of the affair ... and it is DEAD after that !! A very good way to insure you do not slip back into the affair is to piss off the affair partner <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep

Yikes!!!!!!!!
Ok, here are my excuses.
1) om current wife was the ow when he was married the first time. Yes, I know I was too, but he was divorcing when we were briefly involved. He left his 1st wife, got involved with current wife, dumped her then back to wife #1. Left wife #1 again for good, then me, then back to current wife. Part of me feels like I don't owe her anything.
2) Current wife confronted me about my relationship with om years ago, stating he was hers and to back off at which point I told her I wasn't the ow she was as he was still married to wife #1. She threatened to call my H at which point I gave her his #. She never called.
3) I haven't told my husband about the recent contact except that I have spoken with om recently.
Tell them both or just get this whole mess over with and file now?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
1) om current wife was the ow when he was married the first time. Yes, I know I was too, but he was divorcing when we were briefly involved. He left his 1st wife, got involved with current wife, dumped her then back to wife #1. Left wife #1 again for good, then me, then back to current wife. Part of me feels like I don't owe her anything.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">~LOL~ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You sure can pick 'em !!!

How much honesty and forthrightness do you owe yourself?

Pep

I think #3 is the biggest factor here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Yes, really, for your own good..just come clean..as pep put it..this really is a stake in the relationship..making waves at home will not give OM warm fuzzies for you..the basis of the A is cut off.

Your H can do as he likes with the info..but your entire M is such a minefield of As on both parts that finger pointing would be mighty hypocritical..if they two of you are working through these issues together..great..if it isn't going to work out..I really don't think this disclosure will contribute greatly.

Just break free of the entire mess of lies and poor association choices and decide what you want.

Best of luck, Noodle

I - and likely the others here - will not advise you to divorce your H on such little information. Don't be offended by this, but we hear all sorts of bad juju coming from the posts of affairees justifying why they should divorce their spouses. It sounds too much like what WE heard coming from the mouths of our WSs - that we know wasn't true.

You may be dead on right about your marriage, but forgive us if we don't jump on board whole hog right off the bat - especially when young children are involved.

The story book solution - you and H come clean to each other, get into counseling, and begin the slow but sure tough road to a REAL marriage - for the benefit of all concerned. This can be a LOT closer to reality than fairy tale than you think.

Will your H come to this forum? He's in IC, right? What has come of that?

I suggest that before you decide to end this marriage, give it a fair shot. To do this you need to come completely clean with your H and OM's W. You cannot begin a "new" marriage without wiping the slate clean. Cleanse yourself.

Encourage your H to visit here - he will find support just as you have. We will not soft peddle his issues, just as we have not soft peddled yours. We're equal opportunity "tough love." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

We cannot guarantee the story book ending - but we can guarantee a story book try. The ending is up to you.

Read my sig line and see what I lost in my family. You have a chance to prevent this. I really encourage you to adopt my namesake and decide the preservation of your family is

worthatry

Thank you all for the continued reality checks. Some of it I don't like but I am listening. My H is in IC but refuses to discuss any issues other than to tell me I need to parent etc. the way he is and back him up.

He did say he is willing to follow through on our assignment from our counselor tonight. We have each written down how we view our relationship and are to discuss it. So tonight will be the night I "come clean" I think. I am scared as he regularly tells me I am the bad one because I let him believe all these years that he was the only unfaithful one. I couldn't believe it either.

Pep: You are correct. I sure can pick em!