Haven't been around much lately. For people who know me I'll post a little catch up section.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> First to Let you know how I've been...

I have been out of the house for about 6 weeks now. Truthfully, I feel much better even though I miss seeing the kids everyday. I do keep in touch via phone and computer as well see them once a week and every other weekend.

The STBX has been hell, trying to control everything. She keeps changing my plans to see the kids, keeps putting conditions on them.

She was supposed to find a job working 30-35 hours a week but she hasn't. She even cashed a few of checks made out to me that were mailed to her(our) house.

I am making the condo into a home. Fresh paint, hung some new doors, and some new appliances. The kids have been a great help too. I want them to know this is just as much thiers as it is mine. My family has gone the extra mile as well as my friends. I've even made some new friends that are going to help put up some Christmas decorations this weekend.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Now for the Real Issue ...

About three weeks ago the STBX would call and ask questions like "what did we ever fight about?" etc. etc. etc. Then she would spit nails at me the next hour and tell me she is calling her attny. A few days later ... another late night call.

For the most part I have avoided talking to her except when it deals with the kids. I feel better. Whenever I talk to her she makes me feel bad. Like touching a hot stove.

Anyway, yesterday, after some particularly nasty behaivor from her on the phone and in some emails .. she then sends an email about whether "I think there is any chance for us to put everything aside and work our marriage."
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

All she does is ask me if I think there is hope. She never says anything about herself. I asked her last night if she was still seeing OM, she didn't deny it. She claims she hasn't done anything... WTF! I sent her a belated Plan B letter last night. She laughed at it and said "Oh, now I get a plan B letter"
She sends me another email this morning saying that she is convinced it won't work because she won't let me tell her who she can and can't talk to. WTF?

There has been so much BullCrap going on the past six weeks but I feel better not being in the house. I'm having fun, and I have peace. I never would have guessed leaving would feel so good.

I'm starting to ramble now. I love my kids ....

I guess the question is this... Is she full of crap or what?

<small>[ November 29, 2004, 01:47 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

I wasn't going to post this because I know my STBX lurks here now and then.

Mr and Mrs Joad:

First, Tom: I thought she filed for DV a while back. Your sigline still stays she'll be "free" by 2005. Is this true? If so, what do you need plan B for?

Is there a chance 2 work on your marriage? Forget the Mrs, this is ol' 2long asking you. Is there? The answer should be from you, about you. Let Mrs Joad figure out what she wants/believes.

Mrs Joad: What do *you* want, for you?

-ol' 2long

Tom Joad,

Now that you are out of the house I see NO useful purpose in communicating with this manipulative, self centered woman. The reason she is contacting you with her little recon patrols is to sniff out if you are still there for her.

HER PURPOSE FOR CONTACT IS THE SAME AS WHEN SHE HAS SEX WITH THE OM, SELF GRATIFICATION. Pure and simple.

Remember she can only jerk you around IF you let her.

PS Mrs Joad if you are reading this....WHY DO YOU HATE YOURSELF SO MUCH!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Tom Joad:
<strong>
.....I guess the question is this... Is she full of crap or what? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Tom.

You asked, so I will tell you what I think :-)

I think that your marriage had problems like all marriages do. I think that your wife's solutions to the problems was a very lame attempt to get 'even' with you over perceived wrongs in the marriage. It is obvious that she has issues with anger.

Until she realizes that she will never control you, or 'pay you back' by hurting herself, she will never take the next step toward reconciliation. I don't think that she 'loves' the other man. I think he is a convenience for her.

I don't know exactly what your issues are, but it is obvious that you avoid conflict. She goads, you get offended, even incredulous, yet you repeatedly failed to set boundaries.

If there is ever to be a chance for the two of you to recover, then BOTH of you are going to have to lay down weapons, and approach your relationship in an upfront and forthright manner utilizing professional help. BOTH of you have some serious hurts and scars.

Your wife needs to do the right thing, openly and completely NOW. If she does, then you must be assertive and honest to a fault with her in addressing your issues.

As politically incorrect as this may sound here, there is more in your marriage bed that just an egregious affair.

Given your current state of affairs, she will have to make the next move, and it will have to be a big one.

Hope I didn't offend. That is not my intention. You asked, I delivered :-)

I wish you and your wife all the best.
Gimble

Hey Tom,

I don't know your wife but I am thinking she's full of crap. If she were truly interested in reconciliation her actions would speak loud and clear.

My guess is that things aren't going so well with her other man so she is realizing what a mistake she made. Those OP's always look so good when you are knee deep in fog. When reality hits the fan then you realize that they tripped and fell on the ugly stump. (My hubby's favorite line.)

I would just go on living your life. I can sense your relief through your e-mail. Be as plesant as you can for your children's sake but I say until, and only until she starts really proving herself, move on with your life and make Tom Joad the best Tom Joad out there.

I would think that with you out of the house and her cashing a couple of check that there could be some legal consequences for that action on her part.

Do you have an agreement in writing regarding both of your financial responsibilities while D is pending? Certainly you should be able to deduct the amounts of both of those checks from what you owe her.

I would think you could ask her what she is willing to do to facilitate a possible reconciliation.

But, I guess she pretty much addressed that she isn't willing to do much since she says you wouldn't let her talk to whomever she wants..:you've got a real case there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I was just thinking of your W today and wondering if and when she'll come out of the fog enough to see how she'd screwed her life up.

Thanks for the insight.

I thought like most of you that she was cake eating. I didn't want to give her a serving.

Gimble, thanks for your perspective. In many ways it is right and in some it is a little off. But for never really meeting you really dug into the meat of the issues. And yes, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Given your current state of affairs, she will have to make the next move, and it will have to be a big one.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">the next move is hers ... I worked on it for 7 months. Saying she's lonely or misses the marriage doesn't tell me a whole lot.

Chackler, thanks for dropping in. I wanted a perspective of a FWW on the issue. She won't commit to NC.

Trix. For the past 7 months she has said she contributed to the decay of our marriage (unbeknownst to me it was decaying) Whenever I asked her how she contributed she would never answer. I don't think she can offer anything in the way of facillitating a possible reconcilliation, because she doesn't think she has anything to do ... it is all me.

Anyway, thanks again

Hey Tom!
Well, I don't know what to tell ya. I think maybe she is still with the OM and just wants to have you wanting her too. They get a thrill out of that for some reason.
You know I wish you the best!
Trish

Tom:

Same 2uestion for you: If you're getting a DV, why the plan B letter?

You're going 2 have 2 come 2 some equitable coparenting arrangement, so you might as well get started now.

I agree with Cymanca in the sense that if you're not interested in reconciling, there is no reason you should feel obligated 2 have R discussions with your STBXW.

...and there's really no reason 2 speculate about her motives, either. They're not your concern.

-ol' 2long