I am new to MB and have done a lot of research on this site and am impressed with the amount of information and it's usefulness. Thank you.

My wife (21) and I (23) have been married for almost two years. We have a 2 year old daughter together. My wife and I have been together for almost 6 years. For the past year or so, we have ignored most of each other's emotional needs as our 'Takers' take the place of our 'Givers'. Recently, our relationship seems like it has hit rock bottom. She tells me that she still loves me, but not as nearly as much as she used to. Since we didn't really haven't been with anyone else in our lives, she isn't sure if I am the one she was meant to be with. We are still living together which settles some of my pain. She has recently confessed to a one-week long affair with a man that she goes to college with. She says that she has cut off the relationship with the OM, but since she spends such long hours at school and still has his number on her cell phone, I can only be skeptical. Aware of the turmoil our relationship is going through, I have discovered the relentless desire to do whatever it takes to recover the relationship. I still love my wife very much and I am serious when I tell her that I will do ANYTHING to keep her by my side. Since all of this occurred, I have attempted to perform CPR on our marriage. She says that she wants to fix the marriage and has agreed to attend counseling and spend more quality time with me. However, she also says that the problem isn't so much with me, but finding out and deciding what she wants. I am trying to be less controlling (letting her spend more of her time doing what she wants, etc.), giving her space, and I have been more open with positive things to say. I have also put in my two-week notice at my job that takes up a lot of my time and am moving to a different, more marriage-friendly workplace (we both agreed that would help.

This website has been most helpful and has the best advice and info one could find. If anyone has any advice or even thinks that this marriage can be saved, anything will help.Thank you again.

Hey DKelly!

Welcome to MB!!!

Yes you can rebuild your M... It's not easy, but it looks like you are making some good decisions early on... I can't stress a good pro-marriage MC enough. If your MC even hints that divorce is an option... pick up your things and leave imediately.

I was 24 and my W was 18 when we were going through all of her A's... so I know how hard it is for you as a young couple... We never went to any kind of MC... we tried to 'fix' things ourselves...

You have chosen a very hard road, but in the end, it is well worth the effort. Your W and your daughter will thank you...

Keep reading here and post here when you feel the need to vent...

Welcome to MB. I am very sad that you have found your way here, but I can tell you that this can be a lifesaver. BobPure said yesterday that without MB he would be divorced or dead now, and I think I can echo that sentiment.

Your wife sounds like she is heavily in a fog right now and you would be well advised to listen to everything she has to say and discard 90% of it as pure rubbish. Be prepared to hear some of the most hurtful things you have ever been told in your life by the person you love most...just also be able to shake it off.

I am convinced that there is a light at the end of the tunnel....you just have to buckle down like the rest of us and do the hard, heartbreaking work to get there. Just start reading the forum, you will find that you are far from alone in your situation and that others have succeeded before you.

God Bless and welcome to the group.

Thank you for the warm welcome.

It is true that one doesn't know the pain of an affair until one has been a victim of one. It's also true that you don't know what you have until it's gone. My wife was (and still is) so close to being gone that it scares the **** out of me.

It hurts so much to hear the one you love most say that she doesn't love you as much as she should. It is almost unbearable.

Wife and I are starting counseling next week. I am so happy that she has chosen to try and I hope she really has the right attitude and is not trying to snow me over.

However, either way the situation goes, I will be thankful for the information, insight, and motivation that you provide. Thank you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dkelly:
<strong> Wife and I are starting counseling next week. I am so happy that she has chosen to try and I hope she really has the right attitude and is not trying to snow me over. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dkelly - Regardless of what your W says... take heart that she is willing to go to MC with you. MC isn't about "fixing" your W or "fixing" you... it's about you both learning how to communicate better with each other and to learn, together, what happened and how you can prevent it from happening again.

Please don't set any pre-concieved notions about what you need to 'see' in your W right now.... or how you 'think' she's doing with the MC... Your W is confused and foggy... and HH said, 90% of what she says right now is most likely garbage.

Listen to your W and let her know that you heard what she said... but watch her ACTIONS... they will tell you more about what she's up to than her words.

Again, it's great that you and your W are going to MC... I wish you both the best.

Semper Fi,
RIF

Please don't set any pre-concieved notions about what you need to 'see' in your W right now.... or how you 'think' she's doing with the MC... Your W is confused and foggy... and HH said, 90% of what she says right now is most likely garbage.

I echo these words for affect. Listen, reread this paragraph like 100 times, let it sink in good and deep.

If you can truly let these words mean something to you then you will be saving yourself some amount of pain.

I struggle with the 'preconcieved notions' everyday. I know that if I could let go then my sanity would be more in tact.

BTW: Also realize that you are in the FOG as well. Different from your W's FOG, but there none the less.

dkelly,

If your W is still in contact with the OM, all the best MC [marital counseling] in the world will be a waste of time. Trust me on this one for it has been proven time and time again. You'd be wise in telling your W to be sure she's leveling with you about NC [no contact] with the OM otherwise her heart will not be in fixing the marriage and the MC will be used as a way to justify ending the marriage instead of saving it.

TMCM

In case it didn't hit you like a ballpeen hammer, TMCM's advice about NO CONTACT is key to saving your marriage. Our MC got his check week after week while my H was in daily contact with his EA. We would have been better off simply putting that money down the toilet.

The counselor didn't insist on no contact. He tried to get me to leave the whole subject of the OW alone. You can't bring a couple closer emotionally if one of them is pouring all their romantic energy into an outside love interest.

Honestly, don't waste your money, time, energy unless you have complete openness about your wife's cell phone, email, IM's, snail mail, and etc.

Hey, welcome to MB.

You'll find this site ( Dr Harley's basic concepts) very useful, and the people very helpful; but you are the one who is going to be doing the work.

I know you are feeling pain right now. Almost every single one of us here is... As this experience unfolds, you will be surprised how much you can actually take.

You will find levels of fortitude and resiliency that you never imagined you had. You can read stories here that will make your toes curl, and yet these are real people who have lived through this at the other end. Sometimes with a saved marriage, sometimes not... but either way, and often enough to be encouraging, they come out better in themselves.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dkelly:
<strong>She has recently confessed to a one-week long affair with a man that she goes to college with. She says that she has cut off the relationship with the OM, but since she spends such long hours at school and still has his number on her cell phone, I can only be skeptical..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And you should be skeptical. Very often the first confession is an extremely watered down version of the truth. Don't jump to conclusions, but don't take anything for granted.

How was this confession made? Under what circumstances? How long ago? What have her behaviours been like since?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">dkelly:<strong>
...she also says that the problem isn't so much with me, but finding out and deciding what she wants..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Er... yer 'sposed to do that before you exchange vows. (Sorry, just had to add that)

It seems that what she's saying here is that she isn't getting what she wants. Or is it that she thought she wanted something but found out she was wrong? What I heard, when those exact words were spoken to me, was that all she really knew was that she didn't want me and that she felt she had to explore her options.

Hurts quite a bit that one, doesn't it?

Pain is a very useful sensation. It saves us from burning our hand on a hot stove. It keeps us from bending the wrong way. It lets us know we should take our fingers out of the lawnmower...

Likewise in a relationship, pain wakes us up and galvanizes us into action.

Unlike the body, a relationship doesn't have a complex nerve system and a central processing unit to sort out all those sensations and automatically choose the best course of action.

So take the pain. Feel it and acknowledge it. But for it to serve its purpose, you have to see through it and do the processing and decision making manually.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">dkelly:<strong>I am trying to be less controlling (letting her spend more of her time doing what she wants, etc.), giving her space, and I have been more open with positive things to say..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you be more specific? What do you mean by controlling? Is that one of her words? How do you define controlling? How does she define controlling?

And giving her space... what exactly does that mean? Are you talking about not 'hovering' over her or obsessing or are you talking about a sudden need of hers for privacy and 'my own space'?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">dkelly:<strong>I have also put in my two-week notice at my job that takes up a lot of my time and am moving to a different, more marriage-friendly workplace (we both agreed that would help..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good first step. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">dkelly:<strong>If anyone has any advice or even thinks that this marriage can be saved, anything will help.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If there's one thing you can get lots of here, it's advice. Be selective. Remember, as much as WS follow a set of predictable scripts and patterns, only you know you and only you know your wife. Weigh what you read and hear against the basic concepts on the MB site and what you know in your heart.

The marriage being saveable? Well, not knowing all that much of your history and your day to day lives, I don't feel all that qualified to answer that question. However I can tell you that virtually ALL marriages hit some extremely rough spots. And it's when we overcome these challenges that we grow in a marriage. It is during these times that the seeds for life-long love are planted. You must nurture a deep faith, caring and understanding for your spouse, even as they (sometimes) rip your heart out and casually toss it aside.

Do you realize that though you didn't 'make' her be unfaithful, you helped create the environment that led to her making that decision?

If you do understand this, then this would be where you start. Cause right now, it's likely you have very little influence over her. She's making choices right now and you can't make her make the right ones. However, if you can change enough in yourself, and repent the behaviour that helped steer you marriage down this course, then you will have influence over her decision by offering her an attractive choice. You. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">dkelly:<strong>Aware of the turmoil our relationship is going through, I have discovered the relentless desire to do whatever it takes to recover the relationship. I still love my wife very much and I am serious when I tell her that I will do ANYTHING to keep her by my side..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope you are serious. Your resolve may well be seriously tested.

The good news is that if it is, and you pass, the potential rewards are enormous.

deut

I found out that she is still talking to the OM and could very well be meeting with him tonight along with other friends from college. Last night we went to a comedy club with her parents and had a couple of drinks. We had such a great time together. It felt like we were really connecting. When we get home, she goes out for a cigarette and goes to sleep. I check her call lists finding that the OM's number had been called when she was out.

I am going to request that she does not have any more contact with him tonight. I know it will be hard for her and I will be as sensitive and compassionate as I can when I ask her to totally call it off. I have shared with my wife my feelings that infidelity isn't the initial cause of marital stress, it is marital stress that opens the door to infidelity.

The admission took place one week before this past Thanksgiving. Before she admitted to the affair, I had my suspicions due to the long hours at school and wanting to go out so much without me and a general bad feeling. The night before she told me about her affair, I had asked her if she had been cheating on me. She of course denied it and told me that she would never do such a thing. I felt pretty bad for being so suspicious and talked myself into believing her. The next morning as she was waking up, I told her how bad I felt and apologized for asking her. While I was apologizing, she broke out in tears. I immediately knew what was happening and held her, telling her it was going to be okay. She told me that she had an affair with a guy at college the week before. The affair lasted a week and they had sex multiple times. It took a couple minutes for it all to hit me and before I knew it, we were both crying in each other's arms. We went out to breakfast that morning and talked for hours. It was going so well. Days passed and it seemed like her mind was elsewhere when she was around me. I checked her call lists on her cell phone to find the OM's phone number on both the "Received calls" and "Dialed Numbers" lists. I confronted her with my newfound knowledge, and she said that she only talks to him once in a while and they are no longer intimate. As much as I would like to believe that, I can't. I was so tempted to call this man, but resisted knowing that it would only make matters worse.

Since then, my life has revolved around our relationship (like it should always have been). Even though she says that the problem isn't really with me, but with her, I have been more in tune with her emotional needs and am doing my best to fulfill those needs as much as I can, yet trying not to smother her (a difficult balance to figure out). I have also been trying to fill more of our free time with planning things that we both want to do. Adding more conversation about her schoolwork, our past, our dreams, the good times that we had (and trying to hint all of the great times that we could/will have together in the future). I'm really trying to be less of a stick-in-the-mud and have more fun.

She hasn't really put much into our relationship since, most likely because she is still communicating with the OM. She does spend more time at home, but I know that she is thinking fbout the OM. I can see it in her eyes. I want her concentration to be on me and our relationship.

I think I may have been to easy on her when she confessed and she didn't get how much it really hurts. I also made the mistake in telling her that it wouldn't bother me if she kept him as a friend. What a dumb thing to say. I guess I didn't want her to feel restricted. I feel bad telling her how much it hurts and how much pain I am in so to not make her feel too guilty. I just don't want to make things worse.

Thank you for all of your helpful replies.

This place is addictive! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It's very comforting that I have finally found a refuge where people understand what I am going through. I have been reading through many of the posts throughout this forum and find myself even more hopeful.

Thanks again to all.