These emails were sent to me today after the past few days I have ask ws to give me a week without seeing him he comes by everyday to spend time with our 2yr son and acts as if and tells me the only reason he comes over is for our son. So everyday im left with such a complete emptiness that it has started to take its toll on me and I just wanted to have a week without him anyway last nite he wanted to come by for somemore clothes and stuff and I told him to wait til monday and he said then I just come by while your at the gym tomorrow and I said no.
So I made him made I have been at home since baby was born and thats about 3 yrs husband is still paying bills and lawyer advises me not to get a job if we divorce it would not go as well for me financially.
1s email from him

I need you to give me an itemized list of the bills, which needs to include date and to whom it will be paid to.
If you want me not to come by while you are there or when you aren't then bills are going to be paid by me. ALSO, you are going to need to find a job soon. there is going to be some rearrangement like I said last night on the phone. If you have any questions then write them down and give them to or reply to this e-mail
my response
All I ask for was a week,
you can start coming by monday as normal
I dont mind paying the bills
and Im not going to get a job right now until we work on our marriage.
I will get a job if we are going to work on our marriage
but Im needed at home with our baby to fill the void in his life right now.

love
his 2nd email
You may have asked for a week but due to the fact that you weren't going to be at the house while you was going to work
out and you didn't want me to come to the house to get a few things, is fishy and makes me suspect that you are trying to do something which you feel i wouldn't like because i pay the bills or whatever.
So these things need to be done.
You need to find a job to help pay for the bills.
baby needs to be sitted by someone and I'll pay whomever it is.
An itemized list of the bills like I asked
my response
husband
I have not done anything fishy, come over today if you want because I dont
have anything to hide. The fact
that you come here everyday and act like Im nothing and
your so happy is effecting me badly, I needed some time
to regroup to workout some of my feelings without
seeing you. Like I said in my earlier email Im not going
to get a job right now. We need to work this out and I
know things are hard on you right now but you chose to
leave. I chose to stay and wait for you and will be glad
to get a job when you choose to come home and work on
our marriage. Why are you treating me like Im not trustworthy, Im not the
one having an Affair, so dont
treat me like I not trustworthy, I will say that if there is
anyone in this world you can trust its me cause Im here
waiting for my husband to find his way back home and
God knows thats all im doing so Im not going to defend
myself to you because you know me too.
his last email
Why is it now that you are saying "well come over then" when I say something is up, why does this have to get to the point of extreme? I could've come by while you weren't home but you chose for me not to. what would you think? understand where I am coming from? You aren't making any sense and this is what is driving me crazy about you. You don't pay attention to what you are saying or you don't understand it. I am not going to keep paying for all these bills by myself anymore, so you need to make some decisions about what you are going to do for yourself. you are also going to have to realize that there is no way that sitting on your [censored] is going to make me change my mind when you aren't making any changes for the better of the family as you call it. I am not going to stand here in one spot NO longer, i need to accomplish something in my life and you have decided not to do the same with yours. For you to make decisions about what i can or can't do in the place that holds my things and the things that i pay for . you know whatever, it is not worth it anymore for me to have a conversation with you when it seems to go nowhere
my last response
husband
All I am saying is why should I enable you to live a better
life with the other woman by getting a job. I want a better
life and I realise that things cant keep going on like this
right now it is the holidays and Im not going to be able to
find a job, a good job right now. Its Christmas time and
and Its a time of hope and joy for most, but for me its
really hard. I do have hopes and dreams and want to do
something in my life that is good and if thats what it takes
to help our relationship I will but I need the hope that Its
for our family and we are going to try to make strides to
fix our problems and not so you can go and live a better
life without me in it. You are the love of my life and I know you still love
me, I want you to be proud of me again, and feel that I not trying to just
sit on my butt,
I do not want for you to think badly of me, I 'm sorry
for making you feel strange yesterday but, I just wanted
1 week, and no you dont have to go to extremes with me
I just feel like I cant have anytime to myself and I got irritated and just
said that because of my irritation. I just
felt I needed to have what I ask for and it seems I dont
have any rights to even ask. Please dont treat me like this
I am here for you and would like to talk to you when
you can point me in the direction that will help bring our
family back together.
Love you always
wife

<small>[ December 02, 2004, 08:56 PM: Message edited by: confused04 ]</small>

With my WH coming over everyday I have been trying to do plan A being nice and sweet and trying to feed him or just keeping my mouth shut
to allow him to have time with the baby. Its just the constant contact with him is tearing me down daily I dread him coming over, and I know not to expect anything from him it just reopens the wound seeing him every single day.
Normally we dont talk much but sometimes he ask me if I want too and he just tells me that he doenst feel the same and what I have done to make him feel that way and I end up crying and begging.
I know Im bad.
Ive been praying and trying to let it be. but I just hurt deep down in my soul right now.

Is it just fog talk or should I be concerned
He is just mad at me right now I know and was
more money to play with, or do ya think its that
hes being pushed by someone.

Have you considered Plan B? It will restore some peace.

Also, given the sitch, maybe you don't want to be explaining financial stuff to him via email if you are talking to a lawyer. The lawyer may not want to "undo" things you have said. Another reason for Plan B.

Well he gets mad everytime I even try for a few days of no contact with him, he says I pay the bills and He wants to see our son (he always says his son) and thats when he starts to push and threaten me about the finances, I told him I cant
find a good job right now so maybe I have a little more time on that issue.

Hi confused --

Sorry you're here. This is the first post of yours I've read, so I don't know all your story, but I don't think you should do a Plan B until you do a very good Plan A. And if you're moping around/crying, asking him how he feels, and begging him to come home every time he comes over to see your son, that's not a Plan A. I know it's tearing you up to hear him say he doesn't have the same feelings for you, but that's WHAT EVERY WH says, so just assume that's what he's going to say, if you ask. SO DON'T ASK! Your goal is to make him remember how great a person you are, how nice your home can be, and how pleasant and how considerate you are.

That doesn't, by the way, mean you should run out and get a job to make him happy. You're right that the reason he wants you to is so he has more money to play. When he presses that issue, be pleasant, but non-commital. There are several folks here who could do a good job of giving you some reverse babble talk to use when he starts babbling about you getting a job.

Please re-read Plan A and the reasons for it. If you want him back, you need to entice him back, not beg, not whine, not get angry. Yes, it's hard, but you can do it if you keep your mind on your goal. You can't go into a Plan B until you do a Plan A. Hang in there. If you are feeling too depressed to handle it, call your doctor. You need to marshall all your strength for this.
Take care,
Shellybird
Me -- 45
WH -- 5
2 sons -- 15, 10

Thanks for your post Shellybird
Its just that he is pushing the blame on me
so heavy and that hes so happy now it gets
to me.
I normally dont talk to him about anything and
since he doenst sleep here and is only here an hour or so, I usually just smile as much as possible and talk to him about his day.
Its normally pretty calm situation unless I ask
him to stay away or keep our son away from the
OW.

Yes, Confused, he is pushing the blame on you. That's the only way he can justify what he's doing. Don't allow it to affect you. When he does that, babble back to him. "I'm sorry so sweetheart, I understand you've been unhappy...." and leave it at that. Don't let him goad you into a fight, and he will try. Think of a few non-confrontational things to say back when he blames you for something. "Oh, so that's how you feel. That helps me to understand..." etc.

Does he eat when he comes over? Maybe offer him something you know he loves, even if it's just dessert or his favorite beverage (not alcohol).

Play some music. Tell him about cute things your son has done. Start taking notes on that. And tell him with a big smile. Not with a look that will put him on the defensive.

Try this, and see how he reacts. Make the atmosphere pleasant. If you are getting no response whatsoever, and feel just awful and like you're going to LB, perhaps ask him if he would mind watching your son while you get a little fresh air -- then go for a 15-minute walk, and then come in calmly and thank him.

Does any of this help? Hang in there, girl!
Shellybird

shelly
thanks for the good ideas, I will try them.