1) Never take love for granted. I loved being married BUT didn't always spend enough time showering my WH with the love I felt for him. I always put thought into my gifts to WH but I think my day-to-day little acts of love were put on the wayside when my business boomed and Ironman training took over my life. I know WH supported me in my dreams/efforts but I now understand and see that our time apart lead him to stray from our marriage.

2) Take time to smell the flowers. I live a very fast paced lifestyle and have learned to lighten up. I have balanced out my lifestyle in leau of this wake up from WH. I know I got too caught up in my success with athletics and didn't allow myself to indulge enough. These past 6 months, I have realized what I was missing out on; I really am enjoying indulging on the occasional nutritional sin, drink, late-nate dancing, sleeping in, and relaxation. I am happier because of it...but am sad I am not smelling the flowers with my WH.

3) There is no such thing as Pleasantville, meaning there is no relationship that is immune to hardship. Yes, I was living in a dream world...had a dream career, a dream husband, a dream home, athletic success, great friends, wonderful family...my life was oh so pleasant. Yes, there were days that were duller than others but all in all, I was the happiest woman alive...enough to blind me from the fact that I was NOT immune to heartache. It is funny because I had a friend call me and tell me how marriage was hard work...after that phone call, I thought she was crazy. Being married to my WH was the highlight of my life, it wasn't hard at all. I understand that comment now.

4) Communication is important but taking action upon first sense of unhappiness is KEY.

5) Every hardship leads to personal growth. While I hate that this is happening to me, I know in the end that my WH's affair has been a big wake up call and I am stronger because of it. It really has allowed me to evaluate not only his faults but also mine and do things to try to better my self, improve my life.

6) I cannot help the helpless. My WH screwed up...I forgive that but also know that I cannot make him return home, I cannot make him love me again, I cannot singlehandedly save our marriage. Trying to help the helpless lead me to emotional hell and back as well as personal injury...NOT WORTH IT!

7) The failing of this marriage is NOT my fault. I don't fully blame my WH but ultimately his inability to communicate to me what he was discontent about before having the affair is what emotionally and physically detached himself from our marriage. If he would have communicated better to me at this crossroad in our marriage, we could have discussed things I know would have made our bond stronger and helped to prevent the affair from happening and ultimately allowed our marriage to flourish like it once had.

I am sure there is more but I have to get back to reality...my work.

Thought I'd share. What have you guys learned?

-K

Me: 28 yo FW
Him: 31 yo WH
Married: 3.5 years, together 5
His Affair: Fall 03 and continues
D-Day: May 22, 2004; he immediately left
Plan A thru Oct, Plan B thru Nov, Plan D-divorce-is being mediated currently.

Sadly enough....I have learned that you can't trust anyone. I know I have faults but I was a great wife. I did all the specail things and made sure he always knew I loved him. I've also learned that you can't make someone love you. He's made his choice and he will have to live with that. I can only do what I know is best for me and my son.
I've also learned that you can be with someone for 20 years and still not really know them. Sad!!!!! I gave my WH my heart and apparently that wasn't good enough.
I don't know how I will ever trust again....I guess I can give my WH a big thanks for that!

Oh and another thought...We are all human, meaning mistakes are made. Being able to look beyond these mistakes is what allows me focus on the beauty in my WH rather than the hurt. In general, I do this with all people...I know that everyone is born with a heart, emotions and good can be done with it. I once saw my WH's heart and emotions light up which is what initially drew me to him and ultimately fall in love and marry him. I know that I have made mistakes in my lifetime...if we let these mistakes define who we are or who our WS's are, there would be little self growth and marital/relationship success would be doubtful.

-K

Tree...I hear you. Trust is something that has been raped from me by WH. Kind of weird...listening to Korn "Freak on a Leash" and the lyrics "raped from me" are being sung as I am writing about being raped of trust by WH. Anyways, I have always been a very trusting person but now realize that even those who are closest to are capable of betrayal. Scary...hope to regain some of the trust in people I once had.

I learned that I am stonger AND weaker than I thought before.

I learned to never trust appearances alone.

I learned to ALWAYS go with my gut feeling.

I learned how easy it is to accept a lie because you want it to be true or to reject the truth because you can't accept it.

"reject the truth because you can't accept it"

Need to work on this. WH betrayed me and has met with a mediator to get the divorce started...that's the truth and I need to accept it and move on. The problem is that my gut tells me that we may be ok someday...have received mixed signals from time to time.